Stupid quotes

I read this quote and it made me cry. It's been a crazy few weeks and things have just felt rough than I'm having a hard time bouncing back to usual.

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”

Some other ones I liked:

“You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered.
Yes, Piglet?
Nothing, said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."”

P.S.
Eventhough my URL is a play on the boy from Winnie The Pooh, I've never read any of the stories or seen the movie but I want to now

Not sure

Well, I'm back to DC now after being in St Louis last week for work. It was a nice trip overall. One guy I met was nice enough to hang out with me two days in a row and showed me around the area/neighborhoods. I'm falling in love with the city itself, if only it doesn't snow real hard there.

So initially what we were having trouble with what I came there for was working, but alas somehow yesterday, it just stopped doing what we want it do. And it's frustrating since the company that we got the program for doesn't support our version any longer, meh. Still looking how I can fix it.

Since I landed, it actually has been non-stop. Friday, ended up meeting with my mom til late afternoon after which I met with my an ex-blogger visiting from out of town. The following day, I ended up meeting with my boss for lunch and hang out in the afternoon which actually was fun, I heart her. I had to go though to meet up with a guy I've kept in contact with few weeks ago right before he went overseas for school. I ended up cancelling on a guy I was gonna meet in the evening since I was just tired.

Sunday, I ended up meeting with my friend for brunch and had to move a guy to mid-afternoon to meet up with. Then, in the evening, met up with E- which was real nice. Took him to my fave Indian place and we played bowling afterwards. I'm liking him more and more, it was nice seeing him again. We were actually holding hands when walking, and even kissed in between our turns bowling.

Monday, just took it slow and watched Kick Ass. I got to like the last 15 mins and the damn disc had to stop working baaaahh. Tuesday, ended up going to Ikea to look for a make-shift night stand. Then last night, spent the night at E's place. It was nice, and I so didn't wanna leave this morning but had to go around 5 for work.

With all these stuff happening, it's like I should be happy but I feel like crap right now and I'm not sure why.

a little different

My life

Well, like they say when you're real high, you'll come right back down and looks like that's what's happening right now. I've been happy so now that it's going back to even, it feels like there's something off. I didn't realize how this past month or two has been nonstop.

Moved mid-June, then fly out few days after and was gone for the rest of the month. Got home, tidy up the place some, then family visited for a week and a half. Then a bit after, my best friend came and along all of that, been going out and trying to date/meet guys. I'm gonna use a fellow blogger's way of keeping track and will use the alphabet.

Since last month, I've met A, B, C, D, and E. Liked B and hang out twice but he's gone MIA so not sure what to think of it. It kinda sucks but then I was notorious for doing the same few years back so meh, what you do to others, yada yada. I've met up with E a few times but he's been a bit cold so not sure really. He was nice enough to let me stay at his place for a few hours when my power was out for a few days because of the storm. It's hard though, there were days I was missing him but with only having met like 2 weeks ago, I'm like WTF haha

I started this post when I was in DC but right now I'm actually in St Louis for work til tomorrow. It's nice here, this one guy I met showed me around the neighborhoods and it makes me want to move. Cost of living is definitely cheaper than it is in DC so that's something to think about. Not sure about the winter though.

Aside from those, it's a hit or miss with work. I'm trying to stay positive since I'm on probation still and can't really move anywhere else. I get bogged down I wanna up and leave sometimes but it won't be the smartest move financial-wise. I'm finally rid of all my debt aside from my car so that definitely was a big load off of my shoulders. I can't let it happen again so really need to sit through and look some things over.

Also, few weeks ago, my dad actually contacted me which was nice, eventhough it was still surprising. Some of you might know we haven't spoken for 2 yrs when I came out to him few months before his birthday back in 2008. It's nice catching up, he just got into the IT field workwise so it was kinda funny just hearing him ramble on about computers, etc.

My mom finally quit working at Hilton after being there for 2 yrs. She really wasn't happy there and on our drive one day where other things transpired as well, I told her 'Ma, just quit if you're that unhappy.' She did and right now looking into different programs to eventually get into nursing which is what she's wanting to do.

That's how things are in a nutshell. Instead of saying I'm gonna start blogging again, I'll shut up and let things be and just do it instead of saying. I really miss having an outlet and will keep my mouth shut about telling people I know in real life about it since it changes the dynamics, and doesn't feel freeing like it used to.

Where the boys are

Wow, never really got what the song meant. All I knew was the 'where the boys are' but never paid attention to the rest of the lyrics. I make fun of my mom for crying over songs but yet, here I was today bawling over this song. She played it a lot when I was growing up and it just took me back...

Music is so powerful that I just can't imagine living without it. It's amazing how just one song can take you back to a certain point in your life like you were actually there. There's this one song I heard when I was in second grade and it just stuck with me. Life at home was kinda rough around that time and this song kinda kept me going. I'd listen to it and tell myself that one day, things are gonna get better. It takes a while sometimes before they do, and when you're quite not there, you question whether hoping will get you anywhere. I thought that hope was in vain but I realized that it's something that you wish for in your heart, and eventually make happen consciously or with you not even knowing it even.

Where the boys are, someone waits for me
A smilin' face, a warm embrace, two arms to hold me tenderly
Where the boys are, my true love will be
He's walkin' down some street in town and I know he's lookin' there for me

I think I might have found mine but didn't know it...

Second night

This weekend was Pride weekend in DC, and as much as I wanted to take part with all the festivities, I didn't. I'm all moved in to the new place and it feels a bit off still waking up in a different environment.

This is the first move where I didn't really prepare more than I could have. Day of moving and I was still packing things around the house. I just felt 'off' about it that the few days prior, I just sat around the house and just did everything else BUT pack. It wasn't intentional but moving year after year for the past 4 years got to me for the first time.

I am actually glad I opted to hire movers instead since folks who I asked weren't gonna help, and the ones who said they would didn't show. It was frustrating I sorta just stopped communicating with them all day since I didn't see the point. Ended up having my mom call out from work just so you can be there eventhough I tried not to let her do too much. The move ended up taking about 4 hrs, and it was exhausting enough I plopped down on the couch with my mom by my feet and we'd talk occasionally, or she'd make jokes which is her usual self.

Eventually, it came up how I live really close to downtown now so they have shops and stores that I can now walk to. My mom wanted to go so told she ought to without me tagging along. It's like half a mile away and had to convince her that she's not gonna get lost, or if she does, she can call. And somehow, when she left, I just started moving things around in the room and putting things together. She ended up coming back to the apartment and not too long after that, we left since I had to go back to Alexandria and grab some things and drop her off. In the three years she's been here, she hasn't really gone out to DC and just explore. On the drive back, we were gonna try to eat at Panera but alas, they were closed so while driving through the city, told her we can check out U St. So did that, and went to Bus Boys and Poets. She enjoyed it so was glad about that.

So dropped her off and had to drive a good 17 miles to get back to my new place. People have mentioned time and time that my mom would give her life for me or that she loves me so much. I really don't think of it too much since I dunno, I have this notion that it's a given that parents are supposed to love their kids. Somehow on the drive back, it just hit me that she's actually one of the few people who will always be constant in my life that I can depend on. She tries to always be there for me, and at times, when I try not to be stubborn, and let her, she comes through wayyy more than I give her credit for. People can profess that they would do this or that for you, but you can only go by their actions.

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

If I remember correctly, those lines were written about someone losing her father and at times, I wonder if it'll be like that for me. I'm thinking I'll be fine if I lose my mom, or just lose it that I wouldn't know how to go on. Just made me think...

Changes

Well, a year has passed and it's time to move again, granted it'll be like within a 20 mile radius, I think even less but still. My intent was to stay at this apartment I'm in for 2 years but somehow these past six months, things kinda changed that. I got tired of the surroundings, and the people upstairs are just real loud walkers, no matter what time of day it is.

Today was good overall. A conversation with a coworker enlightened me over a decision I brewing on for a whole week. It was work related but still, it was doing me in. I'm given more responsibility at work now, and granted I do well, that thing known as doubt rears its head and makes me question my abilities.

I ended up  not leaving  work til 5, so much for living early! I ended up talking to one of the field guys for a good hour about work and our pasts. Somehow it came up that he's going through a divorce right now, and I told him I was sorry to hear that. His answer was 'It happens' which is true but still sad. But then what do I know, I went through close to divorce as one can and it sucked for both of us, though it wasn't exactly mutual but at that time for me, it felt like the right thing to do.

Will write more tomorrow since I'm sleepy.

After all

I'm back to blogging after all. After stopping for a while, I felt the need of having somewhere to go and emptying my thoughts since sometimes I feel like people get tired of me talking about probably the same things over and over.

I'm just waiting on my friend right now. We've become pretty good friends for the past few weeks though we sorta had trouble not too long ago. I wasn't there for him the one time he needed me to be there. I've apologized and made amends since then, but one simple act that I thought would not matter actually did bigger than I imagined.

The job's going well though so glad about that. Time to time, I can't deal with users but oh well, that's part of doing customer service, what can one do really. These past weeks kinda stressed me out too coz I was actually been looking at houses to possibly buy. I considered it at first back in the winter but the realtor told me it was too soon if I wasn't looking to buy 'til the summer. So put it on hold and was actually considering just staying put where I live now. However, after receiving a letter from the leasing office that the rent's gonna go up and we'd have to pay utilities now, it made me change my mind. Adding to that, the neighbors above us are real heavy walkers be it midnight, or morning, weekdays or weekends, that's all I'd hear when I'm at home.

I did make an offer for one weeks ago but it didn't come through since there were some things with the house that the VA won't allow if you buy a house. This one had one bathroom that wasn't working which apparently is a no-go with the VA, even though it has two working ones.

I put in an offer for another one just this Friday which I actually liked more since it was close to the metro station and a few stores like Target, Macy's, movie theater among other things. I drove around the neighborhood and actually liked the area. I initially saw some houses but they were short sales so won't make the April 30th deadline for the home tax credit which I'm trying to get. My agent e-mailed me this morning as to where we are. The house was initially listed for 250k, but has gone down to 237k. I offered 220k but my agent said to be ready for a counter offer and to ask myself how much I'm willing to pay. I was game for the listing price they had initially but it'll be good to get it down even a bit. The townhouse can be seen here.

I sorta imagined myself living in it already and it'll be wonderful to get my C's back though I will have one, Caeden more than likely. Things with C- have taken a turn as to where I'm not sure. I think we're both still holding on though I can sense it changing soon. The idea of me moving to Chicago came up and I did consider it though if I do end up buying the house, that will not happen. I initially told him I could move this summer but after thinking it through, figured I'd want to wait until I hit my one-year at my current job. Due to my pattern, he doesn't believe it and don't want to be hopeful then, I'm gonna be saying that I'm not moving so where would that leave him. I asked him to give me til December but he said no. We haven't talked really since then. My friend tried to persuade me to fly out this past weekend but I didn't so that's where things stand. I don't know, with having just started a part time job and stuff, it makes more sense to move this winter, giving me enough time to save up and apply for jobs. Is that my unwillingness to sacrifice for him this time around? I don't really see it as unwillingness but just being smarter about the move. I got excited about it that one day and had all this elaborate schemes on how I could make it work since I've always managed after all. Thing is after wanting a government job for 3 yrs and finally getting it, I'm not sure I want to leave after putting in 5 months.

Miike Snow - Burial (Live, In the Woods)

Will be seeing them next month :D

Spoon or Fork

Found this a while ago but sharing to those who hasn't read it

INT. SILVERWARE DRAWER - NIGHT

A SPOON creeps toward an empty slot in a cutlery caddy.

A lamp flickers on.

The Spoon GASPS.

The FORK scowls at the Spoon, his tines shaking in anger. FORK

Where have you been?

SPOON

Um ... I was taking a midnight dip ... in the sink.

FORK

Alone?

SPOON

I suppose you're going to accuse me of sneaking off with one of the knives from the butcher block again. And that you imagined that you heard us clinking together in the dark.

The Fork hands the Spoon a manila file folder.

FORK

I hired the spatula to follow you. He took these pictures.

The Spoon slowly opens the folder. She finds photographs of herself frolicking with a dish on the dish rack.FORK

Is it true? Are you diddlin' the Dish?

SPOON

Forky ...

FORK

(turning away)

Oh god ...

SPOON

I didn't plan it. I was just lying in the spoon rest, and the next thing I knew, I found myself plunged into his hot, sticky --

FORK

You can tell me he dipped you. You can tell me he's stirred you, but please, please, tell me he didn't ...

SPOON

Spoon me?

The Forks looks directly at her, but now the Spoon turns away.

FORK

We were happy once. Remember the night when you first ran your fingers through my tines ... What happened?

SPOON

I could say it's not you. I could say it's me, but it'd be a lie.

FORK

It's my agoraphobia, isn't it?

SPOON

I can't spend the rest of my life shut away in this drawer, Forky. I want to see the world before I'm too tarnished to go anywhere.

FORK

I'll change. I'll ... I'll ...

The Spoon smiles sadly, her oval head drooping.

SPOON

I'd better go.

The Spoon pushes the drawer open and hops out.

The Fork crawls after her.

FORK

Spoonie! Spoonie, come back!

The Fork tries to follow her, but freezes at the edge of the drawer. He folds over as if touched by the invisible hands of Uri Geller, collapsing into a sobbing heap of metal and tines.

Armour love

Hearing this song kinda shook me since during the time I was with C-, I did just that except the part believing I belonged to somebody else. I don't know if I've grown a lot since the split, or I'm just managing better since I'm alone again but things don't get to me like they used to anymore. Not sure if it's a conscious decision or not.

You pull on your armour And put up defences
Why do you want to? Because I'm here to protect you
So take it easy I'll make it so easy
You can lay your head down And we'll leave it til tomorrow

You seem to believe you belong to somebody else
When you leave me alone in this world You know that I'm in hell
When you know what it's like To be lonely and by yourself

When your life is tangled You wear your disguises
But why do you need to When I'm standing here beside you?
So take it easy I'll make it so easy
You can lay your head down And we'll leave it til tomorrow

You seem to believe you belong to somebody else
When you leave me alone in this world You know that I'm in hell
When you know what it's like To be lonely and by yourself

Slipping through my fingers And into another's
Tell me why won't you turn back?

You seem to believe you belong to somebody else
(You know what it's like you shouldn't have to be told)
When you leave me alone in this world
You know that I'm in hell
(It's hard enough when you're alone in the world)
When you know what it's like
To be lonely and by yourself
(x2)

You'll find a way

Well, guess I missed putting my thoughts down on something after all and found myself wanting to write and share things. The DC area has seen its most snow in a while so the offices have been closed for two days now so it's definitely been a looong weekend. There's another one coming so will see about that. I was worrying since I got tickets to see La Roux and I might not be able to get in to DC with the snow and all but will see. Last week, I got to see The Magnetic Fields after missing their show the last time. I did buy tickets but forgot it somehow and realized when the concert was underway. They certainly did not disappoint, though it's weird how you would not have paid them anymind if you passed any of them in the streets. I've listened to them going on six years now after hearing this song from a movie. It just went from there, and that's when I found out about 69 Love Songs. It's interesting how the lyrics change their meaning after you've experienced love. So with Feb, it's a season of concerts since I had 3 to go to this month.

Work-wise, it's been going good. I've enjoyed being at my current job. I might have said it before but the folks are really awesome, and I'm given more responsibilities which I'm trying to do really well in. There's definitely room for growth so can see myself being there for a while. They have offices throughout the country so I'm gonna try to get reassigned somewhere warmer in the West Coast, or even Texas so will see.

Here comes the snow again. Gotta get cooking in case the power dies again.

Leaving a mark

Thanks to all the friendships I've made along the way but for a while, I've taken the role of an observer and a quiet reader instead of posting and commenting. Eventhough I haven't commented, I'm still here, and always will be. I think I've met pretty much most of my blogger friends, except one or two. It's a promise I've made to myself from the beginning and pretty much has been successful. It makes me sad when people just up and abandon their blogs, so chose not to do that. After all this time, I don't think I need a new heart after all. I'm alright with the one I got.

Life's a never-ending cycle. You laugh, you cry, you get hurt, you knowingly/unknowingly hurt others. You hate, and of course, you love. One can't exist without the other, just a matter of finding a balance and making peace with one's self. It's interesting how time changes you, things you thought that mattered, doesn't always in the end and vice versa, though it's not always easy to figure out which is which. I think I've come along since I started this blog few years ago, and am thankful for having a way to just let things out of my mind and my heart. I feel lighter on my shoulders now. I find myself censoring what to write and I didn't want to get to that point where I don't write about things that matter...even if it was just to me.

"Everybody wants to leave something behind them, some impression, some mark upon the world. And then you think, you've left a mark on the world if you just get through it and a few people remember your name. Then you've left a mark. You don't have to bend the world. I think it's better just to enjoy it. Pay your dues and enjoy it. If you shoot an arrow and it goes real high, hooray for you."

I am more me

I remember when, when i first moved here, a long time ago,
'cause i heard some song i used to hear back then, a lone time ago.
I remember when, even further back, in another town,
'cause i saw something written i used to say back then, hard to comprehend

and the question is, was i more alive then than I am now?
I happily have to disagree;
I laugh more often now, i cry more often now, I am more me.

but of cause some days, i just lie around and hardly exist,
and can´t tell apart what i´m eating from my hand or my wrist.
'cause flesh is flesh, flesh as flesh as flesh, the difference is thin.
but life has a certian ability or breating new life into me, so i breathe it in.
it says here we are, and we all are here, and you still can make sense,
if you just show up and present an honest face, instead of that grin.

and the other day, this new friend of mine said something to me
just because something starts differently,
doesn´t mean it's worth less,
and i soaked it in, how i soaked it in, how i soaked it in
and just as to prove how right he was, then you came.
so i'm gonna give, yes i´m gonna give, i'm gonna give you a try