Remembering

Right before I went to lunch, I heard that the receptionist's brother just passed away. Her mother called her at work, right in the middle of the day. The reasoning behind it is beyond me, I don't know why instead of having her go home, you would tell that kind of news over the phone. I feel awful. It brought me back to summer of last year when I heard about my grandad passing away, then upon getting there, my cousin passing away that evening. I had goosebumps remembering the pain, granted I haven't thought about it too much lately but with hearing about things like this, I can't help not to.

I really wasn't impacted by my grandad's passing away. It was worse seeing my aunts', uncle's, mom's, and my grandma's reaction as they were pushing the coffin into the grave. One of my aunts even grabbed the casket, not wanting to let go, crying out that how could my grandpa leave so soon. One even passed out, and we had to pour water over her and slap her, trying to get her to regain consciousness. Seeing my family in anguish was what finally broke me down and made me cry. I was taking some pictures, but had to put the camera down since the tears clouded my vision. One guy I dated last winter saw the pictures, and he asked what made me take that shot. I didn't know either. Maybe it was to capture the pain or maybe, I took a step back and became an observer for a moment. Seeing my loved ones in pain, and wanting as much I could to take it all away, knowing that they had to go through it alone. Taking it one day at a time, then maybe...just maybe making peace over what happened.

I know I have, or I'd like to think so at least. Though I'm aware that there will be times when the emotions would take me over, when I happen to just think about it.

*I'm gonna spare you guys by not posting the picture. I'm fine and will just write more when I'm in a different place

Tuesday yak yak

It's been a bit over a week since I actually updated. It's been good so can't complain. Nothing major but at the same time, I'm glad that things are happening. School's been interesting, I'd have to say. It's just amazing hearing about how civilizations started and all that. We have a paper due soon so need to work on that.

I hope everyone had a good Memorial Day weekend. Mine was good from what I remember. I went out the Friday prior. Well, I wasn't going to since I signed up to volunteer at F- and F- on Saturday from 8 - 10 am. Figured it'll give me an excuse not to go out on a Friday for a change since pretty much the past month, I've been going out just about every weekend. Not that there's anything wrong with it, it's been really fun hanging out with S- and meeting new people. I guess I've been more outgoing than usual though with that, I need to time to recharge since that's the way I roll. My friend J- was in town and we were supposed to meet up at least but that didn't happen. He was about 30 mins away since his parents live in Maryland. They ended up picking up his brother Friday night so plans got scraped out.

I actually spoke with S- in the afternoon which is the first time I've talked to him longest on the phone. I got let go early since I had a little 'tantrum' when my boss said something I didn't like. I usually just got quiet if I'm annoyed though my coworker said that it shows in my face, which I didn't realize. After I got home, I just went running since I was gonna end up just sitting so that. Once that's done with, that's when S- called to see what I was doing and what my plans were. Told him my friend's in town, etc etc but it's not definite yet etc etc so he told me to let him know later on the day. I actually forgot that I said I was gonna call him so I didn't. He called close to 8 pm and asked why haven't I called heehee. That was kinda embarrassing, he was talking about how I don't call papi back. I debated about going or not but I ended up going anyway.

It was a fun night. I didn't get to Cobalt til two hours after I spoke to S- so he had a bit of a drink already. I probably blushed when he'd just look at me so I'd act like I was looking at something behind him, avoiding his gaze. We stayed at Cobalt maybe for an hour. I actually saw some blogger whose blog I've looked at here and there, but it would have been too weird to just do come up to him. Funny how I've been too nervous to meet newer ones that live here in the area. After Cobalt, we made our way down to Green Lantern which is a few blocks down. It was my first time there, there weren't too many people that evening so it wasn't too bad. I was with S- and St-, S-' friend. I'm not sure what it's called but they have this thing where you get drinks for free if you're in your underwear. The other two took their pants off, and after a little peer pressure, I did the same thing. It wasn't too bad since I kept my polo on at least. Good thing I opted for boxer briefs instead of my Superman briefs. I'm not even a big comic books fan but I liked the color of it so durrr. After a while though, you kinda forget that you're not wearing any pants so it's okay. I doubt I'd be doing that if there's a lot of folks though. St- was cool, this is the second time I've hang out with him and he actually took my number when we were walking out in the street. It was funny how S- got a bit mad about it since St- is his friend.

Once the underwear hour is over, we ended up going to JR's. I don't think we stayed long and called it a night and I ended up crashing at S-' since the metro stopped running. I sooo didn't wanna get up when he woke me up around 6 to get ready for my volunteering thing. I just wanted to sleep in but ya know, I've made a commitment so gotta do what I said I'll do. It was only for two hours and we pretty much were bagging the meals to be handed out by another group. The guys on my table were really funny so that made the time fly by. I'm the laugher though, I really don't joke around much when I'm in a group. Tending to take a step back and mostly listen, or laugh. One guy was giving me the "look" everytime I accidentally put something that goes past his table. It had me cracking up. I'm that easy to laugh.

One of the guys I previously worked with was there too and we ended up being at the same table so talked to him for a bit at least. It was my first time working on a weekend and he was explaining to me how the bagging system works since there were some special meals etc. He was really helpful, not that they all were :) I actually talked to him after the shift was over. We were making my way out to the parking lot, and I asked him some questions, and ended up chatting with him for about twenty minutes. I kept asking him when he's volunteering again *blush, guess I kinda wanted to work with him again. He said if I wanted to get his number, and I was all Suuuure. I did want to hang out with him so that's nice he offered. I ended up just walking back to the metro which was five minutes away since it would have been out of his way to drop me off.

Went home, ended up napping and not waking up for my friend's barbeque all the way in Maryland. I wanted to be out but at the same, not to a bar or a club so made my way to a movie theater to watch Waitress. Just the kind of movie I needed that day. I think watching a drama, Away From Her, would not have done me much good, as much as I like drama but sometimes, you just want to watch a movie that'll make you smile about things, and especially life in general. Ya know, having to make a tough decision but at the same time, just believing that everything will turn out okay.

Lessons learned

I came across a public access video and here are the lessons learned in it:

- If you really want to earn your man, you need to learn your man.

- There's nothing wrong with liking a flashy man.

- Some women are hooked on coming.

- Some men have so much heat and intensity in their penis, you can feel it radiate through their clothes. It feels like fire underneath their skin.

- Shrimp dinner at Long John Silver's cost $2.99.

- Men who offer you "a side of penis" don't respect you.

- Don't let every man hit the bottom of your vagina and work that middle.

- Some women's mind ain't good because the penis done ejaculate all in her brain.

- Some men screw women into submission by using the penis as a weapon to break her ass down.

- When you're wide open with a penis all up in your vagina, you don't have no defenses.

- The worst thing that can happen is when a man, while he's thrusting the penis in and out, says, "Whose is it? Whose vagina is it? Who it belong to? Now, wha- wha- what I say? Who? Who?"

- Don't let every man spank your bottom and talk to you all kind of ways.

Babang Luksa

I called the family up this morning since today, 31st of May it's my grandpa's first year death anniversary. Babang Luksa literally means the end of mourning. With that, all the relatives and clans gather in a party of sorts, eating, drinking, having a good old time. I never actually knew what this meant until this morning when I read up about it. I've heard about it the longest but never really realized what it signified.

I didn't keep them long since it was a bit loud at my grandma's house. Our old neighbors from my childhood home were there, along as my second and third cousins, and family friends. The old neighbors were the ones who got to see first hand our crazy family. Fights erupting when some of the family guys go drinking, being chased down in the streets, hiding at a neighbor's house until everything settles. I laughed just now thinking about it but back then, ya know granted I accepted things as they were, I can't help not to wonder why. Anyway, that's the past.

I was just smiling talking to my grandma and my mom. People were singing karaoke in the background. I cried a bit but it was more coz of happiness knowing that they're having fun and celebrating. One of my aunts (the one wearing Reebok) and my grandma haven't spoken for months due to money problems, but I'm glad she showed up and hopefully, put whatever behind. But then, that's family, you fight you argue and sometimes even show your worst around them. Though with the ones who "act out," I think they take comfort knowing that there's family that'll always love them. That's what family is about, well for me at least. The folks who'd stand by you no matter what, well usually but not always. Though of course, we don't get to choose who ours will be, but then neither did they.

I was gonna keep quiet about this day but I felt compelled to write something. In the second pic which was taken on my 21st b-day, you'd see my grandpa in the wife-beater and my cousin, Sonny on the far right, that passed away the day we arrived in Manila a year ago, on the 8th of June. My mom's waiting until after my cousin's babang-luksa before she'd fly out to the States as to which we don't have an exact date yet but it'll be in about two to three weeks. I might not get to make my way out to Florida right when she arrives but will try to that weekend. I just won't tell her when so it'll be a bit of a surprise. I really can just see her whenever but it'll mean a lot to her me showing up around when she gets there. I just saw her last year so I'm kinda okay if I don't see her anytime soon. After not really being with my mom for almost seven years, I kinda got used to not having her around though on some days, I'd want nothing more to have her with me. Having our late night talks, just bs-ing around and making each other laugh. I miss her but not enough to live with her again methinks ;) If I could, I'd buy a mansion and have all my family living together. I sooo was thinking that growing up since it's rough having family in four different continents but guess it gives me an excuse to go back to Europe. I can only hope they're seeing the same sunset as I do, granted they're not with me, I hope they can sense there's a kid in DC thinking of them, always loving them.

He just dipped it

Knocked Up looks like it'll be a great summer movie. I haven't seen Shrek 3 or Pirates of the Carribbean, but I'll make sure to watch this opening night. It's a hoot watching movies when the theaters are packed. I have yet to watch a movie right when it opens.
This is one of the deleted scenes from the movie. It's a bit profane so might want to watch it at home.

Back to school

Last night was my first day of class and so far so good. I'm taking an actual class for History Western Civ which will run 'til the week prior to the 4th of July. It's been pretty good, granted I have yet to speak to my classmates but then it's the first day so it's okay.

Ok, my teacher kept saying it was a survey course and instead of just asking her what it meant, I looked it up and found out this morning. Anyway, we were let out an hour earlier than usual but the class actually runs from 7 to 10:20 pm. I'm gonna have to better manage my time since I'm taking three other classes online. It'll keep me busy I'm sure, so no more just sitting and doing nothing.

I'm actually excited. I missed just sitting in a classroom and listening to the teacher blah blah blah about things. I was all giddy hearing about the Theory of Evolution and such (giggling when I saw homo erectus on the slide). We only got to the pre-history portion but yea, am glad I'm back in school. If I love it enough, I'll try to go full time eventually and work part-time though my dad was saying how that's like taking a step back in a sense but whatevs.

I got home and just ended up ironing for two hours listening to ella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh. Ugh, I didn't think I'd fall for that umbrella song.

This will be random but am I the only one who waits until there's nobody in the bathroom before I step out of a stall? I wish more people would coz I just get bothered somehow knowing who was behind the door producing all those noises.. Teehee

I don't know why I have this thing but it's like if I initiate a contact with someone, it feels like I'm the 'weaker' one. I've been like that since I was younger, though as to where it's stemming from I do not know. Everyone who knows about it thinks it's dumb I feel that way about initiating contact. Oh lord, it's only been a day that I didn't hear from S-. I gave in and texted him earlier so will see how that goes. I'm trying to think back to my time here that I didn't know him, but is that possible? I soo need to meet more folks.

Friday night and the feeling's right

Friday started out well. It's been a while since I've read The Little Prince and granted I've read it a lot of times, it still makes me teary-eyed as simple as the story might be. The day was okay, me and V- were out and about on the floors working on trouble tickets that were open. Thursday night, I made my way out to Suitland, MD to see her daughter sing in a group at their school's concert. It was fun, just getting to hang out with V- and just talking about stuff. We were hysterical in the train watching Lisa Lampanelli. Some of Lisa's jokes would just leave you with your mouth open. It was a nice evening. Having become friends with V- made my stay here better but then, there's really no way but up, not that it has been horrible since my move here.

I actually asked S- if he wanted to see Shrek 3 with me. He said yes so I was looking forward to that. Funny how I was thinking how he was like the fox from the book. I've been usually hanging out with him on Fridays so yesterday, as the day is coming to an end, I felt happier and happier because I'll get to see S-. We spoke on the phone around 5 pm, and he said that he has been in meetings all day which can be tiring. I told him that he can just go home and get some rest, not telling him that I've already purchased the tickets for the 10:30 show.

I was debating to head out to the city and just walk around since I kinda got into a mindset that I'll be out and about for the evening. I ended up going still though I just missed the happy hour at DC Eagle, getting to the closest train station at 8:05. I was standing outside for a bit since I was a bit nervous going in by myself but ya know, what's the worse that could really happen so I made my way in. The bartender I chatted with, Je- was there so that put me at ease at least. And another guy I spoke with, Ju- was there as well. I actually forgot his name and he had to tell me what it was. He asked about S- and I said S- is probably home sleeping since he was tired. We got to talking, and I found out he was in the Air Force as well, went to the same base for schooling, etc. I learned some interesting things how the leather world works. What "family" meant, what it means when you have a brother, a Sir, etc. One never stops learning.

With drinking, I tend not to remember some things that happen when I get drunk. Tuesday, I was gonna say looks like but I did black out for a bit. Ju- was telling me how I sorta got thrown out of the bathroom, etc. I remember being in a stall talking to S- and a manager being there as well saying that there can't be two people in a stall, etc. I don't remember going in, or why but Ju- told me that S- and I were arguing for a bit. Not that it was loud or anything, but S- got pissed since I was talking to another guy and got the guy's number. Je- said that everybody thought that me and S- were together, but one in an open relationship more than likely. I just laughed when he told me that. I told him I've just been hanging out with S- for about three weeks now, and we never really talked about 'us' since I don't know, there isn't an 'us'!? Je- was explaining what the difference was between seeing someone and dating someone, and how S- and I probably like each other but just won't admit to it. I guess we did give off a couple vibe when we went out that day. It's interesting hearing about it from an outsider's point of view. He just told me some little things, how he thought I was an alright guy but didn't ask for my phone number with S- being there and all. He told me that S- was the one who took my glass away when I was talking to the one dude. I remember taking one shot but after that, Ju- said I had two more tequila shots. And when we left, we kinda did so abruptly. I just thought huh..

So that was that, I ended up talking to the bartenders and a Sir. The Sir seemed like a nice guy and told me how yesterday shouldn't be my last time being there. He told me I should go to the Leatherfest. I had to ask what it was and they said it is a party, so will see about that one. Je- was calling me a cub so yea, thought it was kinda funny.

I ended up not going to the movies. I asked them if I could use the online reservation for a later show and the girl told me to just check with the manager upstairs. I ended up hanging out with a guy I never met but chatted with a few times. We just walked around Chinatown for a little bit trying to find a place that was open but they were all closed, and it was only 11! We ended up just sitting by Haegen Dasz and just talking. I got ice cream and to think it was really cold out. We just talked maybe for an hour or so. I was a bit tipsy after drinking at the bar, and was getting really sleepy so we made our way back to the metro station. We stood around for a while and talked even more until our train got there. We found more stuff to talk about so that was good, there were talks about getting together again so will have to make sure that happens.

I start school this Monday so that would keep me busy at least. The actual class for History will be Mondays and Wednesdays for about 3 hrs each for six weeks. The other three, will be distance learning for 16 so it shouldn't be too bad. Though taking Precalculus with Trigonometry online, will see how that'll go, having to make sense out of all the formulas only from a book.

Well it's almost 5 now. Just went running today and went to pick up some groceries. That was like four hours ago so definitely need to get showered now and do laundry. Probably just stay in and watch some DVD's. Listening to Landslide right now, the only Stevie Nicks I know so far. Can I handle the seasons of my life? I don't know.....