You must begin wherever you are....

Soon enough, I'm hoping to put a blog up of sayings, meditations, and quotations that I've come across and liked through the years. I have a box full of them and have yet to actually type 'em up but will start on it soon. Err, I write down who said which though, hopefully they won't try to sue me :) Some just touches me, and some serves as a reminder when I start to forget the things that matter.

If you are waiting for something to happen before you begin what you want to do, it will never happen. If you are waiting to get something before you do what you say what you want to do, you will never get started. If you are waiting for the right time, the right person, the right circumstances, you could be waiting forever. How about this, what can you do right now? Can you write a letter? Make a call? Finish a plan? Structure a goal? Can you pick a name? Paint a wall? Ask a question? Sweep a floor? Can you structure a schedule? Can you project a date? Can you fulfill a promise? Can you read a book? Can you stop doing all the things you do that keep you from doing the one thing you want to do? Can you pray? Can you sing? Can you dance right where you are? Whatever you can do, you better do it now. Now is all you have to work with.

-Iyanla Vanzant
Acts of Faith

On a pastel ward...

I'm finally back to work yesterday after taking the previous week off. As some of you know, I had a surgery done somewhere *blush. It was an outpatient surgery done back on Monday and I spent pretty much the whole week at the house, only stepping out on Friday to go to class.
I wish I can say I have a big thunk, maybe just a little bit. Just being still made me think about things, things I've said and done to people which really aren't the nicest.

It's been a long time since I've actually gone to the hospital. I used to go in a lot when I was younger since I was an accident-prone kid. Breaking my arm after falling off of a tree, my leg when my hand slipped on a monkey bar, bitten by a dog, you name it. Guess I wasn't as good of a kid as I thought. I used to get into all sorts of stuff, well that's only coz I liked to play a lot. Maybe I should get back and try to find activities to do now that I'm older... Playing sure made me forget, even for just a bit, that maybe, what was happening was just temporary and not gonna last forever. It's crazy the things one's mind can remember.

The most major accident I had was when I think I was 6!? We were making balls out of mud and throwing it against the wall and taking them right off and do the same thing. To get to the wall though, we had to get up maybe two feet with a ledge of maybe 3 inches. There's this pointy metal sticks that served as a fence. You can actually see it in the background of this picture right nya. I got on the ledge (which was a bit wet) and as I was trying to get the mud off the wall, my foot slipped and my head went straight into the metal fence, right through my chin and piercing through my tongue as well. I guess my body went right into shock, because to this day, I don't remember the pain. It was a bit hazy after wards, I don't remember even having any energy to get myself out. My cousin had to lift my head up to get me out of the fence.

During that time, my mom was told of what happened and she just yanked me and carried me and started running to get a cab. I remember her carrying me and with my face right on her shoulder, I recall the blood gushing out my mouth/chin. I don't remember anything else after getting to the hospital. I recall having to stay there for a while as to how long, I do not know. I had problem eating since the saliva would build up, or even talking since I'd start drooling. Sometimes I wonder if that might have been why I have a bit of a lisp.

Anyway, I just felt the need to tell that story. When I told my mom Sunday that I was gonna get surgery Monday, she started crying since she wanted to be there. I told her not to worry about it since she had work anyways, and it'll just be a minor one. She is such a dramatic actress haha. I can see where she's coming from though. At least now, I have C-. He took some days off so he can just stay home and take care of me. I really appreciated that, and I hope he can feel it. Well I sent him a text just now so he'd actually know.

Things have been crazy since mid-January as some of you who I've talked to is aware. I'd rather not elaborate on it, but I've hurt people I love without realizing it. I think I get overwhelmed with emotions sometimes that I don't know what to do with it. For the most part, I've been happier than I used to be or I'd like to think so. I don't pray any longer for someone to love since he showed up in my life. I remember just wanting to have somebody to share things with, to do different things with, to go to places with. And now that he's here, I'm thinking just like that life!? I just met him for something to eat and here we are almost nine months later!? Sometimes I forget that good things happen simply because I deserve it. I need to stop racking my brains out trying to find reasons that I don't deserve something. Because honestly I really do. I underestimate myself too much and it's got to stop! I guess I got used to going through things by myself that it's taking some getting used to for me to open up, and talk about what's bothering me, or just talk about how my day was. For C-, I'm really grateful...

Anyway, I should be getting back to work now. Oh, I also got to see the Spice Girls on the 28th of Feb. Mannn, that was amazing to finally see them in the flesh. Something I've been wanting since I was 14/15 yrs old. I guess I'll never outgrow them. They take out the girl in me haha. I was dancing around during the show, and to think I was sober doing it too. But it's kinda funny how almost everybody knew the steps, it was a riot :D I wanna I wanna I wanna I wanna I wanna really really really wanna zig-a-zig ah!!!

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey And the pain's starting to slip away, hey hey I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining

One day only

The blog looks the way it was years ago. My settings got really screwy so will use this in the meantime until I have more time to fix it.

In light of the concert I'm going to tonight, I'm putting this up again for just today.. I'm gonna see the Spice Goils *grins Yes!!! 11 yrs and it's finally happening. It's okay.. You can laugh... Girl power!



As promised to D-man, a vid I made singing and dancing to the SG hehe! It's all for fun *grins....

#^@%!!!

I deleted the layout that I had by accident and now, I don't have a link to a single blog I like. Trying to get this back like it was...

Update:
Yeah!!! Thanks to Dessie, I got a snapshot of how it looked like. Just a matter of copying and pasting... Someone needs to learn html

Quit while you're a head!!

I'm feeling better now, and watching this video certainly helped :D I told this at work and good thing my coworkers found it funny.

Random things (not any better than last)

Posting the pics of me wearing the jackets that I bought. I'm leaning more with the leather since it could go with dress and casual clothes. And this whole time, all I was trying to find is a water-proof jacket. Maybe I'll just get a rain coat! But D-man, here goes as you requested. I'm probably keeping the leather one. Whatcha guys think?

I guess this is how life works sometimes. Thursday went well as I caught up with a friend I haven't seen in a loong time, then it just went downhill from there. I'm a bit better than I was over the weekend. Friday just turned really shitty than I can't hold things in anymore. With the whole telling the dad thing, it just felt like I had to tell him that night. I could have waited til he actually picked up but I didn't. I ended up calling a fellow blogger, as to what i don't remember. I think I just needed to hear a friendly voice. I get in the dumps and it sucks I don't have a friend close by I can just go to. All I have here are acquaintances, and all the folks I'm good friends, they're either in Florida, Cali, Washington or Idaho.

But yeah, during our talk, I had to go to the bathroom really bad and instead of hanging up, I tried to do two things at once. Alas, my cell fell in the toilet and hasn't worked since. I'm waiting on a new one from AT&T that should arrive tomorrow. Here I was thinking I didn't need the insurance. Oh, when you call for a replacement for whatever reason, did you guys know you have to pay a deductible? I certainly didn't but they charge you $50 for doing so. They'll be sending me a Sony w580i since I have an older version of it I got two years ago.

But yea, that's about it really. Didn't do a whole lot Sunday, was on the computer mostly discovering new music, and reading Alice in Wonderland. Never got to read it or watch the movie though the quotations I've come across sounded interesting soo yea, that's about it.

Good thing I didn't get an iPhone yesterday as I was planning to, and spent all that money. An issue came up with the mom, and right now I'm not really happy with her. I've been telling her to go back to Florida but she won't listen, but after what happened today, she said crying that she might just have to. I doubt she will though. She'd say all this stuff trying to make me feel better, with someone moving in at the spare room at their apartment (my old one) so the rent will be less, that she's trying to find a full-time job, I tell her where to go but all she listens to are her Filipino friends. Maybe I haven't helped her as much as I could... We get into fights about this, that I'm not doing enough for her as a son. I say that I can only do so much, but she still has this mentality that I'm gonna help until the end. I'm just angry right now, and had to vent somewhere so derrr...

Hate me... (WARNING: Moping)

Well my brother told me sometime during our talk last week that my stepmom already knows about me being gay. He said she really didn't care which made me glad. I've never spoken to her about it but I'm sure she had ideas. Last night, I ended up going out to a bar when all I wanted to do was just stay home and rest. I was at the bar for a good 2-3 hours, and called it a night. It was fun, talked to some new folks and ran into a bunch of guys I hang out with when I just moved here. They'd have this parties and this one guy that I met invited me, with me not knowing anybody in the city. Anyway, I met this one woman named Mary and this whole time, she was asking one of the guys where I was. Mary and I really hit it off. She's this 50-something woman that's like a ball of energy, I loved her that night. But yea, I got one of the guys' number so will call them and maybe stop by where they work. I'm glad she remembers me.

Anyway, as I was saying, I ended up calling my dad on my way to the car just saying I was glad that they got the CD I sent them, and that all's well, amongst other things. Right towards the end of the vmail, I said something along these lines: "I went Ummm, Dad Oh yea, there's something that I should tell you. Ummm, I'm gay. But yea, that's about it really. I just thought you should know. So yea, just call me sometime."

I texted my bro and told him I ended up telling my dad through voicemail. He said I probably should have waited until I ACTUALLY was talking to him, but later on he texted that everything will be okay. I was planning to tell my dad before January ended but didn't get around to it. I got really, really close when he asked me who I was living with if it was neither my old roommates nor my mom.

Right now, I just have all these mixed emotions. Scared, excited, lonely, just all these emotions. I feel like I'm just wading through the days, not knowing what to do. With things in my life, you think I'd be happy. Have a good job I just started early January, have a bf, my mom's here, but I don't know, it just doesn't seem enough. It feels like there's just this empty spot that I cannot fill. I thought I love myself already but I actually have yet to get there. I really thought I did, granted I feel better about myself than I used to, but I guess I don't love me completely. I really wish I can integrate what other people see in me and the way that I see myself. They see this good, funny, smart kid and I'm probably some of those things, but when I look at the mirror, I don't see any of those things. I just see me, and that's it. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse that I don't see myself like others do, maybe it helps to keep my feet on the ground or it's a curse that I can't see the good in me.

Am I still seeking my dad's love and approval after all this time? I really don't know. I thought I was past that but maybe I'm just fooling myself. I think I turned out okay with the things I've seen and done for 24 years. I don't think about it much. Things happened and that's just life you know!? Do I wish it was different? Sometimes I do from time to time. I just wonder... How it would have been if I grew up in the States? If I grew up in a sane environment? It wasn't that great but the family loved me, but it just didn't seem enough. There's this sad feeling that I just didn't belong as much as I want to. I felt like an outsider just looking in. I know that the family loves me but sometimes the things you were told kinda stays stuck in my head. My mom told me once that my grandma was just helping us out of pity. And granted that I felt her love, it's just in the back of my mind whether she really loves me or not.

I have this anger that I'm not sure what's stemming from. I'm a good, happy, go-lucky guy most of the times, and yet if someone does something not right in my eye, I'm just about to bite their head off. I took out my mom to the movies Thursday night, and I got really frustrated since when were trying to get something to eat, she seriously considered not eating since she didn't know what to get. I was just there thinking, how the fuck is this possible!? I sensed this rage just coming from within and I had to step out just not to be around her even for a few seconds.

I want love but at the same time, I don't. I'll do things to make people love me, and once they do, it seems like I just don't want it anymore. When I feel that people love me, I'll try to make them hate me. As if I'm asking them, "Can you love me a little less please?" I just want to be left alone, maybe I wouldn't feel bad because there won't be anyone I can do these things to.

I'm forgetting what matters....