Second night

This weekend was Pride weekend in DC, and as much as I wanted to take part with all the festivities, I didn't. I'm all moved in to the new place and it feels a bit off still waking up in a different environment.

This is the first move where I didn't really prepare more than I could have. Day of moving and I was still packing things around the house. I just felt 'off' about it that the few days prior, I just sat around the house and just did everything else BUT pack. It wasn't intentional but moving year after year for the past 4 years got to me for the first time.

I am actually glad I opted to hire movers instead since folks who I asked weren't gonna help, and the ones who said they would didn't show. It was frustrating I sorta just stopped communicating with them all day since I didn't see the point. Ended up having my mom call out from work just so you can be there eventhough I tried not to let her do too much. The move ended up taking about 4 hrs, and it was exhausting enough I plopped down on the couch with my mom by my feet and we'd talk occasionally, or she'd make jokes which is her usual self.

Eventually, it came up how I live really close to downtown now so they have shops and stores that I can now walk to. My mom wanted to go so told she ought to without me tagging along. It's like half a mile away and had to convince her that she's not gonna get lost, or if she does, she can call. And somehow, when she left, I just started moving things around in the room and putting things together. She ended up coming back to the apartment and not too long after that, we left since I had to go back to Alexandria and grab some things and drop her off. In the three years she's been here, she hasn't really gone out to DC and just explore. On the drive back, we were gonna try to eat at Panera but alas, they were closed so while driving through the city, told her we can check out U St. So did that, and went to Bus Boys and Poets. She enjoyed it so was glad about that.

So dropped her off and had to drive a good 17 miles to get back to my new place. People have mentioned time and time that my mom would give her life for me or that she loves me so much. I really don't think of it too much since I dunno, I have this notion that it's a given that parents are supposed to love their kids. Somehow on the drive back, it just hit me that she's actually one of the few people who will always be constant in my life that I can depend on. She tries to always be there for me, and at times, when I try not to be stubborn, and let her, she comes through wayyy more than I give her credit for. People can profess that they would do this or that for you, but you can only go by their actions.

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

If I remember correctly, those lines were written about someone losing her father and at times, I wonder if it'll be like that for me. I'm thinking I'll be fine if I lose my mom, or just lose it that I wouldn't know how to go on. Just made me think...

Changes

Well, a year has passed and it's time to move again, granted it'll be like within a 20 mile radius, I think even less but still. My intent was to stay at this apartment I'm in for 2 years but somehow these past six months, things kinda changed that. I got tired of the surroundings, and the people upstairs are just real loud walkers, no matter what time of day it is.

Today was good overall. A conversation with a coworker enlightened me over a decision I brewing on for a whole week. It was work related but still, it was doing me in. I'm given more responsibility at work now, and granted I do well, that thing known as doubt rears its head and makes me question my abilities.

I ended up  not leaving  work til 5, so much for living early! I ended up talking to one of the field guys for a good hour about work and our pasts. Somehow it came up that he's going through a divorce right now, and I told him I was sorry to hear that. His answer was 'It happens' which is true but still sad. But then what do I know, I went through close to divorce as one can and it sucked for both of us, though it wasn't exactly mutual but at that time for me, it felt like the right thing to do.

Will write more tomorrow since I'm sleepy.

After all

I'm back to blogging after all. After stopping for a while, I felt the need of having somewhere to go and emptying my thoughts since sometimes I feel like people get tired of me talking about probably the same things over and over.

I'm just waiting on my friend right now. We've become pretty good friends for the past few weeks though we sorta had trouble not too long ago. I wasn't there for him the one time he needed me to be there. I've apologized and made amends since then, but one simple act that I thought would not matter actually did bigger than I imagined.

The job's going well though so glad about that. Time to time, I can't deal with users but oh well, that's part of doing customer service, what can one do really. These past weeks kinda stressed me out too coz I was actually been looking at houses to possibly buy. I considered it at first back in the winter but the realtor told me it was too soon if I wasn't looking to buy 'til the summer. So put it on hold and was actually considering just staying put where I live now. However, after receiving a letter from the leasing office that the rent's gonna go up and we'd have to pay utilities now, it made me change my mind. Adding to that, the neighbors above us are real heavy walkers be it midnight, or morning, weekdays or weekends, that's all I'd hear when I'm at home.

I did make an offer for one weeks ago but it didn't come through since there were some things with the house that the VA won't allow if you buy a house. This one had one bathroom that wasn't working which apparently is a no-go with the VA, even though it has two working ones.

I put in an offer for another one just this Friday which I actually liked more since it was close to the metro station and a few stores like Target, Macy's, movie theater among other things. I drove around the neighborhood and actually liked the area. I initially saw some houses but they were short sales so won't make the April 30th deadline for the home tax credit which I'm trying to get. My agent e-mailed me this morning as to where we are. The house was initially listed for 250k, but has gone down to 237k. I offered 220k but my agent said to be ready for a counter offer and to ask myself how much I'm willing to pay. I was game for the listing price they had initially but it'll be good to get it down even a bit. The townhouse can be seen here.

I sorta imagined myself living in it already and it'll be wonderful to get my C's back though I will have one, Caeden more than likely. Things with C- have taken a turn as to where I'm not sure. I think we're both still holding on though I can sense it changing soon. The idea of me moving to Chicago came up and I did consider it though if I do end up buying the house, that will not happen. I initially told him I could move this summer but after thinking it through, figured I'd want to wait until I hit my one-year at my current job. Due to my pattern, he doesn't believe it and don't want to be hopeful then, I'm gonna be saying that I'm not moving so where would that leave him. I asked him to give me til December but he said no. We haven't talked really since then. My friend tried to persuade me to fly out this past weekend but I didn't so that's where things stand. I don't know, with having just started a part time job and stuff, it makes more sense to move this winter, giving me enough time to save up and apply for jobs. Is that my unwillingness to sacrifice for him this time around? I don't really see it as unwillingness but just being smarter about the move. I got excited about it that one day and had all this elaborate schemes on how I could make it work since I've always managed after all. Thing is after wanting a government job for 3 yrs and finally getting it, I'm not sure I want to leave after putting in 5 months.

Miike Snow - Burial (Live, In the Woods)

Will be seeing them next month :D

Spoon or Fork

Found this a while ago but sharing to those who hasn't read it

INT. SILVERWARE DRAWER - NIGHT

A SPOON creeps toward an empty slot in a cutlery caddy.

A lamp flickers on.

The Spoon GASPS.

The FORK scowls at the Spoon, his tines shaking in anger. FORK

Where have you been?

SPOON

Um ... I was taking a midnight dip ... in the sink.

FORK

Alone?

SPOON

I suppose you're going to accuse me of sneaking off with one of the knives from the butcher block again. And that you imagined that you heard us clinking together in the dark.

The Fork hands the Spoon a manila file folder.

FORK

I hired the spatula to follow you. He took these pictures.

The Spoon slowly opens the folder. She finds photographs of herself frolicking with a dish on the dish rack.FORK

Is it true? Are you diddlin' the Dish?

SPOON

Forky ...

FORK

(turning away)

Oh god ...

SPOON

I didn't plan it. I was just lying in the spoon rest, and the next thing I knew, I found myself plunged into his hot, sticky --

FORK

You can tell me he dipped you. You can tell me he's stirred you, but please, please, tell me he didn't ...

SPOON

Spoon me?

The Forks looks directly at her, but now the Spoon turns away.

FORK

We were happy once. Remember the night when you first ran your fingers through my tines ... What happened?

SPOON

I could say it's not you. I could say it's me, but it'd be a lie.

FORK

It's my agoraphobia, isn't it?

SPOON

I can't spend the rest of my life shut away in this drawer, Forky. I want to see the world before I'm too tarnished to go anywhere.

FORK

I'll change. I'll ... I'll ...

The Spoon smiles sadly, her oval head drooping.

SPOON

I'd better go.

The Spoon pushes the drawer open and hops out.

The Fork crawls after her.

FORK

Spoonie! Spoonie, come back!

The Fork tries to follow her, but freezes at the edge of the drawer. He folds over as if touched by the invisible hands of Uri Geller, collapsing into a sobbing heap of metal and tines.

Armour love

Hearing this song kinda shook me since during the time I was with C-, I did just that except the part believing I belonged to somebody else. I don't know if I've grown a lot since the split, or I'm just managing better since I'm alone again but things don't get to me like they used to anymore. Not sure if it's a conscious decision or not.

You pull on your armour And put up defences
Why do you want to? Because I'm here to protect you
So take it easy I'll make it so easy
You can lay your head down And we'll leave it til tomorrow

You seem to believe you belong to somebody else
When you leave me alone in this world You know that I'm in hell
When you know what it's like To be lonely and by yourself

When your life is tangled You wear your disguises
But why do you need to When I'm standing here beside you?
So take it easy I'll make it so easy
You can lay your head down And we'll leave it til tomorrow

You seem to believe you belong to somebody else
When you leave me alone in this world You know that I'm in hell
When you know what it's like To be lonely and by yourself

Slipping through my fingers And into another's
Tell me why won't you turn back?

You seem to believe you belong to somebody else
(You know what it's like you shouldn't have to be told)
When you leave me alone in this world
You know that I'm in hell
(It's hard enough when you're alone in the world)
When you know what it's like
To be lonely and by yourself
(x2)

You'll find a way

Well, guess I missed putting my thoughts down on something after all and found myself wanting to write and share things. The DC area has seen its most snow in a while so the offices have been closed for two days now so it's definitely been a looong weekend. There's another one coming so will see about that. I was worrying since I got tickets to see La Roux and I might not be able to get in to DC with the snow and all but will see. Last week, I got to see The Magnetic Fields after missing their show the last time. I did buy tickets but forgot it somehow and realized when the concert was underway. They certainly did not disappoint, though it's weird how you would not have paid them anymind if you passed any of them in the streets. I've listened to them going on six years now after hearing this song from a movie. It just went from there, and that's when I found out about 69 Love Songs. It's interesting how the lyrics change their meaning after you've experienced love. So with Feb, it's a season of concerts since I had 3 to go to this month.

Work-wise, it's been going good. I've enjoyed being at my current job. I might have said it before but the folks are really awesome, and I'm given more responsibilities which I'm trying to do really well in. There's definitely room for growth so can see myself being there for a while. They have offices throughout the country so I'm gonna try to get reassigned somewhere warmer in the West Coast, or even Texas so will see.

Here comes the snow again. Gotta get cooking in case the power dies again.