Friyay

Wow, the week sure did fly by. One more day of answering phones and next week, will be out on the floor fixing things, not really sure how I feel about it. I run into unique computer problems, and I guess that's a good thing but sometimes, I'd rather not learn just yet.

Yesterday was the first time I ran after a week and a half of not doing anything. It felt good since I wanted to shake off this weird feeling that came over me earlier. Just got to thinking about going back to Florida, to a point where I thought to just quit this job and move back down. Just been thinking about school lately. Granted, I'm taking classes this summer however, I'm gonna have to pay out-of-state tuition fee and it'll cost a LOT. It won't be until Spring that I can become a residen, and with that, I'll lose the scholarship back in Florida. It'll pay 75% so hmmm.. I still have a while though, it'll be good until Dec 2009, three years after I got out of the military so will see.

I'm liking the DC area more. Getting to see music shows, and living pretty close to the city has been good. Knowing I have all these options of things to do, places to see, is nice. I need to start meeting people again though. I kinda took a break from meeting new folks after that whole E- incident. And to think, he doesn't even live here. I oughta write about that evening since it feels like I only write about the not so good things. Getting two hours of sleep and coming in to work the next day, mannn that was rough.I used to say I wouldn't do that but sometimes, one gets caught up in the moment. I was with him and a friend I never met until that day. It doesn't make much sense but will explain later.

It still sucks not having friends in the area but I'm more at peace with that now. Here and there, I'd wish I did when I see a group of folks just out and about, but I'm being patient. Obviously, I can't just wish and not do anything so meeting possibly two people this weekend and see how that goes. I might see Hot Fuzz with one of them but still trying to finalize it. And Saturday, maybe explore the museums. I've been here four months and have yet to set foot at any. I've hit the bars and clubs but those doesn't really count, does it?

My dad's gonna be in NC next week for my cousin's graduation. I probably won't go, I kinda forgot all about it after the aunt who I've been talking to kinda went off the radar. It's a 6-hr drive and doubt I'd be up for it. There's gonna be a wedding this summer too but it's in Atlanta so doubt I'd go to that one either. My dad doesn't even know my mom's coming to the States. I MIGHT pick her up from Cali to Florida but will see how that'll go. Oh wow, that's coming up soon.

Enough

Since moving here in NoVa, I've been asked mostly by cashiers what i am. With some, I find it funny when they say they can tell by the eyes. The homeless lady, she cracked me up when she said it's because of my chinky eyes (I'm sure she didn't mean it in a bad way).

Last Monday, I got asked about where I was from twice at two different stores. The first one kinda argued about it with me coz I told her the Philippines. I mentioned that I grew up there though my dad is black. As if I wasn't aware, I don't look black she was insisting that I can't be from there since I'm black. I mentioned that I'm mixed and I think kinda offended her when I said I might look black, but I'm not. I guess to a point that might seem racist since some folks might think I'm disowning my blackness. But what can I do really? Granted I lived in Florida for two years, I feel like I'm lying when I say I was from there when I'm well aware that I just lived there. Sometimes I think I just should to just not deal with the questions. The second girl, she just accepted what I said, and even thanked me in Tagalog on my way out. Dunno what really prompted the question.

Even with ethnicity in questionnaires, I still have an issue checking off which. I can check off Asian but I really don't look like it, I can check off Black but I don't feel like I am one, if that makes sense. I'm not one more than the other. I used to think why couldn't have I just looked like the rest when growing up. It would have been easier, but being mixed, people kinda had a higher expectation of me, even my mom. You can't mess up, it's enough that you were left behind by a foreign father, you gotta do better. I used to feel like the picture, but not anymore.


I'm working the late shift since my coworker had a medical appointment to go to. Everybody pretty much left around 6, so I'm all by myself at the office. I like it like this sometimes, nobody but me so I come in 20 mins before my shift starts sometimes. I usually laugh it off as far as my race and whatnot, but just got to thinking about it tonight.

Not black enough to be black, not filipino enough for Filipino. I guess I can just be me, and that should be enough.

I'm bald again

It's Tuesday now as I finish writing this. Was meaning to write all morning but got sidetracked with all the people calling *shocks

 

It was a good weekend. It apparently was nice up here in DC but I found out a little bit too late. I've made plans to make my way back to Hampton, which is a three-hour drive which as some of you would know where I used to live unitl December during my time in the military. I really haven't gone back since I left, but lately I kinda felt the need to come back to something familiar even for a little bit. I really wouldn't say that it was homesickness since my time there wasn't really the greatest, partly due to me as well and some things that went on.

I actually stayed at M-'s house whom I dated late '06. We dated for like three weeks but with me getting out of the military, being undecided what to do next, it kinda made things complicated and it sorta fizzled. He thought I didn't like him, which I did but I was confused about what my next step will be so kinda let if fall by the wayside eventhough I was starting to develop feelings for him. 

I made my drive straight after work last Friday and it was crrrrazy. Took me an hour to drive 20 miles, getting away from the NoVA area. I didn't get to where I needed to go 'til about 2015 (8:15 pm for you civilian folks kidding!!) I was a bit tired but I was glad I made the trip. I got a bit nostalgic driving down the streets I used to drive in, and the sunset was just amazing. It just had the perfect shade of orange and I was just in awe looking at it from the rear view mirror. Things appear bigger that way too. M- has three labradors, and I kinda missed those dogs too. I didn't know what to get for him, so I ended up getting some squeaky toys for the dogs instead and none for him. I seriously didn't know what to get. I suck at gift-giving. I didn't realize how cute those toys were, I was wanting to keep one for me.

I got there, and after freshening up a bit, we stepped out and went to the Ghent area. I loved this area since they have an independent theater and video rental store that I used to go to. Getting to watch some indie films, and brit sitcoms The Vicar of Dibley, the Peep Show, etc. We went to a Texas grill place and just caught up on what each other has been up to, etc. The topic of us came up eventually and we were able to talk about it. How it just sorta passively ended leaving both of us not in the know of what actually happened. We've both moved on but I did miss him for a bit, just laughing with him, talking with him. I pretty much told him how I felt. I know it's past but I think we both needed that conversation, call it closure if you will. He told me he was glad to hear those things, coz I did let him know I reconsidered staying in the area after I've met him. 2006 wasn't the greatest to be honest, I had a hard time making friends, and with the deaths in the family, seeing them and having to come back to aloneness, it got the best of me. I pulled away from everybody, resurfacing in the world for a bit of air, then sinking back down. Towards the end, I liked it a bit more living in Hampton after having met M-. I'd go to work smiling, having someone to look forward to seeing. Ah well, that's the past. What can you do but move forward.

 

This drink he had me try was actually good. Instead of ordering just margarita, you can ask for margarita vodka or vodka margarita, with no salt. He told me instead of using tequila, they would use vodka instead. Either vodka margarita or margarita vodka, I seriously don't remember haha. What I know about alcohol is pretty much limited. I use the bathroom like crazy when I drink so guess that's good my system flushes it right out.

 

Saturday, it's more of a lazy day and we went to an Italian place and had calzone. It's been my favorite ever since I got to eat it the first time back in Oct when we had it when I first met M-. We just went to the mall and walked around, and we were gonna see Grindhouse but it wasn't playing until 10 pm. The alergy pill made us both tired so we just left and went back to his place. Stopping by Naro in between, grabbing some Dairy Queen shake thinking it'll wake us up, and the rental store to get some movies. Got Shortbus and Monsters Inc since he hasn't seen either one. I haven't seen Shortbus, and now that I have I really can't say that I like it or not. I don't know what to think of it really. He just stayed in, while I got ready to meet out with my friend MJ-. I haven't seen her since I left so it was good catching up again after all this time. We just went to a club and danced around mostly. Boy, were we drenched. The club was packed and we felt like dancing after just watching people dance for an hour. We left a little bit after they stopped serving alcohol but I sat around for a bit to sober up. Not that I had that many drinks. I had maybe three!? But I tend to drink them like soda, drink it right up in like 5 minutes. I didn't get back to M's place til like 4 since I got lost. MJ- told me to make a right turn at this one street. I remembered the street name but not which way to take so made a left and just kept on going....and going...and going. After stopping at a gas station, I just looked up the directions and find my way back in no time. Got McDonald's pancake and sausage yummmm.. Good thing the woman didn't hear me the first time I ordered and asked for a sausage muffin, but seeing that they had pancakes, I remembered how much I liked it. When I was working at McDonald's, I'd order pancakes and sausage for dinner. I just love pancakes, I eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner when I get in the mood. I didn't use syrup until moving to the U.S. though. What we did is put sugar, and evaporated milk on it instead of butter and syrup. I didn't even know what syrups were.

 

Didn't wake up 'til 10 and we planned on having brunch at least, MJ-, M- and I but that didn't happen. M- sister was gonna come by around noon to go some music and arts show they had in DC, and MJ- was gonna go to a birthday party of the boy she babysits. I messaged my other friend J- and asked if he was busy. I was planning to just have short brunch with him but we ended up just sitting there for like three hours, shooting the breeze and talking. I kinda stopped e-mailing him after having moved here, just questioning some things. Eventhough we've become good friends, how I met him was kinda shady since he pretended to be somebody else. He thought I was cheating with his bf so he used a pseudonym trying to get information from me. He asked if I go to a site called adam4adam which I never heard of until he mentioned it teehee. He explained everything to me later on and it really didn't bother me, or I thought it didn't.

 

I guess I do trust easily but I really can't not to. I've met some people that are just cynical, realistic maybe but I can't not trust. I can't go through life thinking something bad is going to happen, and that I can't trust people in this time and age. I've been wronged but that won't stop me from believing that of the good out there. There's so much goodness around, but people tend to focus on the wrongs. Maybe it's just because nothing major has happened to me yet to make me think otherwise. I've just always relied on people's kindness, and I think to an extent, you get what you put out in the universe. Teehee, you get what you put out. But joking aside, I really rely on strangers navigating through this life. I always think back when I was 16, lost in Tallahassee trying to find my way back to the FSU campus. I was waving people down (back when I didn't know what the hitchhiking sign was) but eventually just came up to one car and took my chances. Knocking on the poor guy's window, asking him if he can take me to FSU since I can't find my way around and I needed to be back in 15 minutes or I won't graduate from the Boys State program. He did gave me ride, and eventhough I took his name down, didn't really get to send him a thank you note or anything. That has been five years ago, and since then I've done the same. I've given rides to folks, a woman who I gave a ride since it'll be pointless waiting for the bus for like half an hour, a couple who managed the Bailey and Barnum circus who bought an LCD TV and instead of having to walk a mile or two to get to their train right next to the train station. The guy actually told me to give them a call and offered to tour me around, show me the animals, and get me in to the show for free. Did I go? No. But regardless, doing these things really doesn't take much out of one's time. I just try do my part when I see someone who needs a little help, remembering what it was like when I was in their shoes, that it was a random act of a stranger that made all the difference, whether they realize it or not.

 

And I was just writing about the weekend. Went a little off but after talking with J- for a few hours, I had to make my way back. He told me not to write about what happened next when we were by our cars shooting the breeze. A bird did a kamikaze attack on him. He's giving me a hard time over something, and out of nowhere you just see this mass just fall right on his forehead. That was the funniest thing, seeing the whole thing unfold.

 

I made it home 3 1/2 hours later. Got showered, tried shaving and messed up my moustache, I shaved off a bit more than I intended making it look like a triangle. So just shaved it all off, it feels weird not having it since I look different. A little bit later, after watching Planet Earth, I got the urge to shave my hair so now I'm bald again, or skinhead a better term.

No, I don't think that song was about me Carly

I'm just on my lunch break and got about 20 more minutes before I go back. I'm halfway done thank goodness. It's been a good few days. Last Thursday, I actually went to the local community college and took the placement exam for English and Math. I did really well, eventhough I've been out of school for about five years. It's crazy to think that it's been that long since I was in school. I signed up for some courses when I was in Japan, but dropped most of them due to different things. Lack of motivation, wanting to work part-time instead, etc. Sometimes it feels like I wasted like those years of not taking any classes, but ah well, that's the past and nothing I can do about it.

 

I'm getting excited about going to school again though right now, I'm just gonna be taking Distance Learning courses since I'm going to pick up my mom in the West Coast this summer when she moves here. Gives me an excuse to go back to Cali again though I'll have her fly to SoCal since my dad is in the Bay area and I'd rather keep them apart. Not that there's bad blood between them, though I think they've pretty much stopped talking to each other for a few years now. I was pretty much their link, and with me not living with either one of them, there's really no reason for them to call each other up. I'm gonna sign up for a full load so it can give me a good feel of how it'll feel like going to school full time. It'll run for four months so it shouldn't be too hard, just need to balance all my courses. I'm signing up for Math, History, and a Computer class and this other thing they require all students to take, a developmental course. I'm gonna have to pay out-of-state rate though so will see how much the financial aid will cover. It's just insane, how much they charge if you're not a state resident. Mostly been working on school last week, well figuring out which ones to take since some I know I'd rather take in a traditional classroom. I enjoy the interaction with the teacher.. even more if they're cute.

 

I pretty much stayed in this weekend and watched a bunch of movies. I was gonna try to make it to the Cherry Blossom Parade but woke up at 10:30, and found out the parade started at 10. I just watched it on the television while I stayed in bed, bundled in my comforter. It was cold and windy, and it's hard for me to go out and about when it's like that. I'd rather stay in and do nothing. Watched The Prestige, Absolutely Fabulous, and finished the rest of Volver. It was freaking me out a bit with the "ghost" and what not, though it all made sense after seeing more of the movie. I cried watching it, though laughed at me while doing so. I find it funny sometimes how I can bawl over a movie though one time when I was younger, my cousins and my neighbor made fun when they saw me crying while watching a show. I got so angry, I went upstairs, cursing them out aloud. To think I usually didn't curse when I was younger....not that I do now.

 

I'm going out on jobs this week once again and will try my best to not let things get to me. There's this one lady that I spoke with ( I forgot her name again) and she asked me how I've been, etc. She was out of the office all last week since her grandbaby was sick, but I would not have known since I was manning the phones all last week. She commented on how her grandbaby was like me since he was a happy baby. How my "kind"  might have all the problem in the world but you won't be able to tell since we always have a smile on our face. It is true though since when I was in the mil, I can be close to breaking down yet still smiled to everybody. Not that it's bad since it got my superiors to do things in my favor when I needed their help, and all because I always had a smile on my face. I really don't think about it much, let alone my smile, but I've gotten comments about it. I had some faculty sign my yearbook and one said that my smile will stay with her forever. The lady this morning, she said that my smile was a boost for her everyday which was something my NJROTC commander wrote as well. Dunno, I didn't t know quite how to take it being told that in person. I said thanks shyly, then just smiled averting her gaze. Ah well, it just got me thinking a little. It felt good getting told that though I'm not one to give out compliments. Just never been my thing since if I do, I tend to get all emotional haha. Though I try it here and there with strangers, and I can only hope it was a boost for them in some way. It is for me sometimes, but it doesn't stick. Well, maybe to a point it does since I've come to accept myself just the way I am.

 

Well, got to get back out on the floor. I think eventhough I don't give out compliments as much, the most I can do is love someone. That amounts to something, doesn't it?  Just thinking outloud, parts of this might not make sense to anyone but me.

Soulwax

I feel sleepy right now after not getting home until about 2:00 am after seeing Soulwax perform last night. I didn't think I'd ever dance sober at a club but I did. I was gonna leave around 12:30 since that was when their set was over, but lingered around. And before ya know it, an hour passed. It was sooo worth it, and to imagine I almost didn't go since I was feeling lazy hahaha.

 

Thanks Rob! I would not have known who they were otherwise.

 

 

Nothing in my way...

It's a title of one of Keane's song since I can't come up with one right now. It's not really an uplifting song if you see the words  but the rhythm is just amazing I can't help not to grin when I was listening to it the other day. I had to make my way to a part of DC I've never gone to before to pick up the tickets for a Keane show next month. Did I tell you I'm excited? I found out they were playing here three days after the tickets went on sale and of course, it was all sold out. I found a bunch of folks selling theirs on craigslist though some cost twice as much as it would have been otherwise. It doesn't leave me much choice and after debating over it, I'm still going *grins  Who knows when I'll get a chance to see them again....

 

I had a volunteer work to do again but that wasn't til 7 pm. I just walked around again and sat by the Dupont Circle just watching people pass by, looking at their clothes mostly. Just  getting ideas. Speaking of clothes, why do people go to the gym wearing jeans and leather shoes? That's such an odd thing to see. Ah well, I guess they still go so that counts for something. Last week was a first where I went six days straight so yay. Instead of stopping by the house to get changed, I just put my clothes in the car and go straight to the gym after leaving the train station. Saves me some time I suppose, though I usually just sit and do nothing when I have the time. My ex-military buddies laughed when I told them about 'me' time at one point. It's something I've been doing since I was younger. If I have to go somewhere, I can't just wake up, shower and leave.I usually get up an hour or two before I leave, giving me time to just sit and lay there. Conserving my energy, as I used to tell my mom.

 

The volunteering went fine. It was at the food bank once again, though it was more people than usual so the hour just flew by. We pretty much pick out what they want and bag it for them, so it kinda feels like I'm a shopper for other folks. It is good though I might take a break from doing it since it's in DC and it takes me about an hour to get home once it's done with. It starts at 7, and I get off at 3:30 so really can't go home since the traffic is insane if I do choose to drive on my way to the food bank. One of the guys I ended up talking with on the way back to the train station so that was nice. Oh before the shift started, I went to McDonald's and grabbed a Big Mac Meal though had to rush eating since I had like 10 minutes to finish up. I just overheard a woman and I can't help not to laugh when she told her friend how she stutters when she gets excited. It just put a picture in my head though some folks who might have seen me just thought Why is this kid laughing by himself? Been doing that more in the metro too but that's because of My Name Is Earl. I've downloaded the first season in my iPod and watch it on my 15-min commute. His brother's just hilarious. The things he says....  "Yeah I'm glad she's not dead any more. Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff cuz we're living, we're not dead, we're alive. If we were dead we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do, becuz we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, cuz they're living, and you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, 'cept when you're alive sometimes bad stuff happens too. Like sometimes you can get into a car wreck, or you can have a headache or twist your ankle or even stub your big toe... So being alive is kinda hard too, but I think it's definitely better than being dead..."  It definitely is though at one point...

 

Going back to Monday this week, I'm not sure what happened but this "good feeling" just came over me when I was in the kitchen. I was getting pissed since my roommate didn't do his dishes again. A little after, the feeling was there and the annoyance just went away. I dunno if having gone to the gym might have done that, but I went back to my room smiling and everything. I got close to calling people to say hi but opted not to. Call and tell them I thought about them? Nah, I've cut back doing that. It works two ways but sometimes it's frustrating having to always reach out. I wonder if that's one of my role, doing that just because with no rhyme or reason. But then, it's to my benefit I suppose. I'm the one who feels good having done so.  I just got online and talked to a few folks at least, while having a beer. My friend I was texting told me I was the pissiest guy he knows. I seriously have to use the bathroom every so often when I drink, reason why I don't get drunk too easy. My system flushes it all right out.

 

Aside from that, it's been quiet but good. I spoke to the family few days ago since it was my aunt's birthday. The line was busy so I ended up calling my mom and using up all the damn phone card. Haha, it's all good though. A ten-minute call ended up being an hour long. I was just checking with her to find out a possible date for her to fly. I didn't realize she's only leaving after the one-year anniv of my cousin's death. He was her favorite and she was his. I think about him from time to time and whenever I see his pictures, I can't help not to get sad. He's only 30, but then he kinda brought it upon himself, drinking pretty much everyday. You'd think, with having his mom and dad and a brother and sister, he'd be on a straight path but that wasn't the case. He had everything growing up but things happened and he just gave up on life. He got conned about going abroad few years. I'm not sure what the gist of it was, but I don't know about having that dream, to go abroad. Dunno, maybe I'm taking being "abroad" for granted but eventhough I was mixed American, it wasn't my dream to come here. To an extent maybe, but that was only to meet my dad which as some of you are aware I didn't see 'til I was 16. But before that, I wasn't really wishing to move to the U.S. It'll be brought up sometimes by people, since they wonder why I'm not with my own kind.

 

I just wasn't much of a dreamer, I suppose which can be good and bad. Even my mom, she pretty much dreamed about coming to the U.S. all her life and now it's finally happening. From there, what happens next? It might not sound like it, but I'm glad that that's over. It took two years to get it all taken care of, and she was telling me how people were amazed that I petitioned her in such a young age. Most people wait until they're established in the US before petitioning their parents while I did it as soon as I'm able to. They were getting on my nerves about it so soon as I turned 21, filed in the paperwork. I wanted to get it over with also since ya know, it would gnaw me if I didn't. It's family.. The ones who did abroad did the same and pretty much supported me so my way of showing payback maybe? Way to show them all they did wasn't in vain. They're great, though we don't get along sometimes, well they don't at least haha, I stay out of it all. My mom told me that when things happen, the rest of the family told her not to let me know about it. I still find out though, I have my way with making my mom talk. She tells me that they're scared that I'll get mad, coz it's rare that I do. They know that if that happens, it'll be different from then on. Knowing I have this power over them, tsk tsk. Oh dear, I'm starting to sound evil. Well time to go. Until next time...

I got keaned

Yay, I got ahold of some tickets for Keane's show next month. I am soooo excited. I had to buy two tickets though since the guy won't sell me just one. So now, I gotta find someone to go somewhere only we know....