Wow, sure glad the week's almost over. I'll finally get a day today to just do nothing. Since the week started, I've had some commitments so really looking forward to not do anything, sort of. Well, I can do homework tonight but will see how that goes, knowing my track record.
I still need to write about getting to see Keane in concert the day after Memorial Day. Their show lasted 90 min and it was worth it, even after having to pay pretty much for the concert ticket. That I can write a review about since I know each and every song they played. It was great! You can just feel the good vibe, people singing along to the chorus, even to the slow songs that I thought would be better if no one sang along, completely changed my mind. I think I might have gotten teary-eyed even but it was of bliss, no kidding. All my worries just washed off, just being there in the moment. I oughta try that more often.
I started this post this morning but it got so busy at work. It really gets stressful sometimes but at the same time, it's a type of job where once my shift's over, that is it. No chances of having to stay behind after hours trying to get something finished. It was just a weird day, feeling pissed, then happy, tired, happy, lonely, and now, back to flat at least. This will probably be a mix of sorts that might not make sense to anyone but me.
My mom finally got a date to fly out to the States though of course, instead of making a reservation months ago, she's doing it 2-3 weeks before the actual date. We told her to try to get one on a weekday since it's cheaper but of course, she got one on a weekend. I guess it's kinda good that I didn't make the call after I got her e-mail since it would not have been too pretty. I really don't get angry easy but times when I actually do, I can say some awful things that would sting the other person involved. I asked her to try to get her ticket early since it'll be cheaper. My aunts said they would help out so I dunno, maybe I can ask them to chip in, maybe not. My mom was being apologetic saying how she'll work really hard when she gets to the US, but of course, a part of me is thinking why wait all this time now that you're almost 50. When I speak with her, she kept saying how I won't have anything to worry about when she gets here. I guess at the same time, it is true that I worry but with me petitioning her, it's not even about being closer to her anymore. It's more of getting the family off my back asking when I'm gonna get my mom. They probably didn't mean anything by it, but being asked that when you're 18, 19 it's like leave me alone people, I just want to be young and not have to have responsibilities. That's why I'm jealous sometimes of kids whose main concern are what movies to see, which parties to go to. That's probably why I'm pissed with them, mainly because I wanted to have their life, a much simpler one where things weren't rattled.
There were too many calls coming in so instead of eating at my desk and hearing the damn phones ring, I stepped out for a bit to walk around. I needed to go to the bank which is a few blocks away so did that. It was nice the sun just shining, the weather just perfect to do some walking. On the way back, I stopped by the shoe place to ask how much it'll cost to get my soles replaced. Being flat-footed, only one side of my shoes gets worn down, and with my black ones it's pretty much gone that I'm starting to wear out the wooden part of it. I asked the asian man how much it would cost, taking my shoes off and showing him how bad it was. He said it'll be $10 for each shoe, and I just said ok. When I was putting my shoe back on, he said how he'll only charge me $18. I guess I had a look on my face since he felt the need to tell me why. I didn't ask, but he said You know why I give you discount?, and I just shook my head since I really had no idea. "Because you're a nice person" and he just smiled at me. I smiled back but thinking What the hell was that? since I'm not sure where that came from. I've only dealt with him twice, first was when I came by asking how much it'll cost to put the horse-shoe looking thing on my shoes but got shooed away since he was eating. And the second time was when I came by trying to get heel thingy put on my shoes. This was a week apart and that time I came back , he apologized for telling me to come back that first time.
Just hearing him say that I was a nice person kinda shifted my mood. Seriously when I get stressed with callers and get angry, it lingers for a while and I wonder just where all these anger coming from? Maybe I still have internalized over things though that's always a work in progress. I digress. I guess at the core, people start out a good person but with all the things that happen, it kinda gets pushed in the backburner. They feel the need to be defensive, lashing out at first before anybody gets to them, just all these hate and anger that built up. That's why I think at least. With what the man said, my mood shifted 180 degrees and I just felt happy after that. I walked away stunned, wondering how he could make that assessment after just having encountered me twice. I probably should just take it at face value but knowing me, I'm gonna keep tossing it in my brain wondering what the bleep!?
I walked away and made a call to my dad. It was probably around 0830 over there since it was 1130 when I called. He was in therapy though but I told him that I'm just calling to wish him a happy birthday. He called last night but when I got to the phone, he already had hung up. I called back two hours later but it was my mom that picked up, and I told her that my dad called . She said he called for no reason really, she said he was talking about me earlier so that might be why. I was just waiting 'til today to call him. I didn't realize we haven't spoken since we were in NC, crazy to think it's been a month already. He called last Friday to just check up on me but we just spoke briefly. It's nice that these days, he calls just because. I saw an old e-mail earlier and it made me smile coz in it, he was saying how it was as if I was only six years of age due to time we missed together but what can ya do but move on really. But now, I'm 9 now since he wrote that back in '03.
Happy Birthday Dad! I think he probably knows about me since my brother was saying how my mom and dad aren't stupid. Considering I never talk about girls, and one time he asked me if I liked boys, it took me a bit before responding. Maybe I'm underestimating him, but at the same time, with us working on our relationship I'm worried that it might put a dent on it. He talks about honesty and sticking to the truth but can people really handle the truth sometimes. I'd probably feel a lot better if I just told him but then, it's still a touchy subject this early in the relationship.
My mom's side of the family knows about me, but at the same time, I feel they think it's just a phase. They still ask me when I'd get married and have a family and stuff. They ask when I'm planning to settle down and have kids. Yo, I'm only 23 though before I was hoping I would be doing so come 27 or 28. I wonder about having kids one day, I just don't talk about it with anyone really. Some things you just think of, but don't really feel the need to let out. I laugh it off when they ask me about things like that but I do worry about it. I think I'd make a good dad, I'll make sure to be there for them. With me being gay, I think about how it'll be like for my kid to grow and not having a mom. Granted a mom and a dad isn't the formula for a perfect home, I wonder how I can make it work, if/when I do have a partner. It won't be the same since the circumstances will be quite different but when I think about my childhood, I'm like "Wow, I lived without a father my whole life." I wouldn't want my kids to go through that. I know my dad loves me but I wonder Why weren't you there for me? There's just emptiness I feel sometimes that despite of my mom's and the family's love? I can be around friends and family but yet, this feeling just stays with me. Does not having my dad around really impacted me that much? It's this feeling as if I wasn't loved because I didn't deserve to be. I try not to think about this, but earlier tonight, when it felt like somebody was shunning me, the floodgates just opened. I was walking to the grocery store, and just thought what's the matter with me?
My brother and I had a conversation when I told him about me last summer how if I still would have been gay had I grown up with my dad. I told him, I don't know because to be honest, I really don't, and probably will never know. I really can't pinpoint this or that as a reason, I might have just been born this way. Had the nurturing environment had been different, I'm sure it'll find it's way out sooner or later if this is the real me. I mostly attract older guys and sometimes I wonder if it's fulfilling a silent yearning inside me, for a father I never had. Maybe that's why I haven't been in a relationship yet I wonder? If it's because I'm trying to make up for something else.
And here I am thinking I was just gonna write about how my day went.....
I started this post this morning but it got so busy at work. It really gets stressful sometimes but at the same time, it's a type of job where once my shift's over, that is it. No chances of having to stay behind after hours trying to get something finished. It was just a weird day, feeling pissed, then happy, tired, happy, lonely, and now, back to flat at least. This will probably be a mix of sorts that might not make sense to anyone but me.
My mom finally got a date to fly out to the States though of course, instead of making a reservation months ago, she's doing it 2-3 weeks before the actual date. We told her to try to get one on a weekday since it's cheaper but of course, she got one on a weekend. I guess it's kinda good that I didn't make the call after I got her e-mail since it would not have been too pretty. I really don't get angry easy but times when I actually do, I can say some awful things that would sting the other person involved. I asked her to try to get her ticket early since it'll be cheaper. My aunts said they would help out so I dunno, maybe I can ask them to chip in, maybe not. My mom was being apologetic saying how she'll work really hard when she gets to the US, but of course, a part of me is thinking why wait all this time now that you're almost 50. When I speak with her, she kept saying how I won't have anything to worry about when she gets here. I guess at the same time, it is true that I worry but with me petitioning her, it's not even about being closer to her anymore. It's more of getting the family off my back asking when I'm gonna get my mom. They probably didn't mean anything by it, but being asked that when you're 18, 19 it's like leave me alone people, I just want to be young and not have to have responsibilities. That's why I'm jealous sometimes of kids whose main concern are what movies to see, which parties to go to. That's probably why I'm pissed with them, mainly because I wanted to have their life, a much simpler one where things weren't rattled.
There were too many calls coming in so instead of eating at my desk and hearing the damn phones ring, I stepped out for a bit to walk around. I needed to go to the bank which is a few blocks away so did that. It was nice the sun just shining, the weather just perfect to do some walking. On the way back, I stopped by the shoe place to ask how much it'll cost to get my soles replaced. Being flat-footed, only one side of my shoes gets worn down, and with my black ones it's pretty much gone that I'm starting to wear out the wooden part of it. I asked the asian man how much it would cost, taking my shoes off and showing him how bad it was. He said it'll be $10 for each shoe, and I just said ok. When I was putting my shoe back on, he said how he'll only charge me $18. I guess I had a look on my face since he felt the need to tell me why. I didn't ask, but he said You know why I give you discount?, and I just shook my head since I really had no idea. "Because you're a nice person" and he just smiled at me. I smiled back but thinking What the hell was that? since I'm not sure where that came from. I've only dealt with him twice, first was when I came by asking how much it'll cost to put the horse-shoe looking thing on my shoes but got shooed away since he was eating. And the second time was when I came by trying to get heel thingy put on my shoes. This was a week apart and that time I came back , he apologized for telling me to come back that first time.
Just hearing him say that I was a nice person kinda shifted my mood. Seriously when I get stressed with callers and get angry, it lingers for a while and I wonder just where all these anger coming from? Maybe I still have internalized over things though that's always a work in progress. I digress. I guess at the core, people start out a good person but with all the things that happen, it kinda gets pushed in the backburner. They feel the need to be defensive, lashing out at first before anybody gets to them, just all these hate and anger that built up. That's why I think at least. With what the man said, my mood shifted 180 degrees and I just felt happy after that. I walked away stunned, wondering how he could make that assessment after just having encountered me twice. I probably should just take it at face value but knowing me, I'm gonna keep tossing it in my brain wondering what the bleep!?
I walked away and made a call to my dad. It was probably around 0830 over there since it was 1130 when I called. He was in therapy though but I told him that I'm just calling to wish him a happy birthday. He called last night but when I got to the phone, he already had hung up. I called back two hours later but it was my mom that picked up, and I told her that my dad called . She said he called for no reason really, she said he was talking about me earlier so that might be why. I was just waiting 'til today to call him. I didn't realize we haven't spoken since we were in NC, crazy to think it's been a month already. He called last Friday to just check up on me but we just spoke briefly. It's nice that these days, he calls just because. I saw an old e-mail earlier and it made me smile coz in it, he was saying how it was as if I was only six years of age due to time we missed together but what can ya do but move on really. But now, I'm 9 now since he wrote that back in '03.
Happy Birthday Dad! I think he probably knows about me since my brother was saying how my mom and dad aren't stupid. Considering I never talk about girls, and one time he asked me if I liked boys, it took me a bit before responding. Maybe I'm underestimating him, but at the same time, with us working on our relationship I'm worried that it might put a dent on it. He talks about honesty and sticking to the truth but can people really handle the truth sometimes. I'd probably feel a lot better if I just told him but then, it's still a touchy subject this early in the relationship.
My mom's side of the family knows about me, but at the same time, I feel they think it's just a phase. They still ask me when I'd get married and have a family and stuff. They ask when I'm planning to settle down and have kids. Yo, I'm only 23 though before I was hoping I would be doing so come 27 or 28. I wonder about having kids one day, I just don't talk about it with anyone really. Some things you just think of, but don't really feel the need to let out. I laugh it off when they ask me about things like that but I do worry about it. I think I'd make a good dad, I'll make sure to be there for them. With me being gay, I think about how it'll be like for my kid to grow and not having a mom. Granted a mom and a dad isn't the formula for a perfect home, I wonder how I can make it work, if/when I do have a partner. It won't be the same since the circumstances will be quite different but when I think about my childhood, I'm like "Wow, I lived without a father my whole life." I wouldn't want my kids to go through that. I know my dad loves me but I wonder Why weren't you there for me? There's just emptiness I feel sometimes that despite of my mom's and the family's love? I can be around friends and family but yet, this feeling just stays with me. Does not having my dad around really impacted me that much? It's this feeling as if I wasn't loved because I didn't deserve to be. I try not to think about this, but earlier tonight, when it felt like somebody was shunning me, the floodgates just opened. I was walking to the grocery store, and just thought what's the matter with me?
My brother and I had a conversation when I told him about me last summer how if I still would have been gay had I grown up with my dad. I told him, I don't know because to be honest, I really don't, and probably will never know. I really can't pinpoint this or that as a reason, I might have just been born this way. Had the nurturing environment had been different, I'm sure it'll find it's way out sooner or later if this is the real me. I mostly attract older guys and sometimes I wonder if it's fulfilling a silent yearning inside me, for a father I never had. Maybe that's why I haven't been in a relationship yet I wonder? If it's because I'm trying to make up for something else.
And here I am thinking I was just gonna write about how my day went.....
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