Coming out....

My dad knows now. The way it happened was kinda sudden and I'm still digesting it all. Will write more about it soon....Now I am.

Friday night, my mom (step) called me back since we didn't get to speak a few days prior when I called her. We spoke about the usual, school, work etc, and we got to the part about my visit this summer . June 7 will be my dad's birthday, and on that same day, my brother will be graduating from high school as well. I've known about this for a looong time so it was definite that I'm gonna be coming. We got to talking about where I'm gonna stay and since she mentioned a few other family members are going, I told her I might just stay at a hotel since my friend wants to come also, that friend being C-. We just talked more about the possibilities of staying at the house, or if not where would be a good area to get a hotel, etc. So throughout the talk, my mom knew that I'll be taking a guy friend with me. She knows I'm gay actually. They, being my brother and her, got into a conversation about it one time and somehow it came up and by brother told her that I was. My brother has known about it for years when I admitted to it back in 06 during the family reunion.

Three hours later as I was about to sleep, the phone rang and when I glanced over, saw that it was my dad. Figured I'll just pick up since we really don't stay that long on the phone. He just wanted to confirm since per what my mom told him, I was gonna be bringing a friend over, except that she left out that it was a guy. He asked me, What's her name? I said, Ummm, it's not a girl.. Kris, that doesn't make sense? You're bringing a friend over and it's not a girl? I tried to brush it off by saying that technically, I wasn't really bringing my friend home. He's never been to Cali and thought it'll be nice to visit. Seconds later, the question 'Are you straight?' came up. This whole time, I've said yes eventhough I knew that wasn't the truth.

But that night, something just shifted and I just kept silent which usually means a yes, does it not? He'd ask, and I wouldn't answer and he'd go Kris!!?? 'Yea, I'm here" Are you straight!? Silence...This went on three more times before the question changed. Are you gay? (nicer way than what he said) Silence... Kris!! Yep? Are you gay!? Silence... Kris!! Yep? I'm here.. Are you gay? I wasn't gonna say yes since I didn't like the word he used, so I replied 'What if I am?' I waited for his response and he told me he's just gonna go since he don't feel like talking anymore and hanged up. I sat there in the bed stunned, trying to wrap my head around what just happened.

I couldn't even cry. I was in shock. C- eventually came by my side since he overheard parts of the conversation. All I could utter was that I guess he finally knows.. Thirty minutes later, I ended up sending a text: Dad, I really don't know how else to tell you but yea, I'm gay. Sorry for having to tell you in a text but it'll do for now... Kris

Next day was a bit awful. C- had to go to work, and initially I thought I was fine. But I just had this antsy feeling that stayed with me. And when I was taking a shower, that's when it hit me. I thought I was really over with the people-pleasing but I realized that wasn't the case. I realized that I can't be completely be honest when I'm hiding who I was. He's always told me to always tell the truth, and be honest but how I can do that with everybody if I can't even do it with the person who tells me to do so. So in essence, I've lied. I've told only half-truths and left out bits and pieces since I thought it would upset people. I've told lies to protect others when i thought that they can't handle the truth. I guess I just got tired of it, having to hide the real person that I am. I'm aware that sometimes I have to do so to protect myself but with loved ones, it just felt that it didn't have to be that way. The whole side my mom's family knows and do they care, thankfully they don't. Though I'm aware that sometimes they think it's a loss since I won't be able to have kids and lead a normal life, but then what's normal these days?

One uncle that's religious, I was surprised that he took it pretty well. It just doesn't come up when I talk to him but I know that he knows, yet loves me the same. But then, how could he have not? What 13-yr old sings and dances to the Spice Girls around his family!? Certainly not I!! Haha. My cousin told me that she already knew since I came out of my mom's vajayjay. Silly girl. But really though, people have known since I was a kid. I used to think, Shit, how the fuck did they know!? There's this saying that went If one person calls you a horse, don't pay them too much mind. If two people calls you one, you better start paying attention. If three or more does, go look at a mirror and see if you do have hay hanging out of your mouth!

It's been a few days since that talk and I've yet to hear back from him. Am I scared? Yes, I worry that this will be the end of a relationship we started building on this past 6-7 years. Does that make me sad? Oh definitely it does. Eventhough he's never really been around, I do love my dad. I think it's silly how I can love someone that I've barely been around with in my 24 years of existence. I wish I don't love him but I do and I can't help it. I guess if he chose not to talk to me again, it'll be a loss on but what can I do? I'll have to honor his choice if that's what he wants. I just hope I don't focus on not getting love from him and not realize the love that's been all around me.

In a sense, I'm thankful that despite of him not being around, god or whatever you'd want to call it made sure I have other people to love and to love me back. Not because I'm special but simply just because. I'd like to think that I'm a good person in general and being gay doesn't make me a bad person. I'm mostly telling myself this as a reassurance, that being completely honest for a start wouldn't end this relationship I have with my father. If it did, oh well what can I do but move on as much as it would hurt me. I guess I'll always have the memories and at least some pictures to keep, to remind me that my father did love me in the only way he knew how...