The past few weeks

Ok, I really haven't updated since last month. I've posted but it really didn't tell much since I've posted mostly songs or clips. As I've mentioned in an entry in July, my mom moved here to the DC area. I think I jinxed it when I said life was falling right into place, since it sorta turned into shit days after and it's just getting back to normal.

I really won't touch up on it since sometimes I wonder how it just went downhill days after I wrote that last post. It's been crazy but whether I see it as good or bad wouldn't matter since things happen.

It has been a mix really. I've been happy, sad, angry, confused and felt lost but I'm managing okay now. Things just got the best of me. Having to balance with my mom being here, and with the bf, it just felt like I had nowhere to go.

Mom's adjusting more now though and I think she's starting to accept that things won't be like they used to be. She came here thinking it'll just be like in Japan where we lived together and all. It's mostly fear though. When we talked about it one time, she was just saying that what she has feared the most is happening. That I'm gonna have someone else and not love her but I told her that it wasn't the case.
Even the family had a talk to her though how before, she was in the Philippines, she wanted to come to the US. Then she got to Florida, she wanted to be in VA closer to me. And now that she's here, she's not happy since we're not living together.

I'd have to say she's making strides though. She's been meeting people from groceries, stores and such. She'd spot a Filipino and end up chatting with them, and all. One time I talked to her, she made a snide comment how the couple she knew and her are in the same boat, abandoned by their child. I just had to bite my tongue and not say anything since I try to do good by her and she would say such things. I know she felt abandoned by the way things were when she came but I told her from the git go that it's different now.

Ok, Cs- and her have gotten along okay, and on my birthday I saw that my mom made effort to be cheery throughout. She's a fun woman to be around with, but when she whines I tend to forget the things I love about her and just makes me want to get away from her.

The bf and I have had rough spots as well. It felt like we've lived a lifetime already. I still have things I'm dealing with internally but I'm trying my best to be a good bf. Now though that love is standing in front of me, all these doubts and insecurities I have about myself creeps in sometimes. What is there to love about me? Why would someone want to be with me? Those kind of questions.

The weekend was good. Friday afternoon, I got an e-mail from a friend, Deb inviting me to her birthday. I've only hang out with her once so we really don't know too much about each other. It was great though, we went to Cap City Brewing Co and had a bite to eat and some drinks. I ended up giving her The Reader. I thought it was a really good book, and in an e-mail once she mentioned that we have the same taste with movies and books so kinda took a chance on this one but am glad she's loved it, per her e-mail. I met a few of her friends as well, her bf and even her brother. I spoke with her bro for a bit and we touched on music, school, amongst other things. The talk with him made me reconsider my options once again.

Before meeting up with Deb, the bf and I actually saw The Ten. It only came out in selected theaters and that movie is a riot! They made short stories for each of the Ten Commandments, and it was hysterical. It involved naked men, puppets, the lying rhino and even Jesus, or should I say Hesus. After the dinner and drinking with Deb, I met up with the bf and our friend and just went dancing for a bit at this club called Aqua. It was fun, I had a few drinks and just danced to a few songs. The drinks didn't get me drunk much, bummer hahaha !

Gotta do work but will come back for more later. Wow, it felt good to write again!

Oh really.....

Your past life diagnosis:
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I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern South India around the year 1075. Your profession was that of a digger, undertaker.
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Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Person with huge energy, good in planning and supervising. If you were just garbage-man, you were chief garbage-man.
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The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
You are bound to learn to understand other people and to meet all difficulties of life with a joyful heart. You should help others by bringing them a spirit of joy.
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Do you remember now?

You Hoboken

How can I have missed this on TV...

It's De talking

Sooner or later, I have a feeling I will be found out by family and friends. I've been debating whether to change how I go about going things as far as what I write about, but decided I'll stick to what prompted me to write this blog.


I know it might come off odd since I'm a quiet guy in person and doesn't like talking about my feelings, yet turn right around and pour it all out in my posts. It's one of those things that I know that may not make sense, and yet I won't be able to explain either if you ask me in real life. Because we have face-to-face contact, some of the things I write in here may be surprising but I hope you won't get slighted in any way. Please realize that I'm not going to tell you every little thing running through my head and be understanding about it. It's not because I don't trust you or don't want to open up to you, but there's just some things I'd rather write about to get them off of my chest. I'm just not really used to talking about it things, and blogging is my way of letting things go, so to speak. I know it seems that I carry all this pain but I think it's quite the contrary if you know me in person. I try my best to bring a little sunshine to other people's lives, whether it be a smile or a simple act of kindness. It keeps me in check, and it's my way of paying back all the strangers that has helped me along this thing called life.

I get depressed sometimes... I feel sad, lonely and hurt like everybody does. Just because I write these feelings down doesn't mean I carry them with me all day and let it eat me up (which kinda happened these past few weeks). Writing about things has helped me cope, I realized after starting this two years ago. And seeing feedback from others who have gone through some things I'm going through makes me feel better. All I ask if that you respect what I've written here as my way of venting and not use it against me by throwring it in my face or belittle my feelings.

I'll always be a work in progress, and this is a way for me to keep myself in check and to learn from things even. It helps me to remember where I've been and what I've gone through.

I feel like shit and trying not to dwell on it

Smiling makes you feel better about yourself, even if you don't feel like it - Lauraine Snelling

And through the tears, we'll smile when we recall, we had it all for just a moment. - St. Elmo's Fire

No smile is as beautiful as the one that struggles through the tears. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. - Sarah Ackerman

A smile is a light in the window of the soul, indicating that the heart is at home.

Smile, it's the second best thing one can do with one's lips.

Brighten the world with your smile.

A smile costs nothing, but gives much.

A smile is a little curve that sets a lot of things straight.

Smiles are free: don't save them.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you've been up to.

What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity - Joseph Addison

A smile can open a heart faster than a key can open a door.

Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

A smile confuses an approaching frown.~Author Unknown

People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile.~Lee Mildon

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.~Phyllis Diller

The world always looks brighter from behind a smile.~Author Unknown

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.~W.C. Fields

Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available.~Jim Beggs

A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.~Charles Gordy

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.~Andy Rooney

If you smile at someone, they might smile back.~Author Unknown

Everyone smiles in the same language.~Author Unknown

If you don't have a smile, I'll give you one of mine.~Author Unknown

I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful.~Author Unknown

A laugh is a smile that bursts.~Mary H. Waldrip

Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.~Mother Teresa
A friendly look, a kindly smile, one good act, and life's worthwhile. ~Author Unknown

A kind heart is a fountain of gladness, making everything in its vicinity freshen into smiles.~Washington Irving

A smile is the universal welcome.~Max Eastman

Keep smiling - it makes people wonder what you've been up to.~Author Unknown

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important. ~Janet Lane

All the statistics in the world can't measure the warmth of a smile. ~Chris Hart

If you would like to spoil the day for a grouch, give him a smile. ~Author Unknown

A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it.~Author Unknown

The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart." - St. Jerome

I hope I won't have to hung my head

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

You are my Sunshine
Sung by Norman Blake
Right-click and "save as"

I have yet to completely watch the movie O Brother, Where Art Thou? yet has the soundtrack for it. I think most people know the chorus at least, even I, but I never realized it was a sad song until hearing the full version. When I learn to play the guitar, this will be one I'd wannabe able to play.

Life....

(Started this yesterday afternoon) I asked the boss if I could leave early yesterday since the Comcast tech was coming by the apartment. They called me around 1:30, letting me know they'll be arriving within the next hour. It's almost 4 now and I have yet to hear back from them. It's been weeks since I've written, and I actually missed just being able to sit down and write. Things have been good for the most part so that might play a role too as to why I haven't been writing much. That, and I really haven't been alone lately, spending most of my time with Cs. It's been great with him, we just spend most of the time together. Watching DVD's, dinner, just laying in bed and talking. Some of you guys who I've chatted with know more than what I'm writing and maybe I'll keep just mum about it. Let's just say, I'm so much in a better place than I was before having met him :) I catch myself smiling even when I'm having a rough day at work knowing that Cs- is there for me. Such a really sweet guy that some of the things he says just makes me cry. I'm still working on trying to be more vocal about my feelings, but I told him that I hope he can still sense what I feel for him even if I don't say it outloud. He does, and this man (or am I still a boy?) is smiling because the boy I <3 makes him happy. I wish I would have written more on a day to day account but that might be a little too much.

Even my mom knows about Cs- as well. She in turn told my other aunt, and my aunt told my other aunt, and now the whole mom's side of the family knows about him already. Tita Akang, the aunt in Denmark, even spoke to him on the phone and welcomed him to the family. Cs said he was really touched hearing that. I was a bit surprised my aunt said that, but I'm glad they're welcoming Cs- with open arms. After the convo, Cs- jokingly said we're in this for the long run. That was this past Sunday when I called my aunt when we were going to Ikea in College Park. During the ride, I was on the phone most of the time with my tita. She was just going on about how happy she was I'm with someone, etc. I think even my Grandma knows, and to think it hasn't even been a month since I met Cs. During our conversation, my granda got brought up which as some of you knows passed away last summer. The relationship was just meh, we really weren't close to each other.

My tita said that our house help Aileen actually mentioned about the relationship. She told my aunt that before my grandpa's condition got worse, he was talking about a grandson he was really proud of. He told Aileen that it didn't matter to him to him that I was gay, he could care less about that. He said that he was really proud of me but didn't show it since he was worried that my other cousins would get jealous. And there I was, believing that my grandpa didn't care much. Just hearing her tell me this made me cry which is kinda odd. Normally, when my family says that they're proud of me, I sit there thinking "and what good does that do me?" It's not that I go around doing things trying to make them proud, I just do what I do.

I got to thinking about things yesterday, and how I felt unloved by my grandpa. But then, when I thought about how he took us in after my dad left. He provided food on the table, roof over our head and even spending money. Eventhough I've never really sat down with him, learning about things he went through, or hearing about his life, or some wisdom he can impart but then I didn't do that with the family, not even with my mom, I don't think. I mostly learned just by observing and keeping notes in my head on how to be and not to be. My grandpa never uttered the words I love you, but I guess the things he did was his way of saying that. We get so busy trying to illicit those three words sometimes that we miss out on the love that's already there. He used to drink a lot and get really verbally abusive, and sometimes even physically, well mostly my mom. Maybe seeing my mom's situation pained him, her being an unwed mother with a foreign child. I really can't say why. But when my dad finally got my citizenship all set up, and I could move to the US, my granddad was really happy. He even told me a little prayer to say on my very first flight to the states. Maybe he just wanted a better future for me, and he felt I can only accomplish that back in my homeland. It's funny when I think about it, how eventhough I'm mixed, they felt the US is where I really belonged, guess it has to do with my looks. Regardless, I'm just realizing that I did love my grandpa. It doesn't mean I accepted or condoned his mistreatment, or that I excused his faults and frailties. But loving is seeing them, accepting them, and loving them despite the things you might not like about them. I have faults of my own, so I'm glad people love me despite of it.

Aside from that, my mom will be flying in to DC this Saturday. I wouldn't say for good coz it might be for her, but not for me haha. I won't elaborate as to the reasons but things aren't really working out for her in Florida. It's annoying a little when she keeps saying how she should be with me, and not living with my aunt and uncle. I'd say Ummm, Noooo, get over with. But yet, she'll still be coming. It'll be better since she'll be able to get around even without a car. And I guess, now I won't have to worry about food since she can just cook for me and Cs-. I was joking with Cs- and asking him if he's sure he's in for the drama that is family, but he said he is, so this fella's for keeps. He offered to help get my mom situated, going with her to try to find her a job amongst other things. She's just gonna be staying at the old apartment I was staying. I've told one of the roommates and she's okay with it, though I have yet to talk to the other one. I'll have my mom stay at Virginia while I stay in DC so that should be enough of a buffer. I'll get to eat home-cooked meals again, yum yum. I'm just in denial that it'll be fine when she gets here. We'll get to take pictures, check out the sites in DC. Then later on once she gets situated, the rest of the fam from Norway and Denmark would all visit. How awesome is that! Cs- and I might even go to Denmark next year, crazy but my tita has my uncle looking up ticket prices next year for me and Cs-. I'm just amazed how everything fell right into place since I met him.

That's just about all that's going on. Gotta head out on the floor....