Came across this song after I got a free CD from a bookstore that just opened
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
All About My Mother
I stayed in this weekend for a change after having gone out the previous weekend. My friend P- called me to see if I wanted to go to Chaos for a little bit but I'm not in the zone so told him I'm just doing some chores for the evening. I'd still have to go eventually since there are still some places I want to check out, JR's and Apex. P- told me though that I probably wouldn't want to go to Apex by myself since it's real loud but guess will just see when the time comes, maybe this Friday night?
It's weird how now I think about what I did Friday night and can vaguely remember it. I might have watched Paranoia Agent, or When Harry Met Sally but the disc started skipping so ended up just stopping the movie which kinda sucked. You get into it, and 20-30 mins into the movie, you have no choice but to put it off since I would have missed a good portion if the movie if I would jumped to a few chapters. I've never seen the movie in its entirety before but yessss! oh yesss! I've seen what scene the movie is known for.
C- texted close to 2 am telling me to "Come to Chaos!" like I would do that, drive out 20 mins then the club closes at 3. I suppose I could have gone seen him but it's annoying how I texted the day before asking what his plans were and he didn't respond whatsoever. Oh well, it's not like I'm his boyfriend so he's free to do what pleases him, and choose to get in contact with me or not. I pretty much wanted to see Reno 911 but didn't have anybody to go with soo yea, I think that's what bummed me out a little.
I slept in Saturday and woke up around 1030. Did I go to the gym!? Of course not..The time it took me to get out of bed, I could have gone and back but it was one of those days where I kinda wanted to what I wanted, and not what I'm supposed to, per say. I'm not really supposed to anything but that's not how life works sometimes. I got out of bed around noon, and ended up buying some phone cards online so I can call my mom. Well, I bought two cards, one for my mom and one to call my aunt who's probably a bit upset with me. She called me during work hours, and I was stressing out at work and probably shouldn't have picked up my phone, but answer away I did. It was her, and after the usual hi, how you doing? she passed it on to my 5-yr old cousin which some of you had seen when I posted her picture a while ago. Err, we really can't talk to each other much since she speaks Danish and I only know to speak Tagalog and English. After she told me how she was, I didn't know what else to say so I was just quiet on the line. Half a minute or so, you just hear someone crying and my aunt was back on the phone saying that my cousin cried since Kuya Dee (Kuya = older brother) didn't want to talk to her. Great. I told my Aunt that I'll just give her a call over the weekend which I intended to do.
I digress. I called my mom eventhough I knew it was past midnight in the Philippines already. She's house-sitting in Laguna since my grandma's left for Norway in the time being trying to get some matters taken care of before she goes back to the Phil again. My mom picked up which I was kinda glad about, since she said she was just listening to the radio. It was nice getting to talk to her again. Mainly what I was calling about was about her pending immigration to the U.S. I was checking if she's made an appointment with the hospital to get her physical done and some shots. She said that the Embassy will be the ones who'll set that all up as far as what day to go to the doctor, etc. I'm relieved it's almost done since it's been two years since we submitted the paperwork.
From then on, it just kinda stemmed out into other things. We got to talking about where she's gonna stay and such. I told her that it'll be better for her to just go to Florida and stay with my aunt while she's getting aclimated with the new country she's gonna be living in. I think my aunt would prefer that as well, since she really doesn't have any other family nearby, well my uncle's family's maybe two states away but it's still not the same. My aunt, who didn't set foot in Manila until after having been gone for 15 years. I don't think I could go that long without seeing my family. I tell them that heh, I'll see you when i see you but they know better than to believe that I guess. I'm a family man by heart. You see, we're all spread out in the world. Have two aunts that live in Europe, one in Florida, and my mom and the rest of the family back in the Philippines. My dad's side of the family doesn't count since they're virtually unknown to me until about a year or so ago. Having grown up surrounded by maybe 15 people, then dwindling down to about 4, then living all by myself was a major adjustment I had to do. Boy, was it rough! Not getting the much needed hugs and kisses from the family.
Getting back to my mother, she was talking about us living together once she comes here. I jokingly told her that that's just not gonna happen. I know it sounded harsh but we kinda were in the same situation back in 2005 when I was living in Japan. It was my last year there after being stationed at the base with the Air Force. I had my mom come to Japan since that way, she can come to the US with me, without having to wait years for the petition papers. She got there around February and was gonna live there until December during which I'm getting sent back to the States, as to where, I didn't know at that time. It was great, ya know. It's finally happening, this is it!
In one of my older posts, I've talked about how it was like for me growing up. With moving to the US, it was a ticket out for a better future for myself. However, at that time I came here, it wasn't even about that. All I really cared about was to meet my dad and nothing else which I think to a certain extent limited my dreams. After that happened, I just didn't know where to go from there. I really didn't envision living in the US, prior to that, I remember talking with my friends about us living together when we go to college. Moving to the states was just a notion that was distant from me. I've sorta accepted my fate, as much as I was questioning God, and life in general, there was nothing else I could have done. Thinking how the world would have been better off without me. My mom would have gone to Japan like she said she was going to before having met my dad, she would have had a good life etc. I know she loves me and all but hearing that growing up, I can't help not to feel responsible for all the things that happened....good and mostly the bad stuff.
We ended up living with her parents until I was about 14. In exchange of living with them, she did mostly all the household chores, cleaning, cooking, amongst other things. Well my grandad that passed away was a merchant marchine and eventually got a Norwegian citizenship. Through that, my youngest aunt and my grandma got to move there after he retired. He went back to the Philippines, and my mom was much pretty much acting grandma at that time. She fulfilled my grandma's duties. Well not all, PERV! In exchange of that, we stayed at their house and they pretty much supported us, roof over our head, clothing, and food, something my father was supposed to provide, not even for us, but for me at least. The financial support pretty much stopped after he got out of the Navy which was 1987, four years after I was born. During that time, I was in either kindergarten or nursery, I always forget which comes first. Ok, this is something I was let on way later. After my class, I remember me and my mom usually going to a church nearby the school. Ok, she told me that the reason that we went there was that so we wouldn't spend that much time in the house. Thing is some of the family is ashamed of her for having a son out of wedlock, let alone with a foreigner. I'm glad to an extent that I knew who my father was, coz there were some amerasian kids who didn't know their father at all. All their mom knew was the guy's first name and nothing else. My parents did live together and what not, so I can say that there was love between them. I've heard the stories and seen the pictures.
My dad and my stepmom visited around 1986 and that was pretty much the last I saw of him. Of course, just being two I don't remember any of it though funny thing is, my very first memory was with my dad at a swimming pool. They told me it was some resort around where the Navy base was that they, my mom and my aunts, met up with my dad and stepmom. After that visit, that was pretty much the last of it as far as seeing my dad. Can you see why I wanted nothing more?
Growing up, I've seen first hand the abuse my mom went through. For the life of me, I can't fathom why she just didn't up and left my grandparent's house and start over some place else. Well mostly verbal abuse from my uncle and grandpa, and a slap here and there, or a punch in the face. It was directed at my mom, they never touched me and I remember just sitting there, and thinking Why are they doing this to her? Of course, I was a child and I could not have done anything. This usually happened when those two men got drunk, they'd barge in the house 2, 3 in the morning just screaming. I think that's why I'm too jumpy up to this day. At times, we'd sneak out of the back door and head over to a neighbor's house or to a nearby relatives'. Then, tip toeing around 6 in the morning so I can get ready for school. I can laugh about it but now, but I remember us getting chased down in the street, and taking refuge in a neighbor's house. They are one of our close friends few doors down, and me and my mom would be hiding behind the front door while the lady talks to my drunken grandfather telling him to let the mother and child be. This went on 'til I was about 14 when we finally moved out and got our own place but this was something to due to a different family drama. Pretty much those other times, we'd stay at a relatives' for a little while, then my mom decides to come back. One time, we finally got a place. Granted it was like 3 blocks away from the house it was our own. The conditions weren't the greatest, okay it was about 10' by 11' room which didn't have any windows whatsoever except for a square opening that really doesn't give you any view. When you peek out of it, all you can see is a canal between two houses, with rats! Hahaha, some even bigger than a kitten. Being a kid, I just laughed and got excited seeing them. Right above us, there were maybe three prostitutes that lived in that room. That's a harsh word, but they were really good people. Way I'd make money is I'd get them some bath water and they'd give me some change. Nice. This didn't last long either. My grandma went home from Norway, and after they had their talks and such, my mom and I went back to live at their house again.
If you would have passed me by, you wouldn't even know that all of these were happening. Keeping it all in, not having anybody to talk to. I questioned the existence of God (being raised Catholic). Asking him, why'd my life have to be this difficult? Why can't it be like the other's? Something simple. A home with a mother and a father, is that too much to ask? A dad who would have cared enough to visit? One can't help not to feel angry sometimes. I didn't lash out on the world. I didn't take this out on anybody, I internalized it all in, I think a little bit too much. I didn't act out and failed my classes, didn't resort to drinking or any sort of substance abuse. I did great in school, earning honors and awards, being part of quiz bee's and the school newspaper, being part of the dance company and even the junior police. To be honest, I'm not really sure who I did all those for. Maybe for my dad, getting him to acknowledge me and be told that I'm proud. Or maybe to show my family and to the other people that I did good for a fatherless child. Maybe for my mom, to show that her sacrifices weren't in vain. Or maybe I did it just because, no rhyme or reason. I'm not one who seeks out competition so that can't be 'competetiveness' either. I really could care less who the number one is.
When we talk about this, my mom would say how she's really glad I was understanding about all of these. I knew my place in the world, and I really wasn't demanding either. I knew what I can or can't have so just kept my mouth shut since I know I can't have it anyways even if I would have asked so I just didn't. Like she told me, be grateful for what you get. Through her, I saw that you can't make anyone responsible for what you want.
After having left the Philippines, I did two years of high school and joined the military two months after graduation. At that time, it felt like it was the right thing to do. There were different motivations as to why I did. One was to be able to help my mom out. During that time, that was really my main motivation, was to better her life. I wasn't even thinking of me. When I think back, I find it kinda odd that I was really afraid about life after high school, I joined the military instead of going to school. Guess I wanted to make money and send her some which was back then felt like the right thing to do. At first I didn't mind, but sometimes I can't help not to think how I'm a single guy, and I don't get to keep my paycheck to myself.
During these time, living alone in a foreign land, all these supressed emotions and questions crept in on me. Just being there in my room, alone in my thoughts got to be too overwhelming at times. I coped the best I could, though it probably wasn't the best way in some instances. At the time, it felt like it was the right thing to do however. I had to sort through this alone, finding the answers I need to find.
I got to hear my dad's side of the story as well. I don't even remember what his responses were, but it seemed silly sometimes. He never visited since he doesn't like to fly. I thought that was dumb, if I had a son somewhere, I sure as hell would do everything I could to see him. Or write him a letter or call him. Something to cling on to when the life gets to be too much to take. Being that far away, that's all I could really have. It's not enough to hear one say I love you, but never backing that claim up. I needed to feel it, enough to where I could believe it. Not to be left wondering whether I'm that unloveable. Of course, now I realize that that isn't true. I had love all around me but I got too busy trying to illicit those words from my dad, that I made him proud.
He and my mom actually had an agreement that I was gonna come live with him in the US when I turn six years old. My mom changed her mind since she got scared that she might not see me again. She kept me. My dad, he told me he didn't want to go and take me away from her since he didn't want me to hate him because of it. Sometimes, I get angry about all this. How different my life could have been!? Maybe a bit easier? Seeing my brother, I can't help not to wonder hey that could have been me. Going to school, taking piano lessons. I'm just jealous sometimes.
With my mom living in Japan with me, the military got us an apartment and everything. Air force is good. She got on my nerves though about her constant complaining. Food here sucks, it's too cold, I'm not eating that. It just got to me, so she ended up just going back to the Philippines. During this time, what pained me was it made me question about my decision joining the military in the first place. Her and the family won't shut up about petitioning her, and when I did, that's how she acted!? I was one angry airman. After that, it didn't feel good about helping them anymore. It felt like a burden when I know it shouldn't be. I just hated it, I'm single yet it feels like I'm married.
She complains and complains about the condition in the Philippines, but I sit there thinking, what if I didn't petition you? What then? What's gonna happen to you? It's nice to dream about going to the US, but I don't think one should just wait around for that day to happen and not do anything else. I can't help not to feel like I'm just a ticket for a better life abroad. I love her and all but still...
After this whole Japan incident, I just don't see my mom in the same light any longer. I realized that she's the one responsible for the life she had. She would say that she did it all for me which to an extent is really true. I am grateful, but with hearing that, it worries me sometimes that I'll do things out of guilt rather than love. During our conversation, she's making all these plans with me in it. I kept telling her Think about you and your husband, 'ma. I try to make her see that I'm out of the picture in a sense, that we can't go back to the days where the three of us are living in the same roof. I told her I love you, but I just don't see it happening. Please understand that I'm my own person now and things aren't like they used to. I was getting choked up since it made me want to go back to those days when all I needed was her love and believe when she says Everything's gonna be alright.
She's a great person, she gives love freely without expecting anything in return, she remembers all the important dates, she has keepsakes for special occasions. I don't think I give her enough credit sometimes, usually calling her crazy which she is. But hey, if it wasn't for crazy, here I wouldn't be.
It's weird how now I think about what I did Friday night and can vaguely remember it. I might have watched Paranoia Agent, or When Harry Met Sally but the disc started skipping so ended up just stopping the movie which kinda sucked. You get into it, and 20-30 mins into the movie, you have no choice but to put it off since I would have missed a good portion if the movie if I would jumped to a few chapters. I've never seen the movie in its entirety before but yessss! oh yesss! I've seen what scene the movie is known for.
C- texted close to 2 am telling me to "Come to Chaos!" like I would do that, drive out 20 mins then the club closes at 3. I suppose I could have gone seen him but it's annoying how I texted the day before asking what his plans were and he didn't respond whatsoever. Oh well, it's not like I'm his boyfriend so he's free to do what pleases him, and choose to get in contact with me or not. I pretty much wanted to see Reno 911 but didn't have anybody to go with soo yea, I think that's what bummed me out a little.
I slept in Saturday and woke up around 1030. Did I go to the gym!? Of course not..The time it took me to get out of bed, I could have gone and back but it was one of those days where I kinda wanted to what I wanted, and not what I'm supposed to, per say. I'm not really supposed to anything but that's not how life works sometimes. I got out of bed around noon, and ended up buying some phone cards online so I can call my mom. Well, I bought two cards, one for my mom and one to call my aunt who's probably a bit upset with me. She called me during work hours, and I was stressing out at work and probably shouldn't have picked up my phone, but answer away I did. It was her, and after the usual hi, how you doing? she passed it on to my 5-yr old cousin which some of you had seen when I posted her picture a while ago. Err, we really can't talk to each other much since she speaks Danish and I only know to speak Tagalog and English. After she told me how she was, I didn't know what else to say so I was just quiet on the line. Half a minute or so, you just hear someone crying and my aunt was back on the phone saying that my cousin cried since Kuya Dee (Kuya = older brother) didn't want to talk to her. Great. I told my Aunt that I'll just give her a call over the weekend which I intended to do.
I digress. I called my mom eventhough I knew it was past midnight in the Philippines already. She's house-sitting in Laguna since my grandma's left for Norway in the time being trying to get some matters taken care of before she goes back to the Phil again. My mom picked up which I was kinda glad about, since she said she was just listening to the radio. It was nice getting to talk to her again. Mainly what I was calling about was about her pending immigration to the U.S. I was checking if she's made an appointment with the hospital to get her physical done and some shots. She said that the Embassy will be the ones who'll set that all up as far as what day to go to the doctor, etc. I'm relieved it's almost done since it's been two years since we submitted the paperwork.
From then on, it just kinda stemmed out into other things. We got to talking about where she's gonna stay and such. I told her that it'll be better for her to just go to Florida and stay with my aunt while she's getting aclimated with the new country she's gonna be living in. I think my aunt would prefer that as well, since she really doesn't have any other family nearby, well my uncle's family's maybe two states away but it's still not the same. My aunt, who didn't set foot in Manila until after having been gone for 15 years. I don't think I could go that long without seeing my family. I tell them that heh, I'll see you when i see you but they know better than to believe that I guess. I'm a family man by heart. You see, we're all spread out in the world. Have two aunts that live in Europe, one in Florida, and my mom and the rest of the family back in the Philippines. My dad's side of the family doesn't count since they're virtually unknown to me until about a year or so ago. Having grown up surrounded by maybe 15 people, then dwindling down to about 4, then living all by myself was a major adjustment I had to do. Boy, was it rough! Not getting the much needed hugs and kisses from the family.
Getting back to my mother, she was talking about us living together once she comes here. I jokingly told her that that's just not gonna happen. I know it sounded harsh but we kinda were in the same situation back in 2005 when I was living in Japan. It was my last year there after being stationed at the base with the Air Force. I had my mom come to Japan since that way, she can come to the US with me, without having to wait years for the petition papers. She got there around February and was gonna live there until December during which I'm getting sent back to the States, as to where, I didn't know at that time. It was great, ya know. It's finally happening, this is it!
In one of my older posts, I've talked about how it was like for me growing up. With moving to the US, it was a ticket out for a better future for myself. However, at that time I came here, it wasn't even about that. All I really cared about was to meet my dad and nothing else which I think to a certain extent limited my dreams. After that happened, I just didn't know where to go from there. I really didn't envision living in the US, prior to that, I remember talking with my friends about us living together when we go to college. Moving to the states was just a notion that was distant from me. I've sorta accepted my fate, as much as I was questioning God, and life in general, there was nothing else I could have done. Thinking how the world would have been better off without me. My mom would have gone to Japan like she said she was going to before having met my dad, she would have had a good life etc. I know she loves me and all but hearing that growing up, I can't help not to feel responsible for all the things that happened....good and mostly the bad stuff.
We ended up living with her parents until I was about 14. In exchange of living with them, she did mostly all the household chores, cleaning, cooking, amongst other things. Well my grandad that passed away was a merchant marchine and eventually got a Norwegian citizenship. Through that, my youngest aunt and my grandma got to move there after he retired. He went back to the Philippines, and my mom was much pretty much acting grandma at that time. She fulfilled my grandma's duties. Well not all, PERV! In exchange of that, we stayed at their house and they pretty much supported us, roof over our head, clothing, and food, something my father was supposed to provide, not even for us, but for me at least. The financial support pretty much stopped after he got out of the Navy which was 1987, four years after I was born. During that time, I was in either kindergarten or nursery, I always forget which comes first. Ok, this is something I was let on way later. After my class, I remember me and my mom usually going to a church nearby the school. Ok, she told me that the reason that we went there was that so we wouldn't spend that much time in the house. Thing is some of the family is ashamed of her for having a son out of wedlock, let alone with a foreigner. I'm glad to an extent that I knew who my father was, coz there were some amerasian kids who didn't know their father at all. All their mom knew was the guy's first name and nothing else. My parents did live together and what not, so I can say that there was love between them. I've heard the stories and seen the pictures.
My dad and my stepmom visited around 1986 and that was pretty much the last I saw of him. Of course, just being two I don't remember any of it though funny thing is, my very first memory was with my dad at a swimming pool. They told me it was some resort around where the Navy base was that they, my mom and my aunts, met up with my dad and stepmom. After that visit, that was pretty much the last of it as far as seeing my dad. Can you see why I wanted nothing more?
Growing up, I've seen first hand the abuse my mom went through. For the life of me, I can't fathom why she just didn't up and left my grandparent's house and start over some place else. Well mostly verbal abuse from my uncle and grandpa, and a slap here and there, or a punch in the face. It was directed at my mom, they never touched me and I remember just sitting there, and thinking Why are they doing this to her? Of course, I was a child and I could not have done anything. This usually happened when those two men got drunk, they'd barge in the house 2, 3 in the morning just screaming. I think that's why I'm too jumpy up to this day. At times, we'd sneak out of the back door and head over to a neighbor's house or to a nearby relatives'. Then, tip toeing around 6 in the morning so I can get ready for school. I can laugh about it but now, but I remember us getting chased down in the street, and taking refuge in a neighbor's house. They are one of our close friends few doors down, and me and my mom would be hiding behind the front door while the lady talks to my drunken grandfather telling him to let the mother and child be. This went on 'til I was about 14 when we finally moved out and got our own place but this was something to due to a different family drama. Pretty much those other times, we'd stay at a relatives' for a little while, then my mom decides to come back. One time, we finally got a place. Granted it was like 3 blocks away from the house it was our own. The conditions weren't the greatest, okay it was about 10' by 11' room which didn't have any windows whatsoever except for a square opening that really doesn't give you any view. When you peek out of it, all you can see is a canal between two houses, with rats! Hahaha, some even bigger than a kitten. Being a kid, I just laughed and got excited seeing them. Right above us, there were maybe three prostitutes that lived in that room. That's a harsh word, but they were really good people. Way I'd make money is I'd get them some bath water and they'd give me some change. Nice. This didn't last long either. My grandma went home from Norway, and after they had their talks and such, my mom and I went back to live at their house again.
If you would have passed me by, you wouldn't even know that all of these were happening. Keeping it all in, not having anybody to talk to. I questioned the existence of God (being raised Catholic). Asking him, why'd my life have to be this difficult? Why can't it be like the other's? Something simple. A home with a mother and a father, is that too much to ask? A dad who would have cared enough to visit? One can't help not to feel angry sometimes. I didn't lash out on the world. I didn't take this out on anybody, I internalized it all in, I think a little bit too much. I didn't act out and failed my classes, didn't resort to drinking or any sort of substance abuse. I did great in school, earning honors and awards, being part of quiz bee's and the school newspaper, being part of the dance company and even the junior police. To be honest, I'm not really sure who I did all those for. Maybe for my dad, getting him to acknowledge me and be told that I'm proud. Or maybe to show my family and to the other people that I did good for a fatherless child. Maybe for my mom, to show that her sacrifices weren't in vain. Or maybe I did it just because, no rhyme or reason. I'm not one who seeks out competition so that can't be 'competetiveness' either. I really could care less who the number one is.
When we talk about this, my mom would say how she's really glad I was understanding about all of these. I knew my place in the world, and I really wasn't demanding either. I knew what I can or can't have so just kept my mouth shut since I know I can't have it anyways even if I would have asked so I just didn't. Like she told me, be grateful for what you get. Through her, I saw that you can't make anyone responsible for what you want.
After having left the Philippines, I did two years of high school and joined the military two months after graduation. At that time, it felt like it was the right thing to do. There were different motivations as to why I did. One was to be able to help my mom out. During that time, that was really my main motivation, was to better her life. I wasn't even thinking of me. When I think back, I find it kinda odd that I was really afraid about life after high school, I joined the military instead of going to school. Guess I wanted to make money and send her some which was back then felt like the right thing to do. At first I didn't mind, but sometimes I can't help not to think how I'm a single guy, and I don't get to keep my paycheck to myself.
During these time, living alone in a foreign land, all these supressed emotions and questions crept in on me. Just being there in my room, alone in my thoughts got to be too overwhelming at times. I coped the best I could, though it probably wasn't the best way in some instances. At the time, it felt like it was the right thing to do however. I had to sort through this alone, finding the answers I need to find.
I got to hear my dad's side of the story as well. I don't even remember what his responses were, but it seemed silly sometimes. He never visited since he doesn't like to fly. I thought that was dumb, if I had a son somewhere, I sure as hell would do everything I could to see him. Or write him a letter or call him. Something to cling on to when the life gets to be too much to take. Being that far away, that's all I could really have. It's not enough to hear one say I love you, but never backing that claim up. I needed to feel it, enough to where I could believe it. Not to be left wondering whether I'm that unloveable. Of course, now I realize that that isn't true. I had love all around me but I got too busy trying to illicit those words from my dad, that I made him proud.
He and my mom actually had an agreement that I was gonna come live with him in the US when I turn six years old. My mom changed her mind since she got scared that she might not see me again. She kept me. My dad, he told me he didn't want to go and take me away from her since he didn't want me to hate him because of it. Sometimes, I get angry about all this. How different my life could have been!? Maybe a bit easier? Seeing my brother, I can't help not to wonder hey that could have been me. Going to school, taking piano lessons. I'm just jealous sometimes.
With my mom living in Japan with me, the military got us an apartment and everything. Air force is good. She got on my nerves though about her constant complaining. Food here sucks, it's too cold, I'm not eating that. It just got to me, so she ended up just going back to the Philippines. During this time, what pained me was it made me question about my decision joining the military in the first place. Her and the family won't shut up about petitioning her, and when I did, that's how she acted!? I was one angry airman. After that, it didn't feel good about helping them anymore. It felt like a burden when I know it shouldn't be. I just hated it, I'm single yet it feels like I'm married.
She complains and complains about the condition in the Philippines, but I sit there thinking, what if I didn't petition you? What then? What's gonna happen to you? It's nice to dream about going to the US, but I don't think one should just wait around for that day to happen and not do anything else. I can't help not to feel like I'm just a ticket for a better life abroad. I love her and all but still...
After this whole Japan incident, I just don't see my mom in the same light any longer. I realized that she's the one responsible for the life she had. She would say that she did it all for me which to an extent is really true. I am grateful, but with hearing that, it worries me sometimes that I'll do things out of guilt rather than love. During our conversation, she's making all these plans with me in it. I kept telling her Think about you and your husband, 'ma. I try to make her see that I'm out of the picture in a sense, that we can't go back to the days where the three of us are living in the same roof. I told her I love you, but I just don't see it happening. Please understand that I'm my own person now and things aren't like they used to. I was getting choked up since it made me want to go back to those days when all I needed was her love and believe when she says Everything's gonna be alright.
She's a great person, she gives love freely without expecting anything in return, she remembers all the important dates, she has keepsakes for special occasions. I don't think I give her enough credit sometimes, usually calling her crazy which she is. But hey, if it wasn't for crazy, here I wouldn't be.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Call me Miguel
I told my coworkers to start calling me that since another guy just started working at the Helpdesk has the same name as I do. I can't go by my last name either since another tech has a name that just sounds like it though his is -an insted of -en. These two guys I was in the same class with called me Miguel for reasons I would never know. I asked one of them, why call me that and he told me I just looked like a Miguel, like that explains it but I got used to it so maybe will start having people call me that. Or I could go with Topher but I've only been called that by one person in my lifetime.
I might have forgotten to mention that I almost got a ticket the previous weekend. I was trying to get to my M-'s hotel and I ended up making a left turn from the middle lane when I shouldn't have. The roads here can be confusing. I didn't realize there was a cop on my left side and sure enough, she got behind me in no time. That's when I realized my mistake so just went ahead and pulled over to the side of the street. Before whenever I passed by people who are stopped, I used to think sucka! Won't be doing that again! I was kinda laughing since I can't believe what was happening. She came up to by my window and asked me if I knew the reason she stopped me, and I just said, I made a left turn from the middle lane? She explained to me how I wasn't supposed to, where I could make turns from, etc and I just nodded with that what you're saying is interesting look on my face. I did know it was my fault so I know better than to stir things up with a cop. Oh no you dien't!! She ended up just giving me a warning, which I was glad about.
Aside from that, it's been quiet. Been working, then hit the gym and go home mostly. I'll admit not having friends get to me on some days, but guess I'll have to just wait and be more patient. I'm trying to find ways to meet people, will start volunteering more, and just be more outgoing, or try to. I'm kinda seeing C- but I don't know, I'd see him like every few weeks so that doesn't count. I'd seriously take friends any day over than getting into a relationship. It'll be nice to have a boyfriend, but friendships are longer lasting. Either way, I'm TRYING not to let it get to me. It gets frustrating sometimes but am trying not to. When it feels like I'm sinking, I just try to find ways to fight it. Like this Wednesday, the night before it was the first time I got to sleep for eight hours, and I was more tired than I have ever been. I didn't feel 'right' after I left work, and got home and showered to wash the feelings away. Didn't help much either so stepped out for a while and just caught a movie. Saw Dreamgirls since I've been meaning to see it since Christmas time with some guy. I liked it, this was the first time I watched a 'musical' at the theater. I wanted to see what the fuss was about and yes, it was a good movie indeed.
I also met someone at a bookstore. I stopped at Border's back on V-day to pass the time and a guy sat across from me and made a little conversation. At first he asked if it was my cup sitting on the table, and told him no, it wasn't. I was nibbling on my Baskin and Robbins ice cream at the time. I went to the mall after I got off work, and ended up just getting a pizza for dinner when I was supposed to be at the gym *grin I picked up this really interesting book by Osho and figured I'll just read it for a bit since I didn't want to buy it since it's not as new as it should be. He started asking about the coffee shop and I really didn't know since I've never bought anything from it, and from there, we ended up talking. Found out where he was from, were his family is, though I don't recall what exactly he did. He's 33 but I thought he was about the same age as I am. We exchanged numbers but will see, I think he's straight but regardless, that was nice getting to strike up a conversation with a stranger. When my mom used to do that, I'd stay a few feet away from her since it embarrassed me how she can get into lengthy coneversations with people we come across, in the bus, at the mall, wherever. She doesn't run out! Boy, do I miss her sometimes.
She knows about me now, I came clean this past summer though she cried a bit, not so much because of it but that I kept a part of myself hidden from her. She felt that she missed out that I haven't confided this to her the longest, about getting my heart bruised, crushes, etc. Either way, she knows now though sometimes I think she wished things were different. She mentioned that she wanted to see how her grandkids would have looked like, etc. Sometimes I wish it was too, it would have been much simpler. But it isn't and nothing can really change that.
I guess with the Aunt that I've been talking with, I have a feeling that she knows. She was telling me how this or that cousin is gay, but she loves them nonetheless. My ears got really warm after hearing that, and I think if I sensed that she knew, she probably does. She's said something to that effect before as well, that my cousin told her something about me but that it's not gonna change anything. So that, just thought about it I guess and wanted to put it down to words. Maybe I'll make that NY trip come next month, it's been almost a year since I went there for the first time and I sure do miss it.
Either way, just thinking about the family made me smile. I came across a post right before I went to bed and it made me cry and laugh thinking about what happened last summer. Guess I carried the thoughts over since it was the last thing on my mind as I went to bed. I'm glad I have them, since really sometimes, love alone is enough.
I might have forgotten to mention that I almost got a ticket the previous weekend. I was trying to get to my M-'s hotel and I ended up making a left turn from the middle lane when I shouldn't have. The roads here can be confusing. I didn't realize there was a cop on my left side and sure enough, she got behind me in no time. That's when I realized my mistake so just went ahead and pulled over to the side of the street. Before whenever I passed by people who are stopped, I used to think sucka! Won't be doing that again! I was kinda laughing since I can't believe what was happening. She came up to by my window and asked me if I knew the reason she stopped me, and I just said, I made a left turn from the middle lane? She explained to me how I wasn't supposed to, where I could make turns from, etc and I just nodded with that what you're saying is interesting look on my face. I did know it was my fault so I know better than to stir things up with a cop. Oh no you dien't!! She ended up just giving me a warning, which I was glad about.
Aside from that, it's been quiet. Been working, then hit the gym and go home mostly. I'll admit not having friends get to me on some days, but guess I'll have to just wait and be more patient. I'm trying to find ways to meet people, will start volunteering more, and just be more outgoing, or try to. I'm kinda seeing C- but I don't know, I'd see him like every few weeks so that doesn't count. I'd seriously take friends any day over than getting into a relationship. It'll be nice to have a boyfriend, but friendships are longer lasting. Either way, I'm TRYING not to let it get to me. It gets frustrating sometimes but am trying not to. When it feels like I'm sinking, I just try to find ways to fight it. Like this Wednesday, the night before it was the first time I got to sleep for eight hours, and I was more tired than I have ever been. I didn't feel 'right' after I left work, and got home and showered to wash the feelings away. Didn't help much either so stepped out for a while and just caught a movie. Saw Dreamgirls since I've been meaning to see it since Christmas time with some guy. I liked it, this was the first time I watched a 'musical' at the theater. I wanted to see what the fuss was about and yes, it was a good movie indeed.
I also met someone at a bookstore. I stopped at Border's back on V-day to pass the time and a guy sat across from me and made a little conversation. At first he asked if it was my cup sitting on the table, and told him no, it wasn't. I was nibbling on my Baskin and Robbins ice cream at the time. I went to the mall after I got off work, and ended up just getting a pizza for dinner when I was supposed to be at the gym *grin I picked up this really interesting book by Osho and figured I'll just read it for a bit since I didn't want to buy it since it's not as new as it should be. He started asking about the coffee shop and I really didn't know since I've never bought anything from it, and from there, we ended up talking. Found out where he was from, were his family is, though I don't recall what exactly he did. He's 33 but I thought he was about the same age as I am. We exchanged numbers but will see, I think he's straight but regardless, that was nice getting to strike up a conversation with a stranger. When my mom used to do that, I'd stay a few feet away from her since it embarrassed me how she can get into lengthy coneversations with people we come across, in the bus, at the mall, wherever. She doesn't run out! Boy, do I miss her sometimes.
She knows about me now, I came clean this past summer though she cried a bit, not so much because of it but that I kept a part of myself hidden from her. She felt that she missed out that I haven't confided this to her the longest, about getting my heart bruised, crushes, etc. Either way, she knows now though sometimes I think she wished things were different. She mentioned that she wanted to see how her grandkids would have looked like, etc. Sometimes I wish it was too, it would have been much simpler. But it isn't and nothing can really change that.
I guess with the Aunt that I've been talking with, I have a feeling that she knows. She was telling me how this or that cousin is gay, but she loves them nonetheless. My ears got really warm after hearing that, and I think if I sensed that she knew, she probably does. She's said something to that effect before as well, that my cousin told her something about me but that it's not gonna change anything. So that, just thought about it I guess and wanted to put it down to words. Maybe I'll make that NY trip come next month, it's been almost a year since I went there for the first time and I sure do miss it.
Either way, just thinking about the family made me smile. I came across a post right before I went to bed and it made me cry and laugh thinking about what happened last summer. Guess I carried the thoughts over since it was the last thing on my mind as I went to bed. I'm glad I have them, since really sometimes, love alone is enough.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Stuck on ice
I'm now up after having slept for about four hours. I spent the night out and was close calling it a day until I got to the apartment. My car got stuck in the snow... frozen snow and I'm now waiting for the towing service to come by which from the automated message I got would be here within two hours. I messed up my front tire trying to get out of it, and I could really be pissed right now but that's not gonna do me any good, would it?
The weekend's been good otherwise. I just stayed in Friday after getting home from work. Hang around doing nothing before finally forcing myself to go to the gym. My trial period's about done so would have to go more often now that I'm a paying member. I think I lost some weight already so that's a good thing. I'm around 157 and has hovered around 165-175 the past four years. I weighed 145 lbs before joining the military and didn't realize how skinny I looked until I saw some pictures from way back when. Don't forget to bring a towel! is Towlie's advice and yet, I forgot to bring one with me. And boy did I sweat while running! I really considered just going home right after but having skipped the gym for almost a week, I chose to stay instead and do the weights as well. And man, were there some hot bods walking around. I wanted to come up to one and just start touching him. He had a nice one, body that is and maybe I'll get to that one day. I want to build a bit of muscle eventually.
Before going to the gym, I made a quick stop at the library to return some books I borrowed. I'm trying to get back to reading again, which was all I did when I was in Florida. Can't really use the net, it's called unlimited! but they didn't let us stay on it for long lord. And to think before that, I chatted just about daily after school. You pay $1 per hour in the Philippines and I'd get on and just chat away. I did enjoy talking to people from all over, with some I even corresponded with snail mails. Getting back to the library, I returned the books Whatever Makes You Happy and Soul Kiss. Soul Kiss I enjoyed reading and would have to actually buy. I can relate more to the character how she had to stay with her mom's family and her dad who's she's never met lives in California. It was just good, one of those books you can reread over and over and not get tired of.
Saturday, I ended up going to a birthday party I wasn't sure I was gonna go to. It was the same folks who I met for the christmas gathering back in December. I really didn't know what to get for the birthday boy and considered just getting a cake. Jon saved me though, and made me a realize how that would have been a no-no to bring a cake when there's gonna be one already. I brought a bottle of wine, and a gift card since I'm not friends with the guy enough to know his likes or dislikes. It was fun, I got to see these two women that I adored from last time. There isn't any guys my age so made do what I had. Funny how I got a girl's number again, what's up with that!?
I left around 11:30 pm to make my way out to DC and meet up with C-. We're kinda dating I guess. We've hang out like two or three times, few weeks in between. I met him early last month and I've seen him what, four times? It was a pain trying to find a parking spot in DC but I did eventually, after driving around for half an hour. He and his friends were at a bar and grilled called Front Page in the Dupont Circle. It was nice, I got to meet more of his friends and coworkers. I just mostly hang around the bar, dancing here and there when I knew what song was playing. C-'s a social butterfly, going out to bars or parties when he can. It looks like his friends really adore him, it seems like when I kinda take a step back and watch them mingle. We didn't talk too much but it was good. The bar closed about an hour after I got there so we had to go. Funny thing though, there was a guy across the bar whose name is J- (I come to find out later.) He was staring and then would whisper something to the people he was with. I just shrugged it off but just found it a bit odd. We were waiting for C- friends outside the bar and I ended up running into J-. He kept going on how he's straight, etc etc and how I want to sleep with him but obviously we can't since he's not gay. And I stood there thinking What is he talking about!? I asked him where he's getting that from and he went on how he used to be gay but not anymore, etc . 'You're a beautiful man Topher but we're not sleeping together' Oh, bummer I told him and parted ways after a kiss on the lips. I caught up with C- and his folks and said our bye's. I had to walk down a different way to get to my car, and they were still talking about going over to a friend's house anyway.
It was a fun night, and I made my way back home, stopping at McDonald's to get a Big and Tasty meal. At least this time, I didn't have to stop a fight. When I went out two weeks ago and went to McDonald's, the two cars in front of me were having an argument. I don't know if it was the alcohol or wanting to get my food that made me step out of the car and got in between the two guys trying to separate them. They were mostly yelling, but still if one of them would have pulled out a weapon, my ass would have been in the hospital. It was something stupid, the guy in front wanted to back out of the drive-thru lane instead of just leaving the normal route. The guy behind him really can't do anything since he saw my car coming and obviously can't go anywhere. The second guy was a state trooper too, and eventually the first guy just left. The state trooper kept telling him to choose either jail, or home. Looks like the kid had a bit of a drink too and it didn't look like he's over 21. I spoke to the state trooper and pretty much what pissed him off was getting called a niggah. And he was white as can be! I chuckled when I heard that, and told him to relax, it's over now. Go get your food ordered so you can be on your way. I was getting hungrier too.
I finally got my big and tasty yay! but didn't get to savor it all since I got stuck trying to park my car. I was trying to roll the car, grabbing french fries while doing so, who can enjoy their food doing that!? I tried for about half an hour and finally gave up and said I'll just take care of the problem when I woke up. I slept around 6 and woke up around 9, I forgot by what. I ended up calling it in to USAA and got it taken care of, waiting for the towing service for a good five hours. I was by the apartment though so just did the laundry and little things I needed to do. Hey, can't really let it get to me. I had a great evening and won't let the car incident ice on my parade. If I wouldn't have gone out, this would not have happened but I don't think I would have changed any part of it.
The weekend's been good otherwise. I just stayed in Friday after getting home from work. Hang around doing nothing before finally forcing myself to go to the gym. My trial period's about done so would have to go more often now that I'm a paying member. I think I lost some weight already so that's a good thing. I'm around 157 and has hovered around 165-175 the past four years. I weighed 145 lbs before joining the military and didn't realize how skinny I looked until I saw some pictures from way back when. Don't forget to bring a towel! is Towlie's advice and yet, I forgot to bring one with me. And boy did I sweat while running! I really considered just going home right after but having skipped the gym for almost a week, I chose to stay instead and do the weights as well. And man, were there some hot bods walking around. I wanted to come up to one and just start touching him. He had a nice one, body that is and maybe I'll get to that one day. I want to build a bit of muscle eventually.
Before going to the gym, I made a quick stop at the library to return some books I borrowed. I'm trying to get back to reading again, which was all I did when I was in Florida. Can't really use the net, it's called unlimited! but they didn't let us stay on it for long lord. And to think before that, I chatted just about daily after school. You pay $1 per hour in the Philippines and I'd get on and just chat away. I did enjoy talking to people from all over, with some I even corresponded with snail mails. Getting back to the library, I returned the books Whatever Makes You Happy and Soul Kiss. Soul Kiss I enjoyed reading and would have to actually buy. I can relate more to the character how she had to stay with her mom's family and her dad who's she's never met lives in California. It was just good, one of those books you can reread over and over and not get tired of.
Saturday, I ended up going to a birthday party I wasn't sure I was gonna go to. It was the same folks who I met for the christmas gathering back in December. I really didn't know what to get for the birthday boy and considered just getting a cake. Jon saved me though, and made me a realize how that would have been a no-no to bring a cake when there's gonna be one already. I brought a bottle of wine, and a gift card since I'm not friends with the guy enough to know his likes or dislikes. It was fun, I got to see these two women that I adored from last time. There isn't any guys my age so made do what I had. Funny how I got a girl's number again, what's up with that!?
I left around 11:30 pm to make my way out to DC and meet up with C-. We're kinda dating I guess. We've hang out like two or three times, few weeks in between. I met him early last month and I've seen him what, four times? It was a pain trying to find a parking spot in DC but I did eventually, after driving around for half an hour. He and his friends were at a bar and grilled called Front Page in the Dupont Circle. It was nice, I got to meet more of his friends and coworkers. I just mostly hang around the bar, dancing here and there when I knew what song was playing. C-'s a social butterfly, going out to bars or parties when he can. It looks like his friends really adore him, it seems like when I kinda take a step back and watch them mingle. We didn't talk too much but it was good. The bar closed about an hour after I got there so we had to go. Funny thing though, there was a guy across the bar whose name is J- (I come to find out later.) He was staring and then would whisper something to the people he was with. I just shrugged it off but just found it a bit odd. We were waiting for C- friends outside the bar and I ended up running into J-. He kept going on how he's straight, etc etc and how I want to sleep with him but obviously we can't since he's not gay. And I stood there thinking What is he talking about!? I asked him where he's getting that from and he went on how he used to be gay but not anymore, etc . 'You're a beautiful man Topher but we're not sleeping together' Oh, bummer I told him and parted ways after a kiss on the lips. I caught up with C- and his folks and said our bye's. I had to walk down a different way to get to my car, and they were still talking about going over to a friend's house anyway.
It was a fun night, and I made my way back home, stopping at McDonald's to get a Big and Tasty meal. At least this time, I didn't have to stop a fight. When I went out two weeks ago and went to McDonald's, the two cars in front of me were having an argument. I don't know if it was the alcohol or wanting to get my food that made me step out of the car and got in between the two guys trying to separate them. They were mostly yelling, but still if one of them would have pulled out a weapon, my ass would have been in the hospital. It was something stupid, the guy in front wanted to back out of the drive-thru lane instead of just leaving the normal route. The guy behind him really can't do anything since he saw my car coming and obviously can't go anywhere. The second guy was a state trooper too, and eventually the first guy just left. The state trooper kept telling him to choose either jail, or home. Looks like the kid had a bit of a drink too and it didn't look like he's over 21. I spoke to the state trooper and pretty much what pissed him off was getting called a niggah. And he was white as can be! I chuckled when I heard that, and told him to relax, it's over now. Go get your food ordered so you can be on your way. I was getting hungrier too.
I finally got my big and tasty yay! but didn't get to savor it all since I got stuck trying to park my car. I was trying to roll the car, grabbing french fries while doing so, who can enjoy their food doing that!? I tried for about half an hour and finally gave up and said I'll just take care of the problem when I woke up. I slept around 6 and woke up around 9, I forgot by what. I ended up calling it in to USAA and got it taken care of, waiting for the towing service for a good five hours. I was by the apartment though so just did the laundry and little things I needed to do. Hey, can't really let it get to me. I had a great evening and won't let the car incident ice on my parade. If I wouldn't have gone out, this would not have happened but I don't think I would have changed any part of it.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Get your game on
I was off from work yesterday to attend my friend's brother's funeral. It was nice getting to see -M again since it's been a little bit over two years now since we last saw each other. It was good, it didn't seem like there was that huge gap where we really didn't hang out. It felt like we just saw each other the day before and picked up where we left off. It's funny how I didn't even like him at the beginning when we were in tech school (where we learn our jobs) but became good friends with him at our duty station (the base we are sent to usually 1-2 years if you're single).
They flew in Saturday afternoon and we were supposed to hang out that evening. He called me after they had dinner though to say that he wasn't feeling too good so he just got some rest. I, on the other hand, was all excited about going out. I was actually gonna hang out with my friend -K but cancelled on him after finding out -M was flying in to Arlington. So after talking to -M, I went ahead and called -K to see if he'll still be up to go out drinking. He was, though as we got closer to meeting up, he called me from his hotel saying he couldn't find his debit card. He looked all over, and even went back to the restaurant he was in earlier, to see if he might have left it there, but nope they didn't have it either.
He really didn't feel like going out anymore but I still made my way out to DC and sorta surprise him. Tell him that it'll be my treat for tonight. I brought Strangers with Candy just in case we ended up just staying in. I called when I was driving into the DC and come to find out, he got in bed already since losing his card put him in a bad mood. He didn't bring any extra card sooo yea, I'd be a bit pissed too if I was in his shoes. I'm surprised I didn't get lost considering I didn't have the city map with me but found my way to Dupont Circle. I waited at the lobby for -K and I guess I did blend it to the chair I was sitting in. There he was, coming up to the counter telling the woman that he was just waiting for his friend to arrive. I sat maybe 15 ft away and was just giggling about it, when the other attendant pointed at my direction and told him I'm already there. -K didn't have his glasses on so he blamed it at that, but it made him laugh which he kinda needed.
We talked for a bit and I was going through the Washington Blade and then, there he was snoring away. And we spoke just a minute ago! It wasn't even a minute actually, I looked down at the newspaper and looked up and there he was passed out.
I figured I'd let him sleep so I snuck out of the room. Well after pouring some vodka in my coke bottle. I drank all my soda when I just got to his room, so didn't have anything to mix it with. And the room I can get a coke from was locked anyways. Figured the drink would keep me a bit warm while I'm making my way to the bar. Either that, or get me a bit drunk already before I got there. My Aunt A- (dad's sister) actually called while I was walking, at 11:30 pm on a weekend, just to say hi. She's sweet, she calls and tells me she's been thinking of me and stuff. I have yet to meet her, since she didn't show up at the reunion.
She's made me cry once the first time we spoke on the phone. It was around this time last year that she got my phone number from my cousin. I was on my way to the mall to meet my friend, and I was about five minutes away when my phone rang from a number that I didn't recognized. I picked up since it's not like it'll kill me answering a call from an unknown number. It was her. I had to pull over since my contacts fell off from crying too hard. Just the things that she said, how eventhough we've never met, she loves me and wants to meet me one day, etc. I get emotional when I hear things like that though I kinda was thinking how she could have tried harder, etc. Oh oh, that's how I get sometimes. I tend to place conditions on how I'm supposed to be loved. If you love me, you'd to this or that but love just doesn't work that way. I have yet to meet her but I'm thinking of visiting her eventually. She lives in upstate New York I think, wherever Rochester is, so will make my way up there when it gets warmer.
So made it to the bar/club, and ended up being there for 3 hours surprisingly. Just had some drinks and danced along to the songs, just watching the actions going on. People dancing, making out in one corner. I spoke maybe to two people, though with the first he came up asking why I'm giving him the evil eye. I guess his two other friends told him I was looking but I can't help not to. He was vogueing for like a good half hour. At least, he took it lightly. I just laughed when he spoke to me and told him that I didn't mean anything bad when I was staring. I forget that sometimes, I tend to stare at people when they do something I find interesting.. or if they're cute..giving them the second look, the third look.
The second one he came up to me rubbing my stomach and asked how I was doing. I answered but didn't say anything after that. As much as I wanted to make out with somebody hahaha. I guess I wasn't in a talking mood. The music was okay at the club, but I still enjoyed it. Just looking at the interactions going on, and learning from it. That way I can go back and get my game on. Doubt it though.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
I love you no shit..
Those were the exact closing words of my mom when she wrote me back just now. It made me laugh and thought it'll be a good title for my entry since I suck at coming up with them.
As some of you are aware, I'm trying to petition her to come to the U.S. After two years since we submitted the papers, it's in its final stages and she got an interview set up with the embassy. After that, she'll be issued her visa and she'll be all set to come here. I don't think we'll run into a problem so she should be stateside very, very soon. She'll be staying with my aunt in Florida though, since I don't think I'm ready to live with her again, or will be ever. We get along great and everything, but things have changed.
I'm happy that she'll finally get to come here, but I think it'll be more of a relief more than anything. It's like it was just expected of me to petition her after having moved to the US. I get angry about over it sometimes since it seemed like she just waited for that day to come. I wonder what if my dad had not petitioned me, what then? What would have become of us? There's a lot of things that came into play and maybe I can put it down into words one day. I've spoken to some of you about it and thank you so much for lending an ear, just sitting at the park and talking. That meant a lot.
That it's okay to feel what I feel, that there was nothing wrong feeling burdened by it all sometimes, like I am carrying the earth on my shoulders. I made the decision to join the military so I'd be able to help my mom out. Back then, it seemed like it was the 'right' thing to do. Ya know, helping them out as a way of saying thanks for all she's done. That changed the past four...almost five years now. I was in turmoil about trying to make sense of the past, trying to shed light over how things happened the way they did. Most of it happened during my stay in Japan and sometimes I feel like I missed out on not being there completely.
I wish it would have been different but I can't go back to the past, I can only look back and learn from it. It's all part of the process I suppose, I can say that I'm a better person because of it. I've learned a lot and am glad about that though the most important one was finally learning to love myself. Not that I'm a horrible person, I mean I did okay growing up and didn't really fuss much, did what I was told, did well in school, and didn't make enemies or anything. I think I was liked though inside I know that I didn't like me. So eventhough I wish I could have loved more when I was living in Japan, how could I possibly love everybody else but not love myself. Maybe it is for some, but not for me. I didn't want anybody to get sucked in my inner struggle so kept everyone, even my friends at bay.
That's all over now and I can say that I'm in a better place now that I was before. Getting out of the military, it feels like I'm living my life on my terms now. It feels good to put myself into consideration this time, instead of putting others before me. Now, I've kept a bit of a distance between me and the family. They can give me advice but that doesn't mean I have to do what they think is best. Even with my mom, the gaps between our talks have been longer. I used to call once a week, sometimes even a few days even, but we end up just talking about the same things which gets me angry. She usually ends up crying, which I hate, but I say things to make her realize that she can't keep blaming everybody for all the things that happened. You can pinpoint finger but what good is that gonna do? I just don't need to feel her pain any more, I have enough of my own.
I have tomorrow to think about so guess that means I should go to bed soon. What Toni Morrison said comes to mind when I think about my military experience "I wish I woulda knowed more people. I would have loved 'em all. If I woulda knowed more, I woulda loved more." And with some, I think I did eventhough I didn't realize it at that time. With the ones I've kept in contact, I do hope they know how much they mean to me. They were my family, though back then, we didn't think much of it. I know I didn't. Everybody I've ever crossed paths with also comes into play, with some it just fell on the wayside, with some I chose to end for reasons I have. There's nothing wrong with it, it's been done to me as well. People have cut ties with me as well for reasons that I will never ever know, but it doesn't mean that it's because of something I did or didn't do. They made that a choice, and I can only respect that and move on as much as it boggles me as to why it might have happened.
And to you whos' reading this, you probably come across this accidentally or might have found me after I left a comment on your post. But I hope you wouldn't just disappear without a note or a trace. It can be a one-liner even, something short saying you just don't want to go on blogging any longer. Regardless, you probably wouldn't hear me say this in person. However, to ones I've met and welcoming me to your homes, to ones who I might never get to meet yet check up on daily...
I love you no shit!
As some of you are aware, I'm trying to petition her to come to the U.S. After two years since we submitted the papers, it's in its final stages and she got an interview set up with the embassy. After that, she'll be issued her visa and she'll be all set to come here. I don't think we'll run into a problem so she should be stateside very, very soon. She'll be staying with my aunt in Florida though, since I don't think I'm ready to live with her again, or will be ever. We get along great and everything, but things have changed.
I'm happy that she'll finally get to come here, but I think it'll be more of a relief more than anything. It's like it was just expected of me to petition her after having moved to the US. I get angry about over it sometimes since it seemed like she just waited for that day to come. I wonder what if my dad had not petitioned me, what then? What would have become of us? There's a lot of things that came into play and maybe I can put it down into words one day. I've spoken to some of you about it and thank you so much for lending an ear, just sitting at the park and talking. That meant a lot.
That it's okay to feel what I feel, that there was nothing wrong feeling burdened by it all sometimes, like I am carrying the earth on my shoulders. I made the decision to join the military so I'd be able to help my mom out. Back then, it seemed like it was the 'right' thing to do. Ya know, helping them out as a way of saying thanks for all she's done. That changed the past four...almost five years now. I was in turmoil about trying to make sense of the past, trying to shed light over how things happened the way they did. Most of it happened during my stay in Japan and sometimes I feel like I missed out on not being there completely.
I wish it would have been different but I can't go back to the past, I can only look back and learn from it. It's all part of the process I suppose, I can say that I'm a better person because of it. I've learned a lot and am glad about that though the most important one was finally learning to love myself. Not that I'm a horrible person, I mean I did okay growing up and didn't really fuss much, did what I was told, did well in school, and didn't make enemies or anything. I think I was liked though inside I know that I didn't like me. So eventhough I wish I could have loved more when I was living in Japan, how could I possibly love everybody else but not love myself. Maybe it is for some, but not for me. I didn't want anybody to get sucked in my inner struggle so kept everyone, even my friends at bay.
That's all over now and I can say that I'm in a better place now that I was before. Getting out of the military, it feels like I'm living my life on my terms now. It feels good to put myself into consideration this time, instead of putting others before me. Now, I've kept a bit of a distance between me and the family. They can give me advice but that doesn't mean I have to do what they think is best. Even with my mom, the gaps between our talks have been longer. I used to call once a week, sometimes even a few days even, but we end up just talking about the same things which gets me angry. She usually ends up crying, which I hate, but I say things to make her realize that she can't keep blaming everybody for all the things that happened. You can pinpoint finger but what good is that gonna do? I just don't need to feel her pain any more, I have enough of my own.
I have tomorrow to think about so guess that means I should go to bed soon. What Toni Morrison said comes to mind when I think about my military experience "I wish I woulda knowed more people. I would have loved 'em all. If I woulda knowed more, I woulda loved more." And with some, I think I did eventhough I didn't realize it at that time. With the ones I've kept in contact, I do hope they know how much they mean to me. They were my family, though back then, we didn't think much of it. I know I didn't. Everybody I've ever crossed paths with also comes into play, with some it just fell on the wayside, with some I chose to end for reasons I have. There's nothing wrong with it, it's been done to me as well. People have cut ties with me as well for reasons that I will never ever know, but it doesn't mean that it's because of something I did or didn't do. They made that a choice, and I can only respect that and move on as much as it boggles me as to why it might have happened.
And to you whos' reading this, you probably come across this accidentally or might have found me after I left a comment on your post. But I hope you wouldn't just disappear without a note or a trace. It can be a one-liner even, something short saying you just don't want to go on blogging any longer. Regardless, you probably wouldn't hear me say this in person. However, to ones I've met and welcoming me to your homes, to ones who I might never get to meet yet check up on daily...
I love you no shit!
Friday, February 9, 2007
Is everything really gonna be alright?
Ok, despite of having served in the military these past four years. The war in Iraq didn't really hit close to home until this past week when my friend -C told me that our friend -M's brother got killed in Iraq this past weekend. It made me sad that something like this had to happen. I spoke to -M a day or two after -C mentioned what happened. -M and his family are flying down here this weekend (I think) to attend the burial this upcoming Monday. I'm still waiting for a call from -M but I've cancelled all my plans for the weekend and will take the Monday off as well to attend the funeral. It was really hard not to tell -M I'm so sorry about what happened, but -C said that -M got tired of hearing everyone telling him that. I'm saddened that this had to affect someone dear to me, but it's part of life. I really can't tell him that everything's going to be alright, coz as much as you want it to be, it wouldn't be after that. True you can move on, you can say you'll always have the memories but it'll be a loss that can never be filled.
It'll be nice to see -M again after two years now though I wish it wasn't because of this...
Friday, February 2, 2007
Be happy
Ok, I had to look the word chipper up since I got called one just few minutes ago. I doubt that my coworker meant I was a narc user so scrolled down and saw that it meant a cheerful person. I guess I can be on some days where it feels like I have all these energy and have to let it out somehow. I guess it's better that way though but sometimes when I feel down, I barely utter a word to anybody. I'd answer the phones, since that's what I do, but you won't hear a peep aside from that. I think it worries people but it's hard for me to change it sometimes. Even my mom knows it though, and when I get quiet she knows to just let me be and not try to pry me for anything that's going on. I'm not one who talks to others what I'm feeling, or thinking. It's not that too many things bothered me. I didn't have problems at school or anything, mainly it was the family stuff that made me question things. It didn't let it get to me, I just shrugged it off and held on to the hope that things would be different one day. And it did. Hope's one of the most important things in life, but of course, you gotta take action also. Not just sit around and hope that things will happen. That's like sitting by a well and not taking a drink eventhough your thirsty. You just sit there wishing someone will get you a drink but that is not how it works.
So yea, getting back to chip. It's funny how this one lady makes a comment about me whenever I pass her by. I guess I smile a little too much, but no matter where I see her, she'll tell the person she's with that boy sure has a smile on his face everytime. It makes me chuckle. Though of course since she said that, I've made it a point of not smiling once. I was stressed out that day and really can't manage to put a smile on my face, like everything's okay. Granted, whoever's reading this, try (I wouldn't say should) to smile more often, and see how it'll make you feel good. It probably won't happen overnight but give it some time but I think it'll help in the long run. You never know how it might make a difference in someone else's day. Though sometimes, you kinda sit and wonder if you do make a difference? You do! Though I know there isn't an evidence, I'm sure someone somewhere is thankful for that smile, or that act of kindness you did for somebody. It doesn't really require too much effort, but if more people are nicer and treat each other with kindness, can you imagine how the world will be?
This week's just been a mix. I just felt too tired on some days I just wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there. But then, it could just be lack of sleep doing that. I've been exercising more and eating healthier (and cheaper) and it looks like it's making a difference. There's some changes in my body, oh lord I'm like a13-yr old girl hitting puberty, but yea, I'm liking it so far. I'm doing this for, or at least I think so. My dad keeps making comments how I'm supposed to be all muscly since I'm in my prime and all. But yea, never really been active until now. How I got the skills to play sports but just don't etc etc. And also since I look bigger in pics than I do in person. I never really thought about it that much but a few people have said something to that nature.
Aside from that, still working on making new friends in the city. I think I've met more people here in my first two months than I did in my one-year stay in Hampton. It really wasn't dates, more of a meet and greet and see how I got along with them. A good time is always had, I'd have to say. I'm not really high maintenance so always up for whatever. I even met a Japanese guy who's lived here in the States for loong time, it brought me back to Japan when we were having dinner. We are so much alike we just had to laugh abotut it. Neat freak, sweaty hands (though he had the glands cut off so it'll stop), kind of a loner, those were the main ones I noticed. Though we have a running joke that he calls me Mistress now. Not his, but the very first 'date' I had few years back. Lord, I never really thought of it that way. Amazing how you meet someone and they make you see things in a different way. But then, that's what the others for.
Anyway, hope everyone a good week. And wishing you happiness however that might be.
Happiness is a camel coat you look good in on a windy day...sipping hot cocoa when it snows... singing and dancing along to Spice Girls (yea laugh but they still make me smile)...discovering Rilkean Heart and listening to it daily...having a place to go home to after a long day.. a soft comforter to keep you warm... reading up on your favorite bloggers' update... a friend getting back to blogging.... meeting them and them showing you around to their cities, welcoming you with open arms...three minutes before I go home for the day *grins
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