All About My Mother

I stayed in this weekend for a change after having gone out the previous weekend. My friend P- called me to see if I wanted to go to Chaos for a little bit but I'm not in the zone so told him I'm just doing some chores for the evening. I'd still have to go eventually since there are still some places I want to check out, JR's and Apex. P- told me though that I probably wouldn't want to go to Apex by myself since it's real loud but guess will just see when the time comes, maybe this Friday night?

It's weird how now I think about what I did Friday night and can vaguely remember it. I might have watched Paranoia Agent, or When Harry Met Sally but the disc started skipping so ended up just stopping the movie which kinda sucked. You get into it, and 20-30 mins into the movie, you have no choice but to put it off since I would have missed a good portion if the movie if I would jumped to a few chapters. I've never seen the movie in its entirety before but yessss! oh yesss! I've seen what scene the movie is known for.

C- texted close to 2 am telling me to "Come to Chaos!" like I would do that, drive out 20 mins then the club closes at 3. I suppose I could have gone seen him but it's annoying how I texted the day before asking what his plans were and he didn't respond whatsoever. Oh well, it's not like I'm his boyfriend so he's free to do what pleases him, and choose to get in contact with me or not. I pretty much wanted to see Reno 911 but didn't have anybody to go with soo yea, I think that's what bummed me out a little.

I slept in Saturday and woke up around 1030. Did I go to the gym!? Of course not..The time it took me to get out of bed, I could have gone and back but it was one of those days where I kinda wanted to what I wanted, and not what I'm supposed to, per say. I'm not really supposed to anything but that's not how life works sometimes. I got out of bed around noon, and ended up buying some phone cards online so I can call my mom. Well, I bought two cards, one for my mom and one to call my aunt who's probably a bit upset with me. She called me during work hours, and I was stressing out at work and probably shouldn't have picked up my phone, but answer away I did. It was her, and after the usual hi, how you doing? she passed it on to my 5-yr old cousin which some of you had seen when I posted her picture a while ago. Err, we really can't talk to each other much since she speaks Danish and I only know to speak Tagalog and English. After she told me how she was, I didn't know what else to say so I was just quiet on the line. Half a minute or so, you just hear someone crying and my aunt was back on the phone saying that my cousin cried since Kuya Dee (Kuya = older brother) didn't want to talk to her. Great. I told my Aunt that I'll just give her a call over the weekend which I intended to do.

I digress. I called my mom eventhough I knew it was past midnight in the Philippines already. She's house-sitting in Laguna since my grandma's left for Norway in the time being trying to get some matters taken care of before she goes back to the Phil again. My mom picked up which I was kinda glad about, since she said she was just listening to the radio. It was nice getting to talk to her again. Mainly what I was calling about was about her pending immigration to the U.S. I was checking if she's made an appointment with the hospital to get her physical done and some shots. She said that the Embassy will be the ones who'll set that all up as far as what day to go to the doctor, etc. I'm relieved it's almost done since it's been two years since we submitted the paperwork.

From then on, it just kinda stemmed out into other things. We got to talking about where she's gonna stay and such. I told her that it'll be better for her to just go to Florida and stay with my aunt while she's getting aclimated with the new country she's gonna be living in. I think my aunt would prefer that as well, since she really doesn't have any other family nearby, well my uncle's family's maybe two states away but it's still not the same. My aunt, who didn't set foot in Manila until after having been gone for 15 years. I don't think I could go that long without seeing my family. I tell them that heh, I'll see you when i see you but they know better than to believe that I guess. I'm a family man by heart. You see, we're all spread out in the world. Have two aunts that live in Europe, one in Florida, and my mom and the rest of the family back in the Philippines. My dad's side of the family doesn't count since they're virtually unknown to me until about a year or so ago. Having grown up surrounded by maybe 15 people, then dwindling down to about 4, then living all by myself was a major adjustment I had to do. Boy, was it rough! Not getting the much needed hugs and kisses from the family.

Getting back to my mother, she was talking about us living together once she comes here. I jokingly told her that that's just not gonna happen. I know it sounded harsh but we kinda were in the same situation back in 2005 when I was living in Japan. It was my last year there after being stationed at the base with the Air Force. I had my mom come to Japan since that way, she can come to the US with me, without having to wait years for the petition papers. She got there around February and was gonna live there until December during which I'm getting sent back to the States, as to where, I didn't know at that time. It was great, ya know. It's finally happening, this is it!

In one of my older posts, I've talked about how it was like for me growing up. With moving to the US, it was a ticket out for a better future for myself. However, at that time I came here, it wasn't even about that. All I really cared about was to meet my dad and nothing else which I think to a certain extent limited my dreams. After that happened, I just didn't know where to go from there. I really didn't envision living in the US, prior to that, I remember talking with my friends about us living together when we go to college. Moving to the states was just a notion that was distant from me. I've sorta accepted my fate, as much as I was questioning God, and life in general, there was nothing else I could have done. Thinking how the world would have been better off without me. My mom would have gone to Japan like she said she was going to before having met my dad, she would have had a good life etc. I know she loves me and all but hearing that growing up, I can't help not to feel responsible for all the things that happened....good and mostly the bad stuff.

We ended up living with her parents until I was about 14. In exchange of living with them, she did mostly all the household chores, cleaning, cooking, amongst other things. Well my grandad that passed away was a merchant marchine and eventually got a Norwegian citizenship. Through that, my youngest aunt and my grandma got to move there after he retired. He went back to the Philippines, and my mom was much pretty much acting grandma at that time. She fulfilled my grandma's duties. Well not all, PERV! In exchange of that, we stayed at their house and they pretty much supported us, roof over our head, clothing, and food, something my father was supposed to provide, not even for us, but for me at least. The financial support pretty much stopped after he got out of the Navy which was 1987, four years after I was born. During that time, I was in either kindergarten or nursery, I always forget which comes first. Ok, this is something I was let on way later. After my class, I remember me and my mom usually going to a church nearby the school. Ok, she told me that the reason that we went there was that so we wouldn't spend that much time in the house. Thing is some of the family is ashamed of her for having a son out of wedlock, let alone with a foreigner. I'm glad to an extent that I knew who my father was, coz there were some amerasian kids who didn't know their father at all. All their mom knew was the guy's first name and nothing else. My parents did live together and what not, so I can say that there was love between them. I've heard the stories and seen the pictures.

My dad and my stepmom visited around 1986 and that was pretty much the last I saw of him. Of course, just being two I don't remember any of it though funny thing is, my very first memory was with my dad at a swimming pool. They told me it was some resort around where the Navy base was that they, my mom and my aunts, met up with my dad and stepmom. After that visit, that was pretty much the last of it as far as seeing my dad. Can you see why I wanted nothing more?

Growing up, I've seen first hand the abuse my mom went through. For the life of me, I can't fathom why she just didn't up and left my grandparent's house and start over some place else. Well mostly verbal abuse from my uncle and grandpa, and a slap here and there, or a punch in the face. It was directed at my mom, they never touched me and I remember just sitting there, and thinking Why are they doing this to her? Of course, I was a child and I could not have done anything. This usually happened when those two men got drunk, they'd barge in the house 2, 3 in the morning just screaming. I think that's why I'm too jumpy up to this day. At times, we'd sneak out of the back door and head over to a neighbor's house or to a nearby relatives'. Then, tip toeing around 6 in the morning so I can get ready for school. I can laugh about it but now, but I remember us getting chased down in the street, and taking refuge in a neighbor's house. They are one of our close friends few doors down, and me and my mom would be hiding behind the front door while the lady talks to my drunken grandfather telling him to let the mother and child be. This went on 'til I was about 14 when we finally moved out and got our own place but this was something to due to a different family drama. Pretty much those other times, we'd stay at a relatives' for a little while, then my mom decides to come back. One time, we finally got a place. Granted it was like 3 blocks away from the house it was our own. The conditions weren't the greatest, okay it was about 10' by 11' room which didn't have any windows whatsoever except for a square opening that really doesn't give you any view. When you peek out of it, all you can see is a canal between two houses, with rats! Hahaha, some even bigger than a kitten. Being a kid, I just laughed and got excited seeing them. Right above us, there were maybe three prostitutes that lived in that room. That's a harsh word, but they were really good people. Way I'd make money is I'd get them some bath water and they'd give me some change. Nice. This didn't last long either. My grandma went home from Norway, and after they had their talks and such, my mom and I went back to live at their house again.

If you would have passed me by, you wouldn't even know that all of these were happening. Keeping it all in, not having anybody to talk to. I questioned the existence of God (being raised Catholic). Asking him, why'd my life have to be this difficult? Why can't it be like the other's? Something simple. A home with a mother and a father, is that too much to ask? A dad who would have cared enough to visit? One can't help not to feel angry sometimes. I didn't lash out on the world. I didn't take this out on anybody, I internalized it all in, I think a little bit too much. I didn't act out and failed my classes, didn't resort to drinking or any sort of substance abuse. I did great in school, earning honors and awards, being part of quiz bee's and the school newspaper, being part of the dance company and even the junior police. To be honest, I'm not really sure who I did all those for. Maybe for my dad, getting him to acknowledge me and be told that I'm proud. Or maybe to show my family and to the other people that I did good for a fatherless child. Maybe for my mom, to show that her sacrifices weren't in vain. Or maybe I did it just because, no rhyme or reason. I'm not one who seeks out competition so that can't be 'competetiveness' either. I really could care less who the number one is.

When we talk about this, my mom would say how she's really glad I was understanding about all of these. I knew my place in the world, and I really wasn't demanding either. I knew what I can or can't have so just kept my mouth shut since I know I can't have it anyways even if I would have asked so I just didn't. Like she told me, be grateful for what you get. Through her, I saw that you can't make anyone responsible for what you want.

After having left the Philippines, I did two years of high school and joined the military two months after graduation. At that time, it felt like it was the right thing to do. There were different motivations as to why I did. One was to be able to help my mom out. During that time, that was really my main motivation, was to better her life. I wasn't even thinking of me. When I think back, I find it kinda odd that I was really afraid about life after high school, I joined the military instead of going to school. Guess I wanted to make money and send her some which was back then felt like the right thing to do. At first I didn't mind, but sometimes I can't help not to think how I'm a single guy, and I don't get to keep my paycheck to myself.

During these time, living alone in a foreign land, all these supressed emotions and questions crept in on me. Just being there in my room, alone in my thoughts got to be too overwhelming at times. I coped the best I could, though it probably wasn't the best way in some instances. At the time, it felt like it was the right thing to do however. I had to sort through this alone, finding the answers I need to find.

I got to hear my dad's side of the story as well. I don't even remember what his responses were, but it seemed silly sometimes. He never visited since he doesn't like to fly. I thought that was dumb, if I had a son somewhere, I sure as hell would do everything I could to see him. Or write him a letter or call him. Something to cling on to when the life gets to be too much to take. Being that far away, that's all I could really have. It's not enough to hear one say I love you, but never backing that claim up. I needed to feel it, enough to where I could believe it. Not to be left wondering whether I'm that unloveable. Of course, now I realize that that isn't true. I had love all around me but I got too busy trying to illicit those words from my dad, that I made him proud.

He and my mom actually had an agreement that I was gonna come live with him in the US when I turn six years old. My mom changed her mind since she got scared that she might not see me again. She kept me. My dad, he told me he didn't want to go and take me away from her since he didn't want me to hate him because of it. Sometimes, I get angry about all this. How different my life could have been!? Maybe a bit easier? Seeing my brother, I can't help not to wonder hey that could have been me. Going to school, taking piano lessons. I'm just jealous sometimes.

With my mom living in Japan with me, the military got us an apartment and everything. Air force is good. She got on my nerves though about her constant complaining. Food here sucks, it's too cold, I'm not eating that. It just got to me, so she ended up just going back to the Philippines. During this time, what pained me was it made me question about my decision joining the military in the first place. Her and the family won't shut up about petitioning her, and when I did, that's how she acted!? I was one angry airman. After that, it didn't feel good about helping them anymore. It felt like a burden when I know it shouldn't be. I just hated it, I'm single yet it feels like I'm married.

She complains and complains about the condition in the Philippines, but I sit there thinking, what if I didn't petition you? What then? What's gonna happen to you? It's nice to dream about going to the US, but I don't think one should just wait around for that day to happen and not do anything else. I can't help not to feel like I'm just a ticket for a better life abroad. I love her and all but still...

After this whole Japan incident, I just don't see my mom in the same light any longer. I realized that she's the one responsible for the life she had. She would say that she did it all for me which to an extent is really true. I am grateful, but with hearing that, it worries me sometimes that I'll do things out of guilt rather than love. During our conversation, she's making all these plans with me in it. I kept telling her Think about you and your husband, 'ma. I try to make her see that I'm out of the picture in a sense, that we can't go back to the days where the three of us are living in the same roof. I told her I love you, but I just don't see it happening. Please understand that I'm my own person now and things aren't like they used to. I was getting choked up since it made me want to go back to those days when all I needed was her love and believe when she says Everything's gonna be alright.

She's a great person, she gives love freely without expecting anything in return, she remembers all the important dates, she has keepsakes for special occasions. I don't think I give her enough credit sometimes, usually calling her crazy which she is. But hey, if it wasn't for crazy, here I wouldn't be.