Call me Miguel

I told my coworkers to start calling me that since another guy just started working at the Helpdesk has the same name as I do. I can't go by my last name either since another tech has a name that just sounds like it though his is -an insted of -en. These two guys I was in the same class with called me Miguel for reasons I would never know. I asked one of them, why call me that and he told me I just looked like a Miguel, like that explains it but I got used to it so maybe will start having people call me that. Or I could go with Topher but I've only been called that by one person in my lifetime.

I might have forgotten to mention that I almost got a ticket the previous weekend. I was trying to get to my M-'s hotel and I ended up making a left turn from the middle lane when I shouldn't have. The roads here can be confusing. I didn't realize there was a cop on my left side and sure enough, she got behind me in no time. That's when I realized my mistake so just went ahead and pulled over to the side of the street. Before whenever I passed by people who are stopped, I used to think sucka! Won't be doing that again! I was kinda laughing since I can't believe what was happening. She came up to by my window and asked me if I knew the reason she stopped me, and I just said, I made a left turn from the middle lane? She explained to me how I wasn't supposed to, where I could make turns from, etc and I just nodded with that what you're saying is interesting look on my face. I did know it was my fault so I know better than to stir things up with a cop. Oh no you dien't!! She ended up just giving me a warning, which I was glad about.

Aside from that, it's been quiet. Been working, then hit the gym and go home mostly. I'll admit not having friends get to me on some days, but guess I'll have to just wait and be more patient. I'm trying to find ways to meet people, will start volunteering more, and just be more outgoing, or try to. I'm kinda seeing C- but I don't know, I'd see him like every few weeks so that doesn't count. I'd seriously take friends any day over than getting into a relationship. It'll be nice to have a boyfriend, but friendships are longer lasting. Either way, I'm TRYING not to let it get to me. It gets frustrating sometimes but am trying not to. When it feels like I'm sinking, I just try to find ways to fight it. Like this Wednesday, the night before it was the first time I got to sleep for eight hours, and I was more tired than I have ever been. I didn't feel 'right' after I left work, and got home and showered to wash the feelings away. Didn't help much either so stepped out for a while and just caught a movie. Saw Dreamgirls since I've been meaning to see it since Christmas time with some guy. I liked it, this was the first time I watched a 'musical' at the theater. I wanted to see what the fuss was about and yes, it was a good movie indeed.

I also met someone at a bookstore. I stopped at Border's back on V-day to pass the time and a guy sat across from me and made a little conversation. At first he asked if it was my cup sitting on the table, and told him no, it wasn't. I was nibbling on my Baskin and Robbins ice cream at the time. I went to the mall after I got off work, and ended up just getting a pizza for dinner when I was supposed to be at the gym *grin I picked up this really interesting book by Osho and figured I'll just read it for a bit since I didn't want to buy it since it's not as new as it should be. He started asking about the coffee shop and I really didn't know since I've never bought anything from it, and from there, we ended up talking. Found out where he was from, were his family is, though I don't recall what exactly he did. He's 33 but I thought he was about the same age as I am. We exchanged numbers but will see, I think he's straight but regardless, that was nice getting to strike up a conversation with a stranger. When my mom used to do that, I'd stay a few feet away from her since it embarrassed me how she can get into lengthy coneversations with people we come across, in the bus, at the mall, wherever. She doesn't run out! Boy, do I miss her sometimes.

She knows about me now, I came clean this past summer though she cried a bit, not so much because of it but that I kept a part of myself hidden from her. She felt that she missed out that I haven't confided this to her the longest, about getting my heart bruised, crushes, etc. Either way, she knows now though sometimes I think she wished things were different. She mentioned that she wanted to see how her grandkids would have looked like, etc. Sometimes I wish it was too, it would have been much simpler. But it isn't and nothing can really change that.

I guess with the Aunt that I've been talking with, I have a feeling that she knows. She was telling me how this or that cousin is gay, but she loves them nonetheless. My ears got really warm after hearing that, and I think if I sensed that she knew, she probably does. She's said something to that effect before as well, that my cousin told her something about me but that it's not gonna change anything. So that, just thought about it I guess and wanted to put it down to words. Maybe I'll make that NY trip come next month, it's been almost a year since I went there for the first time and I sure do miss it.

Either way, just thinking about the family made me smile. I came across a post right before I went to bed and it made me cry and laugh thinking about what happened last summer. Guess I carried the thoughts over since it was the last thing on my mind as I went to bed. I'm glad I have them, since really sometimes, love alone is enough.