I love you no shit..

Those were the exact closing words of my mom when she wrote me back just now. It made me laugh and thought it'll be a good title for my entry since I suck at coming up with them.

As some of you are aware, I'm trying to petition her to come to the U.S. After two years since we submitted the papers, it's in its final stages and she got an interview set up with the embassy. After that, she'll be issued her visa and she'll be all set to come here. I don't think we'll run into a problem so she should be stateside very, very soon. She'll be staying with my aunt in Florida though, since I don't think I'm ready to live with her again, or will be ever. We get along great and everything, but things have changed.

I'm happy that she'll finally get to come here, but I think it'll be more of a relief more than anything. It's like it was just expected of me to petition her after having moved to the US. I get angry about over it sometimes since it seemed like she just waited for that day to come. I wonder what if my dad had not petitioned me, what then? What would have become of us? There's a lot of things that came into play and maybe I can put it down into words one day. I've spoken to some of you about it and thank you so much for lending an ear, just sitting at the park and talking. That meant a lot.

That it's okay to feel what I feel, that there was nothing wrong feeling burdened by it all sometimes, like I am carrying the earth on my shoulders. I made the decision to join the military so I'd be able to help my mom out. Back then, it seemed like it was the 'right' thing to do. Ya know, helping them out as a way of saying thanks for all she's done. That changed the past four...almost five years now. I was in turmoil about trying to make sense of the past, trying to shed light over how things happened the way they did. Most of it happened during my stay in Japan and sometimes I feel like I missed out on not being there completely.

I wish it would have been different but I can't go back to the past, I can only look back and learn from it. It's all part of the process I suppose, I can say that I'm a better person because of it. I've learned a lot and am glad about that though the most important one was finally learning to love myself. Not that I'm a horrible person, I mean I did okay growing up and didn't really fuss much, did what I was told, did well in school, and didn't make enemies or anything. I think I was liked though inside I know that I didn't like me. So eventhough I wish I could have loved more when I was living in Japan, how could I possibly love everybody else but not love myself. Maybe it is for some, but not for me. I didn't want anybody to get sucked in my inner struggle so kept everyone, even my friends at bay.

That's all over now and I can say that I'm in a better place now that I was before. Getting out of the military, it feels like I'm living my life on my terms now. It feels good to put myself into consideration this time, instead of putting others before me. Now, I've kept a bit of a distance between me and the family. They can give me advice but that doesn't mean I have to do what they think is best. Even with my mom, the gaps between our talks have been longer. I used to call once a week, sometimes even a few days even, but we end up just talking about the same things which gets me angry. She usually ends up crying, which I hate, but I say things to make her realize that she can't keep blaming everybody for all the things that happened. You can pinpoint finger but what good is that gonna do? I just don't need to feel her pain any more, I have enough of my own.

I have tomorrow to think about so guess that means I should go to bed soon. What Toni Morrison said comes to mind when I think about my military experience "I wish I woulda knowed more people. I would have loved 'em all. If I woulda knowed more, I woulda loved more." And with some, I think I did eventhough I didn't realize it at that time. With the ones I've kept in contact, I do hope they know how much they mean to me. They were my family, though back then, we didn't think much of it. I know I didn't. Everybody I've ever crossed paths with also comes into play, with some it just fell on the wayside, with some I chose to end for reasons I have. There's nothing wrong with it, it's been done to me as well. People have cut ties with me as well for reasons that I will never ever know, but it doesn't mean that it's because of something I did or didn't do. They made that a choice, and I can only respect that and move on as much as it boggles me as to why it might have happened.

And to you whos' reading this, you probably come across this accidentally or might have found me after I left a comment on your post. But I hope you wouldn't just disappear without a note or a trace. It can be a one-liner even, something short saying you just don't want to go on blogging any longer. Regardless, you probably wouldn't hear me say this in person. However, to ones I've met and welcoming me to your homes, to ones who I might never get to meet yet check up on daily...

I love you no shit!