Don't forget to bring a towel!

Well, it's Friday so it's a bit quiet at least. I stumbled across the South Park Studio and made this. Wanna go get high!!?

Things That Bring Me Joy

- blast my favorite music
- wathching movie at the house with Cs
- having a home-made breakfast on Sundays
- snuggling in my blanket
- reading a good book
- drinking beer and munching on chips
- a compliment from someone
- when told I make people smile
- Cs- to go home to at the end of the day
- having my mom finally in the US
- when I don't have to think about what I'm making for dinner
- having Cs- rest his head on my arms when we're at the park
- singing along with Cs- when driving on the top of our lungs
- being comforted by silence
- talking to my family and friends on the phone
- reading up about my friends' lives
- meeting a blogger in person
- coldstone ice cream
- getting moved to tears by Rilkean Heart
- Spice Girls ( yea, yea, I admit to this)
- watching my fave shows on DVD ie. Strangers with Candy, Arrested Development, amongst others
- bloggers going to mine and actually commenting
- getting to live here in DC
- having a decent job and coworkers I love
- smiling at strangers
- when I look good hahaha!
- getting to see Keane in concert
- eating cookies and cream
- a kiss from Cs-
- Cs to hug when I feel a bit off
- being free to decide
- being loved despite of
- doing good for others and not be found out
- being alive, eventhough I get times where I'd prefer the alternative

Good grief

It's been almost two months since my mom applied for her SSN, and we haven't received it yet. We came by the office and tried showing them that they have her green card showing she's eligible to work in the US. They said they'd have to wait from the Dept of Homeland Security and all we can do is wait. It kinda sucks since she started training at Shoppers this past Tuesday but today, when she went to attend another session, she was told they'd have to put it on hold until she gets her SSN. It sucks but nothing we can really do. And to think, she's all excited about working but now, I'm trying to find things for her to do. Volunteering at the most since she can't work period.

Aside from that, everything's been good otherwise. I'm improving on the opening up aspect with my loved ones. Last night, Cs- and I were just sitting on the couch talking. Had his head on my lap and just stroking his hair, and just talking with whatever comes to mind. Things that I've done, what my motivation was behind them, amongst other things.

I actually dozed off while we were watching Family Guy, then woke back up and then minutes later, mom called. I was gonna have her spend the night at our place, but she didn't get in 'til 7 pm after spending the day with some folks she met. They went to a church out in NW DC which I've never gone to but she said it is lovely. It's a basilica of some sort. Ended up being on the phone for three hours while I did the dishes, organized the fridge, and swept and mopped around the apartment. Touched up on a lot of things, family, homosexuality, change, acceptance, topics that just randomly come up in our heads. I've opened up enough to where I explained to her how hurt I was of some of her actions, and vice versa. I told her that the month of July was just awful that I'm glad it's over. It really was that two days before my birthday, I had to go behind a scaffolding and just cry it all out for a good 10 mins. God it was awful. It wasn't really something I wasn't blogging about it either so just having to holding it all in and having nowhere to run to, it all came rushing that one morning.

Things have gotten better and who knows what tomorrow will bring really. D-man, thanks for the grain of wisdom. I sure used that during the convo, telling my mom that I'm not responsible for her happiness :) I think she got it though that it comes down to her whether she chooses to be happy or not. From what I've read, it mentioned how one should strive to be happy, because if you wake up and you're not, there's something to be done about that. I don't think we were born into this world to endure pain and suffering, I know shit happens, but it's up to us to find things that bring us joy. Easier said than done but hey, we weren't born with a handbook.

That's about it really. Thinking of joining a kickball league on the weekends, just something to do and considering I missed playing the game. Ah, the good ole days. Playing kickball wearing flip flops, and at times when you miss kickingng the ball, it'll be the flip flop flying in the air, not the ball like it oughta. Oh De, where have you gone?

Return to innocence...

It'll be a month today since my mom arrived here in DC and this pic was taken when we got to the apartment.

Last Thursday, the bf and I went over to my friend/coworker V's house. I was supposed to meet up with a friend but I ended up cancelling and just chose to go to V's. They live about 20 minutes away so it wasn't too bad of a drive. I got to meet her family, mom, dad?, brother and her son that just came back from Georgia I believe. It was nice just spending time with them, laughing, chatting, and eating, things I normally do with my family. V's son is adorable, I can see why she missed him so much. It's cute how when we just got there, he just looked at us and really didn't talk to us until after V- introduced us to him.

She told us that he doesn't talk to strangers but since she introduced us, it's all good now. It's funny how he grabbed mine and Cs- hands and took us around the house to show us around like he has known us for a long time. I went to a kid mode and played with him for a bit, running around the house playing a zombie, a power ranger even. Later on, we just had dinner and they made banana pudding for dessert and man, it was goood. Last time I had some was back in 2003 so it sure was a treat. I really enjoyed their company and I was goofy enough that while putting some in my plate, V asked me if I liked it. I said that No, I don't really like it much while grabbing the big spoon and putting even more servings on my plate. Hey, it was good and I can't help it. It really was nice, though during the time there, a bit of sadness came over me. Sitting there, it made me miss my family since that's how we are when we get together. It's been a little bit over a year since I last saw them, and as to when the next time will be, I do not know.

I didn't get to see my mom this weekend since I got lazy and when I called her, she didn't pick up which means she's out and about. I'll go see her today after getting off though so looking forward to that. It hasn't changed much, when we talk on the phone we'd fight one minute, cry the next then laugh before you know it. Last night, she called around 11 and I ended up talking to her for an hour and a half, and to think she's only 20 minutes away! We just touch on the same things, family, loneliness, new beginnings. She's making strides though, barely a month here and she's made friends already while I on the other hand, took months.

Sometimes she'd say while crying that she wants the old Kris back, and I ask her which Kris exactly was that!?
She says I've changed so much which I agree but I tell her that after having lived by myself since I was 18, I had a lot of time to think over things. I'm working on making peace with everything that has happened, though the times when it all comes rushing back, I tend to lash out on people that I love. I guess with family ya know or wish in your heart, that they wouldn't stop loving you regardless. She feels that I don't love her any longer so instead of not telling her about this old dedication, I went ahead and e-mailed her the link. I don't think she'll know where to go after reading that post so don't think she'll actually read my blog. Or am I just misunderestimating her?

Anyway, heading home soon and will spend some time with mom and the bf. I know it doesn't sound like I am but am happy today. Who knows what tomorrow will be like but at this moment, I'm smiling and thankful for everything that's happened.

Been listening to this song a lot lately and makes me cry a bit Don't be afraid to be weak Don't be too proud to be strong Just look into your heart my friend That will be the return to yourself The return to innocence

The past few weeks

Ok, I really haven't updated since last month. I've posted but it really didn't tell much since I've posted mostly songs or clips. As I've mentioned in an entry in July, my mom moved here to the DC area. I think I jinxed it when I said life was falling right into place, since it sorta turned into shit days after and it's just getting back to normal.

I really won't touch up on it since sometimes I wonder how it just went downhill days after I wrote that last post. It's been crazy but whether I see it as good or bad wouldn't matter since things happen.

It has been a mix really. I've been happy, sad, angry, confused and felt lost but I'm managing okay now. Things just got the best of me. Having to balance with my mom being here, and with the bf, it just felt like I had nowhere to go.

Mom's adjusting more now though and I think she's starting to accept that things won't be like they used to be. She came here thinking it'll just be like in Japan where we lived together and all. It's mostly fear though. When we talked about it one time, she was just saying that what she has feared the most is happening. That I'm gonna have someone else and not love her but I told her that it wasn't the case.
Even the family had a talk to her though how before, she was in the Philippines, she wanted to come to the US. Then she got to Florida, she wanted to be in VA closer to me. And now that she's here, she's not happy since we're not living together.

I'd have to say she's making strides though. She's been meeting people from groceries, stores and such. She'd spot a Filipino and end up chatting with them, and all. One time I talked to her, she made a snide comment how the couple she knew and her are in the same boat, abandoned by their child. I just had to bite my tongue and not say anything since I try to do good by her and she would say such things. I know she felt abandoned by the way things were when she came but I told her from the git go that it's different now.

Ok, Cs- and her have gotten along okay, and on my birthday I saw that my mom made effort to be cheery throughout. She's a fun woman to be around with, but when she whines I tend to forget the things I love about her and just makes me want to get away from her.

The bf and I have had rough spots as well. It felt like we've lived a lifetime already. I still have things I'm dealing with internally but I'm trying my best to be a good bf. Now though that love is standing in front of me, all these doubts and insecurities I have about myself creeps in sometimes. What is there to love about me? Why would someone want to be with me? Those kind of questions.

The weekend was good. Friday afternoon, I got an e-mail from a friend, Deb inviting me to her birthday. I've only hang out with her once so we really don't know too much about each other. It was great though, we went to Cap City Brewing Co and had a bite to eat and some drinks. I ended up giving her The Reader. I thought it was a really good book, and in an e-mail once she mentioned that we have the same taste with movies and books so kinda took a chance on this one but am glad she's loved it, per her e-mail. I met a few of her friends as well, her bf and even her brother. I spoke with her bro for a bit and we touched on music, school, amongst other things. The talk with him made me reconsider my options once again.

Before meeting up with Deb, the bf and I actually saw The Ten. It only came out in selected theaters and that movie is a riot! They made short stories for each of the Ten Commandments, and it was hysterical. It involved naked men, puppets, the lying rhino and even Jesus, or should I say Hesus. After the dinner and drinking with Deb, I met up with the bf and our friend and just went dancing for a bit at this club called Aqua. It was fun, I had a few drinks and just danced to a few songs. The drinks didn't get me drunk much, bummer hahaha !

Gotta do work but will come back for more later. Wow, it felt good to write again!

Oh really.....

Your past life diagnosis:
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I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern South India around the year 1075. Your profession was that of a digger, undertaker.
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Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Person with huge energy, good in planning and supervising. If you were just garbage-man, you were chief garbage-man.
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The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
You are bound to learn to understand other people and to meet all difficulties of life with a joyful heart. You should help others by bringing them a spirit of joy.
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Do you remember now?

You Hoboken

How can I have missed this on TV...

It's De talking

Sooner or later, I have a feeling I will be found out by family and friends. I've been debating whether to change how I go about going things as far as what I write about, but decided I'll stick to what prompted me to write this blog.


I know it might come off odd since I'm a quiet guy in person and doesn't like talking about my feelings, yet turn right around and pour it all out in my posts. It's one of those things that I know that may not make sense, and yet I won't be able to explain either if you ask me in real life. Because we have face-to-face contact, some of the things I write in here may be surprising but I hope you won't get slighted in any way. Please realize that I'm not going to tell you every little thing running through my head and be understanding about it. It's not because I don't trust you or don't want to open up to you, but there's just some things I'd rather write about to get them off of my chest. I'm just not really used to talking about it things, and blogging is my way of letting things go, so to speak. I know it seems that I carry all this pain but I think it's quite the contrary if you know me in person. I try my best to bring a little sunshine to other people's lives, whether it be a smile or a simple act of kindness. It keeps me in check, and it's my way of paying back all the strangers that has helped me along this thing called life.

I get depressed sometimes... I feel sad, lonely and hurt like everybody does. Just because I write these feelings down doesn't mean I carry them with me all day and let it eat me up (which kinda happened these past few weeks). Writing about things has helped me cope, I realized after starting this two years ago. And seeing feedback from others who have gone through some things I'm going through makes me feel better. All I ask if that you respect what I've written here as my way of venting and not use it against me by throwring it in my face or belittle my feelings.

I'll always be a work in progress, and this is a way for me to keep myself in check and to learn from things even. It helps me to remember where I've been and what I've gone through.