Things I don't like about me

Has everybody heard of the different temperaments? For those who haven't, it's a theory that goes all the way back to Hippocrates. He believed certain human moods, emotions and behaviors were caused by body fluids (called humors): blood, yellow bile, black bile, and phlegm. It just got me thinking since I've actually known about these for a while, and even gave some books as gifts trying to get a point across to people. During the time I lived with my aunt and uncle, it was hard on some days since my uncle was so serious the whole time that I remember thinking 'Lighten up, will ya!" Years later, and having lived with the bf this past year, it came to light that my uncle and I have similar personalities.

This came up since the bf and I had a fight few nights ago about things not being done in the house. I usually get upset when the bed isn't made when I get home, dishes are in the sink, etc. When this happens, instead of talking to Cs- about it, I would just be quiet and not talk to him in the time being. I forget how I hated it when my uncle didn't talk to me when we're home, yet here I am doing the same thing to my bf.

He just brought light to some things that I didn't realize I was doing which hurt him in some way. I can say that I'm pretty neat and organized at home, and usually have a system of sorts to make life easier. Even when I was in the mil, my friends used to laugh since I have a place for things. I have everything folded and I used to set Sundays as my ironing day. I'd spend part of the day ironing everything I washed the previous night. Well, not including underwear, but you know, pants, shirts, etc. I really didn't think much of it since it'll be easier for me to find something if I know where it is, rather than hunting around when you need it. Even when I was in school, I'd dump everything in my backpack out and reorganize my notebooks, books EVERY night with no fail. Have it in order as to what class we have, I was even the go-to guy since they know if they need a school supply of sort, Kris will have it.

I'm also quite particular with the kind of food I buy. I only buy Rocky Road or Cookies and Cream ice cream, just creamy Skippy peanut butter, you get the idea. There's a certain brand of wheat bread that I only eat since I've tried other ones and didn't like it. It's not so much that I'm particular, but I just like what I like. So, when I asked him to go grocery shopping, he bought bread, just not what I've been getting. I made it known that it's not the brand that I eat, but perhaps I should have waited to tell him so rather than saying it right when he's putting them away. The bread went to waste since I tried it but didn't like it so went to the store and grabbed the usual brand myself. With doing so, I've hurt him unknowingly.

Here's a site that briefly talks about the personalities. I'm a mix Melancholy/Phlegmatic, leaning more to Melancholy. I'll admit when I read my old posts, and just think Oh my god, I sound so depressed but I don't know, I'd like to think I write about the negative to let it out mainly. In person, I'm easy-going and low key. And I thought it didn't take much to make me happy, yet I'd get depressed in a heartbeat over the little things.
I'm just a walking contradiction, aren't I?

I just noticed that for both personalities, it mentioned self a lot. Selfish, self-centered, self-righteous. Actually I can be selfish when I want to. I went to an extreme once when I was younger, and had a famicom, I didn't want my cousin playing it so I hid the controller when I went to school. Well, my aunt wanted to play it but since I hid it, no one was able to. I got home and they asked why I hid it, and I really can't remember what I said or even having a reason other than not wanting anyone else to use it while I'm gone. It's funny though that I attributed some of my not-so-nice traits to being mixed rather than just for being a kid alone.

I'm not even sure what the point of this post is. I guess to shed more light about my not-so-great aspects and try to find a way to overcome it when it starts to affect relationships. With my nature, I tend to focus on the negatives and seriously forget what I like about a person. I tend not to tell them what's going on since I hate conflicts, so I just quietly take myself out of the picture, probably leaving some wondering why what happened.

I spoke to an old friend few weeks ago, someone I was friends with in high school back in the Philippines. We were really good friends, though we had some falling out a few times. We laugh about it now but one of them was because she let my other classmates use my marker without telling me. It made me mad enough to not talk to her for a week which is another thing I'm trying to work on. When I'm upset, I go about things as usual except acknowledging the person I'm upset with. I forget how I hated it when that was done to me, being in the same room with someone, yet feel as if you don't even exist, that you don't matter enough to get even a nod or anything. I did that quite a lot. I'm not sure what triggers it. I'd wake up one day and just don't feel like talking to people, or get bored so ignore folks just for the kick of it. That doesn't sound normal, and I AM guilty.

Anyway, she told me some of the things she appreciated about me. I'd buy her food when we're out and about, or just being there when she needs me. I seriously don't remember what these things were but she does so guess that's a good thing. I'm not so bad after all since she said, I'm like her first friend that made an impact to her life, and yet not even know it. I just did what I thought one would do for their friend, nothing else. I have deep concern for others, I'll do what I can to help (self-sacrificing), sensitive, and a lot of people say I'm sweet :D To be honest though, I'm boggled to this day as to how I'm sweet. I don't know what makes me one. Oh damn, mel kicking in. Shut up and focus on the good stuff! If I chose to be your friend, I'm a friend for life so the ones I've met, you lucked out haha. You can't get rid of meeee!

That's about it. I just wanted to touch up on this to bring light to my dark side and see what I can do to not become Darth Vader, kapeesh!? My bebe is a Sanguine by the way...

Let's play!

Ey, anyone else who owns a Wii? Please let me know so I can add you on mine.
Here's my Wii code: 4010-5820-8988-0733

No more cold feet....

It was a miscommunication between my dad and I over that conversation that one Friday night. I've dodged the topic since then whenever he called and ask me what's really going on. Today, something just came over me and I flat out told him that the guy that was gonna come with me is my boyfriend. He had me repeat what I told him just in case, and repeat I did. It was still a bit weird to flat out say I'm gay but I eventually did. He acted like I had a feeling he would.. I'm normally optimistic but realistic at the same time so wasn't holding my breathe on him saying he'd love me just the same, yada yada. I didn't like some of what he said so had to defend the gays haha. I didn't see our talk going anywhere so told him I'm just gonna go and hang up I did.

Here I was thinking my world would crumble if he didn't approve of me, but ya know, I ended up cracking a smile afterwards. It just hit me that what he thought didn't matter anymore as I thought it would. If he comes around great, if not I'd live *smiles* He's not obligated to keep on loving me if he doesn't want to. It's all about choices really, and sometimes people can choose to not talk to us anymore, or to continue loving us, and as much as that would hurt, we really can't do anything about it but move on. Now, one thing you have to remember is NOT to blame yourself in anyway. People do things with no rhyme or reason and you can't hold yourself responsible for it. Never forget that!

Well I'm just telling myself that since I tend to expect the worst sometimes but I'll shut up now. Thanks for the support, it does make a difference more than one would imagine. It's amazing how much blogger love there is sometimes, it makes me smile and grateful. I do love you all! Can one of you be my daddy!? Just kidding!! Or am I.....

Yours with a happy face :)

Missionary impossible!!.. Get it!?

This never fails to make me laugh when I'm feeling blue..

Cable channel.mp3

Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the stall?

Well, it's been a little over a week now and still no word from my father. I've asked my bro to see if he's mentioned anything but nada. First off, I wanted to say thanks to your comments and thoughts about this whole situation. It means sooo much to get inputs on this rather than going through it alone. At this time, I'm not bogged down about it. If he comes around, great. If not, I can't let it get to me since it's not gonna do me any good.

This pic I actually took the day after "the talk". I was feeling down that Saturday and really didn't wanna stay home so I decided to go to the National Mall to help not to remember. I spoke to a few folks I could possibly go with but with barely knowing them, I really didn't want to go through the getting-to-know conversations when all I'd want to do is let it all out and have someone to just be there.

Anyway, off to the Mall I went and I visited a few museums. Sackler, African Art, Smithsonian Garden. Just walked around as well and watched people playing, walking, talking, just interacting with each other. It was a really nice day and it was the Kite Festival as well so there were quite a few you'd see up in the sky. I offered to take a picture of a few people. One of those things I do when I feel down, doing a deed for others without expecting anything. It helps to take my focus onto something outside myself and it does help me feel better, if not completely. With the pic, I was in the bathroom as you can see with the urinal in the back and all. I take pics depending how I feel to sorta serve as a reminder about a certain point in my life. And it makes me laugh too when I make faces for a picture. Thank god nobody walked in on me. *You can click on the pic and see other ones I took

To be honest, I don't remember what I did that evening. This past weekend, C- and I volunteered at an elementary school to help paint, landscape the school. We got tasked to paint some art though which was neat. They were sorta like the iPod commercial where it's a person's silhouette in one color, and the background in a contrasting one. Afterwards, we dropped off our friend and made our way out to the Mall and went paddle boating. It was nice though I got a bit nervous when we were actually paddling around. Then, stopped at the fish market on the way home to get some crabs. Then, just stayed in.

Sunday, spent the day being lazy and cleaned some, did the laundry, washed the dishes. Went to Hooters in the evening and that was that. I've never had their wings until now..

Well that's all for now. I'm alive and well, thanks once again. *Smile*

Coming out....

My dad knows now. The way it happened was kinda sudden and I'm still digesting it all. Will write more about it soon....Now I am.

Friday night, my mom (step) called me back since we didn't get to speak a few days prior when I called her. We spoke about the usual, school, work etc, and we got to the part about my visit this summer . June 7 will be my dad's birthday, and on that same day, my brother will be graduating from high school as well. I've known about this for a looong time so it was definite that I'm gonna be coming. We got to talking about where I'm gonna stay and since she mentioned a few other family members are going, I told her I might just stay at a hotel since my friend wants to come also, that friend being C-. We just talked more about the possibilities of staying at the house, or if not where would be a good area to get a hotel, etc. So throughout the talk, my mom knew that I'll be taking a guy friend with me. She knows I'm gay actually. They, being my brother and her, got into a conversation about it one time and somehow it came up and by brother told her that I was. My brother has known about it for years when I admitted to it back in 06 during the family reunion.

Three hours later as I was about to sleep, the phone rang and when I glanced over, saw that it was my dad. Figured I'll just pick up since we really don't stay that long on the phone. He just wanted to confirm since per what my mom told him, I was gonna be bringing a friend over, except that she left out that it was a guy. He asked me, What's her name? I said, Ummm, it's not a girl.. Kris, that doesn't make sense? You're bringing a friend over and it's not a girl? I tried to brush it off by saying that technically, I wasn't really bringing my friend home. He's never been to Cali and thought it'll be nice to visit. Seconds later, the question 'Are you straight?' came up. This whole time, I've said yes eventhough I knew that wasn't the truth.

But that night, something just shifted and I just kept silent which usually means a yes, does it not? He'd ask, and I wouldn't answer and he'd go Kris!!?? 'Yea, I'm here" Are you straight!? Silence...This went on three more times before the question changed. Are you gay? (nicer way than what he said) Silence... Kris!! Yep? Are you gay!? Silence... Kris!! Yep? I'm here.. Are you gay? I wasn't gonna say yes since I didn't like the word he used, so I replied 'What if I am?' I waited for his response and he told me he's just gonna go since he don't feel like talking anymore and hanged up. I sat there in the bed stunned, trying to wrap my head around what just happened.

I couldn't even cry. I was in shock. C- eventually came by my side since he overheard parts of the conversation. All I could utter was that I guess he finally knows.. Thirty minutes later, I ended up sending a text: Dad, I really don't know how else to tell you but yea, I'm gay. Sorry for having to tell you in a text but it'll do for now... Kris

Next day was a bit awful. C- had to go to work, and initially I thought I was fine. But I just had this antsy feeling that stayed with me. And when I was taking a shower, that's when it hit me. I thought I was really over with the people-pleasing but I realized that wasn't the case. I realized that I can't be completely be honest when I'm hiding who I was. He's always told me to always tell the truth, and be honest but how I can do that with everybody if I can't even do it with the person who tells me to do so. So in essence, I've lied. I've told only half-truths and left out bits and pieces since I thought it would upset people. I've told lies to protect others when i thought that they can't handle the truth. I guess I just got tired of it, having to hide the real person that I am. I'm aware that sometimes I have to do so to protect myself but with loved ones, it just felt that it didn't have to be that way. The whole side my mom's family knows and do they care, thankfully they don't. Though I'm aware that sometimes they think it's a loss since I won't be able to have kids and lead a normal life, but then what's normal these days?

One uncle that's religious, I was surprised that he took it pretty well. It just doesn't come up when I talk to him but I know that he knows, yet loves me the same. But then, how could he have not? What 13-yr old sings and dances to the Spice Girls around his family!? Certainly not I!! Haha. My cousin told me that she already knew since I came out of my mom's vajayjay. Silly girl. But really though, people have known since I was a kid. I used to think, Shit, how the fuck did they know!? There's this saying that went If one person calls you a horse, don't pay them too much mind. If two people calls you one, you better start paying attention. If three or more does, go look at a mirror and see if you do have hay hanging out of your mouth!

It's been a few days since that talk and I've yet to hear back from him. Am I scared? Yes, I worry that this will be the end of a relationship we started building on this past 6-7 years. Does that make me sad? Oh definitely it does. Eventhough he's never really been around, I do love my dad. I think it's silly how I can love someone that I've barely been around with in my 24 years of existence. I wish I don't love him but I do and I can't help it. I guess if he chose not to talk to me again, it'll be a loss on but what can I do? I'll have to honor his choice if that's what he wants. I just hope I don't focus on not getting love from him and not realize the love that's been all around me.

In a sense, I'm thankful that despite of him not being around, god or whatever you'd want to call it made sure I have other people to love and to love me back. Not because I'm special but simply just because. I'd like to think that I'm a good person in general and being gay doesn't make me a bad person. I'm mostly telling myself this as a reassurance, that being completely honest for a start wouldn't end this relationship I have with my father. If it did, oh well what can I do but move on as much as it would hurt me. I guess I'll always have the memories and at least some pictures to keep, to remind me that my father did love me in the only way he knew how...