On Christmas Eve, I went to the midnight mass for a change. This is the first in a very long time that I attended one. We used to go when I was younger, they have what's called simbang gabi (misa de gallo in Spanish) in the Philippines where you go to mass every night starting on the 16th all the way to the night prior to Christmas if I remember correctly. That was actually the main thing as far as dinners go, when midnight strikes,that families get together and have noche buena. It's usually after dinner that kids open their presents.
One of the things that I miss was getting up early the next day, and making our rounds in the neighborhood. Us kids go to people's houses, knocking on their doors saying Mamamasko Po and the owners in turn would us give us cash money ($_$) It's also a tradition that godparents would usually buy you gifts, and I remember getting jealous since I only have 1 pair of grandparents and neither one of them lived in the country so no gifts for me. I knew better to believe in Santa Claus too hahaha. Not that I was jaded, but I never bought that. And one thing I wished wasn't really a toy or anything. If you'd read my blog, I think you'd know what my only wish was. And with the midnight dinner, of course, comes my favorite dessert of all. Leche flan, or flan, as most people in the U.S. knows it as. Egg yolks mixed with brown sugar, and milk.. yum yum...Will post some old holiday pictures up once I unpack all my things, I think I have a few I can show. There's one with me wearing a neon green t-shirt and shorts *horror..
Tonight, with it being my first Christmas in the DC area, I could have done two things. Stay home and think of just another day, or actually celebrate it in a way. Fellow blogger, One 3ye, made me think back of when I used to look forward to the Christmas season. I was getting melancholy and got teary eyed with being in a new city, not knowing too many peoople yet, and not having anywhere to go. It's not that I minded, I could have flown to Vegas, and spend time with Dad and the family, but I opted to spend Thanksgiving instead. I dunno, Vegas really didn't do anything for me last time I visited. I spent a dollar on some game I don't even remember now.
Anyway, some woman was trying to find people to go to mass with. I saw her post but was having second thoughts about actually e-mailing her. Was thinking of it being weird, going to a midnight mass with strangers but I ended up e-mailing her, and she responded. I didn't call her at once though, was still contemplating about it when I left to go to the store which were all closed. Good thing Subway was open since I was starving. Got me a sandwich, went home and ate and ironed my clothes for the mass. After getting dressed, I gave D- a call and said I'll be making my way out to DC. DC probably isn't as confusing as it was, but with it being my first time driving there, I of course managed to get lost. I was trying to go downtown, and ended up in Chevy Chase, MD which was just right over the border. There I was thinking Am I supposed to drive through this town? so I pulled over and gave D- a call. She was really helpful though as far as trying to get me to get to Dupont Circle where the cathedral is located. Finally got there like 45 mins after I last spoke with D- since where I parked was about 10 blocks from the cathedral. You can see me sprinting in the streets every so often just to be sure I wasn't gonna miss the mass.
It was nice, getting to attend a midnight mass in a cathedral nonetheless. Though I think I missed part of the sermon for who knows how long [well God does lol]. I got woken up when the booklet I was holding hit the floor so yea.. Oh yea, D- was also with another girl C- and I ended up sitting next to her, and we made small talk. Just really brief since we were seated already inside. It was great overall, I was really glad I went. And after the mass ended, and we were going our separate ways, all three of us got to talk at least. Them telling me how I did good trying to find my way, after having just moved here three weeks ago. We all had the same interests as far as movies go so there were talks of getting together, and having lunch or something. I was thinking it, but it was D- that brought it up, after which C- said if we can exchange numbers too. Awesome!!! So we'll see how this will go. Funny how I always get girls' numbers. Even at a party I went to Saturday night, all those guys there and I left with a girl's number instead. The guys were a bit older, but still.... I'm not a big fan of parties, but kinda forced myself to go just because... Some guy I knew, well earlier in the day, invited me to his friend's party. I was having second thoughts at first, but my cousin urged me to go, telling me the things I usually tell her if I feel she's being anti-social. Had a bit of a drink, but it was fun. Glad I went to that one too.
Though for tomorrow, hmm, not sure yet. Might go see Dreamgirls with an acquaintance, can't say we're friends yet, if he doesn't cancel on me a third time. We were gonna go hang out but with it being his birthday Saturday and all, his dad wanted to see him at least. So we'll see how that goes. I actually didn't care much about Dreamgirls, but after seeing the preview of it Friday when watching Babel, I reconsidered. I think it was Jennifer Hudson singing but it seriously sent goosebumps through my body hearing that clip. I have no idea how that happened, but it really did.
Well, bed's calling my name so will get rested now. Here's some Filipino christmas songs:
Pasko Na Naman
Simbang Gabi
Pasko Na Sinta Ko
Merry Christmas y'all and wishing you a great year ahead!
Monday, December 25, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Be in the moment
OK, don't drink Mountain Dew when in the evening if you wanna get some sleep on time. I had two cans of it for dinner, and now I'm not sure if it's what's keeping me up or what. It's been a few weeks since I made the move, and I'm glad that I finally get to have a whole weekend off. The past two weekends, I've had to come back down to Hampton to try and take care of some things. I finally got everything moved out of the old apartment, though had some issues with the leasing office last week. Err, what happened was that I didn't give them the rent on the 1st which is normally when the rent is due since they said that the rate for December would be prorated. I dunno what got in my head that they would just bill me all together once they send me the final fee. Unknowingly, they sent me a mail on the first week of December saying that I was supposed to pay rent and I have 'til the 6th to pay rent. Well, with my moving and all my mail getting forwarded, I didn't get the letter until the 13th which was past the newer deadline they set before they'll evict me. I know I'm partially to blame for this, or maybe even the only one at point, but I got a bit angry about how all of this happened. You'd think the accounting office would have checked with the leasing office first and see what's going on, before trying to evict me. They could have called at least, instead of just assuming I'm not gonna pay and just evicting me. Not that it would matter lol, considering I wasn't living there anymore. I'm being apathetic but I'm gonna have to see whether this will affect my standing in any way. I've had to pay attorney's fee and all that junk, but oh well, it's just money. Not that money's not important, but it's not the end of the world now, is it?
With living here for about three weeks, hmm, maybe I've hang out with people like three times this whole time. First was with this guy, D- whose place I crashed at for the night when I came up here to get the lease taken care of, then Ke- an IT professional, and Go- a full time artist. During the week, I've pretty much been trying to get my room organized at least. I didn't have chest drawers or anything at first, so it was hard not having anywhere to put my things in. But now, I got a sofa bed, the chest dressers, and a desk which I'm debating whether or not to keep. It feels like it's taking up more space than it should, and considering I'm just renting a room, gonna find ways to maximize space. I'm in the process of going through my things and sorting them through and pick which to keep or just get rid of. It feels like I have too many things, and really have nowhere to put them, so yea..
Work's been good, though I'm still in the learning stages. I've slacked off here and there, not taking care of issues people called/e-mailed about until after they call again checking what the status is. I kinda zoned out since the past week, my main concern was trying to meet new folks to be friends with in the area. It hasn't gotten to me yet, since I've been busy, but now with having a full weekend here, it'll be nice to spend it with someone. It's good to be alone and all, but sometimes, interacting with fellow humans is more enriching hahaha.
I'm actually enjoying commuting. I have been since I started working and doesn't miss driving much. It's just nice to catch the bus or the metro and observe, watching how people interact, or with some, avoid contact altogether. Keeping a look out on the cute guys too, but I think where I live it's mostly family man that I've seen. Booo! I am sooo moving! If only I like moving hahaha, it's a pain doing it all by yourself. I think I took it too literally when I told the military that I'd do a DITY [Do it yourself] move, I did just that, move everything ALL by myself, with no outside help whatsoever. I was just thinking, You're an idiot for not hiring people. Well when I was getting frustrated packing. Gah, it was such a pain but that's over now, and I did me proud. My mom used to tell me how I was born here in the world alone, and so that's how it usually is. Well she used to tell me that since before, I always had this thing where I HAVE to take somebody with me wherever I go, or whatever I do. I used to equate me being out there by myself as being unloved. But I know that isn't true that just because you're out there alone, you don't have anybody in your life and how lonely that must get.
The roommate's have been good so far, I'll have three in all though the one girl hasn't started living here yet. Need to work on the cleanliness level though. I haven't had time to do a major clean up, so been cleaning up here and there. I was just thinking, Lord! How can they live like this!? Lol, but oh well, I live here now so definitely will fix the cleanliness issue. They're two good guys though, so glad about that at least. Pretty much took my chances, but don't we all, just about everyday? Just gotta have faith that everything will be alright. Still trying to figure out some things but it's all part of the process.
Since last month, I've barely spoken to the family actually. Trying to work on that since with some things, you have to force yourself to do even when you really don't want to. There were some things said to each other when there was really a need for it. Well, my thoughts about the whole mother issue. I love her and all, but I can't help not to question some things anymore. I'm trying to make peace with everything, though with doing that, I feel the need to at least distance myself from all the drama, and start focusing on me. Not that I haven't been, but my dad thinks I oughta . Think about the future son, which I really haven't planned out. Shoot, I might not even be here tomorrow. But just in case I am, yea I need to start planning more :D
I ramble on and on.. Oh, with the commute too, there was actually a blind guy that got on. I admire them, making their way around with the help of the guide dog if that's what those pets are called. Anyway, I just stared there in awe when the dog was guiding the man to the seat in the bus. The man got to sit down, and the dog did the same on the floor of course, in front of the guy and just looking out the driver's view. I seriously wanted to just grab the dog, and hug it. The dog had it's back to where I was sitting, but I dunno, the way that it just sat there, with it's ears down, like it's in a deep thought, 'knowing' what his (or her) purpose was. The love, you can just sense it, if what I'm saying is making sense. It made me smile to have been a witness to something like this.
With living here for about three weeks, hmm, maybe I've hang out with people like three times this whole time. First was with this guy, D- whose place I crashed at for the night when I came up here to get the lease taken care of, then Ke- an IT professional, and Go- a full time artist. During the week, I've pretty much been trying to get my room organized at least. I didn't have chest drawers or anything at first, so it was hard not having anywhere to put my things in. But now, I got a sofa bed, the chest dressers, and a desk which I'm debating whether or not to keep. It feels like it's taking up more space than it should, and considering I'm just renting a room, gonna find ways to maximize space. I'm in the process of going through my things and sorting them through and pick which to keep or just get rid of. It feels like I have too many things, and really have nowhere to put them, so yea..
Work's been good, though I'm still in the learning stages. I've slacked off here and there, not taking care of issues people called/e-mailed about until after they call again checking what the status is. I kinda zoned out since the past week, my main concern was trying to meet new folks to be friends with in the area. It hasn't gotten to me yet, since I've been busy, but now with having a full weekend here, it'll be nice to spend it with someone. It's good to be alone and all, but sometimes, interacting with fellow humans is more enriching hahaha.
I'm actually enjoying commuting. I have been since I started working and doesn't miss driving much. It's just nice to catch the bus or the metro and observe, watching how people interact, or with some, avoid contact altogether. Keeping a look out on the cute guys too, but I think where I live it's mostly family man that I've seen. Booo! I am sooo moving! If only I like moving hahaha, it's a pain doing it all by yourself. I think I took it too literally when I told the military that I'd do a DITY [Do it yourself] move, I did just that, move everything ALL by myself, with no outside help whatsoever. I was just thinking, You're an idiot for not hiring people. Well when I was getting frustrated packing. Gah, it was such a pain but that's over now, and I did me proud. My mom used to tell me how I was born here in the world alone, and so that's how it usually is. Well she used to tell me that since before, I always had this thing where I HAVE to take somebody with me wherever I go, or whatever I do. I used to equate me being out there by myself as being unloved. But I know that isn't true that just because you're out there alone, you don't have anybody in your life and how lonely that must get.
The roommate's have been good so far, I'll have three in all though the one girl hasn't started living here yet. Need to work on the cleanliness level though. I haven't had time to do a major clean up, so been cleaning up here and there. I was just thinking, Lord! How can they live like this!? Lol, but oh well, I live here now so definitely will fix the cleanliness issue. They're two good guys though, so glad about that at least. Pretty much took my chances, but don't we all, just about everyday? Just gotta have faith that everything will be alright. Still trying to figure out some things but it's all part of the process.
Since last month, I've barely spoken to the family actually. Trying to work on that since with some things, you have to force yourself to do even when you really don't want to. There were some things said to each other when there was really a need for it. Well, my thoughts about the whole mother issue. I love her and all, but I can't help not to question some things anymore. I'm trying to make peace with everything, though with doing that, I feel the need to at least distance myself from all the drama, and start focusing on me. Not that I haven't been, but my dad thinks I oughta . Think about the future son, which I really haven't planned out. Shoot, I might not even be here tomorrow. But just in case I am, yea I need to start planning more :D
I ramble on and on.. Oh, with the commute too, there was actually a blind guy that got on. I admire them, making their way around with the help of the guide dog if that's what those pets are called. Anyway, I just stared there in awe when the dog was guiding the man to the seat in the bus. The man got to sit down, and the dog did the same on the floor of course, in front of the guy and just looking out the driver's view. I seriously wanted to just grab the dog, and hug it. The dog had it's back to where I was sitting, but I dunno, the way that it just sat there, with it's ears down, like it's in a deep thought, 'knowing' what his (or her) purpose was. The love, you can just sense it, if what I'm saying is making sense. It made me smile to have been a witness to something like this.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
Life's been good....
It's 0428 and I'm awake after getting woken up by a phone call around 0300. I kinda got drunk dialled by my friend M- in our Air Force days. He lives in Washington, along with my other friend C-. As some of you were aware, I considered moving to WA right after I got out of the military. Was gonna go to school full time, and become roommates with C-. But of course, that didn't happen as I am now in Northern Va.
It's actually been good so far. I got back to Virginia Saturday night around 2230 (10:L30 pm) though I didn't get to home 'til about midnight or so since my car had problems starting. I ended up having to call the security to have them jump start it for me. Got home, and went straight to bed (if I remember correctly) since I'm gonna have to make a 3-hour drive to move to my new place. That, and pack too for I didn't do it before I left for Cali. Got up the next day, and sorted through my things and figure out what stuff I'm definitely gonna need the first week, mostly work clothes, and such. I'll admit, I was getting stressed since I had all the time in the world and waited the last minute to pack my things. My plan was to leave first thing in the morning, but I didn't get to leave til about 4 in the afternoon. I made it to my new home around 1930 and pretty much hauled my stuff in and got my room set up. I don't have any furnitures yet, so took my air mattress with me so I'll have something to sleep on.
Thing was I didn't sleep AT ALL the night before my start date. The first day was pretty much an orientation at the company HQ. I really don't know why I couldn't sleep, I don't think I was that anxious about everything that's happening that it'll keep me up all night. The briefing was an all day event, and it went by smootly. It was really cold outside and the wind was blowing really hard too. Good thing I brought my overcoat. I finally found the jacket that I've been wanting to get. It's a knee-length camel overcoat, and I've been wanting one since 2003. Came across it at H&M so grabbed it since it was 50 % off too. Wow, guess clothes do make a difference. I felt good just walking around with it on, I felt like an exec. I can't help not to giggle when I pass by my reflection. I was just thinking Who is that staring at me? It felt like a dream, me walking around all adult-like and doing grown up things. At the orientation, I met one woman that I was gonna be working with, and she seemed pretty nice. She's a bit older, but it was nice to have a woman in the department. Since I started, she's kinda like the mother hen for us four guys that work for her. She usually calls us babe if we ask her questions, which I thought was just sweet. I got my company badge too. I thought it was just a temporary ID but good thing I smiled since it was something I'm gonna be keeping for who knows how long. Well, God does *grins but yea, maybe I'll scan it so you can see. Topher's first real world job.
It's actually been good so far. I got back to Virginia Saturday night around 2230 (10:L30 pm) though I didn't get to home 'til about midnight or so since my car had problems starting. I ended up having to call the security to have them jump start it for me. Got home, and went straight to bed (if I remember correctly) since I'm gonna have to make a 3-hour drive to move to my new place. That, and pack too for I didn't do it before I left for Cali. Got up the next day, and sorted through my things and figure out what stuff I'm definitely gonna need the first week, mostly work clothes, and such. I'll admit, I was getting stressed since I had all the time in the world and waited the last minute to pack my things. My plan was to leave first thing in the morning, but I didn't get to leave til about 4 in the afternoon. I made it to my new home around 1930 and pretty much hauled my stuff in and got my room set up. I don't have any furnitures yet, so took my air mattress with me so I'll have something to sleep on.
Thing was I didn't sleep AT ALL the night before my start date. The first day was pretty much an orientation at the company HQ. I really don't know why I couldn't sleep, I don't think I was that anxious about everything that's happening that it'll keep me up all night. The briefing was an all day event, and it went by smootly. It was really cold outside and the wind was blowing really hard too. Good thing I brought my overcoat. I finally found the jacket that I've been wanting to get. It's a knee-length camel overcoat, and I've been wanting one since 2003. Came across it at H&M so grabbed it since it was 50 % off too. Wow, guess clothes do make a difference. I felt good just walking around with it on, I felt like an exec. I can't help not to giggle when I pass by my reflection. I was just thinking Who is that staring at me? It felt like a dream, me walking around all adult-like and doing grown up things. At the orientation, I met one woman that I was gonna be working with, and she seemed pretty nice. She's a bit older, but it was nice to have a woman in the department. Since I started, she's kinda like the mother hen for us four guys that work for her. She usually calls us babe if we ask her questions, which I thought was just sweet. I got my company badge too. I thought it was just a temporary ID but good thing I smiled since it was something I'm gonna be keeping for who knows how long. Well, God does *grins but yea, maybe I'll scan it so you can see. Topher's first real world job.
The first week has been good so far. The first day went fine. I got up really early since I wasn't sure how long the commute will take. To get to work, I actually catch a bus that's right by the apartment complex where I live. Catch the Metro Bus and after that, it makes stops at a few more places before getting on the HOV lane to take us to the Pentagon station. From there, I catch the Metro to get to work. It's awesome, they have an underground mall and across the street from our building, there is even a park. It was the location that won me over too. I wanted to get a city feel where I'm working and I sure got it. Though I really haven't been eating outside because it gets really cold, and I'm still trying to get used to the cold weather. I heard it snows here too so will see. I'm getting the hang of commuting now, and it is so much better than driving to and from work. I'll be commuting unless I absolutely have to drive. I'm actually happy at this point in my life. I think being out of the military, I feel more in control now. Before, I had the family to make decisions for me. Then, when I joined the military, it was out of fear since I didn't feel like I had a way out. It's not that it was bad living with my aunt and her family, but I dunno, it's not the same living with your mom or dad. I really wanted to go back live with my dad again, but somehow I thought that everything that was happening was my doing and that I deserved even the bad things happening to me. Anyway, since I started my terminal leave on the 16th, I just had this feeling of calmness. I feel more at peace, though there's still family issues that is going on. Maybe I can talk about it later since I just wanna keep this post relevant to my move. It's been good though. I actually have had a smile on my face getting to and from work.
I have yet to explore more of the area but I'll get to those in due time. This past weekend, I went back to Hampton to pack up more of my things. I have 'til the 20th to vacate the apartment, so will take care of the rest this upcoming weekend. Eventhough I ended up spending the night there, I really didn't get to do much. Just sat there, or laid around just thinking a whole lot of nothing. The Christmas spirit even caught me, and I was there donwstairs, laying down in the carpet around midnight, with a Bacardi in one hand and listening to some Christmas music. When the Jackson 5 song, Give Love On Christmas Day came on, it's what got me. I cried a bit just listening to it. I'm not really sure why, but guess it just happens sometimes. After that though, I was laughing like a hyena, watching some America's Funniest Home Videos clips. I also checked out some Wii clips, and playing one seems really exciting. I think I might get one eventually. I'm trying to get my dad to get me one, so will see. I was saying it in a joking way, but it'll be neat if he does get me one. He's called a few times just to check up to see how I was doing so that's really quite something. It's a complete turn around from not getting a letter, or even a call from him.
Anyway, why am I telling you all this? Just kiddin. Good thing I'm wide awake right now, eventhough I slept like four hours this morning. That was really unexpected and I'll admit it made my day. That was really random, but they said they were chatting and I came up in the convo, so they figured they'd wake me up and have me join in. It made me miss hanging out with them. It seemed like it was yesterday we were all living in the same building, then now we're across the continent. They're trying to get me to visit so I just might...maybe next month!?
I'm still trying to get caught up with the things that we do here. Two days into the job and I'm answering calls already. It doesn't look like it's too bad, though I don't like it how our power is very limited and I can't help out the customer as much as I'd want to. It's too early to say, I'll give it a year and see how it goes. It's been good though so for all I know I might end up staying in this area. I also like having a Mon-Fri schedule. I can get used to that. This way, I can make commitments and not have to back out due to a schedule change or something. Do some volunteer work, take classes even, and go to the gym too. That way my abs would finally show. I never really bothered with getting a flat stomach, but from what I've been reading, it'll be good for my health. I'm sure if I do some sort of exercise, the love handles would go away. And to think I used to say how cute they were, I guess they still are as long as it's not mine. I'm okay the way I am but if there's some things that can be improved, why not?
Aside from that, gotta work on meeting new people too. I've met one guy to be friends with, but I oughta branch out more and try to meet peeps from all walks of life. There's always something to learn from everyone, I always thought. Maybe a boyfriend soon? Not that I'm looking, but if it happens that'll be grand. I got close to having one and I sure do like the feeling.
Well, hope nobody had a case of the moondays... Me going home now.
Monday, December 4, 2006
Seven years....
It's 0407 and I'm supposed to get up about an hour for now to start a new page in this so called life. My plan was to get to sleep around 10 or 11 last night, yet here I am. I actually just got back last night from California, and I really can't say it's jetlag coz I thought that only worked flying from one country to another, no!?
It's been a week since I last posted and there's much that has happened eventhough we we didn't do much. Me and the family really didn't go anywhere aside running errands here and there, going to the store, pick up some groceries, taking my brother to school. At least now, I don't make it a point saying my half-brother. In between, I'd get into conversations with my dad about things that transpired pretty much ever since I was a child. I know they say we can't change the past, you gotta move on, look ahead to the future but I'm not one of those who follow those. Well, I know we can't change it, but I enjoy looking back, seeing where I came from, and trying to make peace with all the things that has happened.
I'm really happy though the way I'm sounding, it's quite the opposite. But it isn't. It's really hard to keep my post short but oh well. I need to let my story out, as to why I'm not exactly sure. Anyway, the 27th of November was a big day for me. I have a thing about celebrating 'anniversaries,' pretty much dates that mean something to me. Day I joined the military, met someone, things of that nature. Well, the 27th, seven years ago was the day I finally got to see my dad. Err, he visited when I was two or three but it really doesn't count since I don't remember anything. I do but I don't. It's weird how my first memory was with him, considering I spent my infancy and childhood with my mom and her side of the family. That was my biggest dream, to finally meet him, and when I come to think about it, I didn't know where else to go from there. It was Marilyn Manson, if I'm not mistaken, who said "When your wishes are granted, your dreams will be destroyed," and just that is what happened to me. It's not that mine were destroyed, it's more of forgetting to figure out what came next.
With that, as much as I was happy being with my new family, I was a bit freaked out. I jumped right in to school that Monday after I arrived, not even thinking of how much adjusting I'm gonna have to go through. School didn't even cross my mind when I was so anxious to leave for the US, I just thought heh, that's no biggie. School's school, no matter what. First off, I hated how I started the school year and I had to take P.E. The class really didn't bother me, but it was just playing basketball EVERYday that did me in. I HATE that sport! Or as my dad says now, it's my act of rebellion since I hated things he enjoyed, i.e. sports. I used to skip class, or if I do attend it, just walk around the court over and over. Talk to some other kids, or walk around by myself. I also didn't realize how the language would be a bit barrier. I can understand English perfect, and even can comprehend it better than the other kids. I found it ironic how those who can't comprehend it that well are all outgoing and talkative, and then you had me who was struggling a bit talking, hence having issues making friends at school which lasted 'til about I graduated from high school after moving to Florida. But that's another story.
Another thing was the identity crisis. No, it's not about whether I was gay or straight. Teehee! Being of mixed race actually came into play. Growing up in the Philippines, I really couldn't say that I was one of them since I didn't look like one. Eventhough my mom is Filipina, I really didn't fit the asian features, you know, straight hair, fair complexion since I took after my dad period. Just one look, and you'd think Oh, he's black. So with that, I think that's where my sense of not belonging kinda came into play. Some would ask me questions Why are you here? Shouldn't you be in the States since that's where you're from? Even the family would say sometime how it'll be better for me to be with my dad since the US is my homeland, things of that nature. I'm sure they didn't mean no harm, but I think hearing those words growing up, it does something to you. It makes you question things. You'll ask yourself Why did I have to be different? Why can't I just look like them? Or what it came down to was what's wrong with me. Of course, now I know there isn't any. Those feelings came into play again eventually. After moving to the US, where my kinds are haha! I kinda went through the same thing. Now, eventhough I look black, I really can't say I am one. I do look like one, but I'm Asian on the inside. It got reversed. I remember thinking Why can't I be like them? Trying not to be stereotypical but back then, I was thinking If only I dressed hip hop or listen to rap, I could be cool. Lol Up to this day, I still don't dress hip hop. I dunno, I just don't have that air, whatever that is, and I can't carry the clothes the way everybody else did. But you know that's okay, can't be someone I'm not. It's kinda funy though how at the family reunion, every one had baggy clothes, and I was thinking Gah, if only I'd have grown up here, I'd dress the same. Well actually, even my friends in the Philippines did, but I just never cared much for it.
So now, I lost the point of what this post was about. That I'm back here in Virginia? About to get ready in a bit to leave for a briefing that won't start until 0830? Yet, I'm leaving around 0645 though it's only 30 mins away where I need to be. Traffic's horrible here from what I hear, so will just play it safe and get to my destination early. I got my iPod so I can watch Seinfeld or something while I wait. I'm gonna be attending the company briefing today, then tomorrow I'll start my new job. I guess I'm anxious, and excited about things. Being the new guy which can suck sometimes. Heh, I'm not even sure if this is what I'd wanna do. Well I do, but not sure how long. I suppose I could have stayed with the military until I figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up but ummm, NO to the hell No! It's not that it's bad, it did me good too but I did my time :D
Or with what happened these past seven years, me and my dad laugh about things now? We can look back with laughter, but in between those, there's an unspoken sadness. Regret for times lost, memories we could have made. Well, actually it's my mom's fault. I was supposed to come here to the U.S. when I was six, and go back to the Philippines every summer to be with her. She got scared that my dad wouldn't do what he said he would, so she kept me. Great! Nah, just kidding. Pinpointing fingers isn't gonna do anyone any good. My dad points to my mom, she points to him, and I point to both of them! Hah! I know they tried the best they could, well my mom did, and now it's my dad's turn.
The picture above, I just got a hold of the disk version since with it being taken seven years ago, the studio doesn't proofs they can print out. Anybody know a way? I got a hold of some more pictures, ones when I visited months after I joined the military, and looking at one of them I was like damn! He and I look alike. Just about everyone we meet, first thing that comes out of their mouth was that I look just like my dad. I still don't see it, but people see a lot of things I don't. But it's better that way. My friend isn't too happy with my view on things sometimes. He said how I trust so easily, blah blah blah, but I dunno, I just have faith that nothing bad will happen, and putting my trust in the right things. Oh, that also goes with people. I think there's goodness in everybody, well not all, but you know what I mean. My friend said I'm just naive which is a cover up for stupid, but that's okay.
Anyway, whoever you are reading this, hope you have a good week ahead of you and you get enough of everything :) I'll tell more about Cali next time, getting a bit tipsy, doing touristy things, seeing the bushman even! Oh, I also saw a high school world music concert that almost brought me to tears. Man, the beauty of music from around the world. This is the song that'll remind me of this time, Over the Rainbow. I never actually listened to the whole song before until now. I haven't even seen the whole movie it was written for. Hehe. I will, I will. I promise. Just think to yourself, it's a wonderful world....
It's been a week since I last posted and there's much that has happened eventhough we we didn't do much. Me and the family really didn't go anywhere aside running errands here and there, going to the store, pick up some groceries, taking my brother to school. At least now, I don't make it a point saying my half-brother. In between, I'd get into conversations with my dad about things that transpired pretty much ever since I was a child. I know they say we can't change the past, you gotta move on, look ahead to the future but I'm not one of those who follow those. Well, I know we can't change it, but I enjoy looking back, seeing where I came from, and trying to make peace with all the things that has happened.
I'm really happy though the way I'm sounding, it's quite the opposite. But it isn't. It's really hard to keep my post short but oh well. I need to let my story out, as to why I'm not exactly sure. Anyway, the 27th of November was a big day for me. I have a thing about celebrating 'anniversaries,' pretty much dates that mean something to me. Day I joined the military, met someone, things of that nature. Well, the 27th, seven years ago was the day I finally got to see my dad. Err, he visited when I was two or three but it really doesn't count since I don't remember anything. I do but I don't. It's weird how my first memory was with him, considering I spent my infancy and childhood with my mom and her side of the family. That was my biggest dream, to finally meet him, and when I come to think about it, I didn't know where else to go from there. It was Marilyn Manson, if I'm not mistaken, who said "When your wishes are granted, your dreams will be destroyed," and just that is what happened to me. It's not that mine were destroyed, it's more of forgetting to figure out what came next.
With that, as much as I was happy being with my new family, I was a bit freaked out. I jumped right in to school that Monday after I arrived, not even thinking of how much adjusting I'm gonna have to go through. School didn't even cross my mind when I was so anxious to leave for the US, I just thought heh, that's no biggie. School's school, no matter what. First off, I hated how I started the school year and I had to take P.E. The class really didn't bother me, but it was just playing basketball EVERYday that did me in. I HATE that sport! Or as my dad says now, it's my act of rebellion since I hated things he enjoyed, i.e. sports. I used to skip class, or if I do attend it, just walk around the court over and over. Talk to some other kids, or walk around by myself. I also didn't realize how the language would be a bit barrier. I can understand English perfect, and even can comprehend it better than the other kids. I found it ironic how those who can't comprehend it that well are all outgoing and talkative, and then you had me who was struggling a bit talking, hence having issues making friends at school which lasted 'til about I graduated from high school after moving to Florida. But that's another story.
Another thing was the identity crisis. No, it's not about whether I was gay or straight. Teehee! Being of mixed race actually came into play. Growing up in the Philippines, I really couldn't say that I was one of them since I didn't look like one. Eventhough my mom is Filipina, I really didn't fit the asian features, you know, straight hair, fair complexion since I took after my dad period. Just one look, and you'd think Oh, he's black. So with that, I think that's where my sense of not belonging kinda came into play. Some would ask me questions Why are you here? Shouldn't you be in the States since that's where you're from? Even the family would say sometime how it'll be better for me to be with my dad since the US is my homeland, things of that nature. I'm sure they didn't mean no harm, but I think hearing those words growing up, it does something to you. It makes you question things. You'll ask yourself Why did I have to be different? Why can't I just look like them? Or what it came down to was what's wrong with me. Of course, now I know there isn't any. Those feelings came into play again eventually. After moving to the US, where my kinds are haha! I kinda went through the same thing. Now, eventhough I look black, I really can't say I am one. I do look like one, but I'm Asian on the inside. It got reversed. I remember thinking Why can't I be like them? Trying not to be stereotypical but back then, I was thinking If only I dressed hip hop or listen to rap, I could be cool. Lol Up to this day, I still don't dress hip hop. I dunno, I just don't have that air, whatever that is, and I can't carry the clothes the way everybody else did. But you know that's okay, can't be someone I'm not. It's kinda funy though how at the family reunion, every one had baggy clothes, and I was thinking Gah, if only I'd have grown up here, I'd dress the same. Well actually, even my friends in the Philippines did, but I just never cared much for it.
So now, I lost the point of what this post was about. That I'm back here in Virginia? About to get ready in a bit to leave for a briefing that won't start until 0830? Yet, I'm leaving around 0645 though it's only 30 mins away where I need to be. Traffic's horrible here from what I hear, so will just play it safe and get to my destination early. I got my iPod so I can watch Seinfeld or something while I wait. I'm gonna be attending the company briefing today, then tomorrow I'll start my new job. I guess I'm anxious, and excited about things. Being the new guy which can suck sometimes. Heh, I'm not even sure if this is what I'd wanna do. Well I do, but not sure how long. I suppose I could have stayed with the military until I figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up but ummm, NO to the hell No! It's not that it's bad, it did me good too but I did my time :D
Or with what happened these past seven years, me and my dad laugh about things now? We can look back with laughter, but in between those, there's an unspoken sadness. Regret for times lost, memories we could have made. Well, actually it's my mom's fault. I was supposed to come here to the U.S. when I was six, and go back to the Philippines every summer to be with her. She got scared that my dad wouldn't do what he said he would, so she kept me. Great! Nah, just kidding. Pinpointing fingers isn't gonna do anyone any good. My dad points to my mom, she points to him, and I point to both of them! Hah! I know they tried the best they could, well my mom did, and now it's my dad's turn.
The picture above, I just got a hold of the disk version since with it being taken seven years ago, the studio doesn't proofs they can print out. Anybody know a way? I got a hold of some more pictures, ones when I visited months after I joined the military, and looking at one of them I was like damn! He and I look alike. Just about everyone we meet, first thing that comes out of their mouth was that I look just like my dad. I still don't see it, but people see a lot of things I don't. But it's better that way. My friend isn't too happy with my view on things sometimes. He said how I trust so easily, blah blah blah, but I dunno, I just have faith that nothing bad will happen, and putting my trust in the right things. Oh, that also goes with people. I think there's goodness in everybody, well not all, but you know what I mean. My friend said I'm just naive which is a cover up for stupid, but that's okay.
Anyway, whoever you are reading this, hope you have a good week ahead of you and you get enough of everything :) I'll tell more about Cali next time, getting a bit tipsy, doing touristy things, seeing the bushman even! Oh, I also saw a high school world music concert that almost brought me to tears. Man, the beauty of music from around the world. This is the song that'll remind me of this time, Over the Rainbow. I never actually listened to the whole song before until now. I haven't even seen the whole movie it was written for. Hehe. I will, I will. I promise. Just think to yourself, it's a wonderful world....
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