Seven years....

It's 0407 and I'm supposed to get up about an hour for now to start a new page in this so called life. My plan was to get to sleep around 10 or 11 last night, yet here I am. I actually just got back last night from California, and I really can't say it's jetlag coz I thought that only worked flying from one country to another, no!?

It's been a week since I last posted and there's much that has happened eventhough we we didn't do much. Me and the family really didn't go anywhere aside running errands here and there, going to the store, pick up some groceries, taking my brother to school. At least now, I don't make it a point saying my half-brother. In between, I'd get into conversations with my dad about things that transpired pretty much ever since I was a child. I know they say we can't change the past, you gotta move on, look ahead to the future but I'm not one of those who follow those. Well, I know we can't change it, but I enjoy looking back, seeing where I came from, and trying to make peace with all the things that has happened.

I'm really happy though the way I'm sounding, it's quite the opposite. But it isn't. It's really hard to keep my post short but oh well. I need to let my story out, as to why I'm not exactly sure. Anyway, the 27th of November was a big day for me. I have a thing about celebrating 'anniversaries,' pretty much dates that mean something to me. Day I joined the military, met someone, things of that nature. Well, the 27th, seven years ago was the day I finally got to see my dad. Err, he visited when I was two or three but it really doesn't count since I don't remember anything. I do but I don't. It's weird how my first memory was with him, considering I spent my infancy and childhood with my mom and her side of the family. That was my biggest dream, to finally meet him, and when I come to think about it, I didn't know where else to go from there. It was Marilyn Manson, if I'm not mistaken, who said "When your wishes are granted, your dreams will be destroyed," and just that is what happened to me. It's not that mine were destroyed, it's more of forgetting to figure out what came next.

With that, as much as I was happy being with my new family, I was a bit freaked out. I jumped right in to school that Monday after I arrived, not even thinking of how much adjusting I'm gonna have to go through. School didn't even cross my mind when I was so anxious to leave for the US, I just thought heh, that's no biggie. School's school, no matter what. First off, I hated how I started the school year and I had to take P.E. The class really didn't bother me, but it was just playing basketball EVERYday that did me in. I HATE that sport! Or as my dad says now, it's my act of rebellion since I hated things he enjoyed, i.e. sports. I used to skip class, or if I do attend it, just walk around the court over and over. Talk to some other kids, or walk around by myself. I also didn't realize how the language would be a bit barrier. I can understand English perfect, and even can comprehend it better than the other kids. I found it ironic how those who can't comprehend it that well are all outgoing and talkative, and then you had me who was struggling a bit talking, hence having issues making friends at school which lasted 'til about I graduated from high school after moving to Florida. But that's another story.

Another thing was the identity crisis. No, it's not about whether I was gay or straight. Teehee! Being of mixed race actually came into play. Growing up in the Philippines, I really couldn't say that I was one of them since I didn't look like one. Eventhough my mom is Filipina, I really didn't fit the asian features, you know, straight hair, fair complexion since I took after my dad period. Just one look, and you'd think Oh, he's black. So with that, I think that's where my sense of not belonging kinda came into play. Some would ask me questions Why are you here? Shouldn't you be in the States since that's where you're from? Even the family would say sometime how it'll be better for me to be with my dad since the US is my homeland, things of that nature. I'm sure they didn't mean no harm, but I think hearing those words growing up, it does something to you. It makes you question things. You'll ask yourself Why did I have to be different? Why can't I just look like them? Or what it came down to was what's wrong with me. Of course, now I know there isn't any. Those feelings came into play again eventually. After moving to the US, where my kinds are haha! I kinda went through the same thing. Now, eventhough I look black, I really can't say I am one. I do look like one, but I'm Asian on the inside. It got reversed. I remember thinking Why can't I be like them? Trying not to be stereotypical but back then, I was thinking If only I dressed hip hop or listen to rap, I could be cool. Lol Up to this day, I still don't dress hip hop. I dunno, I just don't have that air, whatever that is, and I can't carry the clothes the way everybody else did. But you know that's okay, can't be someone I'm not. It's kinda funy though how at the family reunion, every one had baggy clothes, and I was thinking Gah, if only I'd have grown up here, I'd dress the same. Well actually, even my friends in the Philippines did, but I just never cared much for it.

So now, I lost the point of what this post was about. That I'm back here in Virginia? About to get ready in a bit to leave for a briefing that won't start until 0830? Yet, I'm leaving around 0645 though it's only 30 mins away where I need to be. Traffic's horrible here from what I hear, so will just play it safe and get to my destination early. I got my iPod so I can watch Seinfeld or something while I wait. I'm gonna be attending the company briefing today, then tomorrow I'll start my new job. I guess I'm anxious, and excited about things. Being the new guy which can suck sometimes. Heh, I'm not even sure if this is what I'd wanna do. Well I do, but not sure how long. I suppose I could have stayed with the military until I figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up but ummm, NO to the hell No! It's not that it's bad, it did me good too but I did my time :D


Or with what happened these past seven years, me and my dad laugh about things now? We can look back with laughter, but in between those, there's an unspoken sadness. Regret for times lost, memories we could have made. Well, actually it's my mom's fault. I was supposed to come here to the U.S. when I was six, and go back to the Philippines every summer to be with her. She got scared that my dad wouldn't do what he said he would, so she kept me. Great! Nah, just kidding. Pinpointing fingers isn't gonna do anyone any good. My dad points to my mom, she points to him, and I point to both of them! Hah! I know they tried the best they could, well my mom did, and now it's my dad's turn.


The picture above, I just got a hold of the disk version since with it being taken seven years ago, the studio doesn't proofs they can print out. Anybody know a way? I got a hold of some more pictures, ones when I visited months after I joined the military, and looking at one of them I was like damn! He and I look alike. Just about everyone we meet, first thing that comes out of their mouth was that I look just like my dad. I still don't see it, but people see a lot of things I don't. But it's better that way. My friend isn't too happy with my view on things sometimes. He said how I trust so easily, blah blah blah, but I dunno, I just have faith that nothing bad will happen, and putting my trust in the right things. Oh, that also goes with people. I think there's goodness in everybody, well not all, but you know what I mean. My friend said I'm just naive which is a cover up for stupid, but that's okay.

Anyway, whoever you are reading this, hope you have a good week ahead of you and you get enough of everything :) I'll tell more about Cali next time, getting a bit tipsy, doing touristy things, seeing the bushman even! Oh, I also saw a high school world music concert that almost brought me to tears. Man, the beauty of music from around the world. This is the song that'll remind me of this time, Over the Rainbow. I never actually listened to the whole song before until now. I haven't even seen the whole movie it was written for. Hehe. I will, I will. I promise. Just think to yourself, it's a wonderful world....