Babang Luksa

I called the family up this morning since today, 31st of May it's my grandpa's first year death anniversary. Babang Luksa literally means the end of mourning. With that, all the relatives and clans gather in a party of sorts, eating, drinking, having a good old time. I never actually knew what this meant until this morning when I read up about it. I've heard about it the longest but never really realized what it signified.

I didn't keep them long since it was a bit loud at my grandma's house. Our old neighbors from my childhood home were there, along as my second and third cousins, and family friends. The old neighbors were the ones who got to see first hand our crazy family. Fights erupting when some of the family guys go drinking, being chased down in the streets, hiding at a neighbor's house until everything settles. I laughed just now thinking about it but back then, ya know granted I accepted things as they were, I can't help not to wonder why. Anyway, that's the past.

I was just smiling talking to my grandma and my mom. People were singing karaoke in the background. I cried a bit but it was more coz of happiness knowing that they're having fun and celebrating. One of my aunts (the one wearing Reebok) and my grandma haven't spoken for months due to money problems, but I'm glad she showed up and hopefully, put whatever behind. But then, that's family, you fight you argue and sometimes even show your worst around them. Though with the ones who "act out," I think they take comfort knowing that there's family that'll always love them. That's what family is about, well for me at least. The folks who'd stand by you no matter what, well usually but not always. Though of course, we don't get to choose who ours will be, but then neither did they.

I was gonna keep quiet about this day but I felt compelled to write something. In the second pic which was taken on my 21st b-day, you'd see my grandpa in the wife-beater and my cousin, Sonny on the far right, that passed away the day we arrived in Manila a year ago, on the 8th of June. My mom's waiting until after my cousin's babang-luksa before she'd fly out to the States as to which we don't have an exact date yet but it'll be in about two to three weeks. I might not get to make my way out to Florida right when she arrives but will try to that weekend. I just won't tell her when so it'll be a bit of a surprise. I really can just see her whenever but it'll mean a lot to her me showing up around when she gets there. I just saw her last year so I'm kinda okay if I don't see her anytime soon. After not really being with my mom for almost seven years, I kinda got used to not having her around though on some days, I'd want nothing more to have her with me. Having our late night talks, just bs-ing around and making each other laugh. I miss her but not enough to live with her again methinks ;) If I could, I'd buy a mansion and have all my family living together. I sooo was thinking that growing up since it's rough having family in four different continents but guess it gives me an excuse to go back to Europe. I can only hope they're seeing the same sunset as I do, granted they're not with me, I hope they can sense there's a kid in DC thinking of them, always loving them.

He just dipped it

Knocked Up looks like it'll be a great summer movie. I haven't seen Shrek 3 or Pirates of the Carribbean, but I'll make sure to watch this opening night. It's a hoot watching movies when the theaters are packed. I have yet to watch a movie right when it opens.
This is one of the deleted scenes from the movie. It's a bit profane so might want to watch it at home.

Back to school

Last night was my first day of class and so far so good. I'm taking an actual class for History Western Civ which will run 'til the week prior to the 4th of July. It's been pretty good, granted I have yet to speak to my classmates but then it's the first day so it's okay.

Ok, my teacher kept saying it was a survey course and instead of just asking her what it meant, I looked it up and found out this morning. Anyway, we were let out an hour earlier than usual but the class actually runs from 7 to 10:20 pm. I'm gonna have to better manage my time since I'm taking three other classes online. It'll keep me busy I'm sure, so no more just sitting and doing nothing.

I'm actually excited. I missed just sitting in a classroom and listening to the teacher blah blah blah about things. I was all giddy hearing about the Theory of Evolution and such (giggling when I saw homo erectus on the slide). We only got to the pre-history portion but yea, am glad I'm back in school. If I love it enough, I'll try to go full time eventually and work part-time though my dad was saying how that's like taking a step back in a sense but whatevs.

I got home and just ended up ironing for two hours listening to ella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh. Ugh, I didn't think I'd fall for that umbrella song.

This will be random but am I the only one who waits until there's nobody in the bathroom before I step out of a stall? I wish more people would coz I just get bothered somehow knowing who was behind the door producing all those noises.. Teehee

I don't know why I have this thing but it's like if I initiate a contact with someone, it feels like I'm the 'weaker' one. I've been like that since I was younger, though as to where it's stemming from I do not know. Everyone who knows about it thinks it's dumb I feel that way about initiating contact. Oh lord, it's only been a day that I didn't hear from S-. I gave in and texted him earlier so will see how that goes. I'm trying to think back to my time here that I didn't know him, but is that possible? I soo need to meet more folks.

Friday night and the feeling's right

Friday started out well. It's been a while since I've read The Little Prince and granted I've read it a lot of times, it still makes me teary-eyed as simple as the story might be. The day was okay, me and V- were out and about on the floors working on trouble tickets that were open. Thursday night, I made my way out to Suitland, MD to see her daughter sing in a group at their school's concert. It was fun, just getting to hang out with V- and just talking about stuff. We were hysterical in the train watching Lisa Lampanelli. Some of Lisa's jokes would just leave you with your mouth open. It was a nice evening. Having become friends with V- made my stay here better but then, there's really no way but up, not that it has been horrible since my move here.

I actually asked S- if he wanted to see Shrek 3 with me. He said yes so I was looking forward to that. Funny how I was thinking how he was like the fox from the book. I've been usually hanging out with him on Fridays so yesterday, as the day is coming to an end, I felt happier and happier because I'll get to see S-. We spoke on the phone around 5 pm, and he said that he has been in meetings all day which can be tiring. I told him that he can just go home and get some rest, not telling him that I've already purchased the tickets for the 10:30 show.

I was debating to head out to the city and just walk around since I kinda got into a mindset that I'll be out and about for the evening. I ended up going still though I just missed the happy hour at DC Eagle, getting to the closest train station at 8:05. I was standing outside for a bit since I was a bit nervous going in by myself but ya know, what's the worse that could really happen so I made my way in. The bartender I chatted with, Je- was there so that put me at ease at least. And another guy I spoke with, Ju- was there as well. I actually forgot his name and he had to tell me what it was. He asked about S- and I said S- is probably home sleeping since he was tired. We got to talking, and I found out he was in the Air Force as well, went to the same base for schooling, etc. I learned some interesting things how the leather world works. What "family" meant, what it means when you have a brother, a Sir, etc. One never stops learning.

With drinking, I tend not to remember some things that happen when I get drunk. Tuesday, I was gonna say looks like but I did black out for a bit. Ju- was telling me how I sorta got thrown out of the bathroom, etc. I remember being in a stall talking to S- and a manager being there as well saying that there can't be two people in a stall, etc. I don't remember going in, or why but Ju- told me that S- and I were arguing for a bit. Not that it was loud or anything, but S- got pissed since I was talking to another guy and got the guy's number. Je- said that everybody thought that me and S- were together, but one in an open relationship more than likely. I just laughed when he told me that. I told him I've just been hanging out with S- for about three weeks now, and we never really talked about 'us' since I don't know, there isn't an 'us'!? Je- was explaining what the difference was between seeing someone and dating someone, and how S- and I probably like each other but just won't admit to it. I guess we did give off a couple vibe when we went out that day. It's interesting hearing about it from an outsider's point of view. He just told me some little things, how he thought I was an alright guy but didn't ask for my phone number with S- being there and all. He told me that S- was the one who took my glass away when I was talking to the one dude. I remember taking one shot but after that, Ju- said I had two more tequila shots. And when we left, we kinda did so abruptly. I just thought huh..

So that was that, I ended up talking to the bartenders and a Sir. The Sir seemed like a nice guy and told me how yesterday shouldn't be my last time being there. He told me I should go to the Leatherfest. I had to ask what it was and they said it is a party, so will see about that one. Je- was calling me a cub so yea, thought it was kinda funny.

I ended up not going to the movies. I asked them if I could use the online reservation for a later show and the girl told me to just check with the manager upstairs. I ended up hanging out with a guy I never met but chatted with a few times. We just walked around Chinatown for a little bit trying to find a place that was open but they were all closed, and it was only 11! We ended up just sitting by Haegen Dasz and just talking. I got ice cream and to think it was really cold out. We just talked maybe for an hour or so. I was a bit tipsy after drinking at the bar, and was getting really sleepy so we made our way back to the metro station. We stood around for a while and talked even more until our train got there. We found more stuff to talk about so that was good, there were talks about getting together again so will have to make sure that happens.

I start school this Monday so that would keep me busy at least. The actual class for History will be Mondays and Wednesdays for about 3 hrs each for six weeks. The other three, will be distance learning for 16 so it shouldn't be too bad. Though taking Precalculus with Trigonometry online, will see how that'll go, having to make sense out of all the formulas only from a book.

Well it's almost 5 now. Just went running today and went to pick up some groceries. That was like four hours ago so definitely need to get showered now and do laundry. Probably just stay in and watch some DVD's. Listening to Landslide right now, the only Stevie Nicks I know so far. Can I handle the seasons of my life? I don't know.....

Soar higher like an eagle

I feel good in a James Brown kind of way. That sounded funny to me so shut up. Figured I'd just write a new post to kinda push the other entry down. Talk about picture overload haha

The weekend was kinda quiet. I went and saw Hot Fuzz Friday night and absolutely loved it. I went by myself though since some guy I was supposed to go with two weeks ago cancelled and has disappeared from the face of the earth since then, well on my world at least. I don't know why some folks found it shocking when I told them I went to see it alone, like how can I even do such a thing. I think I ended up watching it free since I went to the self-service ticket counter and grabbed whatever came out. When I handed it to the guy, he told me that he can't take it since it wasn't a ticket. When I looked at the "ticket," it actually was the receipt so ran back down to the machine trying to find my ticket. I looked over and there it was, a ticket for Hot Fuzz for the showtime I was trying to get into. I took it and just made my way back and handed it to the guy. I felt naughty with what I did and when one of the workers was walking around inside the theater, I got nervous thinking they're trying to find me. Thanks universe :)

After that, made my way to McDonald's since I haven't eaten anything since lunch. Spoke to my coworker V- for a little bit. We've become good friends so am really glad about that, something to keep me smiling when I'm at work. We act like kids sometimes, we'd just start giggling over little things like someone's last name being Adcock. I'd just say "This is Willie, whatchu want" and we'd bust out laughing but you'd have to hear this to know why.

The weekend was quiet. I stayed in Saturday and mostly did some cleaning but didn't get to bed 'til about 5:30 am. Got woken up around 10 when of the aunts called, and after that pretty much called up all the 'moms' I know and wished them a Happy Mother's Day. I then ironed my clothes for the week and guess a bit bummed out that I'm home on a Sunday when it was really nice out. I ended up stepping out and going to a Korean restaurant and grabbed something to eat. V- called while I was eating and we ended up walking around Old Town in Alexandria. She brought her daughter with her which got me nervous for a little bit since she's like 14 yrs old. We ended up having a great time. Walking down by the water, playing with some parrots, drinking up some Starbucks and enjoying the area. I was being silly and it made the kid laugh so it's all good. We were even singing and dancing on the way back to their car. It's kinda weird that this sorta came true since V- later on told me she was feeling a bit down since it was Mother's Day and they were staying home after going out for lunch earlier that day.

Today you might find a new way of bringing people together, Kristopher. The energy of the day could inspire you to form an alliance of some sort. You might strike up a friendship with someone, and both of you could help each other out. Or you could decide to team up with someone whose skills, energy, and personality complement your own on a project. The two of you could make a successful combination!

I was really glad I got to hang out with them though the evening kinda took a bad turn after some incidents with a friend. Drunken phone calls, me making my way out to DC, then my friend pretty much ignoring me when I got there. I briefly touched on S- in an older post and I'm just kinda confused about where we stand. We're supposed to be friends, but something happened so yea, it sure does complicate things. It's kinda cute when he was trying to make me jealous over the phone. But I guess I was a little bit since if I wasn't, I would not have gotten dressed and made the drive to DC to see him. It was just a weird night.

Tuesday though, we met up after getting off work. I wanted to stop by H&M to check out some black slacks so I told S- that I was gonna be in the area. He said he was gonna go running so I said we can just meet up afterwards after I get my shopping done, and he went running. I texted saying I'll give him a call when I got to DC and when I did, he actually was at H&M already *blush I made my way up and had to casually shake his hands when I saw him, and just said what's up but I really wanted to hug him. We had a smile on our faces so guess that's a good thing. I ended up not buying any pants since they didn't look right around the buttocks area. S- was saying that of course it wouldn't since the clothes are of European cut. I said yea, I guess since mine's a little too big and he laughed saying I was full of myself.

After leaving H&M, we ended up making our way to a bar. I was kinda thinking Isn't this early to be going to a bar since it was only around 5 pm by then. He took me to a leather bar so that's another checked off of my list. Now I can say I've been to Eagle. It was actually nice though at first, I was a bit nervous with it being a leather bar and all. The folks are friendly, even the bartender introduced himself. I spoke to a few people and even got kissed by this one guy on his way out. This was the day I found out who Falwell was since one guy talked to me about him and I said that I did not know who it was. S- and I caught up about what we did over the weekend, and for Sunday, he remembers bits and pieces of it, well mostly the good stuff. That that's the good thing when he's drunk, he only remembers the good things. Well not for the sober ones, I said. He asked if I was gonna bring up what happened Sunday night and I said no. I got my hug though since I told him I wanted to at H&M but didn't. Some of the guys that we end up talking with thought we were together. I got another guy's number which didn't sit well with S-. My coworker/friend V- had to explain to me that I shouldn't get guys' numbers when I'm out with S-. I guess I was only thinking of myself, ya know kinda glad that I'm sorta networking and meeting people at least, maybe meet friends in the process.

I met S-'s friend, St- as well though at first when he said his friend's coming, I was thinking why'd he even do that. Sometimes, when I'm hanging out with my friend or whoever, I don't like it when they bring somebody else in. I just want them all to me. St- was an alright guy though. I "lost" my mug at the bar though since S- had the bartender take it away when I was chatting with somebody whose number I got.

We ended up leaving around 9 and made our way out to Chinatown stopping by Fuddruckers and grabbing something to eat. Of course this whole time, S- was rambling how I keep talking to other guys and getting their numbers. He said he'd talk to them and that is it. He's lived here for five years so he knows folks while I don't. But like V- said, it's not right to do that if I'm with S-. My silly self find it adorable when S- gets all hyped up but I just really didn't think much of what I was doing. He kept on and on about it when we were eating, and when St- was driving us both, how I sucked and he shouldn't be speaking to me. S- lives in DC while I'm in Va and St- drove me all the way to the train station where I was parked so that was really nice of him. I sent him a thank you e-mail since that's the most I can do. I got home and passed right out.

It's all good though. With the beginning of the post, that's how I really felt yesterday. The whole time I was in the train, I just had a smile on my face thinking that life is good. Not that it isn't, but sometimes with all the things that go through, we tend to forget that. But yesterday, I just had that feeling and it was nice. S- asked me if I had fun the previous night, and rather than just saying yes, I texted: Yes! I've had a smile on my face since waking up because of last night. Seeing you did me good. Probably a bit too much but at that time, that's how I really felt. I'm trying to make it a point of telling folks how I feel. Making my self vulnerable in the process but with doing that, knowing how flexible or unbreakable I can be.

Mother's Day

I remember looking out the balcony as my mom goes home after dropping me off to school. I'd poke my head out and wave, until she and the other mothers make a left turn, disappearing from my view in those mornings. It was a bit odd since I don't remember crying when I was in kindergarten, or even first grade, only in the second grade which seemed to be an emotional time for me somehow.





I probably don't give her as much credit as I
should, but sometimes I think how I turned out all comes down to me. I'm sure my mom's love played a role or maybe it was all that I needed, after all. I know it might not sound I had a happy childhood sometimes when you read what I write but despite of all the things that happened, I can look back and still smile. There were a lot of good times as well but I think it's the pain that I'm letting go by writing it out. What a sad life, I thought for so long, not that I now think it's happy.


I do love my mom and I can say we do have a great relationship. I call her on and we can go on for hours just talking about things. We are two complete opposites that people comment on how she managed to raise a child like me. She does have a big heart, and she welcomes everybody with open arms. I remember cringing when we're out and about and she'd converse with random people. I'd think "God, she's at it again" and act like I didn't know the woman. With all the things that she went through, even to this day, she'd tell me that she was able to hold it together because of me. I just laugh it off, but it humbles me deeply when I sit down and think about it. Sometimes I think it's stupid but then had it been any other way, I'm not sure I would have been where I am.

My other aunts' kids are all pretty young, and they would tell my mom they hope that their kids would turn out the way I did. She'd say to trust everything to God. My mom did pray a lot. She did do novenas and I just sat there wondering what she was praying about. All I did pray for was to get to meet my father. On my birthday, the first thing we'd do is make our way out to Quiapo, Manila and pay respect to the Black Nazarene. This is the one church where she'd walk on her knees to get to the front of the church where the statue is. It usually rains on my birthday since it's in the rainy season, and she always carried me on her back, rather than letting my shoes get wet on our way

After all that happened, she was always there for me.She could have said the hell with me a long time ago, and she didn't. Sometimes I guess I forget that she was a young girl once, and had her all these dreams and ambitions. I certainly don't think that becoming a single mother was one of it. I'm thankful she stood by me, though some aren't as lucky. So to my mom, my aunts, my grandma and to all the mothers out there, Happy Mother's Day and thank you for the gift.

Forgive your mother! Forgive her not for the things she has done or not done, for the things she has said or has not said. Forgive her because it is the only way to open your heart to self-forgiveness. Forgive her not because you don't have a right to be upset about the way she has handled some things in her life and in your life. Forgive her not because she was right in making you feel wrong, or because she was wrong when she failed to acknowledge that you were right. Forgive your mother because until you do, there will be a void in your heart.

Forgive your mother for the many, many times she was not the mother you wanted her to be. Forgive her for the times she did not do things the way you needed them done. Forgive your mother for not protecting you or speaking out in your behalf. Forgive her for not guiding you in the right direction and for the times she totally lost her direction, dragging you along with her. Forgive your mother for demanding things from you that she could not provide for you or for herself. Forgive your mother whether or not she did anything wrong or bad to you. Forgive her not because you are excusing whatever she did or however it affected you. Forgive your mother because holding judgments against her has a devastating impact on your soul. The judgments you hold will eventually break your heart. Forgive your mother because the truth is, she did the best she could whether you would like to believe it or not.

Until today, you may have been harboring judgments or negative opinions about your mother and the way she did or did not mother you. Just for today, forgive yourself for judging your mother. Once you do, there will be nothing left to forgive her for.

- Iyanla Vanzant

North Caroliiiina

Well, the plan for NYC was scratched after we went out Friday night and didn't get home 'til 3. I ended up grabbing a bite with some guy Friday evening out in the U Street area of DC. A friend I met recently - S lives a few blocks down so I called him and checked what he was doing. He said he was getting ready to go to bed but his friend called and wanted him to go out. He was having second thoughts about it but when we spoke and he found out I was in the area, he just went ahead and got ready.


While I was having dinner with said guy, there's actually a voicemail that came in from an old, old friend of mine. We were classmates in elementary back in the Philippines, and I actually got a hold of him when I first moved here. However, after I left Cali and moved to FL, we lost touch. I've tried calling the number that I had, but it was disconnected. I went on a spy mode and looked up their area with the said friend's last name, and I think I actually called each number and left a voicemail explaining to them who I was, and why I was calling. Months passed and last Friday, my friend Billy did call me back (Screw the B- thing) He asked how I found his number so I explained it to him. It's real easy nowadays to find people's info, well maybe that's the stalker side kicking in. I'm just good like that hehe.



It was really good catching up with him after all these years, though he's forgotten a lot of folks from our school days. He even called me by the wrong name, some folks called me by my middle name, Dedrick and on his voicemail, he asked for a Patrick. I go by my first name now, so had to tell him that when he asked why I changed my name. It was great, it was still a surprise getting to talk to him. I think I kept saying " can't believe I'm talking to you!" throughout our conversation. We've talked about meeting but he's in Cali while I'm in DC so will see how that'll pan out. I said we can meet halfway jokingly, and he agreed so guess we'll find out.

After the call, I just stood by a corner waiting for my friend S- to come. We went to this bar called Halo which was alright. We just stayed there for a little bit, leaving after having just one drink. It's funny how like everybody knew him, but then he's lived here for five years now and I on the otherhand, five months. It was fun still though, I just let him be a butterfly and I kinda just leaned back against the counter watching people and the videos playing. I got to talk to some folks maybe 30 mins or so after being there. They were doing shots and I got pulled in to do one. I chatted with them with a bit. And towards the end, got into a conversation with one guy P- for a little bit. 'twas funny that when S- joined the conversation, it kinda went to a halt and he was saying how he's gonna let me and P- get back to enjoying our talk. Just asked mostly things you'd ask someone you just met, where are they from, what do they do ie. student/job, etc. I think he has a bf though, well he said he did which means he probably does. Funny how as we were going our own ways, I ended up P-'s bf's work number instead of his. Have yet to call them though.


I crashed at S- place and slept in hence reason why the trip to NYC was cancelled. We were gonna catch the bus around noon and just spend the night there, and go right back around. I left his place around 1, calling my dad on my way to the car since he had a missed call the previous evening. He was checking if I was coming since the rest of the cousins were asking about me. I said I wasn't sure since that was a 6-hr drive ya know. But a bit after that, I called him back and told him I'll make my way out, it's family. I didn't get to leave the house 'til a few hours since I had lunch first, and had to get packed and everything.


It was a good stay overall. Attending my cousin's graduation, just getting to see some of the family I've never met, like the aunt I've talked about in some old posts. It felt like a family reunion since a bunch made their way to Charlotte, but then most of them live in Atlanta so it's not too far. The farthest is my dad in California, and an Aunt in Rochester, then me in DC. It was really exciting, seeing my cousin graduate. I got to talking with one cousin about going to school and it made me want to go. I'll be applying to some schools, more than likely in Florida, and try to get in for the Spring term. Military kinda felt like being in college, but of course, it's still not the same since I'm earning something different this time around. With the mil, I got to meet people from all walks of life and some of the things I went through, it made me into a better person ( I certainly hope so!) With school, it'll be the same but along with a diploma.


I might, might not write more but wanted to get this out today at least, and share a pic or two to y'all. The first one is with all the cousins, and the second is the majority of the family that came, minus the graduate.

I got a hunger only tacos can stop

This still cracks me up and it's been four years since I've watched it...

Sweet escape

That gwen stefani song is stuck in my head. Wooohoooo Weeeehoooo I'm just taking a quick break before I head out on jobs. I'm still trying to get signed up for some summer classes and will get to do them tomorrow. I'd have to give it a day before the transfer goes through so the system is rejecting my card. It'll cost a LOT to go full-time (about $250 for each credit hours and my cousin told me to just wait it out until next year so I can pay in-state tuition rates. It's outrageous since out-of-state rates is aboout $250 and taking 12 credits, hmm. I considered it but that'll be just too long that I'm not taking any classes. I was taking one last summer but withdrew when I needed to go back to the Philippines due to the death in the family.

I guess I'm just a bit bored. Not that I don't mind not doing anything, but going back to school will keep me busy at least. I'm gonna take one real-time and three online courses, just to give me an idea what it's like. I have a feeling I'll like going to classes better since I did enjoy the interaction with the teacher and just hearing their stories and the way they explain things. I miss sitting in a classroom learning from a sensei. I've bought the books yesterday and will skim through them at least once maybe next week.

Aside from that, it's been good here at work. This one girl V- and I have been talking a lot more. Instead of splitting the trouble calls, we'd come out together and fix the issues. It's been fun, we make each other laugh. I can make her laugh with just my facial expression. They told me I make some weird faces which in turn makes them laugh. They say I'm goofy, which I can be, but I think that's also because I've become more comfortable with me. In the mil, I kinda held back worrying people might find out about me so I tended to keep to myself until my last few weeks. Some wished I would have opened up more sooner. I did too, but as long as we got to make memories, I'm glad about that.

The aunt (my dad's sister) called me Monday after being MIA for like a month. I called her a few times, and even left a message but didn't hear back. My cousin is actually graduating from univ down in Charlotte, NC this Sunday but I'm not going. Even my dad, mom and bro will fly in since the mentioned aunt paid for their ticket. It's a six hour drive and right now, I don't see myself making that drive to be with them. I'm glad I got to finally meet them last year, but I think I've come to a point where I'm okay with the way things are now. I wish it were different but sometimes I just feel too tired in getting to know them. I'm full of contradictions, since I get some moments where I'd want to do just that, yet other times, think to myself to why even bother.
A fellow blogger I met mentioned that me and my cousins really have nothing in common, except for the blood that runs in our veins. I have more love to some bloggers which I know might sound weird but I just do. Maybe I'm just not giving them the family a chance...

Instead of going to Charlotte, I might end up in NYC this weekend. A guy I met just last weekend is planning to go to NY and told me to think about it. I wasn't planning to but now that week's almost over, I let him know this morning that I'll come with him. I 'll find out tonight where we're staying, or how we're even getting there.
Funny how I agreed to go with him, yet won't do the same for the family. What's the matter with me, I tell ya. I'm still trying to build up my life here in DC and I'll admit it's been a bit hard making friends. The ACNYer touched very well on how I feel sometimes. I think I've become comfortable with it in a sense not 'coz I had to, but I think more of making peace with the way things are. It can be hard sometimes, but it's all up to me to make myself happy, and not depend on people. If people can make me happy, they can also make me unhappy.

I need to go back out on jobs. Just wanted to write a little something. Aside from date, I met someone at a bar. I had the courage to ask a guy for his phone number but will see how that goes. I've called him once since Friday, but only got his voicemail. I left a message and he texted me the next day letting me know he did get it so will see. Another one, I e-mailed with and chatted online and was supposed to see Hot Fuzz with last Sunday. He texted like 2 am that morning saying he had to go back to Ohio due to some family issues. Regardless, I'll make it a point of watching the movie, maybe Monday.

Well gotta go now, my gurl's been out in the floors for too long without me. Our coworker is teasing us since we ended up wearing lavender shirts today. It wasn't planned, more of a coincidence. I'm just trying to be more colorful in the clothes I wear, that's all really. Hope you have a great Thursday. I'll just take it slow, it's my TV night so will be set put at 8 with My Name is Earl, The Office and Grey's.

I'm gonna give it a try

I'm up as usual since I fell asleep after getting home from work today. I didn't get to bed 'til about 1:30 yesterday after catching a show in DC once again. I got to see Peter Bjorn and John last night play at 9:30 Club. That place has become a favorite after having gone there to see three shows the past two months, Scissor Sisters, Radio Soulwax, Peter Bjorn and John and in a few weeks, Keane.

I got to the club around 8:30 since they weren't playing until 10. Doors opened at 7:30 but there was still a queue when I arrived. It felt a bit weird standing in line by myself, I kinda wished I had someone to go with at least. On my way, I was talking to my cousin and she mentioned something that got me thinking for a sec, well just when she was on the phone. It's how when I'm about to experience something, I get excited and hyped up over it, whether it be meeting someone, or catching a show in this case. I won't shut up about it, yet when the time comes, I get this weird thought like "Why'd I even bother with this?" I usually end up having a good time but still not sure why that feeling creeps in EVERY single time I'm about to experience something new. Maybe it's fear, but eventhough i feel the fear, i do it anyway.

I just hang around the club for a while, had a drink or two before the show started. Granted I was wishing I was with people, I guess I give off the leave-me-alone vibe. One guy actually chatted me up a bit about the opening acts, and we just talked for another minute and he wandered off. I only got to see the last song for the first opening act and I don't even know what the band's name was. The second opening act was Fujiya & Miyagi which I found out just tonight is actually a British band. The show was great, Peter Bjorn & John played songs mostly from their first album. Of course, I only knew Young Folks but enjoyed the show regardless. They even played a new material, something about called Black coffins?, dealing with life and death (hard for me to get the words just by listening to a song). DC is their first stop for their North American tour and I was actually glad I was part of it in a way.

Like one of their songs said: and the question is, was i more alive then than i am now? i happily have to disagree; i laugh more often now, i cry more often now, i am more me

Gotta get back to watching About a Boy now. I've seen it a few times but it never fails to make me smile. I just talked to my mom about an hour ago and got to thinking about things.

There is no God

Well, according to this one writer. I haven't gone to This I Believe for quite sometime, but I copied over my favorites back in my mil days and just started reading it again. Some posts just make you smile, and get you teary-eyed but in a good way. I was while eating my lunch. Nothing and so much has been going on at the same time, but will write more about it later. For now, I wanted to share the most viewed essay on This I Believe by Penn....

I believe that there is no God. I'm beyond atheism. Atheism is not believing in God. Not believing in God is easy -- you can't prove a negative, so there's no work to do. You can't prove that there isn't an elephant inside the trunk of my car. You sure? How about now? Maybe he was just hiding before. Check again. Did I mention that my personal heartfelt definition of the word ''elephant'' includes mystery, order, goodness, love and a spare tire?

So, anyone with a love for truth outside of herself has to start with no belief in God and then look for evidence of God. She needs to search for some objective evidence of a supernatural power. All the people I write e-mails to often are still stuck at this searching stage. The atheism part is easy.

But, this ''This I Believe'' thing seems to demand something more personal, some leap of faith that helps one see life's big picture, some rules to live by. So, I'm saying, ''This I believe: I believe there is no God.''

Having taken that step, it informs every moment of my life. I'm not greedy. I have love, blue skies, rainbows and Hallmark cards, and that has to be enough. It has to be enough, but it's everything in the world and everything in the world is plenty for me. It seems just rude to beg the invisible for more. Just the love of my family that raised me and the family I'm raising now is enough that I don't need heaven. I won the huge genetic lottery and I get joy every day.

Believing there's no God means I can't really be forgiven except by kindness and faulty memories. That's good; it makes me want to be more thoughtful. I have to try to treat people right the first time around.

Believing there's no God stops me from being solipsistic. I can read ideas from all different people from all different cultures. Without God, we can agree on reality, and I can keep learning where I'm wrong. We can all keep adjusting, so we can really communicate. I don't travel in circles where people say, ''I have faith, I believe this in my heart and nothing you can say or do can shake my faith.'' That's just a long-winded religious way to say, ''shut up,'' or another two words that the FCC likes less. But all obscenity is less insulting than, ''How I was brought up and my imaginary friend means more to me than anything you can ever say or do.'' So, believing there is no God lets me be proven wrong and that's always fun. It means I'm learning something.

Believing there is no God means the suffering I've seen in my family, and indeed all the suffering in the world, isn't caused by an omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent force that isn't bothered to help or is just testing us, but rather something we all may be able to help others with in the future. No God means the possibility of less suffering in the future.

Believing there is no God gives me more room for belief in family, people, love, truth, beauty, sex, Jell-O and all the other things I can prove and that make this life the best life I will ever have.