Goddamnit. I'm crying here at my cube today after reading some This I Believe essays. I'm not sure what I'm gonnabe doing yet in the next few days since I'm temping for a different position so instead of being at the usual site, which is Maryland for me, I'm in DC.
I had to take yesterday off to get a procedure done. It was a same day surgery, and I ended up staying at the hospital for close to 7 hrs. I caught the cab since my mom doesn't know how to drive yet, and I didn't ask around except one if anybody can give me a ride. That's where my stubborn streak comes out, it's as if I have a hard time asking for help. I cried a little I'll admit since if C- was here, he would taken the day off and stayed with me the whole time like when I had a surgery last year. After I got home, I pretty much just rested and watched Mad Men and Weeds, and trying to tweak the Mac so I can put Windows in it as well.
Last night, I got upset with my mom for a moment since she was crying a bit since she was asking and saying how I've never spent a bday with my dad. I hate when she does that. She doesn't mean anything bad but sometimes, it bothers me when she thinks about things like this. It's like she burders herself with more hurt and take on other people's pain, i.e. mine. I really wouldn't say I'm in denial about this whole relationship with my dad. After I came out to him April of last year, communication has pretty much stopped between us. I've reached out twice and will leave it at that.
I guess sometimes you just come to the realization that everybody can't or wouldn't love you. As hard as that might be, one just has to live with it. It's happened to me, I ended up liking some folks, and the feeling's not mutual so what can you do but move on. When it's the same, I've met guys that liked me but I didn't like them back the way they wanted me to. I wish it was any different, and as much as you try not to hurt people, it is bound to happen and it's only up to them when they want to move on.
Love is such an interesting thing. Sometimes you get too focused on getting it from someone that if you only stay still long enough, you realize the ones you have is actually enough. I've met some bloggers who I've come to love deeply, and who's been my confidant when I'm going through the hard times and the good times. Thinking of them makes me smile. I've realized that you come to a point where you create your own family, and one that doesn't have to be linked by blood.
Yesterday, after just having to lay down and not read or play with my cell, it just got me thinking how nothing's an accident. It mainly applied to C, and how I think we needed to be in each other's lives when we met. I hated it at times when we'd get into fights and stuff, but now looking back, I wouldn't have traded it for anything. I used to wish we wouldn't have moved in together so soon when we get into arguments, yet at the same time, it all happened naturally.
Then the dog came in, which has become a child to me, without me realizing. Now I sit at home wondering how he's doing, but I can't really ask him haha. It always cracks me up thinking how it looked like his muzzle was dipped in black ink and stayed that way. Ahh pets, they love their owners with no conditions. I wish I can say the same, but am not quite there yet. It's quite conflicting since at the same time, I have conditions on how to be loved. If you do this or that, it means you love me. If you don't call me, maybe you don't after all.
But one must remember that people can't always love you the way you want them to. Just because they couldn't doesn't mean the feeling's not there, they just have a different way of showing it.
