Merry Christmas

On Christmas Eve, I went to the midnight mass for a change. This is the first in a very long time that I attended one. We used to go when I was younger, they have what's called simbang gabi (misa de gallo in Spanish) in the Philippines where you go to mass every night starting on the 16th all the way to the night prior to Christmas if I remember correctly. That was actually the main thing as far as dinners go, when midnight strikes,that families get together and have noche buena. It's usually after dinner that kids open their presents.

One of the things that I miss was getting up early the next day, and making our rounds in the neighborhood. Us kids go to people's houses, knocking on their doors saying Mamamasko Po and the owners in turn would us give us cash money ($_$) It's also a tradition that godparents would usually buy you gifts, and I remember getting jealous since I only have 1 pair of grandparents and neither one of them lived in the country so no gifts for me. I knew better to believe in Santa Claus too hahaha. Not that I was jaded, but I never bought that. And one thing I wished wasn't really a toy or anything. If you'd read my blog, I think you'd know what my only wish was. And with the midnight dinner, of course, comes my favorite dessert of all. Leche flan, or flan, as most people in the U.S. knows it as. Egg yolks mixed with brown sugar, and milk.. yum yum...Will post some old holiday pictures up once I unpack all my things, I think I have a few I can show. There's one with me wearing a neon green t-shirt and shorts *horror..

Tonight, with it being my first Christmas in the DC area, I could have done two things. Stay home and think of just another day, or actually celebrate it in a way. Fellow blogger, One 3ye, made me think back of when I used to look forward to the Christmas season. I was getting melancholy and got teary eyed with being in a new city, not knowing too many peoople yet, and not having anywhere to go. It's not that I minded, I could have flown to Vegas, and spend time with Dad and the family, but I opted to spend Thanksgiving instead. I dunno, Vegas really didn't do anything for me last time I visited. I spent a dollar on some game I don't even remember now.

Anyway, some woman was trying to find people to go to mass with. I saw her post but was having second thoughts about actually e-mailing her. Was thinking of it being weird, going to a midnight mass with strangers but I ended up e-mailing her, and she responded. I didn't call her at once though, was still contemplating about it when I left to go to the store which were all closed. Good thing Subway was open since I was starving. Got me a sandwich, went home and ate and ironed my clothes for the mass. After getting dressed, I gave D- a call and said I'll be making my way out to DC. DC probably isn't as confusing as it was, but with it being my first time driving there, I of course managed to get lost. I was trying to go downtown, and ended up in Chevy Chase, MD which was just right over the border. There I was thinking Am I supposed to drive through this town? so I pulled over and gave D- a call. She was really helpful though as far as trying to get me to get to Dupont Circle where the cathedral is located. Finally got there like 45 mins after I last spoke with D- since where I parked was about 10 blocks from the cathedral. You can see me sprinting in the streets every so often just to be sure I wasn't gonna miss the mass.

It was nice, getting to attend a midnight mass in a cathedral nonetheless. Though I think I missed part of the sermon for who knows how long [well God does lol]. I got woken up when the booklet I was holding hit the floor so yea.. Oh yea, D- was also with another girl C- and I ended up sitting next to her, and we made small talk. Just really brief since we were seated already inside. It was great overall, I was really glad I went. And after the mass ended, and we were going our separate ways, all three of us got to talk at least. Them telling me how I did good trying to find my way, after having just moved here three weeks ago. We all had the same interests as far as movies go so there were talks of getting together, and having lunch or something. I was thinking it, but it was D- that brought it up, after which C- said if we can exchange numbers too. Awesome!!! So we'll see how this will go. Funny how I always get girls' numbers. Even at a party I went to Saturday night, all those guys there and I left with a girl's number instead. The guys were a bit older, but still.... I'm not a big fan of parties, but kinda forced myself to go just because... Some guy I knew, well earlier in the day, invited me to his friend's party. I was having second thoughts at first, but my cousin urged me to go, telling me the things I usually tell her if I feel she's being anti-social. Had a bit of a drink, but it was fun. Glad I went to that one too.

Though for tomorrow, hmm, not sure yet. Might go see Dreamgirls with an acquaintance, can't say we're friends yet, if he doesn't cancel on me a third time. We were gonna go hang out but with it being his birthday Saturday and all, his dad wanted to see him at least. So we'll see how that goes. I actually didn't care much about Dreamgirls, but after seeing the preview of it Friday when watching Babel, I reconsidered. I think it was Jennifer Hudson singing but it seriously sent goosebumps through my body hearing that clip. I have no idea how that happened, but it really did.

Well, bed's calling my name so will get rested now. Here's some Filipino christmas songs:
Pasko Na Naman
Simbang Gabi
Pasko Na Sinta Ko


Merry Christmas y'all and wishing you a great year ahead!

Be in the moment

OK, don't drink Mountain Dew when in the evening if you wanna get some sleep on time. I had two cans of it for dinner, and now I'm not sure if it's what's keeping me up or what. It's been a few weeks since I made the move, and I'm glad that I finally get to have a whole weekend off. The past two weekends, I've had to come back down to Hampton to try and take care of some things. I finally got everything moved out of the old apartment, though had some issues with the leasing office last week. Err, what happened was that I didn't give them the rent on the 1st which is normally when the rent is due since they said that the rate for December would be prorated. I dunno what got in my head that they would just bill me all together once they send me the final fee. Unknowingly, they sent me a mail on the first week of December saying that I was supposed to pay rent and I have 'til the 6th to pay rent. Well, with my moving and all my mail getting forwarded, I didn't get the letter until the 13th which was past the newer deadline they set before they'll evict me. I know I'm partially to blame for this, or maybe even the only one at point, but I got a bit angry about how all of this happened. You'd think the accounting office would have checked with the leasing office first and see what's going on, before trying to evict me. They could have called at least, instead of just assuming I'm not gonna pay and just evicting me. Not that it would matter lol, considering I wasn't living there anymore. I'm being apathetic but I'm gonna have to see whether this will affect my standing in any way. I've had to pay attorney's fee and all that junk, but oh well, it's just money. Not that money's not important, but it's not the end of the world now, is it?

With living here for about three weeks, hmm, maybe I've hang out with people like three times this whole time. First was with this guy, D- whose place I crashed at for the night when I came up here to get the lease taken care of, then Ke- an IT professional, and Go- a full time artist. During the week, I've pretty much been trying to get my room organized at least. I didn't have chest drawers or anything at first, so it was hard not having anywhere to put my things in. But now, I got a sofa bed, the chest dressers, and a desk which I'm debating whether or not to keep. It feels like it's taking up more space than it should, and considering I'm just renting a room, gonna find ways to maximize space. I'm in the process of going through my things and sorting them through and pick which to keep or just get rid of. It feels like I have too many things, and really have nowhere to put them, so yea..

Work's been good, though I'm still in the learning stages. I've slacked off here and there, not taking care of issues people called/e-mailed about until after they call again checking what the status is. I kinda zoned out since the past week, my main concern was trying to meet new folks to be friends with in the area. It hasn't gotten to me yet, since I've been busy, but now with having a full weekend here, it'll be nice to spend it with someone. It's good to be alone and all, but sometimes, interacting with fellow humans is more enriching hahaha.

I'm actually enjoying commuting. I have been since I started working and doesn't miss driving much. It's just nice to catch the bus or the metro and observe, watching how people interact, or with some, avoid contact altogether. Keeping a look out on the cute guys too, but I think where I live it's mostly family man that I've seen. Booo! I am sooo moving! If only I like moving hahaha, it's a pain doing it all by yourself. I think I took it too literally when I told the military that I'd do a DITY [Do it yourself] move, I did just that, move everything ALL by myself, with no outside help whatsoever. I was just thinking, You're an idiot for not hiring people. Well when I was getting frustrated packing. Gah, it was such a pain but that's over now, and I did me proud. My mom used to tell me how I was born here in the world alone, and so that's how it usually is. Well she used to tell me that since before, I always had this thing where I HAVE to take somebody with me wherever I go, or whatever I do. I used to equate me being out there by myself as being unloved. But I know that isn't true that just because you're out there alone, you don't have anybody in your life and how lonely that must get.

The roommate's have been good so far, I'll have three in all though the one girl hasn't started living here yet. Need to work on the cleanliness level though. I haven't had time to do a major clean up, so been cleaning up here and there. I was just thinking, Lord! How can they live like this!? Lol, but oh well, I live here now so definitely will fix the cleanliness issue. They're two good guys though, so glad about that at least. Pretty much took my chances, but don't we all, just about everyday? Just gotta have faith that everything will be alright. Still trying to figure out some things but it's all part of the process.

Since last month, I've barely spoken to the family actually. Trying to work on that since with some things, you have to force yourself to do even when you really don't want to. There were some things said to each other when there was really a need for it. Well, my thoughts about the whole mother issue. I love her and all, but I can't help not to question some things anymore. I'm trying to make peace with everything, though with doing that, I feel the need to at least distance myself from all the drama, and start focusing on me. Not that I haven't been, but my dad thinks I oughta . Think about the future son, which I really haven't planned out. Shoot, I might not even be here tomorrow. But just in case I am, yea I need to start planning more :D

I ramble on and on.. Oh, with the commute too, there was actually a blind guy that got on. I admire them, making their way around with the help of the guide dog if that's what those pets are called. Anyway, I just stared there in awe when the dog was guiding the man to the seat in the bus. The man got to sit down, and the dog did the same on the floor of course, in front of the guy and just looking out the driver's view. I seriously wanted to just grab the dog, and hug it. The dog had it's back to where I was sitting, but I dunno, the way that it just sat there, with it's ears down, like it's in a deep thought, 'knowing' what his (or her) purpose was. The love, you can just sense it, if what I'm saying is making sense. It made me smile to have been a witness to something like this.

To the left to the left....

This song won me over after I saw this version...

Life's been good....

It's 0428 and I'm awake after getting woken up by a phone call around 0300. I kinda got drunk dialled by my friend M- in our Air Force days. He lives in Washington, along with my other friend C-. As some of you were aware, I considered moving to WA right after I got out of the military. Was gonna go to school full time, and become roommates with C-. But of course, that didn't happen as I am now in Northern Va.

It's actually been good so far. I got back to Virginia Saturday night around 2230 (10:L30 pm) though I didn't get to home 'til about midnight or so since my car had problems starting. I ended up having to call the security to have them jump start it for me. Got home, and went straight to bed (if I remember correctly) since I'm gonna have to make a 3-hour drive to move to my new place. That, and pack too for I didn't do it before I left for Cali. Got up the next day, and sorted through my things and figure out what stuff I'm definitely gonna need the first week, mostly work clothes, and such. I'll admit, I was getting stressed since I had all the time in the world and waited the last minute to pack my things. My plan was to leave first thing in the morning, but I didn't get to leave til about 4 in the afternoon. I made it to my new home around 1930 and pretty much hauled my stuff in and got my room set up. I don't have any furnitures yet, so took my air mattress with me so I'll have something to sleep on.

Thing was I didn't sleep AT ALL the night before my start date. The first day was pretty much an orientation at the company HQ. I really don't know why I couldn't sleep, I don't think I was that anxious about everything that's happening that it'll keep me up all night. The briefing was an all day event, and it went by smootly. It was really cold outside and the wind was blowing really hard too. Good thing I brought my overcoat. I finally found the jacket that I've been wanting to get. It's a knee-length camel overcoat, and I've been wanting one since 2003. Came across it at H&M so grabbed it since it was 50 % off too. Wow, guess clothes do make a difference. I felt good just walking around with it on, I felt like an exec. I can't help not to giggle when I pass by my reflection. I was just thinking Who is that staring at me? It felt like a dream, me walking around all adult-like and doing grown up things. At the orientation, I met one woman that I was gonna be working with, and she seemed pretty nice. She's a bit older, but it was nice to have a woman in the department. Since I started, she's kinda like the mother hen for us four guys that work for her. She usually calls us babe if we ask her questions, which I thought was just sweet. I got my company badge too. I thought it was just a temporary ID but good thing I smiled since it was something I'm gonna be keeping for who knows how long. Well, God does *grins but yea, maybe I'll scan it so you can see. Topher's first real world job.

 

The first week has been good so far. The first day went fine. I got up really early since I wasn't sure how long the commute will take. To get to work, I actually catch a bus that's right by the apartment complex where I live. Catch the Metro Bus and after that, it makes stops at a few more places before getting on the HOV lane to take us to the Pentagon station. From there, I catch the Metro to get to work. It's awesome, they have an underground mall and across the street from our building, there is even a park. It was the location that won me over too. I wanted to get a city feel where I'm working and I sure got it. Though I really haven't been eating outside because it gets really cold, and I'm still trying to get used to the cold weather. I heard it snows here too so will see. I'm getting the hang of commuting now, and it is so much better than driving to and from work. I'll be commuting unless I absolutely have to drive. I'm actually happy at this point in my life. I think being out of the military, I feel more in control now. Before, I had the family to make decisions for me. Then, when I joined the military, it was out of fear since I didn't feel like I had a way out. It's not that it was bad living with my aunt and her family, but I dunno, it's not the same living with your mom or dad. I really wanted to go back live with my dad again, but somehow I thought that everything that was happening was my doing and that I deserved even the bad things happening to me. Anyway, since I started my terminal leave on the 16th, I just had this feeling of calmness. I feel more at peace, though there's still family issues that is going on. Maybe I can talk about it later since I just wanna keep this post relevant to my move. It's been good though. I actually have had a smile on my face getting to and from work.

 

I have yet to explore more of the area but I'll get to those in due time. This past weekend, I went back to Hampton to pack up more of my things. I have 'til the 20th to vacate the apartment, so will take care of the rest this upcoming weekend. Eventhough I ended up spending the night there, I really didn't get to do much. Just sat there, or laid around just thinking a whole lot of nothing. The Christmas spirit even caught me, and I was there donwstairs, laying down in the carpet around midnight, with a Bacardi in one hand and listening to some Christmas music. When the Jackson 5 song, Give Love On Christmas Day came on, it's what got me. I cried a bit just listening to it. I'm not really sure why, but guess it just happens sometimes. After that though, I was laughing like a hyena, watching some America's Funniest Home Videos clips. I also checked out some Wii clips, and playing one seems really exciting. I think I might get one eventually. I'm trying to get my dad to get me one, so will see. I was saying it in a joking way, but it'll be neat if he does get me one. He's called a few times just to check up to see how I was doing so that's really quite something. It's a complete turn around from not getting a letter, or even a call from him.

 

Anyway, why am I telling you all this? Just kiddin. Good thing I'm wide awake right now, eventhough I slept like four hours this morning. That was really unexpected and I'll admit it made my day. That was really random, but they said they were chatting and I came up in the convo, so they figured they'd wake me up and have me join in. It made me miss hanging out with them. It seemed like it was yesterday we were all living in the same building, then now we're across the continent. They're trying to get me to visit so I just might...maybe next month!?

 

I'm still trying to get caught up with the things that we do here. Two days into the job and I'm answering calls already. It doesn't look like it's too bad, though I don't like it how our power is very limited and I can't help out the customer as much as I'd want to. It's too early to say, I'll give it a year and see how it goes. It's been good though so for all I know I might end up staying in this area. I also like having a Mon-Fri schedule. I can get used to that. This way, I can make commitments and not have to back out due to a schedule change or something. Do some volunteer work, take classes even, and go to the gym too. That way my abs would finally show. I never really bothered with getting a flat stomach, but from what I've been reading, it'll be good for my health. I'm sure if I do some sort of exercise, the love handles would go away. And to think I used to say how cute they were, I guess they still are as long as it's not mine. I'm okay the way I am  but if there's some things that can be improved, why not?

 

Aside from that, gotta work on meeting new people too. I've met one guy to be friends with, but I oughta branch out more and try to meet peeps from all walks of life. There's always something to learn from everyone, I always thought. Maybe a boyfriend soon?  Not that I'm looking, but if it happens that'll be grand. I got close to having one and I sure do like the feeling. 

 

Well, hope nobody had a case of the moondays... Me going home now. 

Seven years....

It's 0407 and I'm supposed to get up about an hour for now to start a new page in this so called life. My plan was to get to sleep around 10 or 11 last night, yet here I am. I actually just got back last night from California, and I really can't say it's jetlag coz I thought that only worked flying from one country to another, no!?

It's been a week since I last posted and there's much that has happened eventhough we we didn't do much. Me and the family really didn't go anywhere aside running errands here and there, going to the store, pick up some groceries, taking my brother to school. At least now, I don't make it a point saying my half-brother. In between, I'd get into conversations with my dad about things that transpired pretty much ever since I was a child. I know they say we can't change the past, you gotta move on, look ahead to the future but I'm not one of those who follow those. Well, I know we can't change it, but I enjoy looking back, seeing where I came from, and trying to make peace with all the things that has happened.

I'm really happy though the way I'm sounding, it's quite the opposite. But it isn't. It's really hard to keep my post short but oh well. I need to let my story out, as to why I'm not exactly sure. Anyway, the 27th of November was a big day for me. I have a thing about celebrating 'anniversaries,' pretty much dates that mean something to me. Day I joined the military, met someone, things of that nature. Well, the 27th, seven years ago was the day I finally got to see my dad. Err, he visited when I was two or three but it really doesn't count since I don't remember anything. I do but I don't. It's weird how my first memory was with him, considering I spent my infancy and childhood with my mom and her side of the family. That was my biggest dream, to finally meet him, and when I come to think about it, I didn't know where else to go from there. It was Marilyn Manson, if I'm not mistaken, who said "When your wishes are granted, your dreams will be destroyed," and just that is what happened to me. It's not that mine were destroyed, it's more of forgetting to figure out what came next.

With that, as much as I was happy being with my new family, I was a bit freaked out. I jumped right in to school that Monday after I arrived, not even thinking of how much adjusting I'm gonna have to go through. School didn't even cross my mind when I was so anxious to leave for the US, I just thought heh, that's no biggie. School's school, no matter what. First off, I hated how I started the school year and I had to take P.E. The class really didn't bother me, but it was just playing basketball EVERYday that did me in. I HATE that sport! Or as my dad says now, it's my act of rebellion since I hated things he enjoyed, i.e. sports. I used to skip class, or if I do attend it, just walk around the court over and over. Talk to some other kids, or walk around by myself. I also didn't realize how the language would be a bit barrier. I can understand English perfect, and even can comprehend it better than the other kids. I found it ironic how those who can't comprehend it that well are all outgoing and talkative, and then you had me who was struggling a bit talking, hence having issues making friends at school which lasted 'til about I graduated from high school after moving to Florida. But that's another story.

Another thing was the identity crisis. No, it's not about whether I was gay or straight. Teehee! Being of mixed race actually came into play. Growing up in the Philippines, I really couldn't say that I was one of them since I didn't look like one. Eventhough my mom is Filipina, I really didn't fit the asian features, you know, straight hair, fair complexion since I took after my dad period. Just one look, and you'd think Oh, he's black. So with that, I think that's where my sense of not belonging kinda came into play. Some would ask me questions Why are you here? Shouldn't you be in the States since that's where you're from? Even the family would say sometime how it'll be better for me to be with my dad since the US is my homeland, things of that nature. I'm sure they didn't mean no harm, but I think hearing those words growing up, it does something to you. It makes you question things. You'll ask yourself Why did I have to be different? Why can't I just look like them? Or what it came down to was what's wrong with me. Of course, now I know there isn't any. Those feelings came into play again eventually. After moving to the US, where my kinds are haha! I kinda went through the same thing. Now, eventhough I look black, I really can't say I am one. I do look like one, but I'm Asian on the inside. It got reversed. I remember thinking Why can't I be like them? Trying not to be stereotypical but back then, I was thinking If only I dressed hip hop or listen to rap, I could be cool. Lol Up to this day, I still don't dress hip hop. I dunno, I just don't have that air, whatever that is, and I can't carry the clothes the way everybody else did. But you know that's okay, can't be someone I'm not. It's kinda funy though how at the family reunion, every one had baggy clothes, and I was thinking Gah, if only I'd have grown up here, I'd dress the same. Well actually, even my friends in the Philippines did, but I just never cared much for it.

So now, I lost the point of what this post was about. That I'm back here in Virginia? About to get ready in a bit to leave for a briefing that won't start until 0830? Yet, I'm leaving around 0645 though it's only 30 mins away where I need to be. Traffic's horrible here from what I hear, so will just play it safe and get to my destination early. I got my iPod so I can watch Seinfeld or something while I wait. I'm gonna be attending the company briefing today, then tomorrow I'll start my new job. I guess I'm anxious, and excited about things. Being the new guy which can suck sometimes. Heh, I'm not even sure if this is what I'd wanna do. Well I do, but not sure how long. I suppose I could have stayed with the military until I figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up but ummm, NO to the hell No! It's not that it's bad, it did me good too but I did my time :D


Or with what happened these past seven years, me and my dad laugh about things now? We can look back with laughter, but in between those, there's an unspoken sadness. Regret for times lost, memories we could have made. Well, actually it's my mom's fault. I was supposed to come here to the U.S. when I was six, and go back to the Philippines every summer to be with her. She got scared that my dad wouldn't do what he said he would, so she kept me. Great! Nah, just kidding. Pinpointing fingers isn't gonna do anyone any good. My dad points to my mom, she points to him, and I point to both of them! Hah! I know they tried the best they could, well my mom did, and now it's my dad's turn.


The picture above, I just got a hold of the disk version since with it being taken seven years ago, the studio doesn't proofs they can print out. Anybody know a way? I got a hold of some more pictures, ones when I visited months after I joined the military, and looking at one of them I was like damn! He and I look alike. Just about everyone we meet, first thing that comes out of their mouth was that I look just like my dad. I still don't see it, but people see a lot of things I don't. But it's better that way. My friend isn't too happy with my view on things sometimes. He said how I trust so easily, blah blah blah, but I dunno, I just have faith that nothing bad will happen, and putting my trust in the right things. Oh, that also goes with people. I think there's goodness in everybody, well not all, but you know what I mean. My friend said I'm just naive which is a cover up for stupid, but that's okay.

Anyway, whoever you are reading this, hope you have a good week ahead of you and you get enough of everything :) I'll tell more about Cali next time, getting a bit tipsy, doing touristy things, seeing the bushman even! Oh, I also saw a high school world music concert that almost brought me to tears. Man, the beauty of music from around the world. This is the song that'll remind me of this time, Over the Rainbow. I never actually listened to the whole song before until now. I haven't even seen the whole movie it was written for. Hehe. I will, I will. I promise. Just think to yourself, it's a wonderful world....

As good as it gets

Yesterday was when I decided to go to the city. We really weren't doing much and I was kinda getting bored being at the house all day. It's not that I mind just being here with them, but I wanted a little alone time to just go to the city, walk around for a bit, pick up some things, and maybe meet a friend.

I was up really early, around 0730 though we ended up not leaving until around 1000. I didn't wanna wake them up to have them take me to the ferry station so I waited. It was funny how around 0930, my mom called me from their room asking me weren't i supposed to go to the city and trying to catch the ferry. I told her that I was about done. She told me to have breakfast at least since the ride is about an hour long. So did just that, I had a toast and just put butter and sugar on it. I forgot that most people, when they make toast, they put jam or jelly on it. I remembered that after I've made mine, but oh well, mine's just as good. I went back upstairs and my brother was awake too and told me that they'll just drop me off at the train station so I can catch the BART that will take me to the city. He was wanting to go to the mall too, so he got our mom to drive instead so I can be dropped off, while they can go to the mall nearby. It's about a 15-min ride and it was funny how they were telling me how the train system works. I told them I've ridden them before in other cities, and it's works just the same but they wouldn't hear any of it. They still went on and explained it over so I just shut up and listened. They're just making sure that I didn't get lost or anything so that's sweet on their end. We got to the BART station and my brother actually got out of the car, came with me to the ticket booth, and looked up the times the train is leaving, make sure I get there on time. It felt like I was the little brother venturing to the city first time alone so I can't help to chuckle on the inside.

The train ride is about 30 mins long, and after getting to San Francisco, the first thing I tried to find was the Apple store to get my brother's iPod looked at. At first, he wanted to come along with me but I told him I'll take care of it since he can't come since I might meet up with somebody. Oh okay was all he can say. The parents were asking why wouldn't he just go to the city with me, and he told them that he really doesn't feel like it since San Francisco gets old with him living here all his life. Good brother. It was a while before I found the store though, since eventhough it was by Union Square, I struggled a bit trying to find it since I'm not too familiar where everything is. It was actually one block to the left, and just going down two blocks to get to it. I ended up taking the long way heading down the wrong direction, finding a free guide, then turning right back around to where I started. On my way, trying to find the Apple store, I passed by H&M so of course, I had to make a stop and have a look around. They had this one jacket I was eyeing for back in Virginia though both stores I went to were out of stock of it. They told me to come back and check but I really haven't ventured out to Norfolk or Virginia Beach since that's about a 30-45 min drive from where I lived. Anyway, the store had it. However, few feet from it was the jacket that looked just like the one I've been meaning to get from overstock. They had this knee-length camel coat that would go really well with suits or any business attires. With the new job, I'm gonna have to wear casual business clothing so been trying to add more of those to my wardrobe. The coat looks really nice. I feel dashing just wearing it so that should be a good thing :) I feel like a
grown up with it on. I told myself I'll think it through and just come back in the evening just in case I meet up with this one guy, then once we go our separate ways. Since if I do meet him, I don't wanna be carrying a shopping bag around with me.

Finally found the Apple store and was there for about 20 mins. They might have to replace my brother's iPod since it's the audio jack that has some issues. Had to call him though, since they're going to try to do a restore first which will pretty much erase everything on it. He didn't want that since he had some things he wanted to save firstm so I told the technician I'll just come back on Monday to get it taken care of. Gives me an excuse to go back to San Francisco yay! Once that was done, I got hungry so I walked around trying to find a place to eat. I was gonna go to Subway but they discontinued the sandwich that I've been getting the past few months, the Bourbon chicken. Tried looking for Wendy's but I think I went the opposite way of Market St so obviously didn't find it and ended up right by where my mom used to work. When I was about to cross the street, a homeless guy was approaching me so I walked a little bit faster. He was yelling out Hey Big guy but I ignored him and went on my way. I kinda felt bad, but I've crossed the street already when I turned around. There was a McDonald's so that's where I end up going. Yea, I know.. I'm visiting San Francisco and that's where I'm gonna have lunch. I really didn't know where to go since I don't take guides with me when I'm a tourist. I usually rely on somebody I know to take me to a good place to dine in like in LA and NY. After I got settled in a chair, and started eating some fries, that's when my phone rang and it was the guy I was gonna meet up with, saying he's about 30 mins away and can we please have lunch right when he gets there. I said okay, though I didn't tell him I was just about to have mine haha. I was debating whether to eat half of it, or just take it to go.

Throwing away would have been a waste though I can't believe that idea crossed my mind. I remembered the homeless guy, so I thought of just putting my meal in a bag and hand it to him since it's pretty much a new order, save some fries that I've eaten. Mann, it would have been so good though. I had the mayo and ketchup all mixed up to dip my fries in. But oh well. So did just that, and stepped out to the streets again. I went back to where the guy tried talking to me earlier and of course, he wasn't there. I hang around for a few minutes
thinking he might show up, but to no avail. He never did. I saw another guy kinda sorting through the trash bin, so I came up to him nervously, and stuck my hand out and asked him Would you want this? I just ordered it and you can have it. He took it from my hands, said Thanks and I walked away. I was nervous since some might have been offended for me doing that, but good thing he wasn't. I've read how some of them get pissed when you try to offer them food, instead of money like they asked you for in the first place.

After heading down to Metreon where I was gonna meet up with Alex, I got a call from him saying he's having problems trying to find a parking spot. I ended up just hopping on his car, while he tries to find a parking garage. We were driving around for an hour before he found one since the streets were packed and traffics are barely moving. It was kinda funny observing people in this situation. You still have the nice folks thankfully, though some people can be assholes when they're driving. Anyway, we finally found a garage and got to park. Ended up going to a Chinese restaurant and had some Hawaiian BBQ Chicken which was quite good. The woman got my order wrong but I was too hungry to care so I just ate it. I ended up having a mix of BBX Chicken, and some fried fish and shrimps, instead of just the chicken. Figured I'll have a variety to try so just ate it up. Talked with Alex for a while though I find it real funny when I'm hanging out with someone and they keep talking about how many times they've been hit on, etc. He's an okay guy and just let it slide. And no,
it's not a date or anything. He has a boyfriend, and I just met up with him just for the sake of meeting him since I spoke with him a few times when I was in Virginia. We just walked around, looking at some stores here and there. Had a Cold Stone Ice cream too. We went on our separate ways after about three hours, since I was getting tired with all that walking. He needed to get back too, since his bf was getting a little jealous of this new guy he's hanging out with. On the way back to the train station, I passed by a movie theater and they were playing For Your Consideration. It wasn't gonna start for another 80 mins and I really didn't feel like waiting that long so just went ahead and headed to the station. I wanted to go to Castro too but didn't wanna go to a bar or a club with all this stuff I had with me. Just called it a day and hopped on the train back. I had a funny feeling though how I should have tried to enjoy the city more by myself. I get like that sometimes. If I'm alone, wishing I was with people. And when I'm with people, wishing I was alone. It was good getting to meet a new friend though.

On the train ride, I can't help not to smile since I felt happy inside. Happy being home, back to the place where I could have grown. It was maybe a 30-min bus ride, and I was sitting there in the dark, thinking how I can get used to this. Here and there, I still get that desire of actually living with my mom and dad eventhough I'm what, 23 now!? There's more to it of course, which I will explain eventually. From the train station, I'm gonna have to catch the bus that'll take me back to Vallejo and from there, get picked up by either Mom or Dad since the bus stop was about 2-3 miles away. As I was nearing the bus stop, my brother called asking where I was. I told him we were in Vallejo already, and that I'm just gonna walk home tonight. He kept asking if I was sure, and I told him Yes I'm sure. He probably thought it weird but he said okay and just hang up.

Well Friday, we were leaving the mall and I got into an accident. I was driving my dad's truck, my brother along with me since we went to the mall for the Black Friday sale. We were leaving the mall area and was gonna make a left turn to get on the road, and that's when we got struck. I should have paid more attention, and saw the blue car that was coming from the opposite side. It was too late. Right when I looked, it was too late to do anything and he slammed right into the side of the truck. There was barely any damage to the truck, though the guy's was a different story. The front of his car was in bad shape. I can't think of the words to describe it but yea. Nobody was hurt. I was stunned I was just sitting there shaking, thinking Wow, did that really just happen? I've never been in one before so this was quite a shock. We just sat there in the car while it was my brother that called my dad up, telling him we got into an accident. I was really scared since he let me use his truck, and something like this happens. They drove out to wherever we were to get everything taken care of. We can't call the police since the other was actually here illegally, looks like. He didn't have insurance, registration or even a license and the language was a bit of a barrier too. We really can't file a claim since the insurance company would want every detail, and with the guy not having anything, it'll be their loss. Just had to settle with some cash, since that's all that could be done really. There were some discussions but that's what it came down to.

On the ride back, I made my brother ride with Mom while i got on the truck with my dad. I apologized to my dad, and he said don't worry about it since shit happens. I went on how I'm just visiting and I'd do that to his truck. He said So now, you're just a visitor? You're back home Kris. You're not just visiting. I told him I was really scared and he asked if I thought he would have thrown me out because of what happened. I said Umm Yes, and he laughed. That's why we have insurance Kris! We would have just filed a claim if this happened and you were living with us. I laughed though I was getting all teary during the drive. I'm still sorting through some things, but it's a good feeling knowing my dad really loves me. I get these stupid thoughts that he doesn't whenever I think of the past. Of course, he always has. The problem is that I have conditions on how I'd want to be loved, and when they're not met, I think that I'm unloved by this or that person, whether it be a family member, or even a friend.

I was still a bit shaken about the whole accident, and I needed the walk last night to kinda clear my head. Tell myself that things happen. Last night, I was walking down the same streets that I used to drive down when I rode my bike. You see, I've lived here for a brief period and I can say now that I was in turmoil when I did. I was really confused about everything that's happened previously. I was torn over my love for them (my dad, stepmom, and my brother), and missing the Philippines and everyone I left behind. I was questioning so many things, and I'm not reciprocating the love they were showing me when I just moved here. I do really love them, though my action spoke otherwise. I was confused about wanting to live with them, but at the same time thinking how it'll be best to just keep things as they were. Of course, what do I know? I was a just sixteen year old boy. To be honest, I didn't think it was gonna be that hard making the move from one country to another. Maybe it really wasn't. I had the love of my family here, welcoming me with open arms. Now that I think about it, maybe love would have been enough after all. But I wanted so much more, acknowledgement of what wrong was done, and all of the answers I need to find. It was a walk I so needed, and I can say I had joy in my heart on the way back. Of course, I still wonder about all the could have been's, what if's, if only's and I always will. But last night, I was thankful for just being where I was and just thought that maybe, this is as good as it gets and just enjoy life for what it is.

Feels like home....

It's been five days now since I came to California and I would have to say it's been nice. Always, always good to spend time with the family. The weekend prior to leaving, I just mostly relaxed when I could be doing things. I've been putting off packing, and just sit around listening to music, even watching a DVD, when I could be packing. Oh well, I'll get to them when I go back. I have about a month left in the lease anyway so will just drive back one weekend and get everything taken care of. It's not really much left though, it's just some things I'm kinda torn about getting rid of. Just some Muji containers, and a futon that I bought when I was in Japan. I'm not even sure why I'm trying to hold on to them since they're just that, things. I guess something tangible that shows I DID live in that country for a while. Oh well..

So that, I've been here in Cali and tonight, we're just taking the night slow. Dad's on the phone downstairs, mom in the kitchen, brother in the room, and I, sitting here on the computer. I got in to Sacramento around 0130 Tuesday morning, with my flight totaling to about twelve hours, coming from Virginia with stop overs in Detroit, and St Louis/Minneapolis. Watching The Office, and Seinfeld on my iPod. Video iPod is sooo awesome. So Tuesday, and Wednesday, we pretty much just stayed home. Stepping out for a bit to go to the store to pick up some groceries. Wednesday, I got close to catching the ferry that'll take me to San Francisco, but after talking about it with my (step)mom, decided to wait it out. With it being the day before Thanksgiving, coming back might be a bit hard with everyone trying to get home. The ride is normally an hour but with the commuters, and everything, I'm gonna have to get in line an hour or so before the scheduled time for the ferry to come or go.

For Thanksgiving, we headed out to Fremont which is about an hour away from the house. We spent the day with my mom's cousin (I think). It ended up being okay though at first, I had that feeling of just not wanting to be there. It's weird sometimes how I'd be more at ease meeting up with strangers/bloggers, than being with family and/or relatives I've never met before. I eased up after a while since they were really good folks. The wine during dinner certainly helped too. I was buzzed though a little bit after dinner, us three young ones (my brother, his cousin and I) went to see Borat which makes it the third time I saw the movie. Went back to the house and called it a night.

Then Friday, went to the mall to catch the sale, getting into an accident on the way back.

Box of words

I have a box full worth of quotations, jokes, short stories and poems I've been meaning to put up on a website one day. It's what's helped me get through the days. Matt got me thinking this morning. It's been a while since I've looked at this box, and now that I was moving and and sorting through my things, trying to figure out what to toss or keep, I think I'm gonna keep this box after all. I always thought I'd be good at saying goodbyes, but who am I kidding, that's just something I'm not going to be good at. I did at work, when one of my coworker Charles, was gonna be gone for six weeks to attend some leadership school. It was the end of the day, and as we were walking towards our cars, I was wishing him luck in the class and to enjoy it. Yet, there I was after getting in my car, with a blurred vision since I had tears in my eyes. Can't help not to laugh as to how silly I get at times.

Or even when I was in the Philippines this past summer and it was a day or two before I was leaving. We had the prerequisite karaoke in the house :D and everybody was just having a grand ole time. I was singing Close to Heaven by Color Me Badd. I've known this song since I was in the elementary, and I guess it's my trademark song. It's what the family has me sing whenever we get together. So there I was, singing and I look over to my left and there was my aunt wiping away her tears. I just hugged her and kept on singing. Though when somebody else was singing, my emotions got the best of me and I went to the other room and had a good cry. It was of pure joy, of course. Sitting there thinking why days like this have to end!? My 2-yr old cousin saw me and just stood there looking at me. It's not like we can talk since I don't speak Norwegian, but he stayed for a little bit patting my legs. I started laughing, the same time crying if that makes sense. Anyway, there were some things said this past week that angered me a LOT. I've calmed down ever since but I guess I forget sometimes that they're not perfect, and neither am I. Yet, here I am smiling at this moment thinking of them. I'm aware that everybody's not as lucky, there are folks who doesn't even speak to their family, and for that I'm thankful it hasn't gotten to that point. I get close sometimes to doing so, but probably not. Don't you wish you can fire family!? Hahaha.

Here's one of them:

'I Wish You Enough'
What to say when you don't want to say good-bye.

I never really thought that I'd spend as much time in airports as I do. I don't know why. I always wanted to be famous and that would mean lots of travel. But I'm not famous, even though I do see more than my share of airports.

I love them and I hate them. I love them because of the people I get to watch. But the people are also the same reason I hate airports: They're all always saying "hello" and "good-bye." I have great difficulties with saying good-bye. Even as I write this, I am experiencing that pounding sensation in my heart. If I am watching such a scene in a movie, I am affected so much that I need to sit up and take a few deep breaths.

So, when faced with a challenge in my life, I have been known to go to our local airport and watch people say good-bye. I figure nothing that is happening to me at the time could be as bad as having to say good-bye. Watching people cling to each other, crying, and holding each other in that last embrace makes me appreciate what I have even more. Seeing them finally pull apart, extending their arms until the
tips of their fingers are the last to let go, is an image that stays in the forefront of my mind throughout the day.

On one of my recent business trips, when I arrived at the counter to
check in, the woman said, "How are you today?"
I replied, "I am missing my wife already and I haven't even said good-bye."
She then looked at my ticket and began to ask, "How long will you...
"Oh, my goodness, you will only be gone three days!"
We all laughed.

My problem was I still had to say good-bye. But I learn from good-bye moments, too.
Recently, I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her departure, and standing near the security gate they hugged and he said, "I love you. I wish you enough."

She in turn said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy."

They kissed and she left. He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there, I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied.

Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my dad had done for me. Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me. So I knew what this man was experiencing.

"Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" I asked

"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back would be for my funeral," he said.

"When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.'
May I ask what that means?"

He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone."
He paused for a moment and, looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more.

"When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them," he continued. Then, turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye."

He then began to sob and walked away.

My friends, I wish you enough!

Yay!

Removed vid

It's not just another day

Tonight is pretty much my last night being a part of the military. Tomorrow at 0900, once my final outprocessing is completed, I'll be one of YOU now. It feels kinda weird that these four and a half is over with and it'll be a new beginning for me within the next few weeks. Moving to a new city, being the 'new guy' in the office. Just about everything. I think I tried not to think about it too much since I get melancholy when I do, hence prompting me for another posting. Sorry that it's always that feelings that prompt me to write but sometimes, I guess when I'm happy and on top of the world I can't sit still long enough to translate them into words.

My friend, Tuey (I would have said my coworker but he's become a friend too) came by today and dropped off my sayonara doll. It was actually given to me on my going away dinner last year when I was in Japan. I was making it known that it's what I wanted and hence, they did it for me. I dunno, I enjoy just re-reading the dedications or the notes that people wrote on it. As the link showed, the doll's body unwraps into a scroll where everybody can write messages . We were debating about what to call it at work, since it was kinda funny asking people to sign my doll. Yea, a military guy trying to get his doll signed. Hahaha. We considered calling it a scroll since that's what it actually is, but that's too nerdy according to one coworker.

Pretty much everybody I worked with signed it which makes me glad. It still wasn't too late that I opened up and actually talk talk and hang out with my coworkers. They all commented how the sudden change came about when I got really close to leaving which to a certain extent is true. Before, I come in and pretty much kept to myself. Listening to conversations, laughing and nodding along, but barely saying a word. I know, I know, sometimes it's my insecurity kicking in making me think that I don't have anything worthy to input. Well that, and I was worried I might get found out sometimes. With that whole don't ask, don't tell, it really scared me to get kicked out because of my orientation so I tried to keep off of the radar and not get too noticed.

That's actually one of the reasons that I'm ending my enlistment. I could say that I really did well as an airman (instead of being a soldier like in the army) and did things the best that I could. Never get in trouble, no negative feedbacks whatsoever, actually caring in whatever it was that I'm doing. Not trying to brag, but at one point when I tried getting out earlier than my contract actually stated, three of our leadership sat me down for a conversation and pretty much told me they didn't want me out of the service. Anyway, I really couldn't tell them that's one of my reasons. But then, you have ones who stay in the closet for like 20 years and suck it in but it's not for me. Kudos for them, but I can't live like that. It's not like I'm totally out and walk around with a rainbow in my forehead, but I think to just be able to be open about it and not to hide it completely would do. It really doesn't have anything to do with my ability to perform my job and duty, but the others think likewise. They think it'll be detrimental to a unit's morale to have homosexuals in their unit. They're not banned in other countries, but sadly it is here in this country. How many good men they have lost because of this stupid policy?

As I was saying, I opened up more my last few weeks and maybe to a certain point, it's a shame that I didn't get to experience everything completely. Well to an extent, it was hard since I was pretty much the only single guy in our department. Just about everybody is either married or have kids so that doesn't leave me much. There was Dan- but we only got to work in the same shift like a month or so. It's all good though. At least, I got to know him for a bit. Going to lunch, giving him a ride home and just bs'ing with. He's a loudmouth so I steered clear of him for a while. But he's a good guy, after I got to sit down and talked to him. We have the same likes as far as movies, and some tv show goes so that was neat. That, and how he's on the net all the time just surfing since he didn't have anybody to hang out with. I still do that here and there though I'm trying to change that and be more social. I'm likeable enough. Sometimes though, it takes too much effort to try to make friends that I just give up on it completely. Over the summer, after coming back from the Philippines, everything that happened took its toll on me more than I expected. I just put on a brave face and really didn't tell anybody what I was going through. I pretty much shut down. Not see my friends, barely left the house. Work, home, sleep, repeat. Wake up, and lay on the floor crying. Missing the family, grieving over the loss. I was in a mountaintop because of pure happiness just having them around, then to be catapulted back again to living alone affected me greater than I imagined. But then, there's always balance like they say. I was in my highest high, and had to experience the lowest low. So it was pretty much saying bye to Dan- that got me thinking about all this. We didn't really become close friends like I did with folks back in Japan but it was still good.

On Saturday, we actually had a little get together at Friday's. We had Friday off so I used that day to drive down to Northern Virginia to look at some places to live in. I looked at five or six places, and as always I ended up going with the very first one I checked out. It's an apartment, I was hoping for a group house to live in but maybe later. This is my introduction to the DC life so will see how that'll go. I went with my friend JT which wasn't too bad. Spent Friday looking which was actually exhausting, then Saturday we got to go to IKEA and I am sooo definitely picking up some things after my move. I'm selling the furnitures that I have right now since I won't be needing them in the room I'm gonna be getting. I thought about taking the futon that I have. However, it sits really low like six inches above ground and I could go for something higher now. I'm gonna have to start packing soon as well, so I can give the leasing office a termination date for the lease. I'm trying to minimize to where I can just put everything in my car and up and move wherever if I do choose.

I made it back by Saturday afternoon to be sure I can go to the going away. A good time was had by all, I'd have to say. We hang around the bar for a few hours, and I had some beer eventhough I wasn't supposed to. I'm probably not being as careful as I should be, but I only had two was thinking it wouldn't hurt to just have two glasses right!? Around 10, we all went to see Borat though me and Dan- saw it the opening night. Borat is hilarious! Good thing I saw it the week prior coz this time around, I was out midaway through the movie. I woke up and it was the last 20 mins or so of the movie. Dan- on the otherhand slept through the WHOLE movie, but then he had about 10 drinks. Again, waiting for the pictures to come though it was mostly Dan-'s. It's all about making memories man!

We just shook hands on my way out and wished each other luck. Him, making his way to Korea in a few weeks, while it's off to NoVa I go. I definitely will miss the military and everything that came along with it, the good, the bad. Great people I met, getting to live in Japan (though didn't take advantage of it), the experiences I went through. Sometimes I wonder how different my life would have been if I hadn't joined? But I can't see it to be honest. This is where I needed to be at this point in my life, and longing for something different is a waste. "Everything you have done and been through is valuable and important. In order to be who you are, to know what you know, to be where you are in this moment, you needed to go through what you went through." Rings true, doesn't it?

Hopefully I can always remember that "The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with. I mean, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice. And yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family. But probably all you have in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day. And so obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with it can mean a lot."

I'm glad that I did, and I pray that I would wherever I end up. It's what has helped to keep me going. I wish the same for you.

Signing off,
Senior Airman Kristopher _____
United States Air Force
2002-2006

Mistah Shaggy

Ugh! I'm trying to get this deleted off of the zippyvideos since I uploaded it anonymously by mistake, and now can't effing delete it. I e-mailed their tech support to get it taken off which I hope they really do. That might be a bit too much having strangers watch this clip.

P.S.
They haven't deleted it so there's the link above. It's a wig. Come onnnnn!

Halloween

I've never actually don a custome for Halloween. It's just something that I wasn't ac-custome-d to. Philippines, among other countries, do it differently and instead of throwing parties or going trick or treating, it's a day where they honor the dead. With it being a Spanish colony for over 300 years, it's adopted a lot of culture and traditions with All Saint's Day being one of them, Araw ng mga Patay (Day of the dead). It's pretty much a holiday where people get time off from school/work so that they can go back to their hometowns to visit the family graves. It was always nice though, seeing people gathered by their family tombstones, taking times from their schedule to get together with the rest of the living. Light up some candles, saying a prayer, then just hang around the cemetery until the wee hours of the day, or even night. Eventhough it's a solemn occassion, it was enjoyable since it was a time of reminiscing and listening to stories and anecdotes. In my teenage years, I'd visit with the family usually but come night time, it's off with friends I go to walk around the cemetery. People-watching, telling ghost stories, or even looking at the mausoleums. The cemetery was walking distance from where I lived, and it actually was right behind my old elementary school. I remember getting freaked out with the thought of all the dead becoming undead and taking over our town. I'd scheme plans in my head on ways to try to escape, or defeat them. Ah, if only I had superpowers.

This year, I really wasn't planning on dressing up since with Halloween being a workday, figured I'll just stay in and watch a movie or something. I didn't even buy candies for the kids. I was just going to not answer the door if they do come by. Sometime during the day, my friend MJ e-mailed and asked me what I was gonna be doing for the evening. I told her I wasn't sure yet even if I meant to not do anything. She texted a few more times, and I kinda got to thinking of not wanting to be alone that evening since I'm sure people are going to some party or something. I just enjoy spending my workdays pretty quiet. Before, I won't even hang out with friends during the week since it felt like it was taking away from "me time." I had a lot of those in Japan, maybe a little too much, but at that point in my life, it was what I needed to help me make sense of everything that's happened to me. Trying to figure out the why's and why not's, wondering about the what if's, thinking of the if only's.

Anyway, I bought a shag wig few days ago, and some devil accessories, just to have something to fall back on. I've always wondered how I'd look if I had straight hair so halloween was a good excuse to buy one. The first time I tried it on, it looked like I was a cave man. Maybe I just wasn't used to having straight hair so it was a bit of a shock. I mentioned to MJ that I have the wig, and she told me I should bring it down. When we were on the phone, the idea of me wearing it on my drive to VA Beach which is about 30 mins away, popped up and so we agreed to a deal. I'd wear it through the whole drive, and once I arrive, she will buy me a subway sandwich.. Eat Fresh! Yea, guess I'm easy huh :P Eventhough there was no way for her of knowing I wore it one day, we had an agreement and so I put it on. It grew on me during that period, that even when we had to go by a store, and go by Subway to get my sandwich, I kept it on.

I got to meet her boyfriend sometime in the evening while I hang out their place for a while, debating whether I'll come with them to the club. There's a bar that'll have a Halloween event. I ended up forcing myself to go, reasoning that this only happens once a year and shouldn't be KJ (kill joy - term used for a person who tries to ruin the fun times, or be negative = Debbie Downer in a sense). I didn't have a custome so MJ had me come with her bf to the mall to pick out a custome the last minute. At the mall, all I kept thinking was how too much work it'll be getting donned up. I had some black boots on, and a black/white/gray striped socks, and the matching outfit to it was a pilgrim's. Yep, I dressed up as a pilgrim on my first Halloween. MJ and her bf were the vampire/devil duo, then you had me. She took some pictures, and I might post a pic with me in pilgrim get up. It got me thinking of Pilgrims, and Indians and all I can think of was Jerri Blank ("Protect me Satan!") You'll have to watch the show to see what I'm talking about. We had a good time, there were more drag performers. The one I mentioned in the last post was there too, thank goodness I had to use the restroom when she came on stage. There were some really nice customes, and for the contest they had, the first prize went to the One Nightstand. It was awesome! This one lady had a nightstand on, and it had a lamp (with a bra slung over it), pack of cigarettes, one opened, then some unused condoms, and lube. It was hilarious. I was rooting for her too. It was funny since she can't see out of it, so the lady had to be directed by the others on where to go, and how many steps to take front or back for the judging.

I didn't get home 'til 2 am, that is after stopping by the car wash, filling my tank and grabbing JR bacon cheeseburgers yum yum. I had to get up at 5 am, so I was worried I might not wake up, set up about 7 things that'll go off when I needed to wake up. It worked! Though the bed's been calling me now to make up some sleep.

Aside from that, had a good day at work. Just sitting there, and bs-ing at times with people when the phones weren't ringing. I'm gonna miss these folks. Called my dad up too since he had back surgery done earlier today. I kinda felt bad, and wished I could have been there with them. I didn't know what he was talking about when he kept asking me what time I was coming by. I was like huh!?, what!? then Ohhhh when I realized what he meant. We just spoke for a little bit since he was still drugged up, and his food came in when we were on the phone as well. It was a nice talk though, he was teasing me a bit about wanting to live in a city, keeping track of football games (yeah right!), and whether my "girl" ever cooks for me. He asked me what I had for dinner and told him it was left over spaghetti so he commented as to shouldn't be my girl cooking. I just laughed it off since that's all I can do really. I don't confirm, but I don't deny either. I'm gonna get to see them soon though. I'm visiting Nor Cal for Thanksgiving since doubt I'll be home for christmas...... if only in my dreams.

Started corresponding with Daniel again so I'm glad about that too. I don't feel the same way as I used to, but I can't help not to think how he's doing sometimes. It was around this time last year that we chatted constantly, which led to us meeting six weeks later. Can't help to smile since that was unexpected.

M- might be out of the picture. Just something that transpired over the past weekend.

Suddenly something....

I didn't get to see M- that Friday night since two of his dogs ended up missing. We were supposed to meet two hours prior (around 8:30 pm) after I coaxed him to hang out with me. When I called, he got out of the shower so he pretty much needed to get dressed and leave. I asked him not to shave but he insisted so I told him to do whatever. Hour passed and he texted saying he's not ready yet, he had three phone calls one after the another so I said ok. Then, half an hour later, he called and said that he's driving around trying to find his dogs, Pep and Ging (spices). I got angry and all I could think of was how lame he'd use THAT as an excuse. All I can say was hope they turn up and leave it at that.

I really was itching to stay out that night so called my friend MJ and told her that I'm in the area and was thinking of going out. She went on as to how I shouldn't be going out alone and that she's not really doing anything so she wouldn't mind coming along as well. I told her how I was supposed to meet M- but ended up changing our plans since his dogs went missing. MJ's good with relationships so, being more expert that I was, she said You should have offered to help him find them! Yea, guess you're right I told her but nah, I'm going out tonight. She said she will come too and to give her half an hour to get changed and everything. I headed down to where the club was and called my cousin Nani to help kill time. 30 mins later, and still no MJ. Texted and asked her where she was, and she replied saying she was on her way. She lived maybe 15 mins away from the club, and half an hour later still no MJ. I got worried, thinking that Oh no! She might have been in an accident! since I called and no one picked up. I was freaking myself out thinking that of course, if she didn't pick up, that's coz she can't get to it foo'

She messaged around midnight telling me to just go in to the club and find her other guy friend. Between all these times, my 'courage' of going in by myself has dwindled. I was debating whether I should go or not. Of course I went in since that's what I came for damnit. I just stayed for about half an hour though. It's pretty much the same thing they were doing when I came few months ago so booo! They had this one drag queen that just sucked. Trying not to be mean but the whole time I was watching her, all I can think of was wtf? Her face looked swollen throughout, and she's out there in the stage performing?! It's swollen like how my eye did when I got bitten by a roach in my eyelids when I was asleep. Anyway, I was chuckling how I could do betta than her, just throw me in some dress and put make up on. Would I do it? Oh yeah! Nah, just kidding, it's nice to dream though huh? Not that I've toyed with being in drag *cough cough No, not really. I'm alright performing in the confines of my room, and sharing it out to you guys every once in a while. Dunno about sharing ones with my dance moves though, might be a little bit too much :P

Oh, I can't drink anyway so that's not gonna do much being sober out in the bars/clubs. It's nice to have a little buzz going which somehow helps to boost one's confidence. I had a glass of Coke and left a little bit after. Oh, M- texted too while I was heading down to the club. He asked Come spend the night with me when you're done? I didn't know what to say so I didn't reply, then 10 mins later he kinda took it back saying how that was out of line for him to ask. I texted saying we probably won't get to leave 'til 1:30 am so some other time maybe?! He didn't respond after that. I left the club maybe around 12:30, and considered actually calling M- and telling him I'm coming by. Kinda cheer him up with his two dogs missing and all. I didn't though, and went home since I wanted to be myself after being stood up, in a sense, by two people.

So got home, and was up 'til about 5, just talking my cousin. Oh yea, I can talk to her for hours. She's one I can talk to just about anything, or call just for the sake of it. Either her, or here. I really didn't have any outlet so to speak growing up. Some had writings or poetry, some had paintings, some had music. Me, nothing. I seriously don't remember having any. I think I internalized everything that's happened, and now that I have this, been letting it out every once in a while. Have something tangible at least. That's why I don't write much about the affairs of the world. I'm sure bloggers out there do that already, so I'm just here to mostly write about me.

Saturday. I hang around the house mostly after waking up around 2 pm. Just did some chores, around the house. Called the family up!? I think. I don't remember much except that evening, I ended up on the other side of the water to see M. His friend, who has the same name as I do, was there so I just let them be while I mostly played with the dog that was left behind. Oh dear, I can't remember the dog's name rt now. He's kinda new and I was still trying to like him more. I like Ging- coz she's so like me, she just takes a seat back and let the others get the attention. Pep- likes to lick a lot which took a little getting used to since I haven't had to deal with animals the longest. They're BIG too. Labradors, though don't recall if they're full breed or whatever.
Had M- watch Nighty Night which he liked too, thankfully. It's a brit show and it had the darkest humor from anything I've seen. You wouldn't know if you'd feel guilty or just laugh with some things that went on in the show. So yea, went to sleep around 3 and got woken up around 7:30 since one of the dogs, Ging- came back. Then, an hour later a sherriff called saying that he found Pep- tangled up by a wire fence. It was Pep- that had M-'s contact info but it was nice to have all three back. I was still sleepy so stayed in bed though all three dogs joined in too, after they got to eat since the two were starving after being gone for a day and a half. (Getting sleepy now so will go to bed. This was longer than what I intended to write :) and that was just part of the weekend)

Strangers with me

Well the 'war game' ended right on Midnight Thursday so got to go home right after coming back for lunch. We worked twelve hours shifts this week, and were given two hour lunches so it wasn't too bad. The first night was kinda funny how we didn't have any tables, chairs or anything. So we had to sit on the ground struggling to stay awake. We just had 'simulated' chairs, while I had a simulated bed since I was sprawled out on the grass. We were inside a tent though so it helped keep the breeze out since it got really cold.

I brought in my laptop the second night so that helped to pass time. There would be influx of people around 4-7 pm which is usually when shift change happens. Then die down for a bit, then some come in around midnight. It's around this time that the 'attacks' usually happen. Since I'm a non player (doesn't participate in the exercise), I don't need to do anything but for those who are, they had to put on their gas mask and gloves and hide (usually under a desk if you're in the office or under a roof/concrete (if you're outdoors). During that time, you'll have to stay in the same spot and not do anything. Not even walk around the office like everything was fine. You've been attacked, take cover!! I remember how at my old base that we usually end up napping during these times. The attack mode would last a few hours at times, and napping's the most that we could do, for the night shifters.

It wasn't bad at all, eventhough it felt like temping. I had to work with people I didn't know, so crash course in getting to know them and find things to talk about. Surprisingly it was fun though I was quiet at first but broke out of the shell eventually. I had to work with four other people, so had to take it slow though and talk to only one of them at first. I'm not a big fan of group conversations where it's like playing ping pong, somebody picking right up where another one left off. I got a bit annoyed since one kid kept calling me out when I was quiet or kinda keeping to myself. Why are you quiet (last name!?) What are you doing __!? What's that you're reading ?! What are you thinking!? Gah, leave me alone but at the same time glad he's asking me. Yea, I can be a weirdo. He was the one who loved Arrested Development and Strangers with Candy though so he earned bonus points for that. That was all I had on my laptop, well Spongebob too. So it's not really something "guys" would wanna watch. During the attacks, since the tent was a transition point, some people opted to hang around instead of donning on their mask. Pretty much all of them ended up liking the show, though the first thing out of their mouths is "God!! Her face!!" Even people who were sitting behind the laptop ended up moving their chairs to see what Jerril was all about (smiles).

I stayed up 'til about 5 a.m. just talking to my cousin after getting home four and a half hours prior. I don't even remember what we talk about sometimes. Just different things, what we think about our situation, things that happened, family, relationships, just about anything really. Some people find our relationship weird but I can say she's a friend of mine too. We bonded after I stayed with them for two years. Then after me joining the military, her following suit about a year and a half later. Her job sucked though so feel bad for her but all I can tell her it'll be all over in the morning. Like Iyanla said, even if that morning lasts for months or even years, things eventually get better. At one point though, I put a damp on our relationship when she was with me in Japan. She ended up "vacationing" for three months. So it's us two, in a 10x1 5 room. It drove me nuts after a while. And I just go silent and not speak to her in that little space we are in. After she left, I regretted doing that to her. That was the same thing that about killed me when her dad did that, and there I was doing the same thing that I told myself I would never do to people. I apologized over it, and we're okay now. When my emotions get the best of me though, I still cry about the past and the things I did and didn't do. I've asked for forgiveness, and it's up to the people I've made amends to whether to accept it or reject it. I can only move on.

It was a good weekend though. That Thursday evening, I've also been texting this one girl Rav-. We've been e-mailing each other couple of weeks prior when she was still in Washington, before she made the move here to the area to be with her boyfriend. That's lovely, moving cross country to be with the one you love (smiles)
Well we kinda got to know each other after she e-mailed about the mattress I was selling. With my impending move (which I thought was gonnabe Florida), I was gonna get rid of my furnitures and just keep the essential things. It's silly how sometimes I get the idea of trying to get it down to a suitcase worth, and have a new beginning. A suitcase is all I had when I moved to the U.S. and sometimes when I look around, I wonder in amazement how I've accumulated all these things. Of course, I'm thankful though I try not to get attached to them. Most of the things we 'think' we need, we really don't. Everything that's important is kept in a place that no one else can take away from you.

Oh dear. Come Friday, I woke up around noon and got a phone call from my manager asking why I didn't come in to work that morning. He heard that it ENDEX (exercise ended) around midnight, and so I should have gone to work like some folks that he knew. Explained to him that even though it ended 12 am, I can't expect to just go home and fall right to sleep and wake up the next day to work a regular shift. All I can say is sorry since it's a no-win situation. He's higher ranking than I am, and that's pretty much all that matters with my current field of work. He's a good guy otherwise, though guess he get stressed out with the way things go at work. So after that, I kinda was cursing the mil. I had to get ready though since I was meeting Rav- later on that afternoon. For the life of me, I was regretting asking her to hang out. This is someone I've never met and wasn't even sure if we had anything in common. But hey, only one way to find out right? She's new here, so I thought I'd show her around or something with whatever knowledge I have of the area. And it went well! We hang out for about four hours (not that I'm keeping track of time). Just walked around the mall, then took her with me to the Apple store to get a video iPod since my older one died (it started working the day after, but M-'s buying it now so it's all good) I asked her if I should get warranty, and she looked at me like I was crazy. Ah yea, you definitely would want that was what she told me. So off to the cashier I went, and paid it off. Reminding him during that I get a discount since I'm affilated with so and so.... After that, we made our way out to the parking lot. But that was before we passed by a father and son as we neared the exit.

I'd say Filipino since there's tons in this area because of the naval base. The dad had his son sitting on his shoulder, the kid probably around 3 or 4 yrs old. The kid looked at me and right when we met each other's gaze, the first thing out of his mouth was "What's up Dawg!?" It was soo adorable, him covering his mouth right after he said it. All three of us adults just busted out laughing since that just came out of nowhere. That made me glad I went to hang with Rav- since none of this would have happened if I wasn't with her. After leaving the mall, drove her around Downtown Norfolk, then took her to Ghent (a neighborhood I've come to love). They have these cafes and restaurants around the neighborhood, though what got me was the Naro Cinema. One of those theaters that show independent films and subtitled movies. Yay. It was where I got to see Strangers With Candy, and Mrs Palfrey at the Claremont. Then in the upcoming weekend, Rocky Horror Picture Show? Ra- told me that I should go after I let her in to the fact I've never watched the movie. We were trying to find in the pamphlet as to when they'll show it, though we felt silly looking up and saw in bold black letters in front of us the days it'll be playing. We walked around the neighborhood for a bit, checking out crafts store where you get to paint your own ceramic, and a store that had home decors, and random knick knacks. After that, we left and headed back to the mall where we met up. Stood around the parking lot just talking, her telling me what happened to their truck that got messed up by a pole. A good time was had by both of us, and I felt good when she said that she's glad to have made a friend on her own, and not through her boyfriend. I raq! Hehe

Ra- drove off and inside the mall I went and phoned M- so I can see him....

Nights....

After working days last Sunday, I had to adapt right the next day and do the evening shift. It'll just be for this week though, working twelve hours which can be a drag at times. They had to have even one person at work over the weekend and I volunteered for Sunday to get it over it, earning me a comp day which I got to use last Friday for the interview instead of taking leave/vacation.

It's weird how this whole time I kept wishing if I could just be at work all by myself, I'll be happy. Won't let that happen again!! It wasn't as great as I had it envisioned. It got lonely just sitting there with nobody to talk to. I brought some DVD's to watch, and books to re-read bu really didn't get to any of them. I watched Wallace and Gromit's first 10 minutes but stopped it since I didn't want something playing in the background while I ate. I like the quiet sometimes. Just sitthing there thoughts running through my head, wondering about things.

I pretty much stayed the same spot those 12 hours I worked. At one point, I got close to calling people I know just so I can have somebody to talk to. The feeling went away so that was a good thing. Mostly spent the rest of the day tweaking my iPod which is now dead, working on my mom's paperwork, setting up some spreadsheets, and just going through a bud's archive. I thought about posting with ALL that downtime I had but just sat there, and endeed up not writing anything. Funny how sometimes I think my life's too boring I'll fall asleep just writing about goings-on or the lack of it. It's all in my head though, and I think that happens when I think the others are living a more exciting life. But at the same time, what brings us joy and/or happiness varies from one person to another so it can't really be compared. That's stupid when I do that.

Anyways, with the mom thing, I'm just trying to get her paperwork done and over with which hopefully is in the very last stages. She's more than likely gonna be staying with my aunt (her sister) instead of me. This warrants a post of it's own, to go along with one I started two months ago. I wish I can go back to a day where I didn't judge my parents, and just love them for who they are. I tell myself they tried the best they can with what they have, but sometimes I can't help to think differently. Maybe it wasn't as easy as I think it was, or it might have been, there's really no way of knowing.

Anyway, for this week I'm part of an exercise where we 'play war.' Good thing I'm a non-player though which means I don't have to put on a gas mask or anything if we get 'attacked.' I'm an entry control point guy, making sure that people have all their equipment, and that it's labelled correctly. Lots of people go through the tent, and it's fun getting to look at some. Cute guys, and gals (mostly guys :). We have to brief them as to what's been happening, and advice them on what gears to wear. With the labelling, one goes on the right breast pocket and I've had to actually write their names down on a tape, then stick it on their chest. Ooolala. Especially if they're cute. I develop like 20-sec crushes but it kinda goes away so that's a good thing. Though I'd have to admit I have a thing when someone that wears a flight suit. I remember it making my goal to sleep with one who does, but I'm kinda over that. It hasn't been too bad though, working the entry control point. Though sometimes like today, I just wanted to stretch out on the floor and sleep. Hey, at least now we had chairs and tables! Last night, we didn't have any so ended up sitting on the grass. It's 4 pm to 4 am and it's a little over 5 so I'm going to bed now.

I actually haven't talked with the company I interviewed for. It was supposed to be Monday, but the recruiter e-mailed saying he didn't know anything yet so will get back to me when he does. Come Tuesday, he called twice but I ended up missing his calls since I was busy letting people in. He said he'll call again tomorrow so will see. It's a bit hard to say what the outcome was because it was hard to tell with his voice. So will see tomorrow.

My eyes is about ready to shut so will go to bed now before I type up random letters that doesn't make sense.

P.S.
I finally got to talk to the recruiter today, 1321 after playing tag all day yesterday and he said that the agency's having a tough time making their decision. It's down to me and one other guy so yea, they will make the final decision later on today. The recruiter said he has a good feeling they'd pick me, but really can't get my hopes. I'm thinking positive, but at the same time, not having high expectations. If that makes sense. Having expectations is a sure way to disappointment, and I think not having any, or barely any makes life more surprising since you never know what's around the corner.

Me soo hor... sleepy

I'm trying to stay awake since I will be working night shift tomorrow but I can't hold it any longer. The bed's calling me. Interview went okay last Friday. I wasn't sure if I wanted the position, then I saw the area and kinda fell for it. It was just lovely. Park right across the building, with a fountain that you can just sit by during whenever. Tomorrow is when they're gonna make a decision as to who they'll be wanting to come aboard. My friend JT said they'll call whether I'll get an offer or not. I probably won't answer when somebody calls since I gotta run some errands anyways.. It's like I wanna get it but I don't. Yep, way to confuse the universe. More when I wake up early.. If a guy say 'that's my boy' and calls me baby, does that make it official? Teehee

Have a good week ahead of ya.

I've got something to say...

Last week was the start of our regular schedule and I'm gonna have to say that it's been kicking my ass.. Monday, I woke up 0630 when I should have been at work 30 minutes prior. Called in and told my Staff Sergeant (SSgt) that I'm gonnabe a just a little bit late. So got showered, put on my uniform, grabbed some oatmeal and off to work I went. Kinda good that I live only about 10 mins away from the base. The most traffic I would encounter is people trying to get on base, which can take 10-20 mins just to get through the gates. I finally got to come in at 0715, and I was actually forgiven since the SSgt said that it was our first day with the new schedule so it's okay.

Our new hours is 0600-1500 so it's not too bad. Got home, and kinda forced myself to run. I usually follow the road leading to downtown, though it seems that it's a non-exciting one. There's barely any businesses/company's even in the area so yea. It's nice though running through the bridge over the river, so that's a reason why I run there. Though the chances of running into people doing the same thing, is slim to none. When I was crossing the street, despite of the no crossing sign, I was trying to do it too quickly that I ended up losing my footing for a brief moment. I kinda giggled thinking how silly that was, and went on as if nothing happened. After getting to the other side however, I looked at this one car with the guy yelling HAH! I SAW THAT!!! so I just grinned and kept on running.

Well Tuesday, I woke up early with a lot of time to spare and was really glad about
that. I arrived at work early, though when I was crossing the street, I saw my coworker walking in and all I can utter was Ooops. With it being a Tuesday, we were supposed to come in to work with this uniform with my camouflage on, instead of wearing the blues which pretty much everybody hates. I like it on the other hand, since I feel all professional going to work in a tie. Will post a pic later on to show the difference between the two.

Last, last weekend was actually good, not that my days off have been bad. I usually just stay home when I'm off, and watch movies or just lay around and do nothing. That's the greatest! I'm not much of a busy bee guy, and don't try to find stuff to do just because. (Two weeks ago) So Friday, after finding out I have the weekend free and coming home, I was really antsy and didn't know what to do. I had one of those days where I was wanting to do something, no matter what as long as it got me out of the house. I could have called my friends but I didn't. Instead I got on g.com, and went to the chatroom to see how it'll go. I log in, but really don't initiate conversations since I kinda suck at it. I'd start talking to someone and just run out of things to say sooo yea.. M- messaged greeting me 'Hi! Happy Friday :D' so that made me laugh. We probably talked for about two hours, though he got quiet here and there. And me having that antsy feeling, I kept on talking and talking and trying to get him to hang out. It's not that I like like him, but I just had that feeling of wanting to get out of the house, yet not be myself if I do so. It's not that I don't like my company, but it's nice to step out of the bubble and meet some new folks. I was even singing Abba's song Take a chance on me, well just the Take a chance take a chance take a take a chance since he was hesitant about meeting me.

He actually told me later on that the reason was that he thought I was just coming over so I can drink some of his wine, and that'll be it. He said since after he mentioned wine, that's when it looked like I got all excited over going to his house and hanging out.. Jeeez. Written words sure can be misinterpreted sometime.. Will tell more later but I've finally broken out of the one-meet policy I seem to have with guys. I've actually seen him twice after our first meeting. Second time was that Sunday where I got lost for an hour and a half going back and forth on the interstate. But I still stopped by. At one point, wherever I was was really close to where I lived that M- told me to just go home and call it a night. I said no, I've been driving all this time so might as well stop by. It would have been all in vain if I just went home, ya know. Though that happening frustrated me, I felt better after seeing him. I was at his place 'til about midnight which brought about me being late to work as previously mentioned.

There's been other things in my mind lately, and will tell more one of the next few days. Just things going through my head. Family, friends, career change..Actually this Friday, I'm going back up to the DC area to do another interview with this one company. The first time was with the manager of the hiring company (oh which by the way surprised me how good I did at the interview) I can't even imagine the thoughts popping up in my head as I was driving. Oh my god, what's gonna happen if my car breaks down? What if I get into accident and would have to call them to cancel? So much for positive thinking!! Hahaha I did well enough to warrant a second interview :) This second time around though, I'll be meeting up with the hiring manager once again, to go to the actual agency i MIGHT be working for. See what the actual workcenter is going to be, though I have a feeling it'll be another windowless office (T_T) They tend to drive me nuts sometimes since it makes me miss just looking at the sun or the things going on outside. I'm gonna be meeting the actual people I will be working with/for. Somehow I really feel good about this position. The past week or so though, sorta questioning whether I wouldn't mind doing tech support once again. Sorta getting frustrated at work, which was a rare thing for me to happen. I get easily contented wherever I'm put, but it's being kept out of the loop that was driving me nuts.

But I think, with being a civilian, I'll feel freer knowing that I can up and quit if I'm not happy with the way things are going. Coz with the current situation, they'll pretty much tell ya to get over it since you knew what you're getting into after joining. Ha! If I knew, I wouldn't have joined in the first place. Haha It's been good in the long run. Five weeks to go before I'm out. Woohooo!!

It's actually been about a year now since I first started this good ole. And for that, I'm glad that I kept on though I got really close to getting rid of it right after I started it. I freaked out when I thought I might have pissed a blogger over something I wrote. But anyways, though there hasn't been more entries as there could have been. Just thought I'd say thanks to you guys, and gals namely: Robert, Matt, Rey, Jon, Mush, Dessie, Cesar, Joy, and Mike. Thanks for letting us peek into your lives. It's great to have known you so far :) And also, for reading mine, of course. Taking notice of a boy, and giving him a sense of belonging in this cyberspace. Thanks!

You hear me!?

This is going around the internet. Might be funny to some, might not be... Everybody want a piece of my chicken...