It's not just another day

Tonight is pretty much my last night being a part of the military. Tomorrow at 0900, once my final outprocessing is completed, I'll be one of YOU now. It feels kinda weird that these four and a half is over with and it'll be a new beginning for me within the next few weeks. Moving to a new city, being the 'new guy' in the office. Just about everything. I think I tried not to think about it too much since I get melancholy when I do, hence prompting me for another posting. Sorry that it's always that feelings that prompt me to write but sometimes, I guess when I'm happy and on top of the world I can't sit still long enough to translate them into words.

My friend, Tuey (I would have said my coworker but he's become a friend too) came by today and dropped off my sayonara doll. It was actually given to me on my going away dinner last year when I was in Japan. I was making it known that it's what I wanted and hence, they did it for me. I dunno, I enjoy just re-reading the dedications or the notes that people wrote on it. As the link showed, the doll's body unwraps into a scroll where everybody can write messages . We were debating about what to call it at work, since it was kinda funny asking people to sign my doll. Yea, a military guy trying to get his doll signed. Hahaha. We considered calling it a scroll since that's what it actually is, but that's too nerdy according to one coworker.

Pretty much everybody I worked with signed it which makes me glad. It still wasn't too late that I opened up and actually talk talk and hang out with my coworkers. They all commented how the sudden change came about when I got really close to leaving which to a certain extent is true. Before, I come in and pretty much kept to myself. Listening to conversations, laughing and nodding along, but barely saying a word. I know, I know, sometimes it's my insecurity kicking in making me think that I don't have anything worthy to input. Well that, and I was worried I might get found out sometimes. With that whole don't ask, don't tell, it really scared me to get kicked out because of my orientation so I tried to keep off of the radar and not get too noticed.

That's actually one of the reasons that I'm ending my enlistment. I could say that I really did well as an airman (instead of being a soldier like in the army) and did things the best that I could. Never get in trouble, no negative feedbacks whatsoever, actually caring in whatever it was that I'm doing. Not trying to brag, but at one point when I tried getting out earlier than my contract actually stated, three of our leadership sat me down for a conversation and pretty much told me they didn't want me out of the service. Anyway, I really couldn't tell them that's one of my reasons. But then, you have ones who stay in the closet for like 20 years and suck it in but it's not for me. Kudos for them, but I can't live like that. It's not like I'm totally out and walk around with a rainbow in my forehead, but I think to just be able to be open about it and not to hide it completely would do. It really doesn't have anything to do with my ability to perform my job and duty, but the others think likewise. They think it'll be detrimental to a unit's morale to have homosexuals in their unit. They're not banned in other countries, but sadly it is here in this country. How many good men they have lost because of this stupid policy?

As I was saying, I opened up more my last few weeks and maybe to a certain point, it's a shame that I didn't get to experience everything completely. Well to an extent, it was hard since I was pretty much the only single guy in our department. Just about everybody is either married or have kids so that doesn't leave me much. There was Dan- but we only got to work in the same shift like a month or so. It's all good though. At least, I got to know him for a bit. Going to lunch, giving him a ride home and just bs'ing with. He's a loudmouth so I steered clear of him for a while. But he's a good guy, after I got to sit down and talked to him. We have the same likes as far as movies, and some tv show goes so that was neat. That, and how he's on the net all the time just surfing since he didn't have anybody to hang out with. I still do that here and there though I'm trying to change that and be more social. I'm likeable enough. Sometimes though, it takes too much effort to try to make friends that I just give up on it completely. Over the summer, after coming back from the Philippines, everything that happened took its toll on me more than I expected. I just put on a brave face and really didn't tell anybody what I was going through. I pretty much shut down. Not see my friends, barely left the house. Work, home, sleep, repeat. Wake up, and lay on the floor crying. Missing the family, grieving over the loss. I was in a mountaintop because of pure happiness just having them around, then to be catapulted back again to living alone affected me greater than I imagined. But then, there's always balance like they say. I was in my highest high, and had to experience the lowest low. So it was pretty much saying bye to Dan- that got me thinking about all this. We didn't really become close friends like I did with folks back in Japan but it was still good.

On Saturday, we actually had a little get together at Friday's. We had Friday off so I used that day to drive down to Northern Virginia to look at some places to live in. I looked at five or six places, and as always I ended up going with the very first one I checked out. It's an apartment, I was hoping for a group house to live in but maybe later. This is my introduction to the DC life so will see how that'll go. I went with my friend JT which wasn't too bad. Spent Friday looking which was actually exhausting, then Saturday we got to go to IKEA and I am sooo definitely picking up some things after my move. I'm selling the furnitures that I have right now since I won't be needing them in the room I'm gonna be getting. I thought about taking the futon that I have. However, it sits really low like six inches above ground and I could go for something higher now. I'm gonna have to start packing soon as well, so I can give the leasing office a termination date for the lease. I'm trying to minimize to where I can just put everything in my car and up and move wherever if I do choose.

I made it back by Saturday afternoon to be sure I can go to the going away. A good time was had by all, I'd have to say. We hang around the bar for a few hours, and I had some beer eventhough I wasn't supposed to. I'm probably not being as careful as I should be, but I only had two was thinking it wouldn't hurt to just have two glasses right!? Around 10, we all went to see Borat though me and Dan- saw it the opening night. Borat is hilarious! Good thing I saw it the week prior coz this time around, I was out midaway through the movie. I woke up and it was the last 20 mins or so of the movie. Dan- on the otherhand slept through the WHOLE movie, but then he had about 10 drinks. Again, waiting for the pictures to come though it was mostly Dan-'s. It's all about making memories man!

We just shook hands on my way out and wished each other luck. Him, making his way to Korea in a few weeks, while it's off to NoVa I go. I definitely will miss the military and everything that came along with it, the good, the bad. Great people I met, getting to live in Japan (though didn't take advantage of it), the experiences I went through. Sometimes I wonder how different my life would have been if I hadn't joined? But I can't see it to be honest. This is where I needed to be at this point in my life, and longing for something different is a waste. "Everything you have done and been through is valuable and important. In order to be who you are, to know what you know, to be where you are in this moment, you needed to go through what you went through." Rings true, doesn't it?

Hopefully I can always remember that "The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with. I mean, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice. And yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family. But probably all you have in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day. And so obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with it can mean a lot."

I'm glad that I did, and I pray that I would wherever I end up. It's what has helped to keep me going. I wish the same for you.

Signing off,
Senior Airman Kristopher _____
United States Air Force
2002-2006