As good as it gets

Yesterday was when I decided to go to the city. We really weren't doing much and I was kinda getting bored being at the house all day. It's not that I mind just being here with them, but I wanted a little alone time to just go to the city, walk around for a bit, pick up some things, and maybe meet a friend.

I was up really early, around 0730 though we ended up not leaving until around 1000. I didn't wanna wake them up to have them take me to the ferry station so I waited. It was funny how around 0930, my mom called me from their room asking me weren't i supposed to go to the city and trying to catch the ferry. I told her that I was about done. She told me to have breakfast at least since the ride is about an hour long. So did just that, I had a toast and just put butter and sugar on it. I forgot that most people, when they make toast, they put jam or jelly on it. I remembered that after I've made mine, but oh well, mine's just as good. I went back upstairs and my brother was awake too and told me that they'll just drop me off at the train station so I can catch the BART that will take me to the city. He was wanting to go to the mall too, so he got our mom to drive instead so I can be dropped off, while they can go to the mall nearby. It's about a 15-min ride and it was funny how they were telling me how the train system works. I told them I've ridden them before in other cities, and it's works just the same but they wouldn't hear any of it. They still went on and explained it over so I just shut up and listened. They're just making sure that I didn't get lost or anything so that's sweet on their end. We got to the BART station and my brother actually got out of the car, came with me to the ticket booth, and looked up the times the train is leaving, make sure I get there on time. It felt like I was the little brother venturing to the city first time alone so I can't help to chuckle on the inside.

The train ride is about 30 mins long, and after getting to San Francisco, the first thing I tried to find was the Apple store to get my brother's iPod looked at. At first, he wanted to come along with me but I told him I'll take care of it since he can't come since I might meet up with somebody. Oh okay was all he can say. The parents were asking why wouldn't he just go to the city with me, and he told them that he really doesn't feel like it since San Francisco gets old with him living here all his life. Good brother. It was a while before I found the store though, since eventhough it was by Union Square, I struggled a bit trying to find it since I'm not too familiar where everything is. It was actually one block to the left, and just going down two blocks to get to it. I ended up taking the long way heading down the wrong direction, finding a free guide, then turning right back around to where I started. On my way, trying to find the Apple store, I passed by H&M so of course, I had to make a stop and have a look around. They had this one jacket I was eyeing for back in Virginia though both stores I went to were out of stock of it. They told me to come back and check but I really haven't ventured out to Norfolk or Virginia Beach since that's about a 30-45 min drive from where I lived. Anyway, the store had it. However, few feet from it was the jacket that looked just like the one I've been meaning to get from overstock. They had this knee-length camel coat that would go really well with suits or any business attires. With the new job, I'm gonna have to wear casual business clothing so been trying to add more of those to my wardrobe. The coat looks really nice. I feel dashing just wearing it so that should be a good thing :) I feel like a
grown up with it on. I told myself I'll think it through and just come back in the evening just in case I meet up with this one guy, then once we go our separate ways. Since if I do meet him, I don't wanna be carrying a shopping bag around with me.

Finally found the Apple store and was there for about 20 mins. They might have to replace my brother's iPod since it's the audio jack that has some issues. Had to call him though, since they're going to try to do a restore first which will pretty much erase everything on it. He didn't want that since he had some things he wanted to save firstm so I told the technician I'll just come back on Monday to get it taken care of. Gives me an excuse to go back to San Francisco yay! Once that was done, I got hungry so I walked around trying to find a place to eat. I was gonna go to Subway but they discontinued the sandwich that I've been getting the past few months, the Bourbon chicken. Tried looking for Wendy's but I think I went the opposite way of Market St so obviously didn't find it and ended up right by where my mom used to work. When I was about to cross the street, a homeless guy was approaching me so I walked a little bit faster. He was yelling out Hey Big guy but I ignored him and went on my way. I kinda felt bad, but I've crossed the street already when I turned around. There was a McDonald's so that's where I end up going. Yea, I know.. I'm visiting San Francisco and that's where I'm gonna have lunch. I really didn't know where to go since I don't take guides with me when I'm a tourist. I usually rely on somebody I know to take me to a good place to dine in like in LA and NY. After I got settled in a chair, and started eating some fries, that's when my phone rang and it was the guy I was gonna meet up with, saying he's about 30 mins away and can we please have lunch right when he gets there. I said okay, though I didn't tell him I was just about to have mine haha. I was debating whether to eat half of it, or just take it to go.

Throwing away would have been a waste though I can't believe that idea crossed my mind. I remembered the homeless guy, so I thought of just putting my meal in a bag and hand it to him since it's pretty much a new order, save some fries that I've eaten. Mann, it would have been so good though. I had the mayo and ketchup all mixed up to dip my fries in. But oh well. So did just that, and stepped out to the streets again. I went back to where the guy tried talking to me earlier and of course, he wasn't there. I hang around for a few minutes
thinking he might show up, but to no avail. He never did. I saw another guy kinda sorting through the trash bin, so I came up to him nervously, and stuck my hand out and asked him Would you want this? I just ordered it and you can have it. He took it from my hands, said Thanks and I walked away. I was nervous since some might have been offended for me doing that, but good thing he wasn't. I've read how some of them get pissed when you try to offer them food, instead of money like they asked you for in the first place.

After heading down to Metreon where I was gonna meet up with Alex, I got a call from him saying he's having problems trying to find a parking spot. I ended up just hopping on his car, while he tries to find a parking garage. We were driving around for an hour before he found one since the streets were packed and traffics are barely moving. It was kinda funny observing people in this situation. You still have the nice folks thankfully, though some people can be assholes when they're driving. Anyway, we finally found a garage and got to park. Ended up going to a Chinese restaurant and had some Hawaiian BBQ Chicken which was quite good. The woman got my order wrong but I was too hungry to care so I just ate it. I ended up having a mix of BBX Chicken, and some fried fish and shrimps, instead of just the chicken. Figured I'll have a variety to try so just ate it up. Talked with Alex for a while though I find it real funny when I'm hanging out with someone and they keep talking about how many times they've been hit on, etc. He's an okay guy and just let it slide. And no,
it's not a date or anything. He has a boyfriend, and I just met up with him just for the sake of meeting him since I spoke with him a few times when I was in Virginia. We just walked around, looking at some stores here and there. Had a Cold Stone Ice cream too. We went on our separate ways after about three hours, since I was getting tired with all that walking. He needed to get back too, since his bf was getting a little jealous of this new guy he's hanging out with. On the way back to the train station, I passed by a movie theater and they were playing For Your Consideration. It wasn't gonna start for another 80 mins and I really didn't feel like waiting that long so just went ahead and headed to the station. I wanted to go to Castro too but didn't wanna go to a bar or a club with all this stuff I had with me. Just called it a day and hopped on the train back. I had a funny feeling though how I should have tried to enjoy the city more by myself. I get like that sometimes. If I'm alone, wishing I was with people. And when I'm with people, wishing I was alone. It was good getting to meet a new friend though.

On the train ride, I can't help not to smile since I felt happy inside. Happy being home, back to the place where I could have grown. It was maybe a 30-min bus ride, and I was sitting there in the dark, thinking how I can get used to this. Here and there, I still get that desire of actually living with my mom and dad eventhough I'm what, 23 now!? There's more to it of course, which I will explain eventually. From the train station, I'm gonna have to catch the bus that'll take me back to Vallejo and from there, get picked up by either Mom or Dad since the bus stop was about 2-3 miles away. As I was nearing the bus stop, my brother called asking where I was. I told him we were in Vallejo already, and that I'm just gonna walk home tonight. He kept asking if I was sure, and I told him Yes I'm sure. He probably thought it weird but he said okay and just hang up.

Well Friday, we were leaving the mall and I got into an accident. I was driving my dad's truck, my brother along with me since we went to the mall for the Black Friday sale. We were leaving the mall area and was gonna make a left turn to get on the road, and that's when we got struck. I should have paid more attention, and saw the blue car that was coming from the opposite side. It was too late. Right when I looked, it was too late to do anything and he slammed right into the side of the truck. There was barely any damage to the truck, though the guy's was a different story. The front of his car was in bad shape. I can't think of the words to describe it but yea. Nobody was hurt. I was stunned I was just sitting there shaking, thinking Wow, did that really just happen? I've never been in one before so this was quite a shock. We just sat there in the car while it was my brother that called my dad up, telling him we got into an accident. I was really scared since he let me use his truck, and something like this happens. They drove out to wherever we were to get everything taken care of. We can't call the police since the other was actually here illegally, looks like. He didn't have insurance, registration or even a license and the language was a bit of a barrier too. We really can't file a claim since the insurance company would want every detail, and with the guy not having anything, it'll be their loss. Just had to settle with some cash, since that's all that could be done really. There were some discussions but that's what it came down to.

On the ride back, I made my brother ride with Mom while i got on the truck with my dad. I apologized to my dad, and he said don't worry about it since shit happens. I went on how I'm just visiting and I'd do that to his truck. He said So now, you're just a visitor? You're back home Kris. You're not just visiting. I told him I was really scared and he asked if I thought he would have thrown me out because of what happened. I said Umm Yes, and he laughed. That's why we have insurance Kris! We would have just filed a claim if this happened and you were living with us. I laughed though I was getting all teary during the drive. I'm still sorting through some things, but it's a good feeling knowing my dad really loves me. I get these stupid thoughts that he doesn't whenever I think of the past. Of course, he always has. The problem is that I have conditions on how I'd want to be loved, and when they're not met, I think that I'm unloved by this or that person, whether it be a family member, or even a friend.

I was still a bit shaken about the whole accident, and I needed the walk last night to kinda clear my head. Tell myself that things happen. Last night, I was walking down the same streets that I used to drive down when I rode my bike. You see, I've lived here for a brief period and I can say now that I was in turmoil when I did. I was really confused about everything that's happened previously. I was torn over my love for them (my dad, stepmom, and my brother), and missing the Philippines and everyone I left behind. I was questioning so many things, and I'm not reciprocating the love they were showing me when I just moved here. I do really love them, though my action spoke otherwise. I was confused about wanting to live with them, but at the same time thinking how it'll be best to just keep things as they were. Of course, what do I know? I was a just sixteen year old boy. To be honest, I didn't think it was gonna be that hard making the move from one country to another. Maybe it really wasn't. I had the love of my family here, welcoming me with open arms. Now that I think about it, maybe love would have been enough after all. But I wanted so much more, acknowledgement of what wrong was done, and all of the answers I need to find. It was a walk I so needed, and I can say I had joy in my heart on the way back. Of course, I still wonder about all the could have been's, what if's, if only's and I always will. But last night, I was thankful for just being where I was and just thought that maybe, this is as good as it gets and just enjoy life for what it is.