Yesterday was when I decided to go to the city. We really weren't doing much and I was kinda getting bored being at the house all day. It's not that I mind just being here with them, but I wanted a little alone time to just go to the city, walk around for a bit, pick up some things, and maybe meet a friend.
I was up really early, around 0730 though we ended up not leaving until around 1000. I didn't wanna wake them up to have them take me to the ferry station so I waited. It was funny how around 0930, my mom called me from their room asking me weren't i supposed to go to the city and trying to catch the ferry. I told her that I was about done. She told me to have breakfast at least since the ride is about an hour long. So did just that, I had a toast and just put butter and sugar on it. I forgot that most people, when they make toast, they put jam or jelly on it. I remembered that after I've made mine, but oh well, mine's just as good. I went back upstairs and my brother was awake too and told me that they'll just drop me off at the train station so I can catch the BART that will take me to the city. He was wanting to go to the mall too, so he got our mom to drive instead so I can be dropped off, while they can go to the mall nearby. It's about a 15-min ride and it was funny how they were telling me how the train system works. I told them I've ridden them before in other cities, and it's works just the same but they wouldn't hear any of it. They still went on and explained it over so I just shut up and listened. They're just making sure that I didn't get lost or anything so that's sweet on their end. We got to the BART station and my brother actually got out of the car, came with me to the ticket booth, and looked up the times the train is leaving, make sure I get there on time. It felt like I was the little brother venturing to the city first time alone so I can't help to chuckle on the inside.
The train ride is about 30 mins long, and after getting to San Francisco, the first thing I tried to find was the Apple store to get my brother's iPod looked at. At first, he wanted to come along with me but I told him I'll take care of it since he can't come since I might meet up with somebody. Oh okay was all he can say. The parents were asking why wouldn't he just go to the city with me, and he told them that he really doesn't feel like it since San Francisco gets old with him living here all his life. Good brother. It was a while before I found the store though, since eventhough it was by Union Square, I struggled a bit trying to find it since I'm not too familiar where everything is. It was actually one block to the left, and just going down two blocks to get to it. I ended up taking the long way heading down the wrong direction, finding a free guide, then turning right back around to where I started. On my way, trying to find the Apple store, I passed by H&M so of course, I had to make a stop and have a look around. They had this one jacket I was eyeing for back in Virginia though both stores I went to were out of stock of it. They told me to come back and check but I really haven't ventured out to Norfolk or Virginia Beach since that's about a 30-45 min drive from where I lived. Anyway, the store had it. However, few feet from it was the jacket that looked just like the one I've been meaning to get from overstock. They had this knee-length camel coat that would go really well with suits or any business attires. With the new job, I'm gonna have to wear casual business clothing so been trying to add more of those to my wardrobe. The coat looks really nice. I feel dashing just wearing it so that should be a good thing :) I feel like a
grown up with it on. I told myself I'll think it through and just come back in the evening just in case I meet up with this one guy, then once we go our separate ways. Since if I do meet him, I don't wanna be carrying a shopping bag around with me.
Finally found the Apple store and was there for about 20 mins. They might have to replace my brother's iPod since it's the audio jack that has some issues. Had to call him though, since they're going to try to do a restore first which will pretty much erase everything on it. He didn't want that since he had some things he wanted to save firstm so I told the technician I'll just come back on Monday to get it taken care of. Gives me an excuse to go back to San Francisco yay! Once that was done, I got hungry so I walked around trying to find a place to eat. I was gonna go to Subway but they discontinued the sandwich that I've been getting the past few months, the Bourbon chicken. Tried looking for Wendy's but I think I went the opposite way of Market St so obviously didn't find it and ended up right by where my mom used to work. When I was about to cross the street, a homeless guy was approaching me so I walked a little bit faster. He was yelling out Hey Big guy but I ignored him and went on my way. I kinda felt bad, but I've crossed the street already when I turned around. There was a McDonald's so that's where I end up going. Yea, I know.. I'm visiting San Francisco and that's where I'm gonna have lunch. I really didn't know where to go since I don't take guides with me when I'm a tourist. I usually rely on somebody I know to take me to a good place to dine in like in LA and NY. After I got settled in a chair, and started eating some fries, that's when my phone rang and it was the guy I was gonna meet up with, saying he's about 30 mins away and can we please have lunch right when he gets there. I said okay, though I didn't tell him I was just about to have mine haha. I was debating whether to eat half of it, or just take it to go.
Throwing away would have been a waste though I can't believe that idea crossed my mind. I remembered the homeless guy, so I thought of just putting my meal in a bag and hand it to him since it's pretty much a new order, save some fries that I've eaten. Mann, it would have been so good though. I had the mayo and ketchup all mixed up to dip my fries in. But oh well. So did just that, and stepped out to the streets again. I went back to where the guy tried talking to me earlier and of course, he wasn't there. I hang around for a few minutes
thinking he might show up, but to no avail. He never did. I saw another guy kinda sorting through the trash bin, so I came up to him nervously, and stuck my hand out and asked him Would you want this? I just ordered it and you can have it. He took it from my hands, said Thanks and I walked away. I was nervous since some might have been offended for me doing that, but good thing he wasn't. I've read how some of them get pissed when you try to offer them food, instead of money like they asked you for in the first place.
After heading down to Metreon where I was gonna meet up with Alex, I got a call from him saying he's having problems trying to find a parking spot. I ended up just hopping on his car, while he tries to find a parking garage. We were driving around for an hour before he found one since the streets were packed and traffics are barely moving. It was kinda funny observing people in this situation. You still have the nice folks thankfully, though some people can be assholes when they're driving. Anyway, we finally found a garage and got to park. Ended up going to a Chinese restaurant and had some Hawaiian BBQ Chicken which was quite good. The woman got my order wrong but I was too hungry to care so I just ate it. I ended up having a mix of BBX Chicken, and some fried fish and shrimps, instead of just the chicken. Figured I'll have a variety to try so just ate it up. Talked with Alex for a while though I find it real funny when I'm hanging out with someone and they keep talking about how many times they've been hit on, etc. He's an okay guy and just let it slide. And no,
it's not a date or anything. He has a boyfriend, and I just met up with him just for the sake of meeting him since I spoke with him a few times when I was in Virginia. We just walked around, looking at some stores here and there. Had a Cold Stone Ice cream too. We went on our separate ways after about three hours, since I was getting tired with all that walking. He needed to get back too, since his bf was getting a little jealous of this new guy he's hanging out with. On the way back to the train station, I passed by a movie theater and they were playing For Your Consideration. It wasn't gonna start for another 80 mins and I really didn't feel like waiting that long so just went ahead and headed to the station. I wanted to go to Castro too but didn't wanna go to a bar or a club with all this stuff I had with me. Just called it a day and hopped on the train back. I had a funny feeling though how I should have tried to enjoy the city more by myself. I get like that sometimes. If I'm alone, wishing I was with people. And when I'm with people, wishing I was alone. It was good getting to meet a new friend though.
On the train ride, I can't help not to smile since I felt happy inside. Happy being home, back to the place where I could have grown. It was maybe a 30-min bus ride, and I was sitting there in the dark, thinking how I can get used to this. Here and there, I still get that desire of actually living with my mom and dad eventhough I'm what, 23 now!? There's more to it of course, which I will explain eventually. From the train station, I'm gonna have to catch the bus that'll take me back to Vallejo and from there, get picked up by either Mom or Dad since the bus stop was about 2-3 miles away. As I was nearing the bus stop, my brother called asking where I was. I told him we were in Vallejo already, and that I'm just gonna walk home tonight. He kept asking if I was sure, and I told him Yes I'm sure. He probably thought it weird but he said okay and just hang up.
Well Friday, we were leaving the mall and I got into an accident. I was driving my dad's truck, my brother along with me since we went to the mall for the Black Friday sale. We were leaving the mall area and was gonna make a left turn to get on the road, and that's when we got struck. I should have paid more attention, and saw the blue car that was coming from the opposite side. It was too late. Right when I looked, it was too late to do anything and he slammed right into the side of the truck. There was barely any damage to the truck, though the guy's was a different story. The front of his car was in bad shape. I can't think of the words to describe it but yea. Nobody was hurt. I was stunned I was just sitting there shaking, thinking Wow, did that really just happen? I've never been in one before so this was quite a shock. We just sat there in the car while it was my brother that called my dad up, telling him we got into an accident. I was really scared since he let me use his truck, and something like this happens. They drove out to wherever we were to get everything taken care of. We can't call the police since the other was actually here illegally, looks like. He didn't have insurance, registration or even a license and the language was a bit of a barrier too. We really can't file a claim since the insurance company would want every detail, and with the guy not having anything, it'll be their loss. Just had to settle with some cash, since that's all that could be done really. There were some discussions but that's what it came down to.
On the ride back, I made my brother ride with Mom while i got on the truck with my dad. I apologized to my dad, and he said don't worry about it since shit happens. I went on how I'm just visiting and I'd do that to his truck. He said So now, you're just a visitor? You're back home Kris. You're not just visiting. I told him I was really scared and he asked if I thought he would have thrown me out because of what happened. I said Umm Yes, and he laughed. That's why we have insurance Kris! We would have just filed a claim if this happened and you were living with us. I laughed though I was getting all teary during the drive. I'm still sorting through some things, but it's a good feeling knowing my dad really loves me. I get these stupid thoughts that he doesn't whenever I think of the past. Of course, he always has. The problem is that I have conditions on how I'd want to be loved, and when they're not met, I think that I'm unloved by this or that person, whether it be a family member, or even a friend.
I was still a bit shaken about the whole accident, and I needed the walk last night to kinda clear my head. Tell myself that things happen. Last night, I was walking down the same streets that I used to drive down when I rode my bike. You see, I've lived here for a brief period and I can say now that I was in turmoil when I did. I was really confused about everything that's happened previously. I was torn over my love for them (my dad, stepmom, and my brother), and missing the Philippines and everyone I left behind. I was questioning so many things, and I'm not reciprocating the love they were showing me when I just moved here. I do really love them, though my action spoke otherwise. I was confused about wanting to live with them, but at the same time thinking how it'll be best to just keep things as they were. Of course, what do I know? I was a just sixteen year old boy. To be honest, I didn't think it was gonna be that hard making the move from one country to another. Maybe it really wasn't. I had the love of my family here, welcoming me with open arms. Now that I think about it, maybe love would have been enough after all. But I wanted so much more, acknowledgement of what wrong was done, and all of the answers I need to find. It was a walk I so needed, and I can say I had joy in my heart on the way back. Of course, I still wonder about all the could have been's, what if's, if only's and I always will. But last night, I was thankful for just being where I was and just thought that maybe, this is as good as it gets and just enjoy life for what it is.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Friday, November 24, 2006
Feels like home....
It's been five days now since I came to California and I would have to say it's been nice. Always, always good to spend time with the family. The weekend prior to leaving, I just mostly relaxed when I could be doing things. I've been putting off packing, and just sit around listening to music, even watching a DVD, when I could be packing. Oh well, I'll get to them when I go back. I have about a month left in the lease anyway so will just drive back one weekend and get everything taken care of. It's not really much left though, it's just some things I'm kinda torn about getting rid of. Just some Muji containers, and a futon that I bought when I was in Japan. I'm not even sure why I'm trying to hold on to them since they're just that, things. I guess something tangible that shows I DID live in that country for a while. Oh well..
So that, I've been here in Cali and tonight, we're just taking the night slow. Dad's on the phone downstairs, mom in the kitchen, brother in the room, and I, sitting here on the computer. I got in to Sacramento around 0130 Tuesday morning, with my flight totaling to about twelve hours, coming from Virginia with stop overs in Detroit, and St Louis/Minneapolis. Watching The Office, and Seinfeld on my iPod. Video iPod is sooo awesome. So Tuesday, and Wednesday, we pretty much just stayed home. Stepping out for a bit to go to the store to pick up some groceries. Wednesday, I got close to catching the ferry that'll take me to San Francisco, but after talking about it with my (step)mom, decided to wait it out. With it being the day before Thanksgiving, coming back might be a bit hard with everyone trying to get home. The ride is normally an hour but with the commuters, and everything, I'm gonna have to get in line an hour or so before the scheduled time for the ferry to come or go.
For Thanksgiving, we headed out to Fremont which is about an hour away from the house. We spent the day with my mom's cousin (I think). It ended up being okay though at first, I had that feeling of just not wanting to be there. It's weird sometimes how I'd be more at ease meeting up with strangers/bloggers, than being with family and/or relatives I've never met before. I eased up after a while since they were really good folks. The wine during dinner certainly helped too. I was buzzed though a little bit after dinner, us three young ones (my brother, his cousin and I) went to see Borat which makes it the third time I saw the movie. Went back to the house and called it a night.
Then Friday, went to the mall to catch the sale, getting into an accident on the way back.
So that, I've been here in Cali and tonight, we're just taking the night slow. Dad's on the phone downstairs, mom in the kitchen, brother in the room, and I, sitting here on the computer. I got in to Sacramento around 0130 Tuesday morning, with my flight totaling to about twelve hours, coming from Virginia with stop overs in Detroit, and St Louis/Minneapolis. Watching The Office, and Seinfeld on my iPod. Video iPod is sooo awesome. So Tuesday, and Wednesday, we pretty much just stayed home. Stepping out for a bit to go to the store to pick up some groceries. Wednesday, I got close to catching the ferry that'll take me to San Francisco, but after talking about it with my (step)mom, decided to wait it out. With it being the day before Thanksgiving, coming back might be a bit hard with everyone trying to get home. The ride is normally an hour but with the commuters, and everything, I'm gonna have to get in line an hour or so before the scheduled time for the ferry to come or go.
For Thanksgiving, we headed out to Fremont which is about an hour away from the house. We spent the day with my mom's cousin (I think). It ended up being okay though at first, I had that feeling of just not wanting to be there. It's weird sometimes how I'd be more at ease meeting up with strangers/bloggers, than being with family and/or relatives I've never met before. I eased up after a while since they were really good folks. The wine during dinner certainly helped too. I was buzzed though a little bit after dinner, us three young ones (my brother, his cousin and I) went to see Borat which makes it the third time I saw the movie. Went back to the house and called it a night.
Then Friday, went to the mall to catch the sale, getting into an accident on the way back.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Box of words
I have a box full worth of quotations, jokes, short stories and poems I've been meaning to put up on a website one day. It's what's helped me get through the days. Matt got me thinking this morning. It's been a while since I've looked at this box, and now that I was moving and and sorting through my things, trying to figure out what to toss or keep, I think I'm gonna keep this box after all. I always thought I'd be good at saying goodbyes, but who am I kidding, that's just something I'm not going to be good at. I did at work, when one of my coworker Charles, was gonna be gone for six weeks to attend some leadership school. It was the end of the day, and as we were walking towards our cars, I was wishing him luck in the class and to enjoy it. Yet, there I was after getting in my car, with a blurred vision since I had tears in my eyes. Can't help not to laugh as to how silly I get at times.
Or even when I was in the Philippines this past summer and it was a day or two before I was leaving. We had the prerequisite karaoke in the house :D and everybody was just having a grand ole time. I was singing Close to Heaven by Color Me Badd. I've known this song since I was in the elementary, and I guess it's my trademark song. It's what the family has me sing whenever we get together. So there I was, singing and I look over to my left and there was my aunt wiping away her tears. I just hugged her and kept on singing. Though when somebody else was singing, my emotions got the best of me and I went to the other room and had a good cry. It was of pure joy, of course. Sitting there thinking why days like this have to end!? My 2-yr old cousin saw me and just stood there looking at me. It's not like we can talk since I don't speak Norwegian, but he stayed for a little bit patting my legs. I started laughing, the same time crying if that makes sense. Anyway, there were some things said this past week that angered me a LOT. I've calmed down ever since but I guess I forget sometimes that they're not perfect, and neither am I. Yet, here I am smiling at this moment thinking of them. I'm aware that everybody's not as lucky, there are folks who doesn't even speak to their family, and for that I'm thankful it hasn't gotten to that point. I get close sometimes to doing so, but probably not. Don't you wish you can fire family!? Hahaha.
Here's one of them:
'I Wish You Enough'
What to say when you don't want to say good-bye.
I never really thought that I'd spend as much time in airports as I do. I don't know why. I always wanted to be famous and that would mean lots of travel. But I'm not famous, even though I do see more than my share of airports.
I love them and I hate them. I love them because of the people I get to watch. But the people are also the same reason I hate airports: They're all always saying "hello" and "good-bye." I have great difficulties with saying good-bye. Even as I write this, I am experiencing that pounding sensation in my heart. If I am watching such a scene in a movie, I am affected so much that I need to sit up and take a few deep breaths.
So, when faced with a challenge in my life, I have been known to go to our local airport and watch people say good-bye. I figure nothing that is happening to me at the time could be as bad as having to say good-bye. Watching people cling to each other, crying, and holding each other in that last embrace makes me appreciate what I have even more. Seeing them finally pull apart, extending their arms until the
tips of their fingers are the last to let go, is an image that stays in the forefront of my mind throughout the day.
On one of my recent business trips, when I arrived at the counter to
check in, the woman said, "How are you today?"
I replied, "I am missing my wife already and I haven't even said good-bye."
She then looked at my ticket and began to ask, "How long will you...
"Oh, my goodness, you will only be gone three days!"
We all laughed.
My problem was I still had to say good-bye. But I learn from good-bye moments, too.
Recently, I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her departure, and standing near the security gate they hugged and he said, "I love you. I wish you enough."
She in turn said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy."
They kissed and she left. He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there, I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?"
"Yes, I have," I replied.
Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my dad had done for me. Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me. So I knew what this man was experiencing.
"Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" I asked
"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back would be for my funeral," he said.
"When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.'
May I ask what that means?"
He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone."
He paused for a moment and, looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more.
"When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them," he continued. Then, turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.
"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye."
He then began to sob and walked away.
My friends, I wish you enough!
Or even when I was in the Philippines this past summer and it was a day or two before I was leaving. We had the prerequisite karaoke in the house :D and everybody was just having a grand ole time. I was singing Close to Heaven by Color Me Badd. I've known this song since I was in the elementary, and I guess it's my trademark song. It's what the family has me sing whenever we get together. So there I was, singing and I look over to my left and there was my aunt wiping away her tears. I just hugged her and kept on singing. Though when somebody else was singing, my emotions got the best of me and I went to the other room and had a good cry. It was of pure joy, of course. Sitting there thinking why days like this have to end!? My 2-yr old cousin saw me and just stood there looking at me. It's not like we can talk since I don't speak Norwegian, but he stayed for a little bit patting my legs. I started laughing, the same time crying if that makes sense. Anyway, there were some things said this past week that angered me a LOT. I've calmed down ever since but I guess I forget sometimes that they're not perfect, and neither am I. Yet, here I am smiling at this moment thinking of them. I'm aware that everybody's not as lucky, there are folks who doesn't even speak to their family, and for that I'm thankful it hasn't gotten to that point. I get close sometimes to doing so, but probably not. Don't you wish you can fire family!? Hahaha.
Here's one of them:
'I Wish You Enough'
What to say when you don't want to say good-bye.
I never really thought that I'd spend as much time in airports as I do. I don't know why. I always wanted to be famous and that would mean lots of travel. But I'm not famous, even though I do see more than my share of airports.
I love them and I hate them. I love them because of the people I get to watch. But the people are also the same reason I hate airports: They're all always saying "hello" and "good-bye." I have great difficulties with saying good-bye. Even as I write this, I am experiencing that pounding sensation in my heart. If I am watching such a scene in a movie, I am affected so much that I need to sit up and take a few deep breaths.
So, when faced with a challenge in my life, I have been known to go to our local airport and watch people say good-bye. I figure nothing that is happening to me at the time could be as bad as having to say good-bye. Watching people cling to each other, crying, and holding each other in that last embrace makes me appreciate what I have even more. Seeing them finally pull apart, extending their arms until the
tips of their fingers are the last to let go, is an image that stays in the forefront of my mind throughout the day.
On one of my recent business trips, when I arrived at the counter to
check in, the woman said, "How are you today?"
I replied, "I am missing my wife already and I haven't even said good-bye."
She then looked at my ticket and began to ask, "How long will you...
"Oh, my goodness, you will only be gone three days!"
We all laughed.
My problem was I still had to say good-bye. But I learn from good-bye moments, too.
Recently, I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her departure, and standing near the security gate they hugged and he said, "I love you. I wish you enough."
She in turn said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy."
They kissed and she left. He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there, I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?"
"Yes, I have," I replied.
Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my dad had done for me. Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me. So I knew what this man was experiencing.
"Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" I asked
"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back would be for my funeral," he said.
"When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.'
May I ask what that means?"
He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone."
He paused for a moment and, looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more.
"When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them," he continued. Then, turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.
"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye."
He then began to sob and walked away.
My friends, I wish you enough!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
It's not just another day
Tonight is pretty much my last night being a part of the military. Tomorrow at 0900, once my final outprocessing is completed, I'll be one of YOU now. It feels kinda weird that these four and a half is over with and it'll be a new beginning for me within the next few weeks. Moving to a new city, being the 'new guy' in the office. Just about everything. I think I tried not to think about it too much since I get melancholy when I do, hence prompting me for another posting. Sorry that it's always that feelings that prompt me to write but sometimes, I guess when I'm happy and on top of the world I can't sit still long enough to translate them into words.
My friend, Tuey (I would have said my coworker but he's become a friend too) came by today and dropped off my sayonara doll. It was actually given to me on my going away dinner last year when I was in Japan. I was making it known that it's what I wanted and hence, they did it for me. I dunno, I enjoy just re-reading the dedications or the notes that people wrote on it. As the link showed, the doll's body unwraps into a scroll where everybody can write messages . We were debating about what to call it at work, since it was kinda funny asking people to sign my doll. Yea, a military guy trying to get his doll signed. Hahaha. We considered calling it a scroll since that's what it actually is, but that's too nerdy according to one coworker.
Pretty much everybody I worked with signed it which makes me glad. It still wasn't too late that I opened up and actually talk talk and hang out with my coworkers. They all commented how the sudden change came about when I got really close to leaving which to a certain extent is true. Before, I come in and pretty much kept to myself. Listening to conversations, laughing and nodding along, but barely saying a word. I know, I know, sometimes it's my insecurity kicking in making me think that I don't have anything worthy to input. Well that, and I was worried I might get found out sometimes. With that whole don't ask, don't tell, it really scared me to get kicked out because of my orientation so I tried to keep off of the radar and not get too noticed.
That's actually one of the reasons that I'm ending my enlistment. I could say that I really did well as an airman (instead of being a soldier like in the army) and did things the best that I could. Never get in trouble, no negative feedbacks whatsoever, actually caring in whatever it was that I'm doing. Not trying to brag, but at one point when I tried getting out earlier than my contract actually stated, three of our leadership sat me down for a conversation and pretty much told me they didn't want me out of the service. Anyway, I really couldn't tell them that's one of my reasons. But then, you have ones who stay in the closet for like 20 years and suck it in but it's not for me. Kudos for them, but I can't live like that. It's not like I'm totally out and walk around with a rainbow in my forehead, but I think to just be able to be open about it and not to hide it completely would do. It really doesn't have anything to do with my ability to perform my job and duty, but the others think likewise. They think it'll be detrimental to a unit's morale to have homosexuals in their unit. They're not banned in other countries, but sadly it is here in this country. How many good men they have lost because of this stupid policy?
As I was saying, I opened up more my last few weeks and maybe to a certain point, it's a shame that I didn't get to experience everything completely. Well to an extent, it was hard since I was pretty much the only single guy in our department. Just about everybody is either married or have kids so that doesn't leave me much. There was Dan- but we only got to work in the same shift like a month or so. It's all good though. At least, I got to know him for a bit. Going to lunch, giving him a ride home and just bs'ing with. He's a loudmouth so I steered clear of him for a while. But he's a good guy, after I got to sit down and talked to him. We have the same likes as far as movies, and some tv show goes so that was neat. That, and how he's on the net all the time just surfing since he didn't have anybody to hang out with. I still do that here and there though I'm trying to change that and be more social. I'm likeable enough. Sometimes though, it takes too much effort to try to make friends that I just give up on it completely. Over the summer, after coming back from the Philippines, everything that happened took its toll on me more than I expected. I just put on a brave face and really didn't tell anybody what I was going through. I pretty much shut down. Not see my friends, barely left the house. Work, home, sleep, repeat. Wake up, and lay on the floor crying. Missing the family, grieving over the loss. I was in a mountaintop because of pure happiness just having them around, then to be catapulted back again to living alone affected me greater than I imagined. But then, there's always balance like they say. I was in my highest high, and had to experience the lowest low. So it was pretty much saying bye to Dan- that got me thinking about all this. We didn't really become close friends like I did with folks back in Japan but it was still good.
On Saturday, we actually had a little get together at Friday's. We had Friday off so I used that day to drive down to Northern Virginia to look at some places to live in. I looked at five or six places, and as always I ended up going with the very first one I checked out. It's an apartment, I was hoping for a group house to live in but maybe later. This is my introduction to the DC life so will see how that'll go. I went with my friend JT which wasn't too bad. Spent Friday looking which was actually exhausting, then Saturday we got to go to IKEA and I am sooo definitely picking up some things after my move. I'm selling the furnitures that I have right now since I won't be needing them in the room I'm gonna be getting. I thought about taking the futon that I have. However, it sits really low like six inches above ground and I could go for something higher now. I'm gonna have to start packing soon as well, so I can give the leasing office a termination date for the lease. I'm trying to minimize to where I can just put everything in my car and up and move wherever if I do choose.
I made it back by Saturday afternoon to be sure I can go to the going away. A good time was had by all, I'd have to say. We hang around the bar for a few hours, and I had some beer eventhough I wasn't supposed to. I'm probably not being as careful as I should be, but I only had two was thinking it wouldn't hurt to just have two glasses right!? Around 10, we all went to see Borat though me and Dan- saw it the opening night. Borat is hilarious! Good thing I saw it the week prior coz this time around, I was out midaway through the movie. I woke up and it was the last 20 mins or so of the movie. Dan- on the otherhand slept through the WHOLE movie, but then he had about 10 drinks. Again, waiting for the pictures to come though it was mostly Dan-'s. It's all about making memories man!
We just shook hands on my way out and wished each other luck. Him, making his way to Korea in a few weeks, while it's off to NoVa I go. I definitely will miss the military and everything that came along with it, the good, the bad. Great people I met, getting to live in Japan (though didn't take advantage of it), the experiences I went through. Sometimes I wonder how different my life would have been if I hadn't joined? But I can't see it to be honest. This is where I needed to be at this point in my life, and longing for something different is a waste. "Everything you have done and been through is valuable and important. In order to be who you are, to know what you know, to be where you are in this moment, you needed to go through what you went through." Rings true, doesn't it?
Hopefully I can always remember that "The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with. I mean, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice. And yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family. But probably all you have in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day. And so obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with it can mean a lot."
I'm glad that I did, and I pray that I would wherever I end up. It's what has helped to keep me going. I wish the same for you.
Signing off,
Senior Airman Kristopher _____
United States Air Force
2002-2006
My friend, Tuey (I would have said my coworker but he's become a friend too) came by today and dropped off my sayonara doll. It was actually given to me on my going away dinner last year when I was in Japan. I was making it known that it's what I wanted and hence, they did it for me. I dunno, I enjoy just re-reading the dedications or the notes that people wrote on it. As the link showed, the doll's body unwraps into a scroll where everybody can write messages . We were debating about what to call it at work, since it was kinda funny asking people to sign my doll. Yea, a military guy trying to get his doll signed. Hahaha. We considered calling it a scroll since that's what it actually is, but that's too nerdy according to one coworker.
Pretty much everybody I worked with signed it which makes me glad. It still wasn't too late that I opened up and actually talk talk and hang out with my coworkers. They all commented how the sudden change came about when I got really close to leaving which to a certain extent is true. Before, I come in and pretty much kept to myself. Listening to conversations, laughing and nodding along, but barely saying a word. I know, I know, sometimes it's my insecurity kicking in making me think that I don't have anything worthy to input. Well that, and I was worried I might get found out sometimes. With that whole don't ask, don't tell, it really scared me to get kicked out because of my orientation so I tried to keep off of the radar and not get too noticed.
That's actually one of the reasons that I'm ending my enlistment. I could say that I really did well as an airman (instead of being a soldier like in the army) and did things the best that I could. Never get in trouble, no negative feedbacks whatsoever, actually caring in whatever it was that I'm doing. Not trying to brag, but at one point when I tried getting out earlier than my contract actually stated, three of our leadership sat me down for a conversation and pretty much told me they didn't want me out of the service. Anyway, I really couldn't tell them that's one of my reasons. But then, you have ones who stay in the closet for like 20 years and suck it in but it's not for me. Kudos for them, but I can't live like that. It's not like I'm totally out and walk around with a rainbow in my forehead, but I think to just be able to be open about it and not to hide it completely would do. It really doesn't have anything to do with my ability to perform my job and duty, but the others think likewise. They think it'll be detrimental to a unit's morale to have homosexuals in their unit. They're not banned in other countries, but sadly it is here in this country. How many good men they have lost because of this stupid policy?
As I was saying, I opened up more my last few weeks and maybe to a certain point, it's a shame that I didn't get to experience everything completely. Well to an extent, it was hard since I was pretty much the only single guy in our department. Just about everybody is either married or have kids so that doesn't leave me much. There was Dan- but we only got to work in the same shift like a month or so. It's all good though. At least, I got to know him for a bit. Going to lunch, giving him a ride home and just bs'ing with. He's a loudmouth so I steered clear of him for a while. But he's a good guy, after I got to sit down and talked to him. We have the same likes as far as movies, and some tv show goes so that was neat. That, and how he's on the net all the time just surfing since he didn't have anybody to hang out with. I still do that here and there though I'm trying to change that and be more social. I'm likeable enough. Sometimes though, it takes too much effort to try to make friends that I just give up on it completely. Over the summer, after coming back from the Philippines, everything that happened took its toll on me more than I expected. I just put on a brave face and really didn't tell anybody what I was going through. I pretty much shut down. Not see my friends, barely left the house. Work, home, sleep, repeat. Wake up, and lay on the floor crying. Missing the family, grieving over the loss. I was in a mountaintop because of pure happiness just having them around, then to be catapulted back again to living alone affected me greater than I imagined. But then, there's always balance like they say. I was in my highest high, and had to experience the lowest low. So it was pretty much saying bye to Dan- that got me thinking about all this. We didn't really become close friends like I did with folks back in Japan but it was still good.
On Saturday, we actually had a little get together at Friday's. We had Friday off so I used that day to drive down to Northern Virginia to look at some places to live in. I looked at five or six places, and as always I ended up going with the very first one I checked out. It's an apartment, I was hoping for a group house to live in but maybe later. This is my introduction to the DC life so will see how that'll go. I went with my friend JT which wasn't too bad. Spent Friday looking which was actually exhausting, then Saturday we got to go to IKEA and I am sooo definitely picking up some things after my move. I'm selling the furnitures that I have right now since I won't be needing them in the room I'm gonna be getting. I thought about taking the futon that I have. However, it sits really low like six inches above ground and I could go for something higher now. I'm gonna have to start packing soon as well, so I can give the leasing office a termination date for the lease. I'm trying to minimize to where I can just put everything in my car and up and move wherever if I do choose.
I made it back by Saturday afternoon to be sure I can go to the going away. A good time was had by all, I'd have to say. We hang around the bar for a few hours, and I had some beer eventhough I wasn't supposed to. I'm probably not being as careful as I should be, but I only had two was thinking it wouldn't hurt to just have two glasses right!? Around 10, we all went to see Borat though me and Dan- saw it the opening night. Borat is hilarious! Good thing I saw it the week prior coz this time around, I was out midaway through the movie. I woke up and it was the last 20 mins or so of the movie. Dan- on the otherhand slept through the WHOLE movie, but then he had about 10 drinks. Again, waiting for the pictures to come though it was mostly Dan-'s. It's all about making memories man!
We just shook hands on my way out and wished each other luck. Him, making his way to Korea in a few weeks, while it's off to NoVa I go. I definitely will miss the military and everything that came along with it, the good, the bad. Great people I met, getting to live in Japan (though didn't take advantage of it), the experiences I went through. Sometimes I wonder how different my life would have been if I hadn't joined? But I can't see it to be honest. This is where I needed to be at this point in my life, and longing for something different is a waste. "Everything you have done and been through is valuable and important. In order to be who you are, to know what you know, to be where you are in this moment, you needed to go through what you went through." Rings true, doesn't it?
Hopefully I can always remember that "The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with. I mean, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice. And yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family. But probably all you have in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day. And so obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with it can mean a lot."
I'm glad that I did, and I pray that I would wherever I end up. It's what has helped to keep me going. I wish the same for you.
Signing off,
Senior Airman Kristopher _____
United States Air Force
2002-2006
Monday, November 6, 2006
Mistah Shaggy
Ugh! I'm trying to get this deleted off of the zippyvideos since I uploaded it anonymously by mistake, and now can't effing delete it. I e-mailed their tech support to get it taken off which I hope they really do. That might be a bit too much having strangers watch this clip.
P.S.
They haven't deleted it so there's the link above. It's a wig. Come onnnnn!
P.S.
They haven't deleted it so there's the link above. It's a wig. Come onnnnn!
Wednesday, November 1, 2006
Halloween
I've never actually don a custome for Halloween. It's just something that I wasn't ac-custome-d to. Philippines, among other countries, do it differently and instead of throwing parties or going trick or treating, it's a day where they honor the dead. With it being a Spanish colony for over 300 years, it's adopted a lot of culture and traditions with All Saint's Day being one of them, Araw ng mga Patay (Day of the dead). It's pretty much a holiday where people get time off from school/work so that they can go back to their hometowns to visit the family graves. It was always nice though, seeing people gathered by their family tombstones, taking times from their schedule to get together with the rest of the living. Light up some candles, saying a prayer, then just hang around the cemetery until the wee hours of the day, or even night. Eventhough it's a solemn occassion, it was enjoyable since it was a time of reminiscing and listening to stories and anecdotes. In my teenage years, I'd visit with the family usually but come night time, it's off with friends I go to walk around the cemetery. People-watching, telling ghost stories, or even looking at the mausoleums. The cemetery was walking distance from where I lived, and it actually was right behind my old elementary school. I remember getting freaked out with the thought of all the dead becoming undead and taking over our town. I'd scheme plans in my head on ways to try to escape, or defeat them. Ah, if only I had superpowers.
This year, I really wasn't planning on dressing up since with Halloween being a workday, figured I'll just stay in and watch a movie or something. I didn't even buy candies for the kids. I was just going to not answer the door if they do come by. Sometime during the day, my friend MJ e-mailed and asked me what I was gonna be doing for the evening. I told her I wasn't sure yet even if I meant to not do anything. She texted a few more times, and I kinda got to thinking of not wanting to be alone that evening since I'm sure people are going to some party or something. I just enjoy spending my workdays pretty quiet. Before, I won't even hang out with friends during the week since it felt like it was taking away from "me time." I had a lot of those in Japan, maybe a little too much, but at that point in my life, it was what I needed to help me make sense of everything that's happened to me. Trying to figure out the why's and why not's, wondering about the what if's, thinking of the if only's.
Anyway, I bought a shag wig few days ago, and some devil accessories, just to have something to fall back on. I've always wondered how I'd look if I had straight hair so halloween was a good excuse to buy one. The first time I tried it on, it looked like I was a cave man. Maybe I just wasn't used to having straight hair so it was a bit of a shock. I mentioned to MJ that I have the wig, and she told me I should bring it down. When we were on the phone, the idea of me wearing it on my drive to VA Beach which is about 30 mins away, popped up and so we agreed to a deal. I'd wear it through the whole drive, and once I arrive, she will buy me a subway sandwich.. Eat Fresh! Yea, guess I'm easy huh :P Eventhough there was no way for her of knowing I wore it one day, we had an agreement and so I put it on. It grew on me during that period, that even when we had to go by a store, and go by Subway to get my sandwich, I kept it on.
I got to meet her boyfriend sometime in the evening while I hang out their place for a while, debating whether I'll come with them to the club. There's a bar that'll have a Halloween event. I ended up forcing myself to go, reasoning that this only happens once a year and shouldn't be KJ (kill joy - term used for a person who tries to ruin the fun times, or be negative = Debbie Downer in a sense). I didn't have a custome so MJ had me come with her bf to the mall to pick out a custome the last minute. At the mall, all I kept thinking was how too much work it'll be getting donned up. I had some black boots on, and a black/white/gray striped socks, and the matching outfit to it was a pilgrim's. Yep, I dressed up as a pilgrim on my first Halloween. MJ and her bf were the vampire/devil duo, then you had me. She took some pictures, and I might post a pic with me in pilgrim get up. It got me thinking of Pilgrims, and Indians and all I can think of was Jerri Blank ("Protect me Satan!") You'll have to watch the show to see what I'm talking about. We had a good time, there were more drag performers. The one I mentioned in the last post was there too, thank goodness I had to use the restroom when she came on stage. There were some really nice customes, and for the contest they had, the first prize went to the One Nightstand. It was awesome! This one lady had a nightstand on, and it had a lamp (with a bra slung over it), pack of cigarettes, one opened, then some unused condoms, and lube. It was hilarious. I was rooting for her too. It was funny since she can't see out of it, so the lady had to be directed by the others on where to go, and how many steps to take front or back for the judging.
I didn't get home 'til 2 am, that is after stopping by the car wash, filling my tank and grabbing JR bacon cheeseburgers yum yum. I had to get up at 5 am, so I was worried I might not wake up, set up about 7 things that'll go off when I needed to wake up. It worked! Though the bed's been calling me now to make up some sleep.
Aside from that, had a good day at work. Just sitting there, and bs-ing at times with people when the phones weren't ringing. I'm gonna miss these folks. Called my dad up too since he had back surgery done earlier today. I kinda felt bad, and wished I could have been there with them. I didn't know what he was talking about when he kept asking me what time I was coming by. I was like huh!?, what!? then Ohhhh when I realized what he meant. We just spoke for a little bit since he was still drugged up, and his food came in when we were on the phone as well. It was a nice talk though, he was teasing me a bit about wanting to live in a city, keeping track of football games (yeah right!), and whether my "girl" ever cooks for me. He asked me what I had for dinner and told him it was left over spaghetti so he commented as to shouldn't be my girl cooking. I just laughed it off since that's all I can do really. I don't confirm, but I don't deny either. I'm gonna get to see them soon though. I'm visiting Nor Cal for Thanksgiving since doubt I'll be home for christmas...... if only in my dreams.
Started corresponding with Daniel again so I'm glad about that too. I don't feel the same way as I used to, but I can't help not to think how he's doing sometimes. It was around this time last year that we chatted constantly, which led to us meeting six weeks later. Can't help to smile since that was unexpected.
M- might be out of the picture. Just something that transpired over the past weekend.
This year, I really wasn't planning on dressing up since with Halloween being a workday, figured I'll just stay in and watch a movie or something. I didn't even buy candies for the kids. I was just going to not answer the door if they do come by. Sometime during the day, my friend MJ e-mailed and asked me what I was gonna be doing for the evening. I told her I wasn't sure yet even if I meant to not do anything. She texted a few more times, and I kinda got to thinking of not wanting to be alone that evening since I'm sure people are going to some party or something. I just enjoy spending my workdays pretty quiet. Before, I won't even hang out with friends during the week since it felt like it was taking away from "me time." I had a lot of those in Japan, maybe a little too much, but at that point in my life, it was what I needed to help me make sense of everything that's happened to me. Trying to figure out the why's and why not's, wondering about the what if's, thinking of the if only's.
Anyway, I bought a shag wig few days ago, and some devil accessories, just to have something to fall back on. I've always wondered how I'd look if I had straight hair so halloween was a good excuse to buy one. The first time I tried it on, it looked like I was a cave man. Maybe I just wasn't used to having straight hair so it was a bit of a shock. I mentioned to MJ that I have the wig, and she told me I should bring it down. When we were on the phone, the idea of me wearing it on my drive to VA Beach which is about 30 mins away, popped up and so we agreed to a deal. I'd wear it through the whole drive, and once I arrive, she will buy me a subway sandwich.. Eat Fresh! Yea, guess I'm easy huh :P Eventhough there was no way for her of knowing I wore it one day, we had an agreement and so I put it on. It grew on me during that period, that even when we had to go by a store, and go by Subway to get my sandwich, I kept it on.
I got to meet her boyfriend sometime in the evening while I hang out their place for a while, debating whether I'll come with them to the club. There's a bar that'll have a Halloween event. I ended up forcing myself to go, reasoning that this only happens once a year and shouldn't be KJ (kill joy - term used for a person who tries to ruin the fun times, or be negative = Debbie Downer in a sense). I didn't have a custome so MJ had me come with her bf to the mall to pick out a custome the last minute. At the mall, all I kept thinking was how too much work it'll be getting donned up. I had some black boots on, and a black/white/gray striped socks, and the matching outfit to it was a pilgrim's. Yep, I dressed up as a pilgrim on my first Halloween. MJ and her bf were the vampire/devil duo, then you had me. She took some pictures, and I might post a pic with me in pilgrim get up. It got me thinking of Pilgrims, and Indians and all I can think of was Jerri Blank ("Protect me Satan!") You'll have to watch the show to see what I'm talking about. We had a good time, there were more drag performers. The one I mentioned in the last post was there too, thank goodness I had to use the restroom when she came on stage. There were some really nice customes, and for the contest they had, the first prize went to the One Nightstand. It was awesome! This one lady had a nightstand on, and it had a lamp (with a bra slung over it), pack of cigarettes, one opened, then some unused condoms, and lube. It was hilarious. I was rooting for her too. It was funny since she can't see out of it, so the lady had to be directed by the others on where to go, and how many steps to take front or back for the judging.
I didn't get home 'til 2 am, that is after stopping by the car wash, filling my tank and grabbing JR bacon cheeseburgers yum yum. I had to get up at 5 am, so I was worried I might not wake up, set up about 7 things that'll go off when I needed to wake up. It worked! Though the bed's been calling me now to make up some sleep.
Aside from that, had a good day at work. Just sitting there, and bs-ing at times with people when the phones weren't ringing. I'm gonna miss these folks. Called my dad up too since he had back surgery done earlier today. I kinda felt bad, and wished I could have been there with them. I didn't know what he was talking about when he kept asking me what time I was coming by. I was like huh!?, what!? then Ohhhh when I realized what he meant. We just spoke for a little bit since he was still drugged up, and his food came in when we were on the phone as well. It was a nice talk though, he was teasing me a bit about wanting to live in a city, keeping track of football games (yeah right!), and whether my "girl" ever cooks for me. He asked me what I had for dinner and told him it was left over spaghetti so he commented as to shouldn't be my girl cooking. I just laughed it off since that's all I can do really. I don't confirm, but I don't deny either. I'm gonna get to see them soon though. I'm visiting Nor Cal for Thanksgiving since doubt I'll be home for christmas...... if only in my dreams.
Started corresponding with Daniel again so I'm glad about that too. I don't feel the same way as I used to, but I can't help not to think how he's doing sometimes. It was around this time last year that we chatted constantly, which led to us meeting six weeks later. Can't help to smile since that was unexpected.
M- might be out of the picture. Just something that transpired over the past weekend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
