Posting the pics of me wearing the jackets that I bought. I'm leaning more with the leather since it could go with dress and casual clothes. And this whole time, all I was trying to find is a water-proof jacket. Maybe I'll just get a rain coat! But D-man, here goes as you requested. I'm probably keeping the leather one. Whatcha guys think?
I guess this is how life works sometimes. Thursday went well as I caught up with a friend I haven't seen in a loong time, then it just went downhill from there. I'm a bit better than I was over the weekend. Friday just turned really shitty than I can't hold things in anymore. With the whole telling the dad thing, it just felt like I had to tell him that night. I could have waited til he actually picked up but I didn't. I ended up calling a fellow blogger, as to what i don't remember. I think I just needed to hear a friendly voice. I get in the dumps and it sucks I don't have a friend close by I can just go to. All I have here are acquaintances, and all the folks I'm good friends, they're either in Florida, Cali, Washington or Idaho.
But yeah, during our talk, I had to go to the bathroom really bad and instead of hanging up, I tried to do two things at once. Alas, my cell fell in the toilet and hasn't worked since. I'm waiting on a new one from AT&T that should arrive tomorrow. Here I was thinking I didn't need the insurance. Oh, when you call for a replacement for whatever reason, did you guys know you have to pay a deductible? I certainly didn't but they charge you $50 for doing so. They'll be sending me a Sony w580i since I have an older version of it I got two years ago.
But yea, that's about it really. Didn't do a whole lot Sunday, was on the computer mostly discovering new music, and reading Alice in Wonderland. Never got to read it or watch the movie though the quotations I've come across sounded interesting soo yea, that's about it.
Good thing I didn't get an iPhone yesterday as I was planning to, and spent all that money. An issue came up with the mom, and right now I'm not really happy with her. I've been telling her to go back to Florida but she won't listen, but after what happened today, she said crying that she might just have to. I doubt she will though. She'd say all this stuff trying to make me feel better, with someone moving in at the spare room at their apartment (my old one) so the rent will be less, that she's trying to find a full-time job, I tell her where to go but all she listens to are her Filipino friends. Maybe I haven't helped her as much as I could... We get into fights about this, that I'm not doing enough for her as a son. I say that I can only do so much, but she still has this mentality that I'm gonna help until the end. I'm just angry right now, and had to vent somewhere so derrr...
Monday, February 4, 2008
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Hate me... (WARNING: Moping)
Well my brother told me sometime during our talk last week that my stepmom already knows about me being gay. He said she really didn't care which made me glad. I've never spoken to her about it but I'm sure she had ideas. Last night, I ended up going out to a bar when all I wanted to do was just stay home and rest. I was at the bar for a good 2-3 hours, and called it a night. It was fun, talked to some new folks and ran into a bunch of guys I hang out with when I just moved here. They'd have this parties and this one guy that I met invited me, with me not knowing anybody in the city. Anyway, I met this one woman named Mary and this whole time, she was asking one of the guys where I was. Mary and I really hit it off. She's this 50-something woman that's like a ball of energy, I loved her that night. But yea, I got one of the guys' number so will call them and maybe stop by where they work. I'm glad she remembers me.
Anyway, as I was saying, I ended up calling my dad on my way to the car just saying I was glad that they got the CD I sent them, and that all's well, amongst other things. Right towards the end of the vmail, I said something along these lines: "I went Ummm, Dad Oh yea, there's something that I should tell you. Ummm, I'm gay. But yea, that's about it really. I just thought you should know. So yea, just call me sometime."
I texted my bro and told him I ended up telling my dad through voicemail. He said I probably should have waited until I ACTUALLY was talking to him, but later on he texted that everything will be okay. I was planning to tell my dad before January ended but didn't get around to it. I got really, really close when he asked me who I was living with if it was neither my old roommates nor my mom.
Right now, I just have all these mixed emotions. Scared, excited, lonely, just all these emotions. I feel like I'm just wading through the days, not knowing what to do. With things in my life, you think I'd be happy. Have a good job I just started early January, have a bf, my mom's here, but I don't know, it just doesn't seem enough. It feels like there's just this empty spot that I cannot fill. I thought I love myself already but I actually have yet to get there. I really thought I did, granted I feel better about myself than I used to, but I guess I don't love me completely. I really wish I can integrate what other people see in me and the way that I see myself. They see this good, funny, smart kid and I'm probably some of those things, but when I look at the mirror, I don't see any of those things. I just see me, and that's it. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse that I don't see myself like others do, maybe it helps to keep my feet on the ground or it's a curse that I can't see the good in me.
Am I still seeking my dad's love and approval after all this time? I really don't know. I thought I was past that but maybe I'm just fooling myself. I think I turned out okay with the things I've seen and done for 24 years. I don't think about it much. Things happened and that's just life you know!? Do I wish it was different? Sometimes I do from time to time. I just wonder... How it would have been if I grew up in the States? If I grew up in a sane environment? It wasn't that great but the family loved me, but it just didn't seem enough. There's this sad feeling that I just didn't belong as much as I want to. I felt like an outsider just looking in. I know that the family loves me but sometimes the things you were told kinda stays stuck in my head. My mom told me once that my grandma was just helping us out of pity. And granted that I felt her love, it's just in the back of my mind whether she really loves me or not.
I have this anger that I'm not sure what's stemming from. I'm a good, happy, go-lucky guy most of the times, and yet if someone does something not right in my eye, I'm just about to bite their head off. I took out my mom to the movies Thursday night, and I got really frustrated since when were trying to get something to eat, she seriously considered not eating since she didn't know what to get. I was just there thinking, how the fuck is this possible!? I sensed this rage just coming from within and I had to step out just not to be around her even for a few seconds.
I want love but at the same time, I don't. I'll do things to make people love me, and once they do, it seems like I just don't want it anymore. When I feel that people love me, I'll try to make them hate me. As if I'm asking them, "Can you love me a little less please?" I just want to be left alone, maybe I wouldn't feel bad because there won't be anyone I can do these things to.
I'm forgetting what matters....
Anyway, as I was saying, I ended up calling my dad on my way to the car just saying I was glad that they got the CD I sent them, and that all's well, amongst other things. Right towards the end of the vmail, I said something along these lines: "I went Ummm, Dad Oh yea, there's something that I should tell you. Ummm, I'm gay. But yea, that's about it really. I just thought you should know. So yea, just call me sometime."
I texted my bro and told him I ended up telling my dad through voicemail. He said I probably should have waited until I ACTUALLY was talking to him, but later on he texted that everything will be okay. I was planning to tell my dad before January ended but didn't get around to it. I got really, really close when he asked me who I was living with if it was neither my old roommates nor my mom.
Right now, I just have all these mixed emotions. Scared, excited, lonely, just all these emotions. I feel like I'm just wading through the days, not knowing what to do. With things in my life, you think I'd be happy. Have a good job I just started early January, have a bf, my mom's here, but I don't know, it just doesn't seem enough. It feels like there's just this empty spot that I cannot fill. I thought I love myself already but I actually have yet to get there. I really thought I did, granted I feel better about myself than I used to, but I guess I don't love me completely. I really wish I can integrate what other people see in me and the way that I see myself. They see this good, funny, smart kid and I'm probably some of those things, but when I look at the mirror, I don't see any of those things. I just see me, and that's it. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse that I don't see myself like others do, maybe it helps to keep my feet on the ground or it's a curse that I can't see the good in me.
Am I still seeking my dad's love and approval after all this time? I really don't know. I thought I was past that but maybe I'm just fooling myself. I think I turned out okay with the things I've seen and done for 24 years. I don't think about it much. Things happened and that's just life you know!? Do I wish it was different? Sometimes I do from time to time. I just wonder... How it would have been if I grew up in the States? If I grew up in a sane environment? It wasn't that great but the family loved me, but it just didn't seem enough. There's this sad feeling that I just didn't belong as much as I want to. I felt like an outsider just looking in. I know that the family loves me but sometimes the things you were told kinda stays stuck in my head. My mom told me once that my grandma was just helping us out of pity. And granted that I felt her love, it's just in the back of my mind whether she really loves me or not.
I have this anger that I'm not sure what's stemming from. I'm a good, happy, go-lucky guy most of the times, and yet if someone does something not right in my eye, I'm just about to bite their head off. I took out my mom to the movies Thursday night, and I got really frustrated since when were trying to get something to eat, she seriously considered not eating since she didn't know what to get. I was just there thinking, how the fuck is this possible!? I sensed this rage just coming from within and I had to step out just not to be around her even for a few seconds.
I want love but at the same time, I don't. I'll do things to make people love me, and once they do, it seems like I just don't want it anymore. When I feel that people love me, I'll try to make them hate me. As if I'm asking them, "Can you love me a little less please?" I just want to be left alone, maybe I wouldn't feel bad because there won't be anyone I can do these things to.
I'm forgetting what matters....
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Jackets
We were out in Tyson's Corner yesterday and ended up buying two jackets since I can't make my mind up. I'll be trying them on more to maybe help me decide more. The leather one actually has a detachable hood, and the fur can be taken off as well.The one on the left, I like since it's water proof. Can't leather be made water-proof too? I thought they can be so will have to read up. The leather one's more versatile, don't cha think?
Friday, January 25, 2008
We might be through with the past....
I called in sick yesterday since I didn't feel too good. I got like 3 miles away from work, but really didn't feel like going so called the boss, and told her I was sick. I really am... though the pain is in more ways than one. I ended up chatting with a fellow blogger and that made me feel better. Once that was done, ate, then plopped in the couch and cried through Magnolia. The movie didn't hit me the first time, but yesterday was a completely different story. It hit home really close due to some things I'm dealing with. Anyway, here's a pic (pardon the jackets!) I took when talking to a fellow blogger. Appreciate the convo!"We might be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."
God please forgive Her...
Yea, this really isn't a post. I'm not sure where my mind is at the moment. Some of you know what's going on but maybe one day, I can explain it all. Anyway, one comment about this "found" made me chuckle.. "You have to have a license to fish...but any idiot can be a parent." The letter was heartbreaking though..
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
It's whatever you choose....
I figured from now on, I'll start to put in a quotation or some sort of devotion that has helped me go through the hard times. Or even, some sort of reminder so that I will never forget where I came from, and all the things I've learned in this journey called life. (I have a bunch of books and keep a sheet of paper where I write down the pages that just stirs something in me. I don't highlight the pages ever, or if I do, it's only because I have two copies of the book.) Anyway, here's one of them:
Life will accommodate you in any way that you choose. Life is always listening to the silent requests of your heart and mind. Life is always surveying the landscape of your heart, gathering the bits and pieces of the emotions buried there. Life is always monitoring the activity of your tongue, checking for ruins and sacred elements. Life knows that your mind, heart and mouth will produce the requests of your consciousness even when you are not aware of it.
Life can be an open book through which you can learn about great mysteries and wonders. Or life can be a mysterious and frightening pit through which you fear to tread. Or life can be an open basket into which you can place your treasures, in which you can carry abundant blessings. Or life can be a locked trunk from which you can retrieve or receive nothing. Life can be a journey or a struggle. A paradise or a prison. A calm sea or a turbulent ocean. It's all up to you. Life will accommodate whatever you choose, exactly the way you choose. And, whether or not you believe it, what you have in your life right now is a function of your own requests! Some of those requests you made openly. Others you made silently. Doesn't matter! Life is very accommodating, and the minute your requests change, your life will follow suit.
Until today, you may not have realized that life is answering your requests. You may not have believed that you have the power and the right to ask life for more than you already have right now. Just for today, be devoted to creating a list of positive, joyful requests. Create them first in your mind. Next, create them in your heart. Then speak them into existence. Be sure to remember what you have created. If it does not show up, check your counterrequests.
Until Today!
by Iyanla Vanzant
Life will accommodate you in any way that you choose. Life is always listening to the silent requests of your heart and mind. Life is always surveying the landscape of your heart, gathering the bits and pieces of the emotions buried there. Life is always monitoring the activity of your tongue, checking for ruins and sacred elements. Life knows that your mind, heart and mouth will produce the requests of your consciousness even when you are not aware of it.
Life can be an open book through which you can learn about great mysteries and wonders. Or life can be a mysterious and frightening pit through which you fear to tread. Or life can be an open basket into which you can place your treasures, in which you can carry abundant blessings. Or life can be a locked trunk from which you can retrieve or receive nothing. Life can be a journey or a struggle. A paradise or a prison. A calm sea or a turbulent ocean. It's all up to you. Life will accommodate whatever you choose, exactly the way you choose. And, whether or not you believe it, what you have in your life right now is a function of your own requests! Some of those requests you made openly. Others you made silently. Doesn't matter! Life is very accommodating, and the minute your requests change, your life will follow suit.
Until today, you may not have realized that life is answering your requests. You may not have believed that you have the power and the right to ask life for more than you already have right now. Just for today, be devoted to creating a list of positive, joyful requests. Create them first in your mind. Next, create them in your heart. Then speak them into existence. Be sure to remember what you have created. If it does not show up, check your counterrequests.
Until Today!
by Iyanla Vanzant
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