I'm just on my lunch break right now and thought I'd just write a little something. It's crazy that I haven't written this long. I've had so much stuff in my mind, yet really haven't taken down my thoughts to try and sort 'em out.
It's been pretty good. I've just been staying home mostly on the weekends, and taking a break from going out. Just staying up late watching movies, or tinkering around in my room, and sleeping in and waking up when I wake up. Last week was just crazy at work. I mostly did Tier II stuff which is when we go on people's offices and try to fix their computer problem. I did it for the whole week, and at the beginning it was great, though midway through I let things get to me when I shouldn't have. That whole "taking nothing personally" is hard sometimes, as much as I try not to. Eventhough it's not my fault when people have computer problem, it makes it worse when they try to blame it all on me. Regardless, that's the past. It felt like some people were out to get me, and I'll admit it angered me so much that I left work one day with all these feelings inside. I just about cried when I was in the Metro, and praying for just something good at that moment to happen. I got close to calling E- and asking him if I can see him at least, thinking that doing that can me lift me up from the low I was feeling.
I'm a lot better now over what happened between me and him. I think it got to me without realizing it so much. The week that he 'broke it off,' I was just different my coworkers told me. I'm usually giddy at work so to not goof around, and just keeping to myself, it worried them a little. One woman commented how she hopes the Kris she knows come back to work come Monday since they kinda missed him. That kinda made me smile but of course, I had to go through what I went through. I usually shut the world out when I'm dealing with things. That's just my way I suppose. I know how talking it out helps, but I still can't get myself to do that. I'd write about it sometimes, though there are times when I don't do that either. This is pretty much all I have as far as an outlet. I don't keep diary at home, I usually read to help make me feel better. Knowing that others go through the same things I have makes me feel better about things, coz I really did think I was the only one at one point in my life.
Well last Monday, I did volunteer at a Food Bank. It was okay, it's like shopping for someone. It was only an hour though I wanted to write about what happened earlier. I do enjoy getting to meet people with my job since I go to their offices, and troubleshoot sometimes. Some woman I helped out months ago, I ended up stopping by her office since I was at her boss' moments ago. I was saying hi, though ended up talking with her for a good half an hour about things. About school, volunteering, and a little bit about my life and hers. We kinda got to talking about my job, and I was telling her how my heart may not really be into it. I told her that I'm considering switching to the medical field though not really sure about starting all over again. Learning from scratch, having a new beginning. She was a nurse's aide and she told me how it fulfilling it was. I told her that I wanna get more of that from what I do, and the IT field doesn't seem to be doing that for me. She said to just try it and see what I'll think of it. If not, I have IT to fall back on. Towards the end, she had me put my hands on her bible and prayed for me. It was a bit weird for a moment, but the feeling went away, and I was touched by what she did. She prayed to God to help a young man figure out what his path in his life is, and have the courage to take that step, and for God to guide in whatever it is I'll do. I got close to crying but held it back, since it might be too much for her ya know? A young man crying in her office. I just did it silently in my heart, though of course I said it out loud when I thanked her for the prayer and the conversation.
One thing I like about this job. Another lady even promised me that she'll give me a picture of her grandson, and she's someone I just chit chat with briefly. I'm sure they can see the shift, when they passed me by that week, and I can't even force myself to smile, just keeping my head down instead. I have to feel what I'm feeling, and I know I should leave things behind when I go to work and vice versa, but it's not always that easy. I got on the elevator one day on my not so good day, and the woman that prayed for me was there too. I didn't even say hi to her, but the day after, I ran into her. I was better, and she commented how it looked like something was weighing me down. I just smiled at her, and that said it all.
That Monday was crazy. I meant to write about it that same day, but was too tired after getting home like 9 pm. I ended up talking to a homeless lady the whole time I was eating at a Thai restaurant. It was a nice day, and I was just walking around killing time until I do the volunteer thing at 7. It's close to Dupont Circle, and I had a craving for the food I usually get so I went to the restaurant. It's cheap and good, Chicken Pad Thai and I downed it down with Kirin beer. Yummy.
I was passing by the Thai place, debating whether to stop there or not for a meal. As I was walking by, a lady asked me if I had a change, and I just said no. After like five steps, whoever was in my brain, hey spare her a dollar. So I turned back around and handed one to her, though she saw more greens and asked if I can give another one. Oh lord, I thought to myself. But I did anyways, and that's when it dawned on me to just eat at the Thai place since I was craving for it, and you always give in to cravings, right? I ended up sitting by the window, enjoying my meal and just watching people passing by. The bag lady (I didn't get her name) sat like six feet away from me and talked to me pretty much throughout my dinner. She cracks me up. She told me about things, how the Dupont area was back in the day, she was telling me about her childhood since she was like, I wasn't born homeless you know... I just smiled mostly and only spoke when she asks me questions. I misheard her when she asked me how long I've been living the life. I said since I was a baby. You've been gay since you were a baby!!? I just laughed but I told her I kinda knew since I was younger. I said I just sorta came out after getting out of the mil and all. I ended up telling her I was born in the Philippines, and she was "Yea, you got the chinky eyes!! and just started laughing. I almost choked from laughing because of her. I eventually had to go though and told her it was nice meeting her.
Just wanted to remember this day.
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