To the world you might be one person...

It's 2 am and I still haven't gone to bed. I was feeling sleepy but it sorta went away once I started getting ready for bed. There's just been so much going on inside me that I just have to let it out. I just feel a bit sad and kinda wish someone's here to hug me and tell me that it's going to be alright. I didn't think I'd ever write these thoughts down, and yet here I am. I was thinking how embarassing it'll be for others to kinda peek into my mind, but then that was why I started this blog, something that I could put them down in and help me kinda figure out where I stand at this point in my life. I sometimes wish I was still anonymous nowadays, but at the same time, if I was, I would have wanted to be acknowledged even by a single person out in the world.

I've just kinda been thinking how everything's going to be in a couple of months. Thing is I'm three months out of separating from the military, and a bit nervous how it'll turn out. I guess I can't not say that I'm not worried about it, because if I was, it wouldn't have kept me up at this wee hour. I think it might have been hanging out with my friend that kinda threw me off a little. He made a comment as to how it looked like I was so calm about all the changes that will be happening come the end of this year. I kinda felt bad that he's trying to get me to stay here in the area, but I highly doubt it. Even if I do end up moving to the DC area which is three hours away, I'm not really sure if I would keep in contact with him. I've become good friends with him, but sometimes when I get to think about how I met him, I get second thoughts about our friendship. It's kinda complicated how we became friends with how that came about, but it was something based on a lie on his part, not mine. It hasn't been too bad living here in VA but there's nothing really here that will make me stay. I've made friends since arriving here, but those relationships have ceased existing it would seem like, since I haven't seen some of them in months. It's a bit hard having friends that live in another city. Maybe I just tell myself that as an excuse. Either that is the case, or I've kinda stopped caring. I just find ways to keep myself occupied. I make plans with them, but it kinda fizzles after a lack of follow through. They'd leave comments on myspace but not respond to my calls or text messages, stupid myspace. I just find ways to keep myself busy, read a book, watch movies, or do some chores around the house, things to keep me busy. I hate it when I ask people how they're doing and respond that they're bored. Instead of me offering to hang out with them which I know would help make it go away, I get annoyed instead and just think read a book or something [this only applies to ones I would encounter if I choose to]. We probably would have had a good time but at times, it happens where they'd make a remark that just turns me off completely and makes me regret seeing them in the first place. It might be something in me though which I am aware of, so can't really always blame that person for what they say. Hence shutting myself out, and sorting things through.

I love and hate being still since it gets me thinking about all sorts of things when I do. It happens even when I'm at work which I'm not too fond of. I could just be sitting there waiting for the phone to ring again, and I'd think about people. I'd wonder how my family's doing, what this or that friend is doing at that instant, what's happening to this or that blogger's life, things of that sort. I sometimes wish I can just stop caring, and just think about me, and no one else. It makes me angry sometimes knowing that will probably never happen. It's just one of those things I've learned to accept though still hope from time to time, that it would change. I think I'm getting close though, with turning 23 playing a role in it. I've kinda become at peace with the way things are, and has barely spoken with the family or friends. It worries them I'm sure but it can't be helped any longer. I've put them ahead of my needs, and where does it get me? That proud feeling I have is no longer there, it's felt more like a burden that I just want lifted off of my shoulders. I can sense the change, and it worries me sometimes. I've barely spoken to my cousin which I used to talk to on hours end on the telephone. We've made plans before of me moving to Colorado once I get out of the military, but I'm not so sure any longer.

It's going to be happening in three months, and I'm a bit torn as to where to go to. I suppose I can move back to Florida for a little bit to get my footing, but I don't think I'd want to move back in at my aunt's and uncle's. As much as they're good people, I told myself I'll never live in that house ever again. Sometimes you have to step backward to take a leap forward but it won't be in my case. Staying with them would make me feel like 16 all over again which is something I don't wanna go back to. I have grown a lot since then, but that kid will always be in me and I'm sure that coming back to the same environment, he's bound to come out and take me back to a time and place that has passed.

I can perhaps stay with my dad in the East Coast which he's kinda expecting will happen come December. I'll admit I still yearn for that sometime, to actually live with them, make up for all the time lost. It makes me glad that it's a possibility that it could happen. I actually bring it up every time I'm on the phone with him which I didn't realize until he mentioned it. I guess I just wanted reassurance, that eventhough I'm not gonna actually do it, knowing that he's okay with me staying with them makes me glad. There is the child in me playing a role once again. Me and my dad has a running joke where I was only 6 yrs old when I moved to the US back in '99, so that makes me 13 at this time (will explain this later). We're working on building a relationship, with him along with his side of the family, as some of you are aware of.

I'm considering actually going to school full time which I was meaning to do, hence coming back stateside on my last year in the military to kinda give me a feel of how things work here. It'll be one of the states in the Pacific, and possibly living together with one of my good friends from Yokota. I'm kinda excited about that happening. One of my friends back in Japan will be coming back stateside and it was him that I've talked to about being roommates. We get along really well, so it shouldn't be a problem. I know we can't duplicate the Japan experience, but we can have more fun times. Going to the same school, maybe even drive to Canada or go backpacking to Europe even. G- loves Japan too, so we might actually find ways to go back there.

However, I've kinda been tempted to just work full time once again after my separation (end of contract). The paycheck is enticing, and I suppose I can take classes part time, but yet it's not going to be the same. It's probably gonna be different being a civilian, then going to school part time, but I kinda wanna experience what it's like otherwise. Being a full time student, and just working on the side. I could have had an Associate's by now at least, but I wasn't on top of it as I should have been. This past four years has been a learning experience, and looking back, I think I could have done things a bit different. I could have taken more classes, etc etc. It's not really laziness, but I became apathetic back when I was living in Japan. There was just so much going on inside me, that it got hard to even focus on the classes I'm taking. It was like I developed an ADD of some sort. Living by myself for the first time gave me a lot of time to think things through and actually try to make sense of it all. Despite of it, I think I still did pretty good, well except for saving up *smiles I got along with everybody I worked with, and I think I was liked. I never really got into trouble of sorts, and the leadership tended to leave me alone since I was good at what I do. Doing my job, keeping my dorm room clean, amongst other things. I just did what I can to the best that I could.

I smiled a lot too which has helped in it's own way. My superiors were amazing in trying to help me in anyway that they can when I needed it. One of them commented how I always have a smile on my face whenever she sees me. I tried to make it a point of smiling whenever I pass someone by. I really think a smile is a gift you can keep on giving to anybody, even to strangers and it doesn't even cost a thing. I could be close to breaking down on some days, and yet kept on smiling. We all have our own story, and someone else can be having a worse day than you are and might need that simple act to get them through the day. You never know who can that be. I'm sure you've felt lost or invisible at some point in your life. I know I have. ''To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world." It's so cliche hearing and reading that quotation, but it rings true, when you sit and think about it.

It was a blessing really, getting paid to live in Japan and not having to worry about a roof over my head, or as to where my meal will be coming from. With that, I'm really thankful. I sometimes forget how lucky I am, to even have the things I do now and to be where I currently am. I seriously pinch myself from time to time to remind myself that the life I'm living is just not a dream. There was no way in hell I ever thought I'd be where I am right now. I just wasn't much of a dreamer, I just try to live one day at a time, never knowing what life will bring.