We got to carry each other

Ok, the holidays is finally over and things are back to normal. Not that I've really busy since I didn't go spend it with the family, not being sure where to go exactly. It wasn't too bad though I'd have to say my emotions got the best of me on some days. One moment, I was thinking how it's no big deal that just because it's the holidays, I had to go see the family etc etc. Either that, or Whew, am glad I had a few days off at least.

I really didn't do much on the actual Christmas day. The night before, I went to a midnight mass as I mentioned with some girls [or should I say women] that I just met. Getting to the cathedral after managing to cross the border to Maryland, and turning right back around to get back to DC. I was in three states in less than an hour! Got a free tour of the area, looking at the bright side of things. I didn't get to see Dreamgirls either since the guy I was supposed to go with, cancelled. He's not really my date so it's okay. I'm just trying to find people to be friends with, and I'm trying to be understanding that things happen, which they do. I'm sure if I lived with my parents, then with the grandparents down the block, it can get hectic. Here and there, I'd wish it would have been like that for me now that I'm older, but at the same time, I'm not sure if I can handle that. Who am I kidding? Of course, I can. There'll be drama, but I think that's what families are for. Hahaha. He said, she said, they told me, I heard....With all the things that went on, it never got to me surprisingly. Ok, I digress. I just found an excuse to use that word *grins

So got home from the mass, and I ended up making a video once again. I thought about uploading it since the song has a really good message. It's the song "(I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be) Free/One originally sang by Nina Simone, and remade by Lighthouse Family. It said it was crossed with U2's One though of course, I wouldn't know what they're talking about. Now I do. I just looked up and now see what the cross was. You always learn something new everyday.... After doing about three takes since I didn't know the damn words, I think I went to bed. I might have drunk a little but I don't remember.

Woke up around 8, so that's about 5 hrs of sleep, and there waiting on my phone was a message from D-, which some of you would know was the one I met up with last winter. That made my day [here I was thinking I was over him], it was just nice to know he thought of me though I don't know why felt the need to remind me that he's my italian friend. As if I would forget him *winks Laid around for a bit, then called the family up, and maybe a friend or two, Jim in England and I think that was it. I sent some text messages out but felt lame after that. The things I tell myself I tell ya... I forgot where I read it but I came across something where the author says how we can be too self-critical sometimes. How things we tell ourselves, we would go as far as to hurt somebody if they're the ones who'd say those to our face. Am I making sense? So yea, I felt like a bit of a loser lol. I wish I can just not care, but holidays roll around and I think about people. I wonder how she's been, I wonder what he's doing, ugh. I have too much free time thinking about other people.

Listened to some christmas songs, then took a moment to write some greeting cards. It's better late than never. There's this one angel card that I got, and I dunno, it kinda inspired me to send some cards out. I sent one out to a teacher I had when I was a sjenior (get it junior, and senior in one). I've been meaning to write him a letter since I joined the military and I got out and everything, and had yet to do that. It was pretty much a note thanking him for believing in me. I was really quiet in school, as I mentioned in the 100 i's, and so, for people to notice, that makes one glad. With quiet folks, eventhough we're not calling out for attention, it still feels nice to be noticed. Well that man, Commander Lawless, was our JROTC commander when I was in Florida. He called me to his office one time and told me that he's choosing me to be one of the two representatives (I forgot how the slots opened) to the Florida Boys State. I forgot how the slots openedI was thinking oh lord, why'd he pick me? I barely utter a word in class, how in the hell does he think I'll do at that? Well that was after he explained to me what it was about. He explained to me why he thought I was a good fit. For a boy with a not so high self-esteem, it makes a difference, a BIG difference, to actually have someone point out what his qualities are. I just always thought I was okay, ya know, doing what I can to get by. Trying not to brag, but when I was in school, I won a bunch of awards for being in the honor roll, winning some academic competitions, etc etc but I really didn't think much of it. Maybe it was to impress daddy, and get his attention.

Getting back to CDR, he went on and told me how eventhough I was quiet, he can see that I'm digesting everything around me, and some other things. Ok, to be honest I don't remember what else he told me. How I'd make a good leader maybe!? Anyway, what was said doesn't matter too much now. All that matters is that it helped me to start believing in myself more. It's what helped me get through some tough times, getting through basic training and all. I'll write about that one day, with whatever bits and pieces I can recall. Odd how at boot camp, a guy made a comment how I always made him laugh by just being there. Gee thanks, did I look that funny? Another one said how I smiled the whole six weeks we were there, and I really don't recall smiling, let alone that much. Lord, get me through the day!! That's all I remember thinking. Oh by the way, boot camp turns even atheists into church goers. Now you know who he is. He really made a difference in my life, and I figured now would be a good time to let him know that. I'm thinking he might not even remember me, though I'm hoping that he does. I have a feeling he will but even if he doesn't, it wouldn't matter too much. He's touched somebody's life and that's all there is to it. I was crying the whole time I was trying to sum up in a few words how much he's affected me. Did that, and wrote a few other cards, then I was okay again.

One minute, I was like bawling, and next thing ya know, I was laughing like a hyena. Cracking up over some songs, then singing and dancing along to some christmas carols. It's the little things. I'd die if somebody sees these videos I made, yet here I am telling the world I make them. Ok, when I was back in Japan, I didn't realize I stored some pictures on our network. I think I was gonna put it up until I get to send it to my cousin, then just delete it. But that slipped my mind, and come a year and a half later, those pictures bit me in the ass. They were doing a network wide scan for all pictures (that shouldn't be on the shared drives) and lo and behold, that damn scan pulled up those pictures. It was a whole office that saw it, and one of the guys I knew from that shop, called me over and said he wanted to show me something. I head over to their office, and there up on the screen was one of my pics. I just stood there, and was embarrassed to death. The 'warm' feeling that came over me, well more like hot while I stood there in disbelief that these folks saw my pictures. Ok, it was kinda girly. I'd say kinda gay, but let's not forget I am one already hahaha. But yea, you got a 20-yr old "soldier" blowing kisses to the camera, and pouting his lips, holding a peace sign with his fingers. After that happened, people I've never spoken to knew me as the guy 'in those pictures."

I'm sharing the song coz who wouldn't wish they knew how it would feel to be free

I wish I knew How it would Feel to be free I wish I could break All the chains holding me
I wish I could say All the things that I should say Say 'em loud Say 'em clear For the whole Wide world to hear

I wish I could share All the love that's In my heart Remove all the bars That keep us apart
And I wish you could know How it feels to be me Then you'd see and agree That every man Should be free

I wish I could be like A bird in the sky How sweet it would be If I found I could fly
Well I'd soar to the sun and Look down at the sea And I'd sing 'Cause I'd know How it feels to be free

I wish I knew How it would Feel to be free I wish I could break All the chains holding me
And I wish I could say All the things that I wanna say Say 'em loud Say 'em clear
For the whole Wide world to hear

Say 'em loud Say 'em clear For the whole Wide world to hear
Say 'em loud Say 'em clear For the whole Wide world to hear

One love One blood One life You got to do What you should
One life With each other Sisters Brothers
One life But we're not the same We get to carry each other
Carry each other

Woah, woah, woah, woah

I wish I knew How it would Feel to be free
I wish I knew How it would Feel to be free